They say all good things must come to an end

[TGMarla]

I hardly know where to start with all of this. Reine, as always, I find your posts to be insightful and educational. I am sure that my own marriage has many aspects of both codependency and interdependency. When it comes to the crossdressing, however, it's not hard to see which takes dominance. I don't want to hurt her, and I've never wanted to hurt her. But I fear that day may come when indeed I've repressed my needs to crossdress for such a long time, I might start taking my frustrations out on her. I don't want that one bit. And although I might buy into the desire for us to be more interdependent, she would not without knowing the need for us to move in that direction. So once again, we're faced with that nasty talk about my desires to crossdress.

I'd like to make one thing clear (as mud). When I joined this forum, the simple name "Marla" was already in use. So I put a "TG" on the front so that I could register here. Over the years, and as things in my life and inside my own head have settled a bit, I've come to the realization that I'm far less "TG" than I once thought I was. Sure, there are still deep-seeded desires for femininity, but they have greatly subsided over the years. I still enjoy my femme time a great deal, but I no longer have the desire to transition, or even simply live as a female. There is an element of the feminine within me, but I'm not a woman trapped in a man's body. Rather, had I been born female, I'd likely have been very comfortable in my own skin. But my desire now is to be the best husband I can be to my wife, while still enjoying crossdressing now and again.

My house is not set up well for me to do this in one area of the house while she's in another part of the house. It just isn't. So whatever solution I come to, it won't be that.

I hate this.

[ReineD]

Over the years, and as things in my life and inside my own head have settled a bit, I've come to the realization that I'm far less "TG" than I once thought I was. Sure, there are still deep-seeded desires for femininity, but they have greatly subsided over the years.

I've read many others say the same thing. :p

... I hate this.

I hear you. And if you'll forgive me being painfully blunt, I want to suggest something. I don't want to be hurtful and I may have missed something, so please take this the way I intend it, which is to help and not judge. So, here goes.

Throughout the years I've gotten the impression that your wife knew of the CDing but she chose to not be involved, thus putting you both in a DADT situation. At the beginning of the thread, I thought that if she knew all along that you dress on Saturdays while she's at work, then surely she would understand that your needs won't change just because now she will be working from home.

And now I see that she does not know about you dressing on a regular basis, and the "talk" will mean having to tell her. Please believe me Marla that I am not judging you for this, just trying to assess the situation accurately. I understand that you felt it was easier through the years to not get into this, given her initial negative reaction years ago. So really, any discussion about whether or not you made a mistake in not telling her (which is currently complicating things more for you than for her), is moot.

So. The current issue is, how can you have a discussion with your wife about your needs, without telling her about your regular expression of Marla. Well, you can't. And you will need to be prepared for some fallout about not having told her, in addition to dealing with a discussion of the CDing, although it could (possibly) go better than you imagine. I don't know your wife. Or, you can wait to see how it goes, not say a thing and try to stop, and make the decision to deal with it later, if not dressing eventually becomes unbearable to you. But, if you choose this second option, you will still have to tell her about having dressed all these years on Saturdays. If, six or twelve months from now you develop a need to dress now that she is working from home, I think she will put two and two together. At any rate, I don't think you'll let it go so far as to become a bear to your wife to the point of having her wonder if something is horribly wrong with your marriage. I do think that you'll eventually have "the talk", if you find that not dressing is unbearable.

So in the meantime, I suggest that you start preparing for the talk. Gather resources, gather your courage, start writing letters to her that you will not give her (as a way to clarify in your mind how you will approach this), read about codependency, do whatever you have to do to find the courage to tell your wife the truth eventually, in the event that you will find you cannot live without expressing Marla. Honestly, it can't hurt to prepare.



PS. There's a little book that made all the difference in my own life, ten years ago. I don't want to be overly dramatic and say that it saved my life, but the difference it made was profound beyond description. It's an easy read, only 100 pages and you can get through it in a few hours. Here is a quote from it:

But if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it is all that I have.

It doesn't matter whether you are TG or not, or why you dress. Anyone can use this book no matter what their personal circumstances are.

Here's a preview of the beginning pages:
http://books.google.com/books?id=bQM...i%20am&f=false

And here's the link to Amazon if you wish to purchase it:
http://www.amazon.com/Afraid-Tell-In.../dp/0883473232

[Stephanie47]

Yes, this is a monster of my own making, and I knew that sooner or later I'd have to deal with it. But I seriously thought it would be later - like about ten years later. Now I'm down to a month, and I have no clue how to even approach the subject with her. And I don't know to what end such a conversation will take us. It is not my nature to just let things fly and watch with amusement where the pieces wind up. So I still don't yet know just how I'm going to deal with this. But I doubt I'm going to like it all that much.

I already made a comment at #23 above. This is not a monster SOLELY of your own making. If the cards were dealt twelve years ago, you wife chose to not play her hand. You poured your guts out, your soul out. Her reaction? Basically, she chose to fold, spindle, mutilate and shred your out pouring. Your feelings were cast aside. She stuck her head in the sand. You entered the classic DADT relationship. Out of sight, out of mind. I would wager she has been fully aware of your cross dressing. It really isn't secretive. Yes, she probably does not know of the extent of your wardrobe or your activities. She chose to avoid the issue. Do you really think this has not weighed in on her current thoughts? If I had to wager, I'd say she does not like the idea of working at home. She can no longer avoid the elephant in the room. For her walking away from the subject may have been a defensive mechanism twelve years ago. I'm still of the opinion you and your wife should re-engage the discussion.

[linda allen]

Marla, It was never my intention to argue with other folks but some have taken up the cause. My style is more "lets's get down to the nitty gritty" rather than beating around the bush first. I don't mean to offend anyone, I just think beating around the bush is a waste of time. My posts are based on age, wisdom, and experience, and I believe what I post and post what I believe. If other folks believe differently, they have a right to post their opinions as well.

I have tried to help you the best I can and I've posted a link to the unconventional way I introduced my wife of 30+ years to my crossdressing. I hope you read it.

You have stated that you won't stop dressing and you don't want your marriage to end. That leaves you with two options:

1) Work it out with your wife about the crossdressing.
2) Find some way to continue to hide it from her.

You can get all the advice in the world, but in the end, it's you who has to make the decision and it's you who has to find the way to do it.

I wish you the best.

[Sara Jessica]

And here is where I get to chide you both about the lack of communication. You don't know about exploding because you DADT. The lack of communication makes it harder on you than it needs to be. If she explodes internally you need to know it, if she "doesn't" explode then you need to know that too. If she explodes some times, but not others....you also need to know that.

The thing about DADT, it's a rather broad term to describe degrees of tolerance among our SO's. It lies somewhere in between outright rejection (as in "not in my house or else we're talkin' divorce) and participation by the SO. There can be an element of acceptance with DADT, she just prefers not to see it, talk about it, etc. It could be mere tolerance as in she knows about it, perhaps hates it but let's it exist (again, without seeing or hearing about it).

I discovered in my own DADT situation that while she has given me quite a long leash with this whole thing, it hasn't come without a price. A woman can do and say a lot of things that might make us believe there is some degree of acceptance there but she can choose not to disclose how much she resents the fact this TG thing is even a part of her life.

Choosing to accept DADT in not putting the TG issues in her face (as in "hey honey, check out this _____ that I bought today, etc) is not a failure to communicate. Those lines have already been drawn. Instead, it's some semblance of respect for those lines. If she has issues in spite of such a tacit agreement that she won't talk about, then shame on her, just as it would be shame on me if the lines are untenable in some way, shape or form and I failed to communicate about those.

Throughout the years I've gotten the impression that your wife knew of the CDing but she chose to not be involved, thus putting you both in a DADT situation. At the beginning of the thread, I thought that if she knew all along that you dress on Saturdays while she's at work, then surely she would understand that your needs won't change just because now she will be working from home.

I've had kind of the same impression and that has been the basis for some of my previous comments. If your insight is correct Reine, then Marla's situation becomes that much more of a challenge.

I already made a comment at #23 above. This is not a monster SOLELY of your own making. If the cards were dealt twelve years ago, you wife chose to not play her hand. You poured your guts out, your soul out. Her reaction? Basically, she chose to fold, spindle, mutilate and shred your out pouring. Your feelings were cast aside. She stuck her head in the sand. You entered the classic DADT relationship. Out of sight, out of mind. I would wager she has been fully aware of your cross dressing. It really isn't secretive. Yes, she probably does not know of the extent of your wardrobe or your activities. She chose to avoid the issue. Do you really think this has not weighed in on her current thoughts? If I had to wager, I'd say she does not like the idea of working at home. She can no longer avoid the elephant in the room. For her walking away from the subject may have been a defensive mechanism twelve years ago. I'm still of the opinion you and your wife should re-engage the discussion.

There may be some truth in what you are saying Stephanie but I have a hard time in minimizing any reaction our SO's might have when a TG-related revelation is made. What we do, or in many cases who we are, flies in the face of everything they have been brought up to know. Yes, on a DADT continuum it is fairly clear that Marla's wife chose to stick her head in the sand but really, she shouldn't be blamed for this.

As has been said before, just as the point is moot about whether Marla should have disclosed prior to marriage, so is her wife's reaction. Think of these things as givens as we try to help her to solve the problem. While these facts certainly can affect how future discussions might go, they will not change so therefore, the focus should be on the solution.

Marla, I'm sure you have heard the over-used expression "think outside of the box". Well I think it's an important consideration here. You have been outright dismissive of some suggestions which at a glance seem like they'd never be solutions. At the end of the day you may be right but some of the best ideas I've seen implemented in the business world have arisen from things that were taken off of the table because they seemed untouchable. It's amazing what can happen when those things are put back into view for consideration. It might be where some of the best solutions lie.

[Claire Cook]

I hardly know where to start with all of this.

Marla, if I were in your shoes I'd feel the same way -- you've had a bewildering and often contradictory range of responses to your post. (Oh, are you a size 10 1/2 too?) Seriously, I am reluctant to add yet more confusion to this issue, but maybe a thought from my little corner. You clearly value your marriage more than your dressing . Since you'll be spending more time together around the house, maybe you can express your "Marla-ness" in ways that don't involve wearing boobs and a dress. Being more understanding, attentive, sensitive, empathetic and maybe helping more with housework chores (and giving her unexpected flowers or gifts). She may respond positively to that, sense a changein your outlook, and who knows where that will lead?

I've come to the realization that I'm far less "TG" than I once thought I was.

We're all somewhere in that big TG spectrum, and we're all evolving in one way or another. Mine has involved realizing that those "feminine" qualities that I noted above (much as I hate stereotypes) has made me a much better person -- and I hope a better husband.

But my desire now is to be the best husband I can be to my wife, while still enjoying crossdressing now and again.

Go for that first desire. It has to lead to the right resolution!

[Allsteamedup]

As a GG can I bring a little reality to all this confusion.

TGMarla is retired.
TGMarla's wife has a very demanding job, apparently over 6 days in the week. Not only is it very demanding but she has very little time for her own pursuits nor time with her family.

The elements I am stressing here are the wife's earning and employment capacity versus TGMarla's apparent joyous lifestyle of total feminine indolence and indulgence. Nowhere does she state how much housework, cooking or domestic duties she performs while flouncing around for hours on end. Nor whether she has any outside pursuits which make for a healthy, balanced lifestyle.

Now those of you in relationships will have gathered that we women are funny creatures. Hormones awash, and when can you be sure of what we really think?

If Marla presents her wife with details of how she would prefer to spend her time, her wife is going to go straight to a comparison of how she, the genuine woman, spends hers.

This comparison may be be detrimental to Marla, particularly if her wife feels aggrieved that she is bearing an unfair burden of both work and domestic duties.

Now womens' ideas of fairness are inconvenient at best. How many of you have got a roasting for parading your latest shade of nailpolish whilst your wife brushes the yard/cleans the toilet/scours the pans etc?

The major issue here is retirement expectations versus the practicalities of a wage-earning partner. Presumably Marla's wife works because Marla's pension is not great enough to afford for her not to. Therefore the wage earning wife gets the major opinion . That said there are many couples on another site I belong to who have worked out a compromise. Some of this depends on how rooms are used in the home, or when family and friends can drop by unannounced, or how much time is spent together outside the home.

Therefore if Marla weighed up what would be a reasonable amount of time to dress (NOT days at a time, and sometimes much less than the full regalia) BEFORE broaching the subject with her wife she would have covered all the female objections I have pointed out here.

A word of warning. If Marla's wife gets wind of the fact that much of joint future retirement is going to be spent dressed, therby drastically reducing her expectations of things that can be done in retirement (travel, new hobbies, socialising, visiting family etc) the conversation is going to be tricky.

Maybe some honesty now would be worth avoiding future misunderstandings....?

[Anne2345]

...and on this note I completely disagree. This was BY FAR one of the most selfish attempts at gaining sympathy that I have ever seen on this site, and I offered absolutely no advise because, quite frankly, none is deserved.

It is neither my practice nor my desire to call a member out on a post, but I feel compelled to do so here.

Erica, you should be absolutely ashamed of yourself for posting this worthless, unproductive, offensive drivel.

In this, you have exhibited such a complete lack of sympathy, understanding, compassion, and just plain basic human decency that I cannot begin to even fathom where you are coming from, nor do I desire to do so.

Regardless of the circumstances surrounding Marla's current issues, she is in a time of need. If you take even a quick, cursory glance at the other posts within this thread, you will notice that other members here have accomplished what you have so completely and utterly failed to do - they are here for her. They are not kicking her while she is down like you have.

I do not understand why you have responded in such a mean, repugnant, and detestable manner, Erica. Perhaps you should change your screen name from "Erica2Sweet" to "Erica2Rude." Seriously.

And another thing, Erica - you apparently do not know Marla.

Marla is my friend. Marla is the friend of many here. Marla is a kind, decent, wonderful, amazing person that has tried hard to make her life work in the face of adversity. This is not easy for her. It is not easy for many of us.

But Marla is a special person. She is there for others when they have been down. She has been there for me when I have needed support. And God knows I have needed a lot of support throughout my membership on the forum. As such, I believe myself to be quite blessed and fortunate that I have wonderful friends such as Marla.

She is just a good person, period. She deserves better than your spite, and the contempt that you have offered her.

As many here have proclaimed, I, too, proclaim my love for Marla . . . .

So please just go away, Erica. You have nothing to offer Marla. And quite frankly, based upon your post, and the one that preceded it, if you are really that person, I don't know that you have anything of value to offer the forum, either.

Whether you do so by private message or in the public forum, you should apologize to Marla.

[Marleena]

I have no answers for you Marla but I hope you can figure something out. Good luck with it!

[PretzelGirl]

Marla, I have been unable to keep up all week so the first thing I want to say is that I am sorry that you are having to go through this. This is an extraordinarily tough thing to deal with as you are probably working through possibilities or pain for you, pain for your wife, or some combination in-between. As someone with full acceptance, I can try to imagine what the duress is like, but I probably can't completely relate to where I understand all the thoughts going through your mind.

But because of another family issue, I do understand co-dependency quite well. I have learned to fight it by making sure I take time out for myself (and for clarity, this again has nothing to do with dressing). It is stressful. Unfortunately marriages just don't come perfect. We may love each other and want to do anything to not hurt each other, but it just doesn't always work out that way.

What I don't want to do is tell you what to do to resolve this. I do want to tell you that I have always had great respect for you because you always presented your dressing habits as done so that you could take care of yourself but you never wanted to hurt your family. I hope you are able to find a good middle ground but don't forget, right now it sounds like that your are the only one in this that will take care of you (unless your wife's opinion has changed and she hasn't voiced it). There are two of you ready to take care of your wife. So whichever way you go, and it doesn't seem there is a direction without some level of pain, you are the only one controlling your destiny. Take care of you in this process.

[Stephanie47]

Allsteamedup is all steamed up! Yes, Marla has not provided information of how the entire day is spent. Your description of a retired cross dresses life is probably totally inaccurate. Yes, I'm am sure there are MCP in a dress who do not do squat when it comes to domestic duties.

Since, you made general statements concerning a retiree, let me explain what is probably happening by another example. My pension is more than adequate for both of us to live a comfortable life, including all the unnecessary purchases of Stephanie. "WE" have planned and are debt free. Don't owe a dime. My wife still works, voluntarily. My day starts driving her to work, and, later from work because she does not drive (depth perception issues). I do the housework. I do the grocery shopping. I bake. I cook (en drab) when she comes home. I take care of all the manly chores. I drive her where she needs to go. During the day I do a lot of these in home chores en femme. That's the extent of my private DADT time. Do I want my wife to participate-NO!

Decades ago she put her head in the sand. Yes, she knows I cross dress. Past the original crying and explanations, she just ignores it. I also ignore her issues, which she acquired prior to me ever knowing her. Does cross dressing interfere with our relationship? I really do not know. However, I do know her prior package have had a negative effect on our marriage, but, nothing that cannot be handled.

How will Stephanie exist when my wife retires? I really do not know. Will Stephanie retire? Will my DADT wife sense she needs to give Stephanie private time? I don't know.

I think the vast majority of cross dressers, who are not on this site, over compensate in their lives because they still feel "badly" about dumping this baggage on their wives. I suspect the vast majority of them act just as I, and, just would like a few scraps to fall from the table.

I suspect Marla is more afraid of losing his wife (I said his) than losing Marla. I suspect the end result will be a greater degree of angst in their marriage than DADT presents now.

Just my thoughts.

PS: My wife complains I do not clean the toilets. Yep, it escapes me. Why? I don't know. But, my wife has not gone grocery shopping once in over thirty four years. She's ahead of the game.

[NicoleScott]

Wow, Allsteamedup (post #82) you introduced some elements into the conversation that Marla didn't, and made some over-reaching assumptions:
- wife works because Marla's pension isn't enough. Maybe she works because she wants to, as many people do, even when they are retirement age and have enough money. She might be close to earning her own retirement.
- Marla is so obsessed with dressup that she leaves all domestic chores to the tired working wife. You don't know this. How unfair to assume.
- the wage-earning wife gets the major opinion. Really? Are you kidding? Does the wage-earning husband get the major opinion? If so, maybe the lower-earning wives should shut up about their crossdressing husbands. "I make more money. I crossdress. That's life."
The issue that Marla raised was that the wife would be working at home, spending more time at home. Just keep it there.

[TGMarla]

Wow.

First off, I want everyone to know that I read every post here, and I give thought to everything that everyone has offered. If I fail to respond to you directly, please know that I have read and digested what it is you have had to say. And I thank all of you profoundly.

I've not had the chance to respond again until now. And between the last time I gave any input and now, Allsteamedup has certainly thrown the heaviest bowling ball down the ol' alley. So let me address what she's said, and add that she also PM'd me, and that we're all good. Helen, I am not on a pension. I own my own business that I work out of our home in order to keep my overhead low. I'm quite successful with it, and I make a very good income. Money is not our problem. While I greatly enjoy dressing up to the nines, I actually spend less time en femme than you'd suggest. Yes, I do indulge myself on Saturdays, and at times in the early evenings during the week, but I'm hardly living some fictitious "joyous lifestyle of total feminine indolence and indulgence." I do all the cooking in our household, or at least 99% of it. I help my wife with all the housework, too. At times, when she is at work, I even clean the whole thing from top to bottom just so she doesn't have to. I also take care of the outside of the house and all of the things around the house in need of repair without her help. I have many outside hobbies, including golf, music (I play bass), reading, writing, and acting. Yes, I am a somewhat accomplished local actor.

She has worked a swing shift that has included Saturdays for many, many years. And while some may not approve of it, I have often used my off hours when she is at work engaging in my crossdressing activities. Because she has a negative viewpoint towards these activities, I have done her the courtesy of making sure that it doesn't leak over into her life in any way - as much as I have been able to do. Sure, I've slipped up from time to time. She's run across some of my things on rare occasions. But by all appearances, it would seem that she's appreciated this, that she's not had to deal with it at all.

Now she's changing her lifestyle completely, and she will be home almost all the time. I do not begrudge her this. I only lament that this will collide with my opportunities to crossdress in private, which is the way I've grown accustomed to it. Anyone who's bothered to educate themselves in any way on this subject knows that this becomes something we do that enhances our very well-being. So I am simply attempting to gain input from others on how I can proceed forward with this situation. I've never known a life where I could not crossdress on some level. Over these past many years, especially in the years I've been a member of this forum, my crossdressing activities have evolved to a very sophisticated level. As opposed to many years ago, when I was much younger, I now use prosthetic breasts, makeup, a wig, hip pads, and my own sizable wardrobe. I've grown used to being able to dress fully, in private, and enjoy myself for an hour or two, sometimes more, several times a week. When other obligations take precidence, I've always done the responsible thing, and tabled my self-interests for that which needs to be done. But when I've met my obligations, worked hard, and done my due diligence, I've often rewarded myself with a little crossdressing. I think most crossdressers, to whatever extent they enjoy these indulgences, behave the very same way.

Now I have been spending much of my days while I am working (which often involves a bit of driving to, from, and between customers) going over the coming conversation with my wife in my head. One thing I thought of sticks in my mind. I want to talk to her as a husband, a friend, a lover, and a life-partner, and not as a defendant on a witness stand. I don't want to put myself on trial. I'm not guilty of a crime. However, we are both guilty of ignoring this particular element of my life in so far as it relates to the two of us. One could easily say that until now, it really hasn't been all that necessary. I've tried to do a lot of reading about others who have disclosed this to their loved ones. No doubt, it's a delicate operation to do so, and I certainly don't want to unload too much on her at one time. I try to think about how I'd feel if I were her, and I was hearing all of this for the first time in years. I try to think about how I'd react to my husband wearing a bra and breast forms, a wig, and a dress. (Sigh....at least they're pretty dresses!) I've concluded that she needs to know, and she needs to know everything. I just don't know that she needs to know everything all at once. It's a big load. As WildAboutHeels would tell you, not all crossdressers take it to the extent that I do. I do the total female emulation thing. Many crossdressers just put on an article or two of clothing, and they're content. I take it the whole nine yards, with a few exeptions. So I hope that we can have this conversation without any screaming and yelling.

I guess I'm not all that worried about losing her. We have too many years put into our marriage for this to break us. We're a committed couple. But I don't want to hurt her, either. And I think that this will cause her some hurt. This is why I've kept it under wraps for so many years. This is why she's never brought the subject up with me. She knows I crossdress, but she's never come home and found me crossdressed. The only time she's ever seen me crossdressed was something like a dozen or so years ago at Halloween, when we did the gender-swap thing for a costume party. I admit, I was a little too good at it, but I did enjoy it. Shortly after that, I disclosed to her a lifetime of crossdressing in a long impassioned letter to her, which promptly wound up in the paper shredder. She was very angry about it, and we nearly divorced. That simmered down, and we made the decision to remain together. Since then, other than for a few comments here and there (without anger, I might add), we have simply not spoken of it.

Well, that is going to change, I guess. I just have to figure out how to approach it. And I just don't know how at this point. I just don't know. Yet.

[Molly Wells]

Marla,
I have been following this post with some interest. I am afraid that the dilemma that you are facing is one that I and others can/will likely face at some time in the future. Every marriage and couple have their own unique dynamics as we all see here very often. I hope things work out to a positive and equitable resolution for both you and your wife. Please keep us up to date as things go forward. Best to you!

Molly

[Alice Torn]

Marla, Be prepared for whatever happens. There maybe screaming and yelling, and crying, and lots of angry words. I hope not. She may get very emotional. I don't know her, so don't have any idea. It won't be easy, but, TIMING IS EVERYTHING. I have been awful with timing!!! When their air is light, and positive, is best. Whether the marriage ends, or a compromise can be agred to, know you and her will survive this.

[Tina B.]

Marla, I've been absent for days, and had missed this, at this point there is not much more that can be said, except I can empathize with your problem, It's a hard spot to be in, and your choices seem limited, I hope you both can find away through it without to much stress on either of you. Good luck working it out.
Tina B.

[Sarah Doepner]

Marla, first I want you to know that I've come to respect you over the time I've been reading your posts and I hate to see you in any kind of quandry like this. Unfortunately we are in a world we don't control and stuff like this happens, even to the best intentioned of us.

I don't want to hurt her, and I've never wanted to hurt her. But I fear that day may come when indeed I've repressed my needs to crossdress for such a long time, I might start taking my frustrations out on her. I don't want that one bit. And although I might buy into the desire for us to be more interdependent, she would not without knowing the need for us to move in that direction. So once again, we're faced with that nasty talk about my desires to crossdress.

I hate this.

It was this was the point that hit me the hardest. I've experienced that situation and it can color your judgment and create a short cut to anger when there are other more reasonable and appropriate steps that can and should be taken. I hate to admit that there were times when I was denied the opportunity to dress and it felt like I was dealing with an addiction, but that was how I felt. My behavior with my family was tense and strained at times and it was not their fault. I don't know how strong this type of feeling will be in your life, but I hope it is minimal.

My suggestion, for what it's worth, is to test it out before your wife is home 24/7. If after a week or two of not dressing you are short tempered and becoming resentful, it may be time to start planning the discussion to head off conflict that will be coming your way. If you are able to divert your attention and desires to other activities, or discover other outlets for you dressing, then you can move forward with confidence.

I wish both you and your wife the best as this transition in your worlds take place. May you come out the other side of this as a stronger and happier couple.

[TGMarla]

I'm terrified.

I don't know how to have this conversation, how to start it, where it will lead, what her ultimate reaction will be, what damage it will (may?) do to our otherwise wonderful marriage.

I've been pouring over the internet trying to gain input on all aspects of this. I've seen lots of good stuff, and of course, lots of bigotry and ignorance, too. But really, nothing seems to give me a sense of direction on how to approach this.

My wife has a lot of stress in her life, and she has high hopes that her coming home to work will relieve a lot of this. Then, WHAM!, her great stress reliever has this ten-ton weight dropped on top of it. I want to be fully supportive of this move for her sake, but I admit that I'm obviously very torn up about the whole matter. I'm a little bitter towards her company because they want to move her home to work, taking up some of our house, use our internet, make us purchase the desk, and then on top of it, they make demands on how everything needs to be set up and executed so that she can do their job in our house. But I openly admit that I can deal with all of that a lot more than I can deal with the lack of my coveted "alone time" which I've enjoyed for so many years. I certainly don't want to be selfish about this. She matters at least as much as I do. And the absolute facts are rather stark. She is coming home to work. She'll be home almost all of the time now, save for whenever she goes somewhere on her own personal time. I will not any longer have the liberties I've grown used to. I will not be able to enjoy my crossdressing as I have these past many years. These are the facts. They are not going to change.

So I'm left with looking at what I can change. And the one thing I can change is my own dynamic with my wife. Oh, yes, I certainly can change it. But since she is her own person, with her own viewpoints, her own values, and her own beliefs and opinions, I cannot simply change that. One can always change one's dynamic. The trick is to change it so that it has a favorable outcome. Naturally, I want an outcome that is favorable to me. I'm sure at this point that her own favorable outcome would be for this particular "problem" to simply go away, that her husband would not crossdress, and that it wouldn't therefore be a problem at all. Then we can both go right on living and the world would be just fine. But to me, a favorable outcome would be for her to understand it all, embrace it, allow me to dress any time I want to, and that it wouldn't therefore be a problem at all. Then we can both go right on living and the world would be just fine.

Is she going to feel that I've betrayed her? She's known about this for many years; we just haven't talked about it at all.

Irresistable force? Meet immovable object. I hope you two get along.

It's most likely that a compromise of some kind is in order, but I don't know what that is at this point.

I don't know how to approach it. I feel like I'm on the crossdressers' equivalent of death row, awaiting my own execution.

We need to talk. And I'm terrified.

[Sarah Doepner]

Marla,

Maybe I'm just an optimist, maybe I'm careless because I don't have any skin in the game or maybe I'm basing my response on my own experience and the fact that my wife accepts me as I am. I hid from her for years while wanting to tell her. All that time I made the excuse that she already had more stress in her life and this would add more. She had never suspected so when it finally came out there was no reason to expect a positive outcome. I suggest that your wife is bright and she also has prior knowledge of your crossdressing and is aware of your committment to your marriage. It's been 10 years since my wife discovered Sarah existed and the thing that she is hurt by was that I didn't tell her sooner. She sees it as a breach of trust more than anything else that could effect our relationship.

The other thing I forgot to include in my last post was that one of the changes in the situation may be you are out of the home more often than you are currently. It wouldn't be the same and there would be costs involved, but you may find you get some of what you need by giving over the house to her if she is unwilling to accept you dressing while she is working. A friend of mine is retired and married to a woman who works from home. She has her office and rarely leaves her desk while working, usually only to take bathroom breaks or eat. Occasionally a work situation stumps her and she has taken those opportunities to run her problems past him, but that has proved to be a benefit in the relationship as he better understands what she is facing and she sees that as a positive addition to the relationship. While there will be a sharp change when she first starts working from home, there will be an extended period of adjustment and accommodation as you both find the new way your lives will work.

After a time it may become obvious that you are unsettled about the new situation. The best course, once she has had a chance to settle in and figure things out, will be to share your real needs and be honest. If she is as bright as I hope and as committed to you as you are to her, there may be new options that show up in unexpected ways. Again, good luck and be as patient as possible. This sounds like it's going to be something that plays out over several months and not be that execution date you refer to.

[Ann Thomas]

Marla, I've not had time to read this whole thread, and may be repeating someone else's comments, but I do want to say one thing. I don't agree that crossdressing is a selfish thing in all cases. For me, without crossdressing, I become irritated, distracted all the time, thinking about dressing, and the longing for it just gets worse and worse. It makes me want to divorce myself from anyone that doesn't accept me, whether that be wife, family, friends, neighbors, etc. It makes me NOT a valuable member of society, not contributing at all, but hating it. So, for me NOT to crossdress is the worst thing one can do to me.

So, to be a valuable, contributing member of society, I need to crossdress. Then, I can focus on work, home life, friends, family, social things, whatever I need to better myself, my family and my community.

One hears stories of transsexuals that need to have SRS - they try to commit suicide, they mutilate their birth genitalia, and once they get SRS, all that goes away and they can be contributing members to society. I don't see the difference, really between crossdressers needing to dress, versus transsexuals that need a sex change to feel complete.

So, for me, if I were in your situation (btw, mine is currently not much different in that my wife and I are separated for several reasons, not my crossdressing, but soon that may come to an end in the same sudden and total way yours is), I would get this worked out now, and tell her your needs.

In my opinion: From the wife's perspective YOU are being selfish. From the CD perspective THE WIFE is being selfish. So who wins? Both can win if a reasonable compromise can be reached. If you both want to be contributing members of your family and relationship (and possibly more) then compromise is the only answer, otherwise, it's splitsville. You can't both get 100% your way, and still both remain actively contributing 100% to the relationship. Sorry to be so blunt.

All the best.

Hugs,
Ann

[Raychel]

I hope this all works out well for you both. I hope that you can have a nice heart to heart conversation and get this all out n the open, so there can be some agreement that will comfortably accomadate both of your wants and needs. It take alot of compromises on both parts to make a happy marriage. I am sure that with the right conversations, love and devotion, that you can get this all worked out.

[suzy1]

I'm terrified.

I don't know how to approach it. I feel like I'm on the crossdressers' equivalent of death row, awaiting my own execution.

We need to talk. And I'm terrified.

To be honest I would be terrified too if I was in your shoes Maria.
This is no ones fault despite what some might say. Horrible things happen in life sometimes. Things we never foresee or deserve.

You seem to be looking for a way out of this, or an answer that will help in some way to make it easier. I think there is none. You know what you have to do. Have the talk or stop crossdressing. And if things go bad then pick up the peaces and move on.

I know it’s hard but once you have faced up to this then you will feel better and be strong enough to cope with whatever happens.

SUZY

[TGMarla]

You seem to be looking for a way out of this, or an answer that will help in some way to make it easier.

There's probably a lot of truth to that.

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

I lived in a "don't ask, don't tell" relationship for many years... and I found it to be ultimately intolerable. Life is too short to spend energy denying an important aspect of who you are, in my opinion.

My advice would be to seek out a therapist with experience in dealing with TG couples to assist with exploring these issue with your wife. Ultimately I think you're going to have to deal with the "consequences" of coming out if you're *both* going to be happy.

Just my opinions.. in any event I feel for you & good luck!

THIS!!!

Hi Marla

I've known you for a long time mostly through posts here and I am glad you put this situation out there for others to learn from, seek answers to and perhaps resolve it in a positive way. What LaurenAnne posted is what I was going to delicately suggest. Though my situation is radically different from yours... we (my SO and I) have found that the gender therapist we have has made such a profoundly HUGE difference in our way of thinking and communicating.
WE did it together, as I think you may want to try with your loved one. Obviously you love each other or else you would not still be together after so long with the knowledge of who you are already out there to some degree. Now its time to slowly meander into full disclosure with her in the company of someone who knows how to handle and guide such things. I really think you will find a WIN situation for both of you because after all... our individual and mutual happiness are what makes life worth living. What you have is worth preserving and anything can be worked out within reason but you both have to be maleable.

The alternative sounds and IS very depressing.

Take your time, think it through (as I know you already have), and make it work. I have faith in you

As for some of the self-rightous/derogatory crap that has been thrown into this thread by people not looking to help... dismiss it entirely... as it adds nothing to the solution

*hugs to you my sis*

Bethany Anne

[Melora]

Wow! Marla.. What a double edged sword that you have here.. As you have been my friend for a long time now on here, there is nothing that I can give for advise as you have given me lots of advise in the past. All I can give you is my support. Like you, in my marriage I took full advantage of when my wife was absent, which was often. I should have done things differently.. She found out about me and ultimately used that as one of the reasons for why we are divorced now. Which is good for me in a way as I have as much Katie Melora time as I want.. On the other hand, I now sleep in an empty bed right now, lack her companionship and lost many people who I used to call family.
Marla, this side of you is part of You. If you try to bottle Marla up, she Will ultimately get out. Maybe not in a good way either.
I feel for you Hun and hope you find the way and courage to make the right choices for you and your wife. I hope I am not saying the same thing as somebody else, though I might be.. You may have to put your cards on the table with this and be prepared for different possible outcomes, if Marla is to stay as an integral part of your life, as she has been, this long time now. Otherwise you will have to find an outlet outside of your house, to have Marla time, which is probably inconvenient to you I am sure.
It looks like you have tons of support here as you have many friends on here.
Huggs..
Your sister
Melora