They say all good things must come to an end

[VeronicaMoonlit]

That seems pretty simple, but for many of us, the desire to crossdress comes later in life after we've been married for a while, perhaps many years.

While it's true that there are "late-starters" they are in the minority, easily outnumbered by those who started pre-adulthood.

Life is far to complex to be reduced to a multiple choice test question.

Ever hear of "Occam's Razor", I shave my legs with it all the time. Let's look at this again. If a crossdresser marries, what are the things with the highest probabily things to happen in regards to the trans-thing. They are the three I stated....the things most likely to happen. We see those three things ALL THE TIME, on these boards (and other ones as well, and USENET, and IRC, books, TV shows, magazines, etc etc) There's a fourth as well but since it's much lower probability than the others, I threw it out. The fourth being keeping it secret through the entire marriage until you die and hope your wife dies first. That has a very low probability, considering how many "my wife found my stuff, what do I do" threads we see here.

All of that saves time on the "decision tree" by reducing things to the basics. Keep it simple. And once you have it distilled down to the essentials, then you can choose the optimal solution. Which is, as we all know, #1. Failing that you go to #2, which is less optimal as we have seen, and #3, which is no fun at all.

Now implementing the solution...that's the hard part. But one can probably use a similar method to help out in working on a solution.

We can give the OP advice, but our advice is colored by our own situations and life experiences.

Indeed, but that's a good thing. Some of us have been around long enough and have enough experience to "know" what works in general terms. And at it's basic core, isn't honesty the best solution?

With all that out of the way, the only advice that is of any use to the OP is advice on how to possibly bring the dressing up to the wife and have it end in a positive way.

Which I did.

Even then, only the OP is in a position to judge what might work and what might not.

Perhaps, but we aren't that different that we can't see the patterns and archetypes and see the solutions that have the highest probability of working. We see the same situations show up over and over and over again here.

But as I've already stated, she's not going to willingly agree to something like crossdressing when she's home,

Now hold on there, that's negative thinking. That's what prevents us from being open about this in the first place, always assuming the worst outcome. I did it myself before I came out to my family and you're doing it now. Heck, I once believed that my father would literally kill me if he ever found out. I was wrong to assume the worst. Others have found out they were wrong too, and yes, I think you're wrong to assume the worst. Though I know it's very very easy to fall into the trap of assuming the worst. I'm not saying to not take the worst in account, but If you assume the worst and say or do nothing...then what happens: you don't dress at all.

You don't want that, and I don't want that to happen to you. That would be a very very sad thing. So, wouldn't it be better to not assume the worst and go in to the situation with a non-negative mindset? Gee I'm sounding like Norman Vincent Peale here. :-)

Veronica, while analytical (to an exponential extent), has never been married to my knowledge. Forgive me if I'm mistaken here.

That is correct, I've never been married.

But it's one thing to toss advice around (lots of it) without any real-world experience of the situations on which one is giving advice. It's another to live it and come up with actual solutions.

I'm going to chide and lecture you a bit on that:

I don't have an RHCSA/RHCE cert, but after 10 years of running Red Hat based Linuxes, I might know a little something about running a Red Hat box don't you think?

There are counselors and therapists who counsel trans people but are not trans themselves...doesn't mean they don't know anything. There are marriage counselors who aren't married, or who are in Gay or lesbian relationships..doesn't mean they can't counsel hetereosexual marriages.

You know I've been around the transcommunity, online and off for years. I've watched TV shows dealing with married transfolk, I've read both Peggy Rudd's and Helen Boyd's books (lost of other books as well), I've read magazines, blogs, websites and been involved in various message boards and USENET or years.
I 've read threads by SO's and married transfolk. I didn't do all that not learn something useful. In fact since I hoped to myself be married....someday...I did it to prepare.

So yes, I'm not married and not a marriage counselor, but that doesn't mean I don't know anything. And in general terms, I don't think it's wise for one throw out advice given simply because the other person isn't "exactly" like us otherwise we'd have to throw out a lot.

It's possible that there may not be a solution to my situation. That is something I may need to accept. Maybe or maybe not.

Think positive, there's always a solution. (Now I sound like that guy in the Flashpoint promos on ION televison)

But the devil is in the details. And this very thing is what's kept this subject off the table for these many years. We were both quite happy not talking about it. It's a safe bet that she'll still be quite happy not talking about it. As for me, I'd like the entire problem to just go away, but that isn't going to happen either.

Then you "have" to talk about it, don't you. So then throw out any idea of "not talking about it" and work on the solution.

I don't think she's aware of the fact that many crossdressers need to dress for their own well-being. I'm sure that such a statement is very self-serving, but I think it's true. "Honey, you don't understand. This is something I need to do."

Well yes, you should say that. Talk about your "feelings" and how you've always felt about the trans

"Yeah? Why? You're a man. Why do you need to run around in high heels wearing boobs?"

It's funny, but I don't know how to answer that.

Actually you DO know how to answer that...you just don't realize it. You're transgendered, so explain trans 101. which you probably never did. But now it's time for you to do the classic trans 101 thing with your wife. Would have been somewhat easier "before", but you know that, and you're stuck with doing it now.

But now...you've got resources which you didn't have before, and that's a very good thing indeed! Tons of them, including this board and your own posts. Start preparing and collecting them and use them.

There is an urge inside of me to do so. Doing so answers a great need that I have deep inside of me. But I'm not sure why. I only know that this is something that somehow completes me, makes me whole. And carving it out of my life would be like losing a limb or something. I've never known life without it, and over the years, it's gotten to the point where it's become a rather complex ritual. It's way more than simply wearing a feminine item or two. It's complete female emulation from head to toe. I absolutely love wearing dresses, and spending time as the well-dressed woman I might have been had I been born female instead. I don't do this to make myself into some kind of freak or laughing stock. I have very little need whatsoever to go out in public all that much, either. Mostly what I need when it comes to this part of me, is time. I enjoy the state of being when I'm all dressed up. And after a few hours or so, I can put it away without much regret.

And what a great resource that very paragraph is! Use that, really, it's quite good. You need to show/tell that to your wife.

And that very thing is exactly what I stand to lose when my wife starts working from home.

Stop that, think positive!

It isn't self-serving. It's simply the truth. That's what a lot of us have such a hard time recognizing: this isn't just something I do. It's a part of me.

That's right.

You say, "No, I'm not a man. I'm trans. They're two different things."

Men do what they do, women do what they do, and we do what we do. We're not the same as them.

Well, I wouldn't tell Marla to say "exactly" that...but something similar:

"Look, I'm transgendered in the umbrella sense, always have been always will be, it's not going away."

I think Marla's aversion is even greater than mine because while I don't go out of my way to avoid my wife while presenting as a female, she will catch fleeting glimpses here and there which failed to make the world explode.

Yet at the same time, maybe it did and this is where Marla's feelings about this whole thing come into play. Our SO's world may very well explode in a slow-burn inside their own hearts or even with a contained violence, either of which is held inside, the image of their hubby forever engrained and heaven help us should she ever let loose with her true feelings about how she now perceives her guy.

And here is where I get to chide you both about the lack of communication. You don't know about exploding because you DADT. The lack of communication makes it harder on you than it needs to be. If she explodes internally you need to know it, if she "doesn't" explode then you need to know that too. If she explodes some times, but not others....you also need to know that.

Quoting Adam Steiner:

"Information is Ammunition."

More information is usually better than less, and I only say usually because I know about how sometimes information overload can be a problem.

Marla, I truly think you need to somehow carve out an understanding, not that you will be prancing around your wife while presenting as a female but instead, that you'll be in a sequestered part of the house doing your thing while she does hers, and that out of absolute respect for her you will not have her see anything. Yes, easier said than done.

I think that might be workable, over the short term at least....it gives you time for more communication anyway.

I don't see something like that as more than a temporary arrangement. Not something that will last for the rest of their lives.

Even if it's temporary, it's better than "nothing" and it gives them time to communicate and discuss this more.

What good does it do to remind us - again - that we should have told our wives before we married. It's not constructive for Marla at this point.

What good? My responses that mentioned telling before marriage were not just written with Marla in mind but others who might read them as well. The were also written with the other people in dADT sitiuations in mind, which I mentioned. And also with the people who are NOT married in mind...which I also mentioned. Prevention, prevention, prevention. If those who are NOT married see it often enough maybe they'll figure it out and NOT make the same mistakes we did.

We know that - now.

Then why aren't you saying it yourself, shouting it to the heavens to try to prevent the problems we see ALL THE TIME. 20 years from now I don't want to login to this website and see yet another: "My wife found my stash, what do I do" thread. I hope for a better future where wives don't find stashes, because they were told before marriage. A future with less angst, shame and anguish.

Marla's marriage is worth saving, and that's what makes this so hard.

Indeed.

I find myself having to say this over and over again, but we are all different and we need to remember this when we give advice,

Yes, but we aren't "that diffferent" that there aren't patterns, types and archetypes to this thing of ours that we can apply in offering solutions and advice.

If you identify yourself as a simple crossdresser, not a transexual, that would not be a good response. Personally, I identify myself as a heterosexual male who likes to dress as a woman from time to time, not a transexual.

I think the person used "trans" as shorthand for "transgendered" (in the umbrella sense) not "transsexual"

I believe most women would rather find out that their husband of many years (supposedly a man) is a crossdresser rather than somewhere between a man and a woman.

Perhaps, but I don't think people should underplay or understate the extent of their transgendered feelings either. Many crossdressers DO have a transgender identity...that doesn't mean they identify as transsexual though.

Veronica