thanks for the update Paula! Don't worry about the earring thing, it wasn't a test or anything like that, but an opportunity to maybe become a little bit more self-aware of the forces that are acting upon you right now that can be hard to discern while you are in conflict with yourself internally. Most importantly are you journaling your feelings and trying to avoid any analysis or conclusions? If not then START RIGHT NOW. The more self awareness you can learn right now the easier all of this will be to navigate. You need to learn the habit of separating your feelings from your identity and ego as soon as possible to do this.
Ask yourself why it is easier to come out to your wife as an emergent transsexual, to tell her that you are a woman and not a man, than it is to go and get your ears pierced without asking for her permission? Does she need permission from you to change her earrings or get her ears pierced? I'm NOT judging you here at all, I would have done the exact same thing, and probably did in my first marriage. Being able to answer this question while being completely honest with yourself is a clue to more self awareness right now.
If you are familiar with the common threads on the crossdresser forums here then you'll occasionally see a thread started by a curious SO that is a gg. If they are here trying to gather information they'll give a short description of themselves and the relationship. Then ask advice from the members usually in a way that pertains to making the relationship stronger and eliminating deception, lies, and confrontation that occurs when this issue is brought into focus.
What is the most common reply that many of the cd'ers will say to a wife or gf? They will say there is nothing wrong with boundaries, boundaries and firm rules will save your relationship, tell him what he can and can't do and you'll both be much happier for it.
ed s
I have never really identified with that sentiment becuase I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm being treated like a child. You'll see them using the analogy to a kid in a candy store and pink fog a lot. Pink fog means they aren't responsible for their actions and need someone to reign them in, and maybe that's true for them.
Are you unintentionally setting that dynamic up with your wife? You can't transition while acting like a crossdresser. The more self-awareness you can get about what you need the better able you will be to manage yourself and experience the least amount of pain necessary going through this process.
For example in my life I'm about to start hrt soon. I've read many, many accounts of the potential problems that this can cause for SO's in a relationship when physical changes occur. I've done everything I can to allow my SO to already adjust to some of these changes beforehand so that it will be less hitting her all at once later. One of these changes is skin texture softening. For the last 6 months I have been moisturing all the time, at least 3 times daily. My hands and arms are as soft as hers, so is my face. It happened so gradually that neither one of us noticed it until it was quite apparent. Then when I bring up hrt and mention that one effect might be softer skin she says "that's cool, your skin is already really soft and I like that". I've tried to do the same thing with smell because I know hrt will alter my body scent. I know I'm not the type of woman that's gonna be comfortable with anyone, including myself, smelling the stank of the day, you know? For at least the last year I have used philosophy body lotion (pure grace) and that is what I smell like all the time. When I wear a scent on top it's either Aqua di gio (spelling?) or Calvin Klein Euphoria. Sure hrt will make some additional changes for my scent but when I mentioned to my SO that my body scent may change somewhat from hrt she was fine with it cause she likes how I smell now and never smells my bo anyway.
The point is that people are only capable of processing change at a slow pace. The more you can manage and plan out your transition by self-navigating yourself the easier it will be.
I think I read that you're an engineer on another thread, that is excellent because it means you have an analytical mind that is great at logical problem solving. You need to tame it and make it work for you though. You are a body in motion, but because you are experiencing an internal conflict that cannot be ignored you have experienced a lot of distress lately. You need to first know what vectors are acting upon you (build self awareness). Then we need to know the viscosity of the medium you are traveling though (how much resistance from your environment you will face). What can be done to alter your aerodynamics to fly more smoothly (how will you manage yourself, like a crossdresser or like a transitioner?). Then you need to chart your course (confirm your identity through experience to build confidence in your goal, pay attention to the sisters that have done this before you and try to avoid their mistakes).
I have come out to two SO's so far. I can tell you from experience it is much easier for a SO to accept that you maybe are transsexual if you already smell like a girl, wear feminine jewelry occasionally, have your ears pierced, etc. The severity of their reaction has a lot to do with how "male" your presentation is compared to what they consider a "feminine" presentation. And wives generally will put up with a crossdresser but a transsexual not so much anyway.
Most important right now, how did it make you feel being asked to get your ears pierced? This is not a tranny test, no wrong answers, just a chance to understand yourself better that is all
