How best to help my 11 year old cd/asperger/tics

[Mommydearest]

Just discovered my 11 yr old googling words like : sissy boy, bras for boys,bondage, naked girls in a box, tutus , women pooping, naked 10 year old girls, and other terms I have never heard of. He found female suits you can put on to anatomically look female. I looked in his room and under the covers was my dress, and bathing suits. My 9 year old told me his older brother showed him once after dressing up .
He has aspergers, and Tourette's like tics from time to time. I always worried about bullies and now... I haven't talked to him yet about the websites, he knows my clothes are gone from his bed. He's super sensitive, doesn't like to attract negative attention, mainstreamed in middle school , straight A's. I'm worried about the extreme violent images he saw on the painful bondage sites.
My question to you all is what is the most supportive thing we can do and say when we talk to him? What rules do we set, do we get him his own clothes now, do we ask him to dress in private? Any advice or thoughts on what I found online as well will be greatly appreciated, my husband says we only have 1 shot to get it right and we don't want to freak him out or make him feel bad.

[Jenniferathome]

Get a therapist involved right now. This is your best chance of success. Additionally, download NetNanny or any of the website blockers and install on his computer, tablet, and phone. You will need to explain to him that these sites are not for children. It is perfectly reasonable for any parent to block any website that is not age appropriate. Act quickly

[GaleWarning]

I have a friend who works in this field, MD. I have asked her to read your post (which I emailed to her). I will get back to you asap with her comments.

[Nadine Spirit]

Wow. What a shocker that must have been for you. I am sorry that it must have been more than a tad disturbing.

My two cents - Years ago, like about 30, when I got some freedom of information, back then it was bulletin board systems, pre-internet days, I looked up a large amount of information. I think it was just sort of intelligence gathering. I was not into everything that I looked up, I was rather just curious. Personally I would not be too bothered/concerned with what he looked up on the internet. Just because I saw pictures of things, it did not sway me one way or the other. I remember one conversation with an older gentleman that would have freaked out my parents, but helped me to realize that I really am heterosexual. You could offer to discuss anything with him that he is curious about, and be willing to have an honest discussion with him where you are giving him honest answers to his questions. If he is willing to be open with you, please discuss it with him openly to try and give him facts about what he is curious about. Most of it is probably just that, curiosity. I know it was for me.

As far as taking and hiding your clothes, yeah that is fairly typical cross dresser behavior. You could try letting him know that you are okay with whatever clothes he would like to wear, if you are that is, and it sounds as if you are. But let him know that it is not okay to take mommy's items. If he would like his own clothes, you would be willing to get him his own. While I personally do not see anything wrong with wearing those clothes wherever he would like, bullying in schools is a reality. He is around middle school age, and during those years many kids are relentless in their teasing. Wearing clothes that could be either male or female could go unnoticed, but fully dressing as a girl would most likely bring him some undue hardships. I would personally recommend that you allow him to wear females clothes when he would like, except to social functions, like school and such. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but to protect him from outside negative elements.

Now this is assuming that he simply wants to wear female clothes. It might be worth some visits to a counselor to determine if he has deeper gender issues and could possibly be questioning his male gender. If that is the case, then I am certainly not the one to offer advise as I have no personal experience in that matter.

I applaud you and your husbands willingness to try and handle this the right way and for not having jumped all over him immediately and punished him for his behavior. You two sounds like great parents. With open honest communication, anything can be handled.

Good luck mom. PM me anytime you would like with any further help or clarification I might be able to provide to you.

[Stephanie Sometimes]

Don’t panic, every 11 old boy in the world is confused and curious about everything sexual. If there had been an internet when I was that age I would have looked up every weird thing I could think of if I had some assumption of privacy. Having said that there is no question the internet is a dangerous place and children need to be educated on what is ok and what is not.

A therapist would be a good idea but I would not embarrass a child by getting too critical on what they have viewed on-line. I don’t think I would be inclined to censor either. If he is doing well in school that itself indicates good personal responsibility.

As for the crossdressing behavior I am at a loss for the best advice to a parent but I can tell you as a CD myself that we don’t know why we do it but it just seems right and good and natural for us and fundamentally harmless at the same time. I think the occasional desire to crossdress is much more prevalent in males than we will ever know since it has been historically frowned upon and most men would nearly die before ever admitting to it.

You are obviously a loving caring Mom for coming here for information. Love is the best medicine and I am sure you can work through these issues.

Hugs,
Stephanie

[Amy Lynn3]

You have already gotten some great advise, but I'll add my two cents. I have a 13 year old grandson with aspergers. He does not, as yet show any signs of being a cder, however, he is like your son in many ways.

You many already have one but, the best help his parents found, was to find a great doctor who specializes in asperger treatment. I think the doctor can advise you on how to handle the aspergers, with the proper medication or no medication. It took us years to find the right doctor and my grandson is like a new person. I would think, onced the aspergers is treated properly the cding will take care of itself and following the advise of others here. To sum up....I feel the PROPER treatment of the aspergers is PARAMOUNT.

[Beverley Sims]

There is some good advice here, I do not recommend any encouragement of dressing and a disapproval of the websites as far as family values go.
Point out that they are not sites that small boys should look at and then encourage response by being interested in what language he is learning and from whom.
To panic and rush out and do something may push one of his buttons and make him withdraw.
You want him to communicate with you.

[LilSissyStevie]

Your son sounds a bit like me when I was that age with respect to his strange sexual interests, only I didn't have Aspergers, I was severely emotionally disturbed. I was already undergoing psychiatric treatment by the age of 9 and was in a mental hospital between 12-14. All told, I underwent about 15 years of "therapy" and I'm pretty sure it did me no good at all. Yet, I turned out OK anyway in spite of the fact that I still have strange sexual interests. So, based on my own experiences and my experience as the father of six children, I'm going to make a radical proposal: Love him. You can have some control over his internet usage at home, of course, but you can't change what turns him on. That's pretty much fixed by his age.

[Tina_gm]

Sounds like you have your hands full here. I have a son who is diagnosed with Aspergers's. Sexuality or gender issues has no role in Asperger's. Those are completely separate. Aspergers's may depending on how severe add to more confusion, because with Asperger's their world is very black and white. I would even have some additional opinions on your sons diagnosis here, Asperger's is I believe becoming a little too popular and too easy for experts to be diagnosing at this point. And too many are reactive about Asperger's IMO.

[MatildaJ.]

Tourette's like tics from time to time.

Lots of good advice here, just wanted to add that my daughter had those tics (shoulder shrugs, little grunts, eye rolling), starting in grade 4, but they gradually faded away around age 11 or 12, when puberty started. At its worst, we couldn't bear to go to the movies or a restaurant with her, because we'd get so much attention. She mostly kept the tics to a minimum during the school day, but then let herself go in the evenings, when she felt comfortable with us.

Our approach was to pay as little attention to them as possible. Like stutters, they can get worse if you add to the child's stress by getting visibly irritated or angry at each tic. Many children have the tics, and many if not most eventually outgrow them.

We did get a video, for educating her teachers & classmates (though we didn't end up showing it to them because she was doing okay there)-- it's called "I Have Tourette's but Tourette's Doesn't Have Me."

Good luck!

[LilSissyStevie]

... gender issues has no role in Asperger's. Those are completely separate.

Some of the current thinking is that there IS a connection. I ran across this study the other day on a different forum.

The extreme male brain revisited: gender coherence in adults with autism spectrum disorder

http://bjp.rcpsych.org/content/early...97899.full.pdf

[Mommydearest]

by the time i got to nadine's reply, i had my first good cry. i felt sooo touched you all took the time to respond, i am really grateful to everyone on here.
jennifer at home, today i put net nanny on all devices. been reading up and looking for a good therapist for us to talk to. thank you galewarning for sending my post to
your friend ...

[mykell]

i wish you well, glad you found time to confide with us, professional help was my first thought, but sharing your journey was paramount to helping others who will read in the future, hoping best things for you and your son with acceptance in the future...

[giuseppina]

Hello MommyDearest,

I agree with most of the ideas above, including NetNanny or similar software. Make sure you have a secure password containing UPPER CASE, lower case, numbers, and symbols if they are allowed. Some intelligent, inquisitive, and mischievous children see this sort of thing as a challenge to break or work around, but it is due diligence on your part.

He should not have a computer administrator account that allows him to install or modify software other than installing updates to antithreat software (virus, firewall, spam, phishing, etc.) which should be automatic in any case. A hardware firewall is a good idea as they are much more difficult for malware to disable.

Child protection authorities frown upon asking or demanding a child crossdress. It is considered abuse, just as disciplining a child for crossdressing is not the best thing. If he wants to dress as a girl, it should be his idea and his alone.

He should have his own girl things. That's one of the issues we harp on endlessly here, well the adults, anyway. Taking him to stores a fair distance from your home reduces the probability he is recognised and therefore the probability he will experience homophobia and/or transphobia at school. That was a big issue for me, and nobody ever saw me in the ladies section of a store without my mother and sister present. Nobody ever saw me wearing girl clothes, either, though I left evidence.

The big issue as puberty comes around is bullying, not just about the Aspergers, but the gender issues and everything else. In my experience, it gets worse and sexual in high school. I don't have Aspergers or the tics you describe, but I did have a posterior more appropriate on a genetic girl starting about your son's age and all the way through high school. I am a genetic male.

Any psychiatric medications and treatment should be overseen by a child psychiatrist. Mental health and behavior issues are more difficult to diagnose in children. IMHO a general practitioner/family doctor should not be dealing with a situation like your son's without the assistance of specialists.

[GaleWarning]

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you, mommydearest. Couldn't access the internet last night. Had a chat with my friend and this is the gist of it ...

Your son is probably fixated on something already, be it computers, dinosaurs, Terminator movies, or something else. Divert him back to this fixation in the interim, using the notion of good versus bad choices. Always offer choices.

Net nanny is a good idea, but may encourage him to "break into" the system, if computers are his "thing". Instead, try to find out where he was introduced to these websites. It is unlikely to have been at school, as schools usually have good filtering software. If it was via a friend, again, use the notion of choices to point out that perhaps he should be choosing friends with interests other than these.

Aspergers children tend to have an extremely well-developed sense of right and wrong. Explain to your son what the law has to say about viewing inappropriate material whilst underage. This will discourage him.

My friend thinks that the reason many Aspergers males crossdress is because they find it difficult to form relationships with girls. They just don't "get" girls and don't know how to interact appropriately with them. This is another area where you could teach him what is, and what is not acceptable behaviour. I'm talking things like respect, don't touch inappropriately, definitely no bondage etc. Again, rules!

Most Aspergers people think in pictures, so use images of good behaviour to explain and reinforce correct and appropriate behaviour. Do this often, at least daily, so that it becomes part of his routine.

I will add more if other stuff comes to mind. My friend and I wish you and your family well. It cannot be easy for you.

[Chickhe]

You can't prevent him from seeing things. In fact, I think it is worse to hide information than to let someone see it and decide for themselves what matters. I would not tell him you know what he searched on, you might damage your trust with him, but just monitor it. Talk to him and answer questions together...help him search and talk. Make him understand that you don't care what he searches on as long as he doesn't hide from you. I would not tell him it is okay if he does it or not...that's making a judgement on him...just explain the pros and cons. Curiosity is good...and I would not conclude that he is or is not anything unless he tells you so.

[Vickie_CDTV]

I'm probably in the minority but I'd take away the internet and all his internet capable devices (except for schoolwork when you are watching), until a doctor examines your child and says it is ok to allow them to use the internet again, and then with as much supervision as possible. Kids that age are certainly capable of getting online somehow (those with Asperberg's tend to be technically inclined I believe), and can usually get around filters fairly easily, but I'd make it as hard as possible for him. Bear in mind, in theory, you could be held accountable for "allowing" him to view such material in your home, regardless of whether that is fair or not, and that is grief you don't need (especially the underage girl stuff.)

If it was just "Playboy" type pictures of nude adult women he was looking at and didn't have other issues, I wouldn't worry much, all men are curious around that age. But the combination of his unusual interests plus other issues he has would really make me worried. Not just what he is looking at, but who he might be talking to especially.

As far as dressing, it might be ok to let him dress in private, but I'd be reluctant to allow others to know of his dressing. He might be a transvestic fetishist (most likely), on the other end he be might be a transsexual. I wouldn't cross the bridge of others finding out, unless it turns out he has GID and must transition etc. at some point. His peers, school, and/or misguided government agencies can make your lives very hard, I'd keep his dressing private for the time being, unless it becomes necessary for tohers to know in the future.

[sandra-leigh]

Mommydearest, this science article came out today: Researchers Uncover Mechanism Controlling Tourette Syndrome Tics. Brief summary: researchers showed that some kinds of mild brain stimulation may suppress tics. As this has just been found, it may take a few years to make it practical.

[Asche]

I agree with Nadine's reply. Just a few comments from when I was around that age:

1. Don't assume anything. As others have said, he might be just experimenting with what appeals to him. I'd say don't push and simply make it clear that you're willing to listen to anything he wants to share, except: based on my experience with my Aspie son, I suspect he won't say anything. My son has a real aversion to dealing with anything that involves strong emotions. You may need to initiate the conversation. Not that I'm an expert, but I'd suggest touching on these topics without actually saying that he's doing them -- allow him plausible deniability. As you and Nadine have mentioned, you want him to feel that you don't think it's a big deal.

2. When I was that age, I would have seen being sent to a psychologist as meaning that there was something seriously wrong with me. On the other hand, if he's diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, you may be taking him to a therapist already (our son saw one from 1st through 12th grade), in which case the therapist would be a good one to bring it up.

3. A lot of therapists are very bad with gender issues. (Actually, a lot of therapists are bad, period.) You should sound out the therapist before getting the therapist involved.

4. Although it's not your situation exactly, you might want to visit the blog raisingmyrainbow.com . It's by a mother whose younger son (now in 1st grade) likes "girl things," such as dresses, nail polish, pink backpacks, and Monster High (is that a particularly girly thing?) They're trying to let him be who he is and help him deal with the often negative reactions of the world they live in.

[Mommydearest]

Mommydearest, this science article came out today: Researchers Uncover Mechanism Controlling Tourette Syndrome Tics. Brief summary: researchers showed that some kinds of mild brain stimulation may suppress tics. As this has just been found, it may take a few years to make it practical.

this forum is better than me getting on all the other forums- this is a gem of an ariticle!

[NathalieX66]

I have a co-worker that has Tourette's . He takes meds that subdue the tics pretty effectively, but when he is not on it, I know it.

As far as Asperger's , anyone who has it will soak up information like a sponge, and store it like the Library of Congress, and will know every bit of info down to the nth degree. My mom's third husband has a teenage grandson who has Aspergers' , who I would call pretty gender ambiguous, noting that he has a lock of his blonde hair braided down to his back. My brother has is too, but a bit more mildly. He is a video game developer/programmer with a Doctor's degree in computer science. I don't know what the best answer is, but I can tell you that people with Asperger's have a rediculously massive ability to retain information that a normal person like myself couldn't. It is rumored that 40% of professors at Princeton University (where Albert Einstein taught) have some form of Asperger's.

[Mommydearest]

My friend thinks that the reason many Aspergers males crossdress is because they find it difficult to form relationships with girls. They just don't "get" girls and don't know how to interact appropriately with them. This is another area where you could teach him what is, and what is not acceptable behaviour. I'm talking things like respect, don't touch inappropriately, definitely no bondage etc..

Yes- so right, he doesn't "get" girls, even asked little bro for advice. If he thinks tying them up is the way to go... Uh oh! Please thank your MD friend for the wealth of knowledge shared yesterday. I got him back onto his pokemon fixation until I get an appt. w a child gender issue therapist I found here in L.A.

[TokyoLily]

From Tony Attwood's (2007) book, "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome," p. 28:


Some children with Asperger’s syndrome dislike who they are and would like to be someone other than themselves, someone who would be socially able and have friends. A boy with Asperger’s syndrome may notice how popular his sister is with her peers. He may also recognize that girls and women, especially his mother, are naturally socially intuitive; so to acquire social abilities, he starts to imitate girls. This can include dressing like a girl. There are several published case reports and, in my clinical experience, I have seen several males and females with Asperger’s syndrome who have issues with gender identity (Gallucci, Hackerman and Schmidt 2005; Kraemer et al. 2005). This can also include girls with Asperger’s syndrome who have self-loathing and want to become someone else. Sometimes such girls want to be male, especially when they cannot identify with the interests and ambitions of other girls, and the action activities of boys seem more interesting. However, changing gender will not automatically lead to a change in social acceptance and self-acceptance.


It's actually one of the better books out there on the subject. Very comprehensive.

[Valarie]

Mommydearest, when I was 13 my mom found my secret stash, and threw it away, she never said a word, but I got a lot of glares and awkward looks from my dad. I was terrified. I am not saying what you did was wrong, please do not think that, but he must feel embarrassed and scared the way I did. The best thing you can do is talk, be honest and supportive, ask him how does he feel. I have a 4 year old, my wife and I have always been very gender neutral in our home. We have both said whatever his choices in life are, they are his and we love him, as I know you and your husband love your children. This is a very confusing age, I went threw a lot of bullying because of my diabetes, and when I would dress really quick when I was lone I felt happy, but I was always afraid I would get caught by my super Catholic mom.

As far as the internet things, I was exposed to pornography at a very early age, (dad did not hide it well) it confused me, and I have spent some time with my therapist about it. What he has been seeing is kind of extreme, I have always been anti censorship, but having a child now I encourage blocking some sites like that. The sissy sub culture is something I really do not like it is very humiliating in my opinion. I am not sure if you and your husband have talked to him about puberty and changes, this may be a good time to explain some things to him.

Open communication is the best, you are obviously a very loving and concerned mother to come here and want help with him, (tearing up) I wish my parents had talked to me, I was so scared and worried about what they thought about me. Remember we are here for support

[Mommydearest]

i had to talk to him the next day because i did not want him freaking out that i found my clothes under his blankets and not say anything. he's an anxious kid. i told him it must be confusing for him and that mom and dad are not angry. that he could dress if he wanted to at home and i would get him his own clothes that fit him better. he was so uncomfortable about having the conversation that he wanted to drop it all together. he said he did not want clothes because he was going to tell his brain to not do it anymore. that broke my heart. i told him sometimes that is not easy, and the feeling is too strong. he is not being bad and if he needed too, it was ok. we left it at that until i get a meeting with someone soon. i'm so grateful to all of you, especially sharing your knowledge regarding tics/tourettes and aspergers. poor kid needs a break but somehow it seems like it may all be somewhat connected.