Milou - I think we all pass through that phase.
Western society tries to imprint us with the binary and mutually exclusive images of masculinity (tough, hard-edged, strong...) and femininity (caring, soft, sensual...) - and coming to terms with the concept of being trans- or pangendered is difficult. Nothing in life prepares us for this.
But if you can begin to grasp the concept that some of us are made in a subtly different way to most people (who have no issues with the binary male/female world) and that we somehow embrace all aspects of masculine and feminine in different measures and ways, then some things might get easier. I struggled with similar thoughts, but in the past few months I've become more happy that this pangendered perspective is truly a gift that 'normal' folk very rarely understand and most will never appreciate.
So - time to stop loathing your other side - that's non-productive energy! Start channelling that into harmonising your complete self - there aren't really two sides to you - that's just you trying to fit yourself into the model that society gives us. There's only one you - one Milou - embracing much more than mere 'normal' folk.
Once you have accepted that - and I hope and believe you can - the really difficult part is trying to explain it to other people!
Find harmony within yourself - be happy... you're not alone...
Katey x
