Paula, you bring up a good point when you say with reference to your wife, "When I came out to her...".
Think about it. I dare to say that most of the threads here about relationship issues that eventually end up with extreme compromise (if that's what you call one side giving up their POV completely) or utter destruction come out of relationships where the trans issues were disclosed after marriage.
Frankly, because I was an early-adopter of disclosure (having told my wife not even 3 or 4 months into dating), I cannot fathom what it must be like to feel compelled or obligated to disclose post-marriage. And while I may be of the opinion that such disclosure beats the heck out of hiding and subterfuge, I am thankful that for whatever reason, I never had to contemplate such things.
Lori mentions a pleasing mentality that may be prevalent here. Perhaps true, it may arise out of the fact that the women in our lives hold a lot of the cards when these things are disclosed post-marriage. There is zero leverage in any argument when blame for the entire scenario can easily fall on the side of the trans person. Think of the oft-used quotes...
I didn't sign on for this.
Your hiding this for so many years was simply lying.
Makes me think the pleaser mentality is just a manifestation of guilt because just looking at the two quotes above, there are few, if any, logical rebuttals (as if logic can even start to rebut emotion in the first place).
So keep falling on your swords. I'll be curious as to how sustainable the relationship proves to be in the long run.
