If the magic fairy came to me and said "drink this magic potion and you will be a beautiful young woman in every way, and people will simply accept you as a woman, but you can never turn back into a man. I'd have chugged it without hesitation.
That being said, for most of my life, I've "settled" for being a cross-dresser. Until I was in my early 20s, sex changes were illegal in most of the United States, and those doctors who did do them charged more than the price of a luxury home for an operation that left you with a numb clitoris, and not great sensitivity elsewhere. In "Sulka's Wedding", it was possible to see the post-op results and it was pretty easy to see what was missing and what wasn't functioning.
By the 80s, the techiques had improved radically, but it still cost more than a house to get the procedure. I was also married and had a son. Even though the marriage had gone platonic, asexual, and my wife had become abusive, she decided to have sex with me the night after she came home from a male strip club at about 4 AM smelling like an adult movie theater. I pretended to be asleep.
In 1988, after our second child, I finally found an AA sponsor who not only had some experience dealing with transsexual sponsees, but had a friend who was a gender counselor. As a result, "Debbie" did her inventory, and got down to core issues that had been shoved under the table by previous therapists, psychologists, and 12 step sponsors. In October of that year, I went from being a fetish dresser (at home or on the road but always in private) to being a cross-dresser - out in public.
When we went to a marriage counselor and Leslie told him about "Rex's wardrobe problem", he saw me separately and after 3 weeks of grilling questions, he realized that I was not only transsexual, but I'd been lucky to survive as long as I had. He said most people who are as severe as I was killed themselves if they didn't transition by the time they were 30. I was already 34.
I started transition therapy, and was on course to transition when my wife made a credible threat that if I didn't halt the transition, I would never see the kids again, but I'd still have to pay child support. So for the next 16 years I "settled" for being a cross-dresser again.
Then the balance started tipping. A heart attack and a stroke, ending one relationship, and starting a new one with Lee, started to open the doors to thinking about transition. After spending 6 months in Saudi Arabia then spending the winter in Stockholm Sweden, I began to wonder about transition again. My daughter was about to graduate, both my kids knew I was transgendered. I created a Second Life account as a girl, and began to enjoy being a girl in the virtual world. Shortly after that, I waxed off my beard, permanently removing about 90% of my facial hair. I started thinking about losing weight so I could start cross-dressing in public, and I got a facebook account for Debbie. I was surprised at how many of Rex's friends wanted to be Debbie's friend too. Later, I found that most where not at all surprised that I had Debbie inside, I never really passed as a "man" in the first place.
When my father was about to die, he asked me to fly up to see him before he died. I knew it was important, so I flew up. When I got there, the first conversation we had he said "If I can't give you anything else, I want you to be yourself, and if that means being Debbie, be Debbie!". Dad spent the rest of the week getting to know his oldest daughter. At one point, about 2 days before he went, he thought I was my mother. It was so great to know that he loved ME and that I could truly be myself with him, even if only for a week.
My father's death triggered my own thinking. I wasn't getting any younger, and even if I could only be an old lady, maybe that was better than trying to spend whatever time I had left living the lie. When Lee realized what I was doing, she whispered in my ear "I'm not OK with this, you should have talked to me first". I went into a nose-dive emotionally, and ultimately ended up in a psychiatric ward. I agreed to go to more 12 step meetings, and to get with a gender therapist. I saw the therapist alone at first, for about 6 weeks. Then asked Lee to come with me. Lee came to the first session, a little concerned. She said "I understand that Rex is transgendered, but I'm not a Lesbian". At that point, the therapist said "Oh really, tell me what you do with each other in bed?". Lee described our activities together and she smiled and said "And how many man have done those types of things with you?". Lee started laughing very loudly and said "Oh my GOD, I'M BISEXUAL, and I have the perfect girl for me!".
From that point on, Lee became supportive of my transition. She did start taking an active role in helping me choose my wardrobe. We started shopping for nicer clothes that were age appropriate, size appropriate, and appropriate for work or church. It took some of the "Fun" out of the dressing, but on the other hand, I was happier, healthier, and more focused than I had been in a long long time.
I think you make the transition from cross-dresser to transsexual the first time you wake up in the morning and go "I don't want to get all dressed up and do make-up and wear heels", but you do it anyway, because it's an expression of who you really are.
So if the good fairy offered you the magic potion, would you sniff it (transvestite) sip it (cross-dresser), or chug down the whole glass (transsexual).
Chug Chug!
