Quote Originally Posted by Sometimes Steffi View Post
Right now, I see three doors:

Behind Door Number 1: Go “Cold Turkey”. See how important CDing is in my life. See if I can handle not CDing. It’s been a long, long time since I tried. See if I “go crazy”. See if she can handle it if I really do go crazy.

Behind Door Number 2: Go Underground. Keep doing some of the stuff I’m currently doing “invisibly”, but don't go out dressed. Underdress. Shop in public and online without taking time away from her. The risk of getting caught goes way up.

Behind Door Number 3: Just "Go" (the trial separation route). See how much is really left to be saved vs. removing the current constraints on my life. At half my current net income.

I'm going to start with No. 2, and see if I can progress to No. 1.
I see a fourth door: Start a new hobby with your wife. It can be anything! Both of you take a fun class together. Ballroom dancing? Stained glass making? Joining a gym and after the workout the two of you go out to dinner? Have a look at the offerings at your local community college: arts, crafts, computing, photography, learn a new language together, take a course in philosophy or history … something!

Lori mentioned that people notice the things that bother them more than anything else. Most of us do this.

So the way to help take the focus off the times when you do things that she does not understand (and she likely misreads) is to start doing something radically new with her. Staying home to watch TV won't do it, this falls into the "good-but-humdrum-and-unnoticed" category. But learning how to make stained-glass art (for example) will fall into the "good-AND-noticeable" category. Start building new memories with her.

I wouldn't make the mistake of going underground. This can have dire consequences. Best to be honest and tell your wife that you do want to work with her on the timing, but being out for one hour does not an evening make. Who goes to a party or to dinner and a movie, and just stays an hour? Maybe a solution would be to go out fewer times in a month, but make a reasonable evening of it when you do. You could negotiate the timing based on the amount of time you will be there, plus add the travel time. So if the event is an hour away, it would not be unreasonable to be gone for five hours.

Also, do any other wives go out with you and your friends? If your wife were invited, this might displace a lot of mystery. And don't forget to tell your wife that her feelings matter and your marriage is your priority just as much as it is hers.

But … don't make promises that you won't be able to keep, because you do risk eventually breaking those promises and when this happens, any good memory blocks that you will have built will be totally eclipsed by the broken promises.

Last thing … do you usually go out on Fridays or Saturdays? This is prime-time. It's lonelier for your wife having to stay home alone on a weekend night than it is during a week night. So are your friends flexible, and could you go out to dinner with them on a Wednesday night instead?