Question from a GG

[PaulaQ]

I'm not saying he's a bad person. Just suggesting that someone who is:
1. Local to you
2. Available to you - i.e. not in another relationship
3. Not the type of person who, apparently, sneaks around behind his wife's back
4. Able to meet you in person, let you know them fully and directly and openly
is liable to be a much better person for you. Your guy may be fine, and just in a really unfortunate marriage. Believe me, they happen, but that still doesn't make him right for you.

The guy who played this game with me was a creep, and when I discovered what was really going on, I considered, for a couple of minutes, jumping off the Singleton Ave. bridge here in Dallas. It would've been a really pretty place to die. Fortunately, I calmed down, sought out friends, and came to realize that I'd been victimized.

I have no idea whether or not your guy is like the one who preyed on me. (Believe me, he knew exactly what to say to push my buttons.) My only point is you don't have any idea, really, whether or not he's like that because you haven't met him.

I made all the same arguments you are making. Every one of them. And once I found out the truth, I hated myself for a while.

I just don't want to see you get hurt, hon. Look, I know there are many CDers in miserable DADT relationships that they are unwilling to end for whatever reason. That he hasn't done that should be a giant red flag to you. I'm not trying to be judgmental. I don't know this guy from Adam, and I don't really care if people play around on their spouses - that's their business. But I am saying that he doesn't seem to be acting very ethically here, and since you stand to be the one to be hurt in all of this, you should worry.

If he isn't comfortable talking to his wife about your relationship with him, you probably aren't "just a friend" and this isn't exactly ethical. (Not to excuse his wife's behavior - it may very well be just awful. However, if its so bad, why doesn't he leave?)

He may be a really good person, just in an awful situation. But this almost certainly isn't the right way to handle that, and it still doesn't make it a good idea for you to be involved in it. Your chance for heartache is just really big here, in my view.

BTW, have you considered what would happen if he leaves his wife for you, rushes over to meet you, and you discover, in person, there is just zero chemistry. In fact, you really don't get along that well, and the relatioship isn't going to work well for you - you just don't want it. You could end up feeling awful because 'he left her for you", but you find you just don't want him after all.

There are a ton of ways for this to go wrong, and only a couple of happy endings. Be wary.