Helping a SO understand

[Welshgirl]

Hi Taielyn,

I am married to a CDer, who has recently gone from wearing panties under his clothes occasionally to being full time in ladies' clothes (apart from the very few times when he really can't). I had a different experience to yours, in that Pamela (my SO) went through his process of discovering that he was a cross dresser with me alongside him every step of the way. I was with him when he was buying his first femme clothes in the shops, and I was the one who paid for them; I was the one who went with him to buy his first ladies' shoes, his first wig, his first makeup; I was the one who took him to get a makeover so that he could find the right shade of foundation.

I really do appreciate that finding out by surprise must be a huge shock, and it is a massive learning curve for both parties. The difference is, he has had a long time to get used to the idea, and you didn't have that luxury.

A little over 2 years ago I was packing to go back down to Oregon where we are from for my Mom's wedding, and I found a huge bag full of women's clothing. I was very confused, upset, and frankly scared. This person I had been living with and had discussed marrying was suddenly completely foreign to me.

He was still just the same guy, and all the sides to him that you knew were the same - he just had an added dimension that you didn't know about.

I insisted he go see a counselor to get to the bottom of why he dresses. All he could tell me was that it helps relieve stress, and I was (still kind of am) convinced there is a deeper reason.

If you read some of the back threads on this site, you will find that this is the reason why a great many men dress. Pamela tells me that he is happier, more relaxed, less angry, less aggressive and much more emotionally sensitive now that he has let his feminine side in too. There may be other reasons, but if that is the one that he has given you then I would believe it to be the truth because if he has noticed it enough to comment on it, then it is really happening for him.

He had been dressing again for 5 months and even though I have been asking he hadn't told me he was having problems.

Why do you assume that him dressing again equates to him having problems? He may not be able to resist the urge to experience the calmness and relaxation that it brings. For Pamela, it is an urge, a compulsion even, but one that is of great benefit to him and to the way he relates to (and interacts with) the rest of the world. It is a shame that he found it necessary to hide it from you, but if he couldn't cope with negative reactions to it (whether in the past, or yours, or in his imagination or fears) then perhaps that was why he did it. It may have been something that he has hidden for the whole time so far, and that may be how he is used to it being.

At this point I had it out with myself that if this is something he needed to do I would find a way to be alright with it.

There is plenty of support for you too, both on the forum and in the form of counselling for you on your own or as a couple. It is definitely something that cross dressers need to do, and I have my doubts that this will ever change. Rather than just being alright with it, how about finding a way of embracing all aspects of your partner? It is a part of him, and has been for a long time.

I wasn't sure how I would explain that (heaven forbid I had to) to my future kids

We have five children, all late teens/early twenties. They all know about their dad, and are uniformly not at all bothered. Their reactions ranged from 'cool' to 'whatever makes him happy'. If your kids were brought up with it as normal, there would be no need for you to tell them. If you waited to tell them, and insisted that he hide it from them until you were ready to tell them, they would pick up on any disquiet that you have with it, and you would be perpetuating your family pattern of not being open-minded. There are plenty of families which are outside the range of what society deems 'normal' - do you think that if he was in a wheelchair you would hide it from the children until they were old enough for you to have to tell them? That would just make them less understanding of diversity and less accepting of difference when they encounter it.

approximately $500.00 worth of clothes, again - much nicer stuff than I have ever had. (I get my VS bras during the semi annual sale and consider it a treat).

Pamela spent £2000 in a month on his new wardrobe. I don't think I have spent that much on myself in five years. I know what you mean!

I asked again if he needed to do this and that I could accept it if he did. He assured me that he doesn't want to, he just doesn't know how to stop. We padlocked the attic shut, and I have the keys on my person at all times.

He may never find a way to stop. Him feeling guilty about it is not going to help anyone, and may make him less happy all round than if he felt accepted. I'm sorry, but I can't believe that you have padlocked all his stuff away from him. It won't make him stop - if he wants to dress, he will just go out and buy more things when he can't resist any longer, and then he will almost certainly come to resent you for trying to stop him.

I know I have a double standard here because I can accept men who are becoming women (despite not understanding) however I know I couldn't marry a man who was wanting to become a woman. I lost it, I was more confused than I ever had been. He said he had been looking as sites like these and was looking into it because he wasn't sure where he fit in, what his title is, and why he does this.

Fair enough on both parts - if you get married it is usually because you see a future ahead of you that includes children and family, not necessarily losing that option to him transitioning. For him, he needs to spend some time with a proper gender-specialist counsellor to sort out what he wants. That is not something that he can rush, and if he doesn't accept where he is now then he will need to find out somehow.

He says he is certain that he likes being a guy and being with girls. I want to believe him so badly.

I would believe him. There are enough posts on this forum that give all sides of this, and guys seem to know from early on whether they are hetero, bi or gay. Cross dressing does not automatically mean 'gay'. Quite the opposite - gay guys are men who like other men, they are not generally men who like other men who are dressing up as women. They are attracted to men, not women. As far as I understand it, cross dressing is a way of allowing men to express their feminine side, which society denies to them from an early age. The vast majority of CDers on this site are firmly hetero.

Please don't let your fears hold you back from having a full and loving relationship with your partner. There is nothing 'wrong' with him, and the sad truth is that the more you try and make him out to be doing something shameful or disgusting, the more he will hide it from you and the less trusting and loving your relationship will be. He is who he is, and you may as well ask him to stop having blue eyes as ask him to stop dressing.