See, it wasn't just the analogy at the end though. Those things were the dominant force throughout your response. I'm not blaming you - expression is easier to talk about, and a convenient crutch.Originally Posted by mikell
That's totally fair, and it's a big part of the reason why it's so hard to have conversations specifically about gender identities, and especially ones that we don't already understand well. It's hard to talk about things that are (to a significant degree) innate. In contrast, gender expression is incredibly easy to talk about.
It's not all about the innate stuff though. Experience is a significant part of our gender identities. It's interesting that you mentioned judging other people, because being judged has been a big part of my experience thus far of being a woman, and one that I share with almost all of my female friends. I am judged for everything. If i'm not smiling, men I pass on the street tell me to smile. If I go to work without or with minimal makeup, people ask me if I'm feeling okay, or tell me I need to take care of myself. If I go to work with too much makeup on, people ask me who I'm trying to impress. If I wear natural makeup, nobody pays much attention to me at all. If I sit quietly and listen to what a man has to say then I'm being too passive and need to speak up. If I actually speak my mind declaratively/firmly, then I'm told to settle down. The only way I can routinely get away with suggesting something contentious is with 4 qualifiers and an "...I mean, maybe? What do you think?" attached.
Almost all of that comes from men. In my experience, most women who judge other women in those ways do so reflexively after a lifetime of being judged, sometimes to try and roll with or impress the men. All of my really close friends are women, and I've come to love them even more in the last two years because our friendship is a safe zone where there's no judgment.
It doesn't matter whether men are wearing dresses or not; it's the same. I had a number of experiences where CDs actually told me I was "bad at being a woman" for wearing anything more practical/comfortable than a formal gown and 5" heels to an event, never mind the fact that all the GGs were dressed just like me. I can look "beautiful" in a fantastic dress and painful shoes, but I am always my most radiant when I'm sitting in the Napa sun with sunglasses, comfy jeans, and a loose shirt on laughing wholeheartedly over a glass of wine with my friends.
Most people who are not living their lives as women (and being seen as such) do not get to have those experiences, both for better and for worse. So, unfortunately that leaves us with trying to talk about the hardest thing - innate identity, and what it means to be a women in a world where experience isn't necessarily a part of it and primary/secondary sex characteristics aren't the primary determining factor.
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In the absence of experience and genitals as a basis, my identity as a woman is largely driven by two things.
- A deep discomfort with the idea being a man
- My sense of empathy and the ways in which I connect with myself and others
To me, when men talk, especially with other men, it all seems so... simple. Because of A, it's B. Because B, it's C. Therefore, D. Linear thinking. I can understand them, but it's always been difficult to relate to them in a way that makes me feel like I'm really being understood.
I won't speak for other women, but I feel like my thoughts are distinctly less linear and fuzzier than most men I know, at least as far as I can tell. I'm almost never processing one stream of thought, and when I try, it's often interleaved with other related things. My world is connections. Connections between me and others, connections between experiences, and connections between thoughts. With respect to thoughts...
My mind feels like an infinite web of emotional connections between things. It's never, "something bad happened today, and that sucks. Moving on." Very occasionally, it used to be, but estrogen cleared the last of that right up.
It's, "something bad happened, and my mom is having such a hard time lately, and oh god why did my manager make that comment today, and maybe I just wasn't interesting enough to make that really boring guy be less boring, and what if it's really my fault that my mom is struggling, maybe I should've done more, ugh, I'm so done with this week, but I have to clean because that other guy is coming to my party tomorrow, wow I'm really tired, and all I want is a burrito but I'm on this diet, and god what do I even think about that guy, and do I have to worry about my job because of what my manager said, and I mean, that guy's cute but, ugh why is my mom in my head so much today, and OH SHIT I'm supposed to bring a cake to my FRIEND'S party tomorrow, and ugh maybe I should just go for it because I really like that guy and I'd rather try, and ugh, was my day really that bad, I mean my mom's having such a hard time, why should I get to feel so bad... <DEEP BREATH> I'm going to take a bath and read a book so I can avoid thinking for a bit".
I would struggle to explain how, but when I'm with other women (cis or trans), I feel very at ease - we are speaking the same language. When men are around, whether they're wearing dresses or not, I feel like I'm having to speak in a language that I learned a bit of in high school, but can't really fully express myself in.
