Progress, in terms of going out in public

[Krisi]

Congratulations on your outing. I know you had fun. I've been out to the mall and walking around town but I try to avoid interacting with people so I've never actually shopped or bought anything while dressed.

Looking at your photo, you look like a female so I'm surprised that people would stare. Maybe it's just because you are tall for a woman.

[Pat]

Congratulations! I still get nervous from time to time and can relate. It's worth noting that when a place is crowded, that means that it's filled with people who are there for a reason and have more on their minds than you. It's the places where there are idle folks who have nothing better to do that tend to be more of a problem. After a while you get to the point where you focus so much on what you're there for that you forget about how you're dressed. I've occasionally been brought up short when someone says something like, "Oh, I like your necklace" and I think, "Oh yeah, I'm wearing a necklace."

[dolovewell]

Good on ya.

How about, purely as an experiment, going somewhere you feel safe and deliberately returning every gaze you feel coming your way with a broad smile. Owning it 101. Just try it for 10 or 15 minutes, then get away and think about the experience. I'm willing to bet you get plenty of smiles back. I know it would take guts, but you're no coward.

Avoiding eye contact may not be the most helpful thing you can do; I have had better luck with making eye contact to the point they look away or ignoring them completely and not acknowledging their presence in any way. This does depend on your self-confidence, and the circumstances to a great extent and does not mean to avoid observing them (you want to see if "Something might be gaining on you" per Satchell Page).

To address both of you, I have been thinking about it and I really want to return eye contact and not shy away from people staring at me. I think its all mental. As I said earlier, by returning eye contact to the starers and gazers, that would mean I would have to mentally accept the fact I am being stared at. I think this is the obstacle I am facing - I don't want to accept the fact people are staring at me, so looking away is my coping mechanism so I can still give myself plausible deniability about being stared at. The thing is, I know its happening, so why do I work so hard to deny the fact I am being stared at?

Looking at your photo, you look like a female so I'm surprised that people would stare. Maybe it's just because you are tall for a woman.

To be honest, I think I might be presentably female, but I know for a fact that anyone who gets a decent look at me will be able to tell something is off. This is why I think I get stared at so much, people are trying to figure out why the image of me is clashing with their brain. I honestly think that CDs who don't come anywhere close to passing and are not even up to presentability standards get stared at less - because its so obvious there is no need to give a deep stare to figure it out.

You are right about my height - I am extremely self conscious about it at 6 feet tall. It makes me feel like an Amazon Woman, even though I am fairly slender. It's why I have never understood the fascination with heels in the CD community - I own one pair of heels that I have only worn once, when I didn't even go out in public. Now they collect dust. I am already extremely self conscious about my height, why would I want to make myself even taller?

[Sarah Louise]

From pictures I've seen of you, you look very passable. Yes, hardly any of us will truly pass under great scrutiny, but I suspect you're over-worrying and most who notice see a tall girl. A few maybe think is she a he, come to no conclusion and then carry on with their business. That's those that even bother looking at you of course!

[Judith96a]

until a group of teenagers humiliated me one night at a JC Penney that set me straight.

Teenagers can be brutal! You fell, or were pushed off, your horse and you need to get back on. Easier to say than to do so congratulations on your latest outing.

As others have said, when I see your photos I see a girl. The incident with the teenagers has probably pushed you from being slightly complacent about your ability to 'pass' to being hyper - critical of your ability. Reality lies somewhere in between and you will find it!

I'm 6', and while I might confuse people at 20' range I'm under no illusions about passing at close quarters. However, I know from experience that if you meet a stare with a (apparently) confident smile one of two things generally happens, either the starer gets embarrassed to have been caught staring and rapidly averts their gaze or they smile back.
If you're in a really mischievous mood you might be tempted to combine the smile with a really obvious wink. Perhaps not!

[Tracii G]

About your comment on make up I understand your theory on the amount of make up.
To be honest I felt that way for a long time too.
I was trying to hide the guy just like you are and I got a tip from a make up artist friend of mine.
Everyone has wrinkles and skin imperfections so don't worry about them less is more when it comes to make up.
She said too thick draws too much attention for GG and CDers and it looks very un natural.

[audreyinalbany]

I've been thinking a lot lately about the make up issue.Most GG's I know always do eyeshadow, mascara, and a dab of lipstick. Everything after that is elective. I don't have great skin so I tend towards foundation, but probably overdo it most of the time. I agree with Tracii that "less is more'.

[ShyDeanna]

I think you look fantastic and I truly admire your courage to go out at all. I've made small steps, but I don't know if I'll ever be passable or have the confidence to overcome that fear. My wife doesn't like to shop alone and she says she feels awkward, I think about this when I debate ever going out into public. Great job, you are an inspiration!

[CONSUELO]

You are doing very well and most people would not "read you" Just be strong and confident and ignore the stares. Who knows why they are staring at you, so just ignore or give them a quick glance and turn away. The more confident and self-assured you are the less people will spend their time staring. BE STRONG AND WALK ON!

[Rogina B]

There is no substitution for "street time". So,keep at it !

[StephanieJ]

Seriously girl! If I looked half as good as you, I would never go out in male clothing again. <3

[ellbee]

It really is a catch-22 situation and its tough. I think about this all the time. "Is the amount of makeup I am wearing too much for what I am going out for?" and my answer is usually yes. The thing is, wearing less makeup is more natural and "blendable", but I also look less feminine. I rely on makeup to kind of mask as much as my masculinity as I can. There are a few outings I have had(with picture sets on my Flickr) where I went with a more subtle makeup look(less foundation/concealer, brown eyeliner, not much if any eye makeup on my lower lash line, lighter lip color), and I am not the biggest fan of those pictures, they make me cringe. I even stopped wearing my brown eyeliner because I didn't feel like it was feminizing my eyes enough and I would only see male in those pictures. I feel like I look better and more feminine when I am more heavy with my makeup, but at the same time, I may very well be overdone for simply going out to the mall or store. Yet, I think I prefer that to my lighter makeup looks, just because I would rather look overdone and more feminine than more appropriate and more masculine. I think I need to work on finding a middle ground. For this reason of blending in I have actually been wearing darker lip colors lately, since its fall and that's when women wear darker lip colors.

Understood, dolove.

I think it can be an issue many of us face (pun not intended! ).

There really is a "tipping point," of sorts: Too much, and one looks out of place as a GG, which would attract more attention; not enough, and one simply looks like a guy wearing a bit of make-up, which, of course, would attract more attention. It's tough to find that sweet spot.


It's also a reason why I tended to go out from late afternoon, on -- because a heavier evening look is much more applicable to, well, the evening! :D


I also stayed away from darker lips. Why? For one, it will make your lips appear smaller. And honestly, I'd rather have the appearance of larger lips, as that's generally a GG trait, relatively speaking, compared to thinner ones. And two, darker lips will draw that much more attention to them -- and also to one's chin & jaw. Not particularly a CD'er's most feminine area.

A third reason, and it might sound weird, but it makes sense in my head, anyway : So somebody realizes you're a guy dressed as a woman. They might not be all that accepting of it. But would they potentially be a wee bit more "forgiving" if you were wearing a medium or light lip, as opposed to this strong dark color? What I mean is, I kind of liken it to: Would another person be that much cooler with the whole thing if the CD'er was wearing jeans as opposed to a short skirt & hose? I believe the answer is yes, in both cases, as it boils down to "degree."


Anyway, going out in public is a whole new ballgame when it comes to this, as you've been finding out. A CD'er has to step up her game in all kinds of ways, IMO, and it doesn't come overnight. Progress is always good.