Couple time vs CD time

[Lottalove]

Hello everyone, I?m new here a GG and looking for advice on balance from those of you that are achieving it! To give you some context, my husband is a very private person and doesn?t want to be a woman full time but to express himself as a woman on occasion and be passable. We have 2 small children and do have family that we can rely on for dates but it may be a juggle to get the couple time vs the CD time as this is not something we want to share. He shared his interest in CDing with me a month ago and we have been shopping, went out once and are planning to go out during the day next week after a makeup consultation. My question is how do you manage your free time: couple time and CD time amongst family, children and work.

[Rhonda Jean]

I'm guilty of blowing this big time. For me, any time away from the kids was automatically CD time. Might be couples time, too, but it was CD time. Particularly out of town. It may sound improbable, but I really didn't know it bothered her. She thought she was doing something for me by not objecting (which she was), but it the long run it drove that wedge a little deeper every time it happened. You HAVE to talk about it, and you shouldn't feel compelled to give in. You should be able to say "No CDing this time", and he should (must) respect that and enjoy just being with you. Talking about it openly is the hardest, or it was for us.

[Micki_Finn]

Well I don’t have kids, so that’s one variable that’s out the window for me. As to the rest, we don’t really separate CD time and “couple time”. Sometimes my wife goes out with me, and sometimes she’s out with Micki. It helps that we have similar interests that are appropriate dressing venues.

I’d like to clarify something. You say “this is not something we want to share”. I’m confused as to what exactly you mean. Do you mean that you don’t want to be around each other when he’s dressed, or do you mean that this is something that the two of you don’t want to “share” with the outside world?

This is especially confusing as you mention “[going] out once” and “planning to go out... next week” which would contradict my interpretations of your previous statement.

So here’s the important questions:
1) Does he now, or would be eventually be ok with going out in public dressed?
2) Would YOU be ok with the above scenario
3) Would you be willing to accompany him in such a scenario
4) Does him being dressed preclude you from considering that “couple time?”
5) Where are you on balance now? Too much CD time? Not enough? Too much for you, not enough for him? Same question about “couple time”


So why not look at your outings and shopping as BOTH couple time AND CD time? I know my wife loves helping me with my drag and it’s something we bond over.

This is actually a really good question that I don’t think there’s a one-size answer for. Every couple is going to have a unique dynamic and needs.

[Teresa]

LottaLove ,
I don't want to upset the apple cart but you have described your husbands current needs , he may stick to them or he may feel the need to move on . Your time maybe dictated by those needs , it sounds selfish but what drives the need is very powerful , otherwise he and the rest of us wouldn't be doing it at all .

The good point is you are supportive but at the same time you are entitled to do things you wish to do both jointly and on your own . You mention young children so what are your feelings about them sharing the dressing time or is that most unlikely ?

Some CDers can get bouts of depression if they can't fulfill the need , it's all to do with brain chemistry . Personally I find it harder to understand the shame and guilt heaped on our community , to allow a CDer room often makes them a better person .

It is a balancing act and it does take time to understand and accept , your husband may have to be more open nd be less private , the situation will be much easier if he is prepared to be open and honest with you , I wasn't allowed to be and paid the price .

[Lottalove]

I'm guilty of blowing this big time. For me, any time away from the kids was automatically CD time. Might be couples time, too, but it was CD time. Particularly out of town. It may sound improbable, but I really didn't know it bothered her. She thought she was doing something for me by not objecting (which she was), but it the long run it drove that wedge a little deeper every time it happened. You HAVE to talk about it, and you shouldn't feel compelled to give in. You should be able to say "No CDing this time", and he should (must) respect that and enjoy just being with you. Talking about it openly is the hardest, or it was for us.

Hi Rhonda Jean,

I?m finding that we?re both trying to be overly accommodating and I could be guilty of this too. I just posted in the thread on boundaries as it?s not something we thought of until we saw the heading. I think it?s different for the GG because they now are managing a relationship with 2 people while the CD is still them and in one relationship. I know this thought track could be contentious but while he doesn?t feel he?s different I?m anticipating a difference in how we interact from female mode to man mode. I love how female mode makes him feel so hopefully I?ll be able to merge both with more exposure and conversation.

Thanks Rhonda Jean!

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Well I don’t have kids, so that’s one variable that’s out the window for me. As to the rest, we don’t really separate CD time and “couple time”. Sometimes my wife goes out with me, and sometimes she’s out with Micki. It helps that we have similar interests that are appropriate dressing venues.

I’d like to clarify something. You say “this is not something we want to share”. I’m confused as to what exactly you mean. Do you mean that you don’t want to be around each other when he’s dressed, or do you mean that this is something that the two of you don’t want to “share” with the outside world?

This is especially confusing as you mention “[going] out once” and “planning to go out... next week” which would contradict my interpretations of your previous statement.

So here’s the important questions:
1) Does he now, or would be eventually be ok with going out in public dressed?
2) Would YOU be ok with the above scenario
3) Would you be willing to accompany him in such a scenario
4) Does him being dressed preclude you from considering that “couple time?”
5) Where are you on balance now? Too much CD time? Not enough? Too much for you, not enough for him? Same question about “couple time”


So why not look at your outings and shopping as BOTH couple time AND CD time? I know my wife loves helping me with my drag and it’s something we bond over.

This is actually a really good question that I don’t think there’s a one-size answer for. Every couple is going to have a unique dynamic and needs.

Hi Micki Finn,

Thank you for your reply, the ?not wanting to share this? comment was directed at family that would look after our children. If my family knew we had unique needs that we were trying to figure out they would more accommodating with child care. I don?t know if others are out like this but just saying that this is not our situation. My husband and I want to have boundaries for CD time as our husband/wife relationship is very sexual and we don?t anticipate this to be so in fem mode.

[Davina Katherine]

Lotta,

my situation is a bit different. My wife and I are both 64, kids grown and on their own. So we have lots of free time.
My wife supports me and we also go out together as girls shopping, etc.
However, I still need to be mindful that when en femme I'm not her husband David, I'm Jessie Mae. And that changes our relationship.
So its very important that she gets to be with her husband, the MAN she married, as often as she needs. If that means I don't get to dress, so be it. Not sure if that helps, but it is another part of the balancing act.

Keep talking to each other, and avoid any guessing games.

[Lottalove]

Hi Jessie Mae,

Thank you for your reply! This sounds similar to where we are going. We enjoy shopping together and I got him a new Kate Spade purse and makeup brushes for Valentines Day. I like the person he is en femme but it is not the person that squeezes me in public of gives me a slow kiss over dinner. I need that person too. Do you have a frequency or pattern that seems to work?

[Micki_Finn]

Ah that clarifies things. Interesting that you mention anticipating him “acting differently”. From what I’ve seen, this happens to a LOT of couples and quite often turns into a crisis point for many relationships. A lot of CDers (and trans women) go through a kind of “second puberty” when they first start dressing, and that description is frightening accurate. I see a lot of new CDers acting like petulant, oversexed teenagers. Some dressers get over this, and some don’t. Not to scare you off, but you do need to be prepared. It may very well be like interacting with a whole different person for a while. The dressers will often try to put people off by saying “I’m still the same person!” Which may be true, but they don’t realize they’re not ACTING the same, as they’ve always had a desire to act that way. Best of luck to you both. Just remember, it’s up to you BOTH to make this work. Don’t let him put it all on you!

[Lottalove]

Ah that clarifies things. Interesting that you mention anticipating him “acting differently”. From what I’ve seen, this happens to a LOT of couples and quite often turns into a crisis point for many relationships. A lot of CDers (and trans women) go through a kind of “second puberty” when they first start dressing, and that description is frightening accurate. I see a lot of new CDers acting like petulant, oversexed teenagers. Some dressers get over this, and some don’t. Not to scare you off, but you do need to be prepared. It may very well be like interacting with a whole different person for a while. The dressers will often try to put people off by saying “I’m still the same person!” Which may be true, but they don’t realize they’re not ACTING the same, as they’ve always had a desire to act that way. Best of luck to you both. Just remember, it’s up to you BOTH to make this work. Don’t let him put it all on you!

Hi Micki Finn,

Thank you for your quick response but I think you may be reading too much into this. My ?anticipating a difference in how we interact male to female? has more to do with our own sexuality as a husband and wife relationship than to do with a change in personality. He has been in no way unkind or petulant but as always thoughtful, loving and considerate. I just think our own sexuality and predispositions will lead us to be in a more hand holding partnerships in public and we?d miss our kissing and more intimate public displays without time for that too.

[Davina Katherine]

Micki, I'm a good example of the teenager behavior, but not to an extreme. Mainly with my choice of outfits. There have been a few times my wife has had serious doubts about my fashion sense (or lack there of). I will admit that she was right.

Lotta, I go en femme to a support group every other Sunday. That allows me an afternoon or evening of shopping and dinner en femme. We don't have a specific schedule of girl time. But planning ahead is important. A last minute declaration of "Oh honey, would you mind if I get dressed up when we go out today?"

[Asew]

First off I want to say how great it is you are here and it shows how supportive you are.

This is personal to the couple and how far along they are. At home couple time can be CD time or not, it doesn't matter most of the time anymore. But my wife is more reserved when going out with me so most outings are male mode.

We also have school age kids so I wanted to share what we did. Since my long term plan is to be public about my dressing, about two months after I told my wife, my wife told our kids and thus I slowly starting phasing in things into my regular at home wardrobe. This might be hard for someone who wants to present full woman but for me as non-binary (someone in between male and female and mixes aspects of both) it worked great.

[Rhonda Jean]

I think it?s different for the GG because they now are managing a relationship with 2 people while the CD is still them and in one relationship.

Perceptive, and well said. I don't really agree with the "2 people" part, but I can't think of a better way to say it. He is looking out through the same eyes. Visually, his world is exactly the same (you look the same, everybody and everything is visually the same to him) whether he's dressed or not.

[Victoria_Winters]

Hello! First off, I would like to say thank you for being so excepting and willing to work with your hubby. I know many here are jealous.

Ok. So here is my two cents on the matter...

I don?t CD in front of my kid not out of shame but for the fact that I don?t know he would understand (7 year old).

I think you can have couple time on both in/out of femme mode. If you two plan to have a nice quote day at home... no kids, and watch a movie, nice meal, and be just people. Then go for it in femme. You can have couples time as usual but with the fact he looks like a she.

If you aren?t ?interested? in a sexual moment with him en femme, then let him know that. If your planning to have some.... extra curricular activities in your....room... then no dressing up.

I can?t speak for him but personally I never gave much thought to sex while dressed. He might not be interested but he might be as well. This would be a subject the two of you would have to talk about. I do suggest that you do talk about it and voice your concerns to him. I don?t know your particular tastes on the matter of being intimate with him while dressed or girls in general, but talking is the key here.

On a lighter note, you could totally mess with him and play the song ?I kissed a girl? right after you guys kiss while he is dressed up. Sorry, I always try to find something funny for any situation I?m in.

If you ever want to talk just shoot me a message and I?d be happy to help out

[Pumped]

Lotta, first let me say it is great you are supporting, and not freaking out like many wives do! Keep the communication open and you both will get through this just fine.

Second, as far as balance, it is hard to do with children, unless you are willing for them to see daddy dressed up. Some couples do and the kids grow up with it with no ill affects. Otherwise it can be tough to give your hubby some girlie time. Depending on your schedule, perhaps an hour or two after the children are put to bed might be enough, with the occasional times when the kids are with grandparents or friends and hubby can dress as he likes. Best you can do is talk to hubby and see what he likes.

[Rachelakld]

Hi Lotta.
I have 4 daughters, they knew of my dressing since they were early teens (old enough not to blab to friends) - Yes they "borrow" my clothes and makeup, which generally turn up after a few weeks. They are older now, and their boyfriends have seen me dressed up.

For me, I currently require about 3 hours of girl time a week (to keep my balance).
When I get grumpy, wife or kids tell me to bugger off and get some girl time (I tried meditation, guitar, martial arts and various other hobbies but they didn't help me keep my inner peace).

My time is generally in the weekend mornings (6 am - 10 am usually while the wife and kids sleep in or have a relaxing start).
If there's no "projects" the wife or kids need, I might on rare occasions be out until 1 pm, by which time I'm usually bored, wishing I was fixing a car, doing renovations etc.

I tend to start missing my wife's company after 3 hours away.

[docrobbysherry]

Lotta, I think you'll have to work this out yourselves. Because inter couple and family relationships r all very different, but challenging, without CDing thrown in! Whatever u 2 agree to that is FAIR and WORKS!? Is OK!

In my experience, I came out to a life long girl friend. We were college sweethearts but stayed in "contact" thru our marriages and divorces. After my divorce we were starting to see each other again. I told her about Sherry. As I had only recently began CDing. At first she a very supportive. But, she soon resented Sherry and we broke up after 40 years!

Moral: U need to express your concerns!

[Lottalove]

Hello! First off, I would like to say thank you for being so excepting and willing to work with your hubby. I know many here are jealous.

Ok. So here is my two cents on the matter...

I don?t CD in front of my kid not out of shame but for the fact that I don?t know he would understand (7 year old).

I think you can have couple time on both in/out of femme mode. If you two plan to have a nice quote day at home... no kids, and watch a movie, nice meal, and be just people. Then go for it in femme. You can have couples time as usual but with the fact he looks like a she.

If you aren?t ?interested? in a sexual moment with him en femme, then let him know that. If your planning to have some.... extra curricular activities in your....room... then no dressing up.

I can?t speak for him but personally I never gave much thought to sex while dressed. He might not be interested but he might be as well. This would be a subject the two of you would have to talk about. I do suggest that you do talk about it and voice your concerns to him. I don?t know your particular tastes on the matter of being intimate with him while dressed or girls in general, but talking is the key here.

On a lighter note, you could totally mess with him and play the song ?I kissed a girl? right after you guys kiss while he is dressed up. Sorry, I always try to find something funny for any situation I?m in.

If you ever want to talk just shoot me a message and I?d be happy to help out

Hi Victoria,

Thank you for your insight, I'll definitely reach out! We don't want the kids involved for the same reasons and partially as he doesn't know how often CDing will be a part of our lives.

Thank you again!

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Hi Lotta.
I have 4 daughters, they knew of my dressing since they were early teens (old enough not to blab to friends) - Yes they "borrow" my clothes and makeup, which generally turn up after a few weeks. They are older now, and their boyfriends have seen me dressed up.

For me, I currently require about 3 hours of girl time a week (to keep my balance).
When I get grumpy, wife or kids tell me to bugger off and get some girl time (I tried meditation, guitar, martial arts and various other hobbies but they didn't help me keep my inner peace).

My time is generally in the weekend mornings (6 am - 10 am usually while the wife and kids sleep in or have a relaxing start).
If there's no "projects" the wife or kids need, I might on rare occasions be out until 1 pm, by which time I'm usually bored, wishing I was fixing a car, doing renovations etc.

I tend to start missing my wife's company after 3 hours away.

Hi Rachelakld,

Thank you so much for your reply! I think we will need to figure out how often he wants to dress in order to know how open we will be with the children.
Thank you for sharing your frequency and how you remain balanced in yourself and with your family!