I bet Nadine knew I was gonna post..
CD'ing all my life and in the closet. Lots of sexual issues... Lots of obsessive thinking..
I'll say it this way
I honestly did not know what I knew. LOL...
Gosh I cannot say how horribly it plagued me that I wanted and wished to "be a girl"
It hit me so hard when I realized what that feeling was. And I fought so hard against for many years.. I ended up transitioning but i had resources and advantages that made it feasible.
So yes... its a real thing you are going through.
Years ago people would say "the bell is rung"
Be kind to yourself Angela.
Be honest with yourself and be open to your possibilities and be realistic about your future.
It would help alot if you can be open and honest with others to the extent you are able to do that, getting some support is important.
In my experience being able to honestly express yourself can be very helpful.
