Finally honest with myself

[Angela Marie]

This is the first time I have posted in this particular forum. For many years I have considered myself a crossdresser; unwilling or unable to admit my true gender. I'm not sure how it happened or when it happened, but the realization has grown stronger and stronger over the past few months that my feminine side is not an aberration or a fetish but who I truly am. At 66 years of age i'm not about to transition; family issues being the other part of the equation. But for the first time I have been truly honest with myself. Have any women here gone through the same slow realization?

[Nadine Spirit]

I considered myself to be a crossdresser for about 10 to 15 years before my reality became unavoidable. I now know who I am, and surprisingly I now can remember that I have actually known for my entire life. It's just that I refused to acknowledge it and thus I forgot for awhile.

[Nigella]

I am one of this group, I was able to live as a cross dresser for a number of years, both behind and in front of closed doors. My family were very important to me at the time and nothing was done until such as a time that they were comfortable with the steps I planned to take.

I had crossdressed for a large part of my life and never considered myself as a transexual. This changed in the last 10 years or so, I could no longer live with the pretence of being a woman, I was a woman. It took long years to come to this realisation, but the final straw for me was that without medical assistance, I could do nothing more than pretend.

I had socially transitioned well before this point, but always said that the medical side would be supervised, too much risk to take otherwise. During my "required" chats with the gender team, my past just highlighted that I was a woman but had been able to supress it and pretend to be a man.

I firmly believe that when you finally accept yourself who you are, then you realise that your past was a lie and that you need to, in your own way, become who you are.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I bet Nadine knew I was gonna post..

CD'ing all my life and in the closet. Lots of sexual issues... Lots of obsessive thinking..
I'll say it this way

I honestly did not know what I knew. LOL...

Gosh I cannot say how horribly it plagued me that I wanted and wished to "be a girl"
It hit me so hard when I realized what that feeling was. And I fought so hard against for many years.. I ended up transitioning but i had resources and advantages that made it feasible.

So yes... its a real thing you are going through.
Years ago people would say "the bell is rung"

Be kind to yourself Angela.
Be honest with yourself and be open to your possibilities and be realistic about your future.
It would help alot if you can be open and honest with others to the extent you are able to do that, getting some support is important.

In my experience being able to honestly express yourself can be very helpful.

[DMichele]

Angela,
I spent the majority of my life thinking that I was a crossdresser, but about 6 six or seven years ago I had an awakening - albeit slow. I can remember picking up the 2014 Time Magazine Issue that featured Laverne Cox on the cover. The cashier wanted to bag the magazine but I said no bag was necessary (I was not ashamed of the magazine's cover or subject matter). I believe that was the start of me taking ownership in my gender identity.

About a year later Caitlyn Jenner appeared on Vanity Fair Magazine and on TV interviews. Shortly thereafter I came to the realization that I identified as a transgender near-female. It took a while to resolve my gender identity, but today I am comfortable in my body, mind and being.

[natasha]

Im still s l o w l y coming out to whom I really am.......

[Lana Mae]

Hi, Angela! I was mostly naive and had no idea about all of this! When my wife passed away, a giant tidal wave of GD attacked me! I had to know more so I came here! I gained a whole bunch of knowledge in a short time but it took a while to digest it all! I am 69 and out 24/7 and my name has been legally changed including my birth certificate! I am Lana Mae! That realization continues to grow daily and I love it! I am a Transwoman and accept myself as such! There will likely be no surgeries and sometimes that is hard to deal with when the GD decides to be mean but I carry on as Lana Mae! Best wishes on your journey! Hugs Lana Mae

[CarlaWestin]

To add some food for thought to this issue, I was perplexed and somewhat ashamed of my crossdressing adventures when I was younger. I believe there was some correlation with other sexual issues that I was dealing with. I was physically extremely immature and didn't reach puberty until much later. My overcharged imagination seemed to add fuel to the fire and I didn't have the great interest in the usual boy stuff. I knew I was male physically but wondered if I was a female trapped in a male body and just giving into societal expectations. Well, having had a lifetime to ponder this it's conclusive that I'm definitely male with a penchant to enjoy normally exclusive female experiences. And I'm OK with that. And in my mid sixties, I've physically aged to mid forties. This is a thread about realising trans or not. Well, I'm not. But I'm also thankfully not dripping with testosterone.

[Sarah Doepner]

Angela,

Congratulations, being honest with yourself is an amazing feeling. Now, just take your time, there is no set schedule you need to follow.

I'm 71 years old now and recently got my legal name and gender changed. The arc of my transition has been slow as my focus was always dealing with my gender dysphoria. I would add something new to the response and that pretty quickly became the new baseline. It was important to balance those actions with the need to meet my commitments to family and my career, so while that slowed me down, it didn't change the path I've followed. I retired and cared for my wife until cancer took her. After a couple years of counseling to help in sorting out what was grief, what was financial stress, what was social pressure and what was gender dysphoria I opened up to the next steps in dealing with who I have been all along.

I can't say I've always known where I would end up, but I never said never and kept my goal the same. I've just wanted to be content and happy with myself. The things that have worked best at getting me there have been those things that helped validate my female gender.

[Aunt Kelly]

You are in good company, Angela. I daresay that most of us here realized later in life, who we really are.
Take Kaitlyn Michele's advice...

Be kind to yourself Angela.
Be honest with yourself and be open to your possibilities and be realistic about your future.
It would help alot if you can be open and honest with others to the extent you are able to do that, getting some support is important.

As for ruling out transition... don't. You don't have to do it at all, and you certainly don't have to take any particular medical steps if you don't want to. You should, however, take the advice of many here and be honest with yourself about what it will take to give you the peace that gender dysphoria keeps at such a distance from us.

[HelpMe,Rhonda]

This sounds familiar!

Put myself in the crossdressing category for all the decades of my life, but last few years I was feeling the need to do more than what the closet would allow. Then when quarantining started and I couldn't even dress, the pressure built up until I just realized that dressing wasn't all I needed anyway and I might be running out of time.

I gave myself permission to contemplate transitioning, then once that happened I couldn't see not doing it.

So here I am, late 50s, 6 weeks on HRT.

[ptp009]

Yes same here

[mbmeen12]

Have any women here gone through the same slow realization?

Yes everyday and the final solution is in a few years from now with me...

[Teresa]

Angela,
I find it frustrating that's it's something I've finally come to accept in my late sixties , perhaps some of us could say we lived in enforced crossdressing because of the fear or lack of knowledge of moving on .

Transition means different things to each of us , we must learn to do it by our own rules and not others , it's very easy to be caught up on the " must do list " because others have taken that route . To me if life is good at the point you're at then that's fine , you shouldn't have to apologise or feel bad because it's not where others are at .

[cindylouho]

Omg I don't know where to start. I haven't been here long, and really haven't probed this section of the forum at all. Maybe because of a general vibe here, or perhaps my perception had made me feel like my comments didn't belong here since I'm not transitioning nor have I had any intense desire to. Today I wanted to start a thread titled 'I should have known all along' outlining the many forgotten or repressed memories that have come back to me, which affirm the way I'm living my life today. That led me here, and I feel strange for wanting to cry out "Sisters!". Your stories have touched me deeply, I suppose because I have so much in common with some of you, or could have under different circumstances.

This is the first time I have posted in this particular forum. For many years I have considered myself a crossdresser; unwilling or unable to admit my true gender. I'm not sure how it happened or when it happened, but the realization has grown stronger and stronger over the past few months that my feminine side is not an aberration or a fetish but who I truly am. At 66 years of age i'm not about to transition; family issues being the other part of the equation. But for the first time I have been truly honest with myself. Have any women here gone through the same slow realization?

I share with you everything you just said Angela, except I'm 58. May I ask, assuming you're married/dating, does your SO support you?

I now know who I am, and surprisingly I now can remember that I have actually known for my entire life. It's just that I refused to acknowledge it and thus I forgot for awhile.

Wow shot though heart, thank you Nadine.

Hi, Angela! I was mostly naive and had no idea about all of this! When my wife passed away, a giant tidal wave of GD attacked me! I had to know more so I came here! I gained a whole bunch of knowledge in a short time but it took a while to digest it all! I am 69 and out 24/7 and my name has been legally changed including my birth certificate! I am Lana Mae! That realization continues to grow daily and I love it! I am a Transwoman and accept myself as such! There will likely be no surgeries and sometimes that is hard to deal with when the GD decides to be mean but I carry on as Lana Mae! Best wishes on your journey! Hugs Lana Mae

You seem so well grounded Lana congratulations on that, having lost your wife that's about the place to be. When I read your post I started to wonder if I might think of transitioning if my wife passed away. yes I might. I then began to wonder if I had been born 20 or 30 years later, yes I might, but if I think about doing it now its a definite no. Its not just about me, my wife would probably be supportive, but I would be depriving my daughter of her father, she's a daddy's girl and I could never do that to her.

I'm definitely male with a penchant to enjoy normally exclusive female experiences.

That precisely where I am in my life atm, though things have changed so quickly I don't know where I'll be in a year.

The arc of my transition has been slow as my focus was always dealing with my gender dysphoria. I would add something new to the response and that pretty quickly became the new baseline. It was important to balance those actions with the need to meet my commitments to family and my career, so while that slowed me down, it didn't change the path I've followed. I retired and cared for my wife until cancer took her. After a couple years of counseling to help in sorting out what was grief, what was financial stress, what was social pressure and what was gender dysphoria I opened up to the next steps in dealing with who I have been all along.

I hope you're in a good place now and heading to a better one my dear Sarah. Your comment about adding an element to change your baseline really hit close to home, thank you.

I gave myself permission to contemplate transitioning, then once that happened I couldn't see not doing it. So here I am, late 50s, 6 weeks on HRT.

Your remark made me think and scared me a bit too. I'm the same age as you are, if I really start to seriously consider it will I be swept away by some unseen pink fog? But in all seriousness, good for you in having the courage to go for it and the good fortune to be so happy with your decision. You look great for your age Rhonda.

Not allowed to quote so, excellent advice as usual Theresa.

[Angela Marie]

Yes my wife is supportive; but she would definitely draw the line on transitioning. My children do not know and would not be supportive. I have to take all of this into account. At this point my internal affirmation of my feminine persona is sufficient. I will say though that I am much more comfortable dressing and even wearing my leggings in male mode.

[Michelle1955]

I started with panties around 5 years old, prior to 5 I knew I wanted to be a girl. Continued as a kid hating my male bits, dreams of being a girl all the time. Yes my mom found my hiding places numerous times, but in the 1960’s it was not talked about.

I had issues throughout my life concerning being female internally, it is in the brain for some.
My wife once asking if I was having fun with my female side,I told her no.
It is who I am, years ago I came to terms with myself as female inside, at 66 still prefer to not have my bits.
I been married to the same woman for 41+ years.

Just female in a male body.

[tifftg]

My wife found out about my crossdressing about 15 years ago. This was after 20 years of marriage. Long story, she hates it, we are DADT and have stayed together for our kids, who do not know. We mostly don't talk about it but evry 6 months or so something blows up and she says "If you want to go be a woman, go do it." I always say I don't want it, but I also at 66 years if the complications of family weren't there I would explore it more and move further down the road.

Life has tradeoff's for us.