Dear Robin,
I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't think anybody has mentioned this to you, but you ought to be aware of something called 'internalized transphobia'. It is a phenomenon whereby people internalize societal attitudes and stigma towards transpeople and mistakenly assuming that stigma as their own and directing it towards themselves.
I am a psychiatrist who is trans and I work with transpeople to get over their issues. Internalized transphobia is quite a common phenomenon with clients I encounter, especially if they are of the boomer generation (younger generations are less transphobic). They don't just worry about 'not passing', they are particularly disgusted by the image and notion of themselves looking like a 'man in a dress'. It is exactly what a transphobe would say except they have internalized it and saying it to themselves.
They are also afraid of 'too much change' or 'changing too fast', which is what a transphobe would say to them when they can't accept someone's transition.
It is rarely about shocking other people (although transphobes will be the ones who are most shocked in general) but shocking yourself. I have an inkling that your reluctance is about not wanting to shock the internalized transphobe within yourself (your little gremlins) by showing up in the front of a mirror one day looking a certain way.
But of course, I may be wrong.
I'll leave you to ponder that.
My patients sometimes ask me about the statistics of detransition. There are some good data here (
https://www.ustranssurvey.org/) if you're interested. Basically, amongst some 30,000 transpeople interviewed in the US in 2015, roughly 8% have de-transitioned at least once. But get this, 62% of the de-transitioners have re-transitioned and living full time as their preferred gender. Very few actually 'regret' their transition due to identity confusion, most de-transition because of peer pressure (and maybe internalised transphobia too).
Don't be too hard on yourself ok? There is always love and acceptance around and within yourself, but you have to first believe that you are deserving of it.
Take care,
S