To Face The Truth...

[Sara Jessica]

"It hurts too much to face the truth..."

Pet Shop Boys, from "Behavior", 1990

Let's see, it has been over a year since I've been pondering this thread. I've had a few start/stops. Here is one of them...

As I dip into these pages for the first time in quite a while, and writing something that is seemingly meaningful in forever, I notice that there are not as many familiar faces around. That's OK. I don't know you and you are not likely to know me. Not that I am famous but I'd like to think that I've had a history as somewhat valuable contributor here and there.

Thing is, the mystery of the essence of my very being has become just that...a mystery. What I have held true in my heart for as long as I can remember has utterly disappeared. But instead of trying to find it through the writing of words (which failed miserably), I thought I'd try a different approach. I'd rather write about the amazing memories of a time gone by. One that is still recalled with fondness and may or may not be rekindled at some point. Whatever happens, it is OK. I could never have fathomed the equilibrium I feel not without transition. If my past gender dysphoria was measured on a scale of 1 to 10, it would have been an 11. Now, it is a -1.

-1...that admittedly blows my mind.

I'm going to try this with a periodic stream of consciousness about memories from the past. Something happened this evening, hearing the song "To Face The Truth" which brought more than one tear to my eyes. Finally the inspiration that leads me to write these words? Well over a year since any meaningful gender expression that is true to my nature. I hear songs that make me think of friends that are in my thoughts daily, yet I have failed them. Kim. Diana. Erica. Sherry. Alice. Honey. And those of you who have moved on before I was ready to let you go. But you were ready to move on. I miss you. Do those of you who I have forsaken during this pandemic miss me? Does it matter? I think it does. I miss you. All of you. I have thought of you all nearly daily. Gosh, I want to come back. Christine, I want you to come back. I allowed the tenth anniversary of your passing to pass but it doesn't mean I miss you any less.

I feel as if I have a story to tell but it is one that doesn't have a conclusion in this world of ours. Let's see where it goes.

is anyone willing to indulge me? Is anyone willing to help me? Can I help any of you?

Let's find out, if anyone is willing to try.

The memory for today.

"Your Song" by Elton John.

March into April of 2014. Diva Las Vegas coincided with a chance to see Elton John at Caesars Palace. Alice. Diana. Kim. Erica met us afterwards. "Your Song" resonates with me to this day every single time I hear the song. I remember my outfit. A 3/4 sleeve mini dress with black tights and knee-high boots. More important was seeing a legend. Most important was the legendary company I enjoyed. I cannot believe it has been so many years.

Do you all remember?

Going back and reading some old emails. My teeth clench, my eyes water, just like those days when my existence was caught in a vice of dysphoria. Now it is a feeling of love and longing to know how my friends are doing.

I will make this right.


EDIT:

I'm reading through some random emails from the past and I came across the following from Christine. Unvarnished and unedited. Take from it what you will. Christine is gone, I just adore remembering. Kind of brings this post full circle. I didn't realize there'd be a PSB reference to make the circle unbroken. From August 4, 2007.

Hi Sara,

Yesterday's meeting was a delight. Music, shopping, fascinating conversation, making a new friend -- in my book of Enjoyable Outings (Esp. After A Long Work Week), it doesn't get better than that. I was happy to meet you, happy to find that you in person are similar to you in print (the mark of a good writer, you put your true personality into your writings, including emails. Not easy. I feel like I have finally just started to do this myself)....You look great, you pass easily and your "at-ease" level is higher than some transitioning/transitioned friends I know. I hope you know this, but in terms of being and presenting as your true self, you are doing wonderfully....

I had to write another sports blog (Elton Brand) when I returned home. Still wired, I decided to write a long-overdue post for Woman In Progress. It's up now, about a nice evening that happened to me last month.....No need to worry about my blogging about yesterday. If and when, I can be vague about the meeting place and use a different name for my new friend. ...I am glad to hear your wife didn't "freak out" about you meeting me (!) Hey. I'm a nice person. I am very safe and sane (usually) company.

While writing last night, I played Disc 4, "Songs." Went thru it three times. Loved pretty much all of it.....From Adam to Eve -- why have I heard nothing about this before? I might have to blog about this song. "Look at me . . . feminine." Amazing. Brix has it down. I coulda done without so much of falsetto guy, but that could be just me....Covers were great--ok, now I know ALL the words to Blitzkrieg Bop . . . Catherine du-ing Husker Du -- now it makes sense.....Throw Your Arms Around Me -- heard it before, loved it again......Aussie pop clinches the disc for me. Put me down as a fan of My Friend The Chocolate Cake, Mutton Birds and Porcupine Tree (dreampop, nu shoegaze).....And "Hockey" is hilarious. Gotta love Jane....

So thanks for it all, especially being patient and flexible enough to make our meeting happen. A very relaxing and memorable day for me. I look forward to our next meeting.

Your new LA friend
(Pet Shop Boys wrote about me in song -- "West End Girl" )

Christine

PS: You can call me Christine, or Christina, or Chrissy, or Chris, or Christy. Just don't call me Mike, and all is good

[Lydianne]

Obviously, I don't know you or your progression history, but generally, one needs to evaluate past decisions with the information and the situation that existed at that time. Re-evaluating from a standpoint that developed after the fact, therefore, in most cases would not be fair.

After a -12 point change in GD, you are probably now in a better position to assess past actions more clearly, however the model needs to respect that the GD at that time was 11.


Also, in the light of the now -1 GD, there was something about this that made me read it twice:

Well over a year since any meaningful gender expression that is true to my nature.

All the best!

- L.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sara Jessica , It is great to see you back again, That was a good read,

Your threads were always fun to follow,
You were 6 months before I got here, >Orchid**OO**

[alwayshave]

Hi Sara, Welcome back. It is amazing how a song can bring back memories.

[kimdl93]

Being one of the semi-oldtimers, I do remember you, Sara. I wasn?t part of the intimate associates, just a fellow traveler. But I followed your experiences and remember with some sadness, when you said the feeling was drifting away. I never felt the dysphoria disappear as you have. A -1!! (My personal denial and repression scale does seem to vary rather wildy).

Isn?t it funny how much of a connection can be achieved through some words appearing on a page, sometimes accompanied by a familiar image. I know many of you, hopefully most of you have very full and satisfying lives and this place is special as a way to associate with people with common interests. But I also am sure that for some of us, a void has been filled.

[Lydianne]

Obviously, I don't know you or your progression history, but

Let me clarify:

I do know who you are. However, I didn't want to give my comment any apparent legitimacy through apparent acquaintance. I do not know you enough to write anything conclusive.


I remember reading a thread you wrote about cutting off your long hair - and you appeared not experience any dysphoric feeling afterwards. And I remember reading a thread from you where you re-evaluated the value of your family life - and you appeared to have a re-emphasised focus upon your family life over seeking more gender solutions.


But readers would rather read more from you than speculations and implications coming from me. After all, you would be more interesting and more accurate.


( But I would love to read more detail about the no "meaningful gender expression that is true to my nature" line ).

- L.

[Michala]

I am another who does not "know you" but "knows of you". Nice to see you back as you are one of many who I always admired both in looks and your wisdom. Welcome back.

[Lana Mae]

Welcome back, Sara Jessica! Thanks for sharing! Hugs Lana Mae

[docrobbysherry]

Hi Sara,
Nice to hear from u. I can assure u, u never let me down in any way. Quite the opposite. U helped me discover the T events in Vegas where I could experiment and find out who Sherry really was. Which all led up to the person or people I am today! I can never thank u enuff for all your caring acceptance.

If u ever need me, I'm here. I still think of those special times with my special T friend and the special gifts she gave me! Cheers!

[EricaCD]

Of all the weird co-incidences. I don't care to remember how long it was since I last checked in here... and by dumb luck I happen on this thread from you less than two days after you wrote it! Tell me there's no weird karma at work there.

Anyway, glad to hear that you are well and in a good place on your gender journey. As Sherry said, forget any notion of "failing" us. Friendship doesn't work like that. (And "forsaken"?!? C'mon...) Our friendship has been anchored in much more than trans-ness for a long feckin' time at this point. The particulars of your gender don't matter to me; only that you are sufficiently happy with the outcome.

And now, back into hiding.

~ Erica

[AngelaYVR]

A lot of the old guard has moved on. It is inevitable that a lot of us feel like we have read it all by now, put forth our opinions ad infinitum and have found we are comfortable without the training wheels any more. And then there are those who left either because time has decreed it or because something inside has withered. For some, their shadows still prowl these halls even without the corporeal presence.
But I always felt that if we can mourn a lost state of mind then we always will have the hunger to bring it back one day, even if we cannot always apply the same rule to friendships.

[Alice Torn]

I remember u well Sara Jessica. Sometimes we had some heated disagreements, but also some good interactions on the forum. I am not on here much anymore either, and have not dressed up for months now. Getting closer to the end of this physical life, and other important issues of merely having a place to live, mental and physical health issues, and the now very uncertain, insane time we are in. I still think of beautiful dresses, hose, heels, skirt suits, etc, but dont have much energy for it anymore. We are the same complex amazing beings capable of great good, no matter what gender of clothing we are wearing. Best to you, take care.

[Sara Jessica]

I've thought of this thread just about daily since writing it. Gosh knows I've been too exhausted with life to get back here to do it justice once again. And who knew what I'd find in returning sometime after 5/22 and before 5/24.

I value all of the posts here. I thought @Lydianne had a rather intimidating curiosity...

But I would love to read more detail about the no "meaningful gender expression that is true to my nature" line.

It is only intimidating because it reinforces my current truth. There is utterly no expression. Mercifully in a pandemic world of 15+ months of working from home, I'm not pining for anything. No outings into the real world. No stewing desire to have alone time at home. Nothing.

But let me make something crystal clear. The essence of my being remains intact despite my dysphoria being in the negative range. It isn't like a switch flipped off and I became something different than I was. it's just that the expression part of my equation is no longer mandatory of late.

Mercy has a strange way of working.

Hi Sara,
Nice to hear from u. I can assure u, u never let me down in any way. Quite the opposite. U helped me discover the T events in Vegas where I could experiment and find out who Sherry really was. Which all led up to the person or people I am today! I can never thank u enuff for all your caring acceptance.

If u ever need me, I'm here. I still think of those special times with my special T friend and the special gifts she gave me! Cheers!

Sherry, all I can say is that it is only a matter of time that you get a random text message from me suggesting we go out for a coffee or beer (depending on the time of day, or not!). I miss everything about you and love our amazing memories.

Of all the weird co-incidences. I don't care to remember how long it was since I last checked in here... and by dumb luck I happen on this thread from you less than two days after you wrote it! Tell me there's no weird karma at work there.

Anyway, glad to hear that you are well and in a good place on your gender journey. As Sherry said, forget any notion of "failing" us. Friendship doesn't work like that. (And "forsaken"?!? C'mon...) Our friendship has been anchored in much more than trans-ness for a long feckin' time at this point. The particulars of your gender don't matter to me; only that you are sufficiently happy with the outcome.

And now, back into hiding.

~ Erica

No, it wasn't coincidence. If there is such thing as a cosmic connection, we have it. Version History and a leap of faith brought us together. Friendship transcends (you made that clear during one of our early outings) and endures. Although it isn't as easy to reconnect as it might be with Sherry, we will do so sooner than later.

Memory for today...

I hope Erica doesn't mind if I share this from a long time ago in a galaxy far far away. May 2009 to be precise.

After several days of vacationing in Vegas last Thursday-Sunday, you'd think I have had enough of girl mode for the time being. But when opportunity presents itself, sometimes it has to be seized. And with my dear friend Erica making another visit from the east coast, I couldn't resist the chance to share with her my DLV adventures in the first person.

So we met on Monday at Del Amo, a mall which is convenient for both of us. Erica wanted to pick something up at Ann Taylor but more importantly, some great dining options are at the opposite end of this maze of a mall from where we met up. Erica suggested we return to PF Changs where we dined the last time we got together in this area. See the following for a refresher...

(sorry, link no longer works)

I replied that I should have looked into my email history to find the names of the server and manager who treated us so nice. Oh well I thought, but as we walked into the restaurant, we were greeted with instant (and enthusiastic) recognition from the manager and hostess!!! Our waitress wasn't working that night but we were served by a very nice young man who treated us wonderfully as well. So the manager stopped by a few times during our time there and even spent some quality time, once to look at my Vegas pictures and then she proceeded to have a several minute conversation with Erica in Spanish.

All in all a wonderful evening. It was great to catch up once again with Erica as I had to apologize for totally monopolizing the conversation with talk of my trip, something she was all good with! I have to say I'm looking forward to her next visit when hopefully we can return to this wonderful establishment where we are treated like absolute royalty...the only surprise this time was of the pleasant variety in being remembered so fondly after about six months!!!

Here's a picture of Erica and I in the restaurant...

IMG_0183smaller2.jpg

Back to 2021...It is important to note that Del Amo isn't really any less of a maze after all these years.

[Leslie Mary S]

From one part-timer to another part-timer; Welcome Back.

[Lydianne]

Mercy has a strange way of working.

Thank you for responding.

As it happens, you have answered the exact query I had. I could have been more precise with the question, but I wanted you write freely wherever you wanted to go rather than answering within the framework of a specific question.

In view of the disappearance of everything you had held true and then mentioning the "[truth] of your nature", I was wondering how/whether that truth actually still endured, as you appeared to indicate. I was asking with the hope of working myself towards what you have rather than me trying to split hairs.


But yeah, I can personally verify that the whole thing works strangely.


Many thanks, all the best, and keep healthy!

- L.

[Sara Jessica]

Has it been A MONTH???

Seriously, my time has been redefined. Not in a bad way. And to be certain, I'm not writing here to find something that has been mysteriously misplaced. I truly care. But that isn't reflected in the frequency of my appearances and for that I apologize.

So what does the truth of my being mean?

It is really quite simple, and complicated at the same time.

Circumstances of my life, predating the pandemic, have placed me in "hunter & gatherer" mode. My focus is on my family and little else with emphasis on a new career path I embarked upon over four years ago. It seems utterly foreign to be able to put the essence of my being into a box and set aside, yet still acknowledge the existence of the essence of my being that remains at the core of my soul...if that makes any sense. But I might put forth this theory. My dear friend Christine took drastic steps towards her truth only to put herself into a box in her early 50s which ultimately led to her death. I could have followed a similar path but something held me back. I am pained to say that I have outlived her years but our similarities...and differences are not lost upon me.

What is it that intensifies the female at our core, manifesting into a continuum of despair to transition to despair, only to evaporate as influenced by circumstance or otherwise? Have I always wanted to follow her path? Am I living her path? No, and yes...and no. There is an impossibility in contradiction in play yet I am doing my best to reject it even despite the relevance.

Please...research the story. I have dropped clues. It is beautiful, ugly and tragic at the same time. But the story can tell us a lot about ourselves as individuals as to where we fit on this crazy gender continuum which I have long subscribed to. I still think that my personal beauty (for what that is worth) may emerge someday again even though I see nothing remotely close to the beautiful memories of friendships and events in the past. I'm slowly getting a sense of where this might go and yes, this exercise is helping me emotionally. Yet I cannot make any promises as to where it may lead.

I will try and be a more consistent correspondent.

I'm not writing here to find something that has been mysteriously misplaced.

Or am I?

[kimdl93]

Good to hear from you again, Sarah.

It occurs to me than many, perhaps most people ponder their lives, revisiting, possibly with regret, the choices they have made and look forward uncertain about how the future
maybe shaped by the next choices they may make.

I have recently been listening to another Sarah (McLachlan), mostly because I find her enchanting, but also because she’s really smart. I?’m paraphrasing, but in essence, shhe observed in one fairly recent interview that the past doesn’t exist, nor does the future. That all we have is now. So make the most of it. Of course that observation isn’t original to Sarah McLachlan, but its still a good way to live.

I suspect I devote too much energy looking forward, planning, imagining and perhaps wishing for the future, and too little towards living meaningfully in the present.

[Sara Jessica]

Enchanting is a perfect way to describe Sarah McLachlan. I love her dearly as an artist. But I cannot subscribe to her past/future/present theory.

I'm looking back for a number of reasons. Longing...to remember/relive some amazing experiences.

I look to the future through a gendered lens to try and understand where that intensity went...and whether it might return.

The present is viewed with a remarkable lack of encumbrances for which I am both grateful and cursed.

One thought from earlier today, socialization.

I have watched my girls grow into remarkable young women. Their socialization as the females they are is a constant reminder of something I can NEVER have. Whether beauty, awkwardness, (natural) grace, how they interact with friends, whatever...it has always felt like trickery that I could ever approach a similar level of femininity. Even when at my best I thought I was close but it could never compare. So what's the use?

Rest assured, I am only speaking for myself. The pain of longing is replaced by a remarkable sense of joy that only goes further to bury who I am.

This reminds me that I might be getting close to a purge of sorts. Wardrobe was always contemplated in the context of purpose. The next outing. The next Vegas trip. This all remains closeted behind lock and key with no use in sight including several outfits planned for the next perfect DLV. Heck, in the last 18 months, I'm not sure I've turned that key more than a handful of times. I should hold a sale, it'd be pretty great.

[Nikki.]

I have watched my girls grow into remarkable young women. Their socialization as the females they are is a constant reminder of something I can NEVER have. Whether beauty, awkwardness, (natural) grace, how they interact with friends, whatever...it has always felt like trickery that I could ever approach a similar level of femininity. Even when at my best I thought I was close but it could never compare. So what's the use?

I don?t recall what your gender identity is, and as you put it, you believe it to be a spectrum. But unless you identify as a woman, maybe you can?t achieve or have those things because you?re not supposed to. Maybe your gender identity is transgender feminine person and you had the socialization trans feminine people experience given the culture context in which you were raised.

Perhaps being raised and socialized as your daughters were would have been the wrong socialization for you, because you and they are different. Not that it was good?you and i are around the same age and the 70?s-90?s weren?t kind to trans peeps. But i?m pretty sure your experience growing up snd coming of age, and the lens through which you saw the world was different than a cis male or female. At least mine was. That?s neither good nor bad, it just is.

Many cultures recognize transfemme people as unique from cis men and women, and celebrate them/us/me for what we are. Just not ours

The three most liberating things i?ve done in my life are accepting the above, coming out of the closet and getting ffs. in no particular order. I don?t perseverate any longer on if i?m going to get outed, or how my mannerisms, speech patterns and whatever else vary from my cis female friends. If they do, so what? I?m not trying to perform to some standard that varies by cultural and situational context anyway.

anyhoo, ymmv; peace on your journey!

[Sara Jessica]

Very thoughtful response Nikki. As for my gender identity, don't ask me such difficult questions!!! Someday I'll go down that rabbit hole as to where I am now but for reference, I was painfully agonizingly gratefully 100% female in terms of my identity. Any self-reference to "man" or "male" was utterly painful. I guess that makes where I am now so bizarre. But it also gives me a frame of reference as to what a dear friend had gone through.

Going back to socialization, I've always been acutely aware of what I missed out on by not being socialized female. I was meant to have that. It was my destiny from such an early age. Time then passed and things kind of went the way one nature intended at the expense of the other. I might have accepted this fate but it was witnessing it first-hand that made me sad. Not sad for what I was observing but for what I could never ever experience first hand. I want the one I can't have and it's driving me mad.

This wasn't really where I was planning on going this evening but I'll save my other thoughts for another day. But this makes me think, I had my own version of socialization which was really special. Something I cherish to this day each and every time I think of that time in my life. Perhaps there is something positive to come of this.

[Nikki.]

All those people, all those lives, where are they now? With loves and hates and passions just like mine
They were born, and then they lived, and then they died.

[Sara Jessica]

And you claim these words as your own
But I've read well, and I've heard them said
A hundred times (maybe less, maybe more)
If you must write prose/poems
The words you use should be your own
Don't plagiarise or take "on loan"

...but don't we all, gosh knows I do! Well played!!!

I'm not sure where I want to take this tonight. I have thoughts on aging, pandemic fashion (a crossdresser's bane I might add), peace, detransition/discord (lots of these thoughts swirling about), friendship, change, even listening to John Mellencamp around the Fourth of July!

I'm going to see Morrissey for the first time next year. Let's see if he shows up!

[Nikki.]

if you can find video of larry king interviewing morrissey, it’s epically weird and worth watching. a little jelly of
you going to see him

[Leslie Mary S]

I have written some Prose before
I thought It was keenly written
but after I shut the door
on a subject that I was smitten

I later on found out
That what i had lovely written
all about
had been and I was smitten.

So do not feel bad
or blue
to learn your prose has
often been written.
Just don't blatantly fess that the words you have written are yours truly.

[Sara Jessica]

I'm going to try and focus. On what? I'm not certain.

Alone time has been fleeting in a pandemic world. Even more so as the kids get older and their comings and goings are much less predictable. There was a time where a free couple of hours would have been seized to "express myself". OK, let's be real. Play dress-up.

I had that opportunity earlier this week. Couldn't be bothered in the least bit.

What is the strangest about everything I am experiencing right now is that my brain has a fond recollection of each and every experience within a female experience. Although the female perspective remains, the experience part has taken a back seat to...life. My perspective is the same but I am no longer chained to a longing for more.

Many here might find what I am describing to be a horrifying nightmare. Trust me, a few years ago I'd have said that very thing. instead, I feel strangely blessed. I am not repulsed by who I am. I'm simply no longer wrapped up in trying to express myself in that way.

I want it now, I want it now
Not the promises of what tomorrow brings
I need to live in dreams today
I'm tired of the song that sorrow sings

And I want more than I can get
Just trying to, trying to, trying to forget

Nothing ever lasts forever
Nothing ever lasts forever