When you told your wife (looking for insight)

[Julie York]

Julie, I'm sorry you feel this way but for those of us who have never even had a trace of this in our lives, it is all a little confusing and mind boggling..

Yes, sorry, didn't mean to give you a broadside. I congratulate you on being open minded enough to try and learn about the subject.

But the question of "Why didn't he tell me"...answers itself when you start to understand more. It becomes really very obvious and the sad thing is that a lot of people don't tell BECAUSE they love their wives and are frightened of loosing them. Yet the first accusation from wives, after being gay, is that they are deceitful liars.

If you had a secret that could destroy your marriage, career, friendships, family....would you tell anyone?

[EmmaB GG]

Hi there Glamourgirl GG

I'm with an occasional CD who has great difficulty dealing with it at the moment and, like you, I'm trying very hard to understand so that I can be supportive. But I would like to put the question, can I as a GG really ever understand what drives someone wanting to CD? Many of us try very hard, and go through extreme emotions and huge lows doing so, and often end up not too far from where we started. And often we lose some of our confidence - some days a lot, some days a bit - but the one thing that we all have to do is work out a personal coping strategy (for want of a better word) to help us. It could be a new hobby that gives you time for yourself or simply asking the partner to tell you a little more often that he loves you. After all, if I am supporting my partner through a bad time, who's supporting me - it can be a lonely place for us too, you know!

[Deborah_UK]

Hi there Glamourgirl GG

After all, if I am supporting my partner through a bad time, who's supporting me - it can be a lonely place for us too, you know!

Emma - rack up enough posts and you'll have a whole host of GGs to support you in the GG room on this board.

Congratulations on supporting your partner as well - I often wonder who my partner can turn to in order to vent - she has been supportive since Day 1 (well date 3 actually!), I have had the support of counsellors, the Stonebridge Gender Clinic and her - she's had no-one. She doesn't use the internet so I can't point her in this direction.

[EmmaB GG]

My reasons for wanting to support are simple - that I love him, but need to understand (and learn to live with) her! This is the first time I've even been in a chat room, and have great expectations!!

Being with a sometimes reluctant CDr can be hard and just finding that there are other people to talk has helped me big time already, even 24 hours in. After reading the stats about just what % of the male population possibly CD, I have started to wonder - are some of my female friends going through the same?

I just ask that CDrs recognise that some GG's way of dealing with it is to close down, and maybe compromise has to worked very hard at by both parties -simple things such as really spoiling your SO after a particularly difficult patch might help ease the pain after all the support you've been happy to take (and it can be pain, I assure you!). Just as we'll never understand you fully, maybe you'll never understand us ....

[JulieC]

Emma,

Thank you, a thousand times thank you, for offering support to your partner!

-BB

[EmmaB GG]

BB

Just as long as you are prepared to give as much support back - it's really needed, I assure you!

Emx

[JulieC]

Emma,

I try like the dickens. My wife frequently says "our marriage has been the best years of my life" and to other people she says "he came already trained!". Nobody is perfect, least of all me, but I try hard knowing full well (having experienced it, though not in marriage) of how terrible it is having a partner that does not support you. Sure, sometimes I wish she were even more supportive than she is, but that it like asking for champagne when I am desperate for water.

Restating something I've said elsewhere multiple times; Emma, you are a treasure if for no other reason than you are making the effort to be supportive. Your partner didn't choose to be this way. I've been at this for a long time, and have known not a single CDer who successfully repressed the desire to crossdress. I.e., it's something integral to us and something we could no sooner stop doing than cut our hands off. We were born with this. It is who and what we are. For you to be willing to try to be supportive shows a huge amount of courage and willingness to accept your partner for everything he is, imperfections and all. You are a treasure!

-BB

[tallyman]

I have not told my wife but please understand your husband can not help howc he feels and morec than likley sarted young as I did at about 11 to 12 years old He is not gay but just like to feel of womens cloths let him enjoyb that and help him in that your marrage will be stronger and full of love


yours Michala

[Glamourgirl GG]

Hey Emma I am new on here too, although my husband told me 3 years ago, I only really became accepting of it about 3-4 weeks ago. While I continue to say some things scare me, if that is even the right word I am looking for...I can't even begin to tell you the positive changes it has made in our marriage. Honestly. It sounds like common sense that your husband would be your best friend, but to me, mine never was until the last few weeks and honestly, I wouldn't give any of that up because it has made me fall more in love with him than ever before.

Deborah, I know what you mean. I felt I had no one to talk to either until my husband found this board and encouraged me to join. When there are some things that you absolutely cannot share with someone else, your world can become a lonely and isolated place. Are there support groups maybe that you both can get involved in?

[Michellebej]

Emma,

I tell all the women in my life, before we move in and after things have gone past the casual dating stage about "Michelle".

Mostly, because I want someone that will love me. And; not just a part of me.
And; doesn't everyone deserve to be loved for who they are, and; not just because of who people think they are?

I think you are doing just fine, and wish you and your SO the best of everything.

love

Michelle

[Stephanie Scott]

BB -- Loved your post re: Christianity. I have become firmly convinced that CDing is one of those things that is morally neutral in and of itself -- kinda like playing golf. It is what we do with it that gives it moral content. For example, if I engage in godly conversations or witness to my golfing partner while on the course, all the while recognizing the beauty of God's creation (golf courses are often beautiful places), then golf is a morally positive activity. On the other hand, if I neglect my wife and family and curse at my bad shots while playing golf, it becomes morally negative. Thus golf itself isn't the problem.

Similarly, CDing can be used in a positive way (increasing understanding of your wife, your faith, your family) or a negative way (spending money you don't have for clothes, using it as a sexual release outside the confines of your marriage, neglecting your duties and responsibilities in your role as husband and father, etc). It is what we do, therefore, with our interests and desires that matters. The interests and desires themselves are not always the problem.

That being said, we still do have to be careful not to hide behind the "only God can judge" mantra. While it is true that only God can judge our hearts and the natue of our salvation, we are still called upon sometimes to judge people's actions (NOT the people themselves). Freedom in Christ does not equal license to do as we please. So we do need to be careful about that.

It was heartening to read Glamourgirl's account of the improvement in her marriage as a result of the increased communication, understanding and closeness with her husband that this issue has created. Since God sanctions our marriages, He wants them to be strong and he wants us to be a unit working together with Him in the center. If CDing helps bring this about, then under those circumstances, it should be viewed as morally positive.

I think your analysis about OT Scripture on crossdressing is very good; I would add however, that there is an element of the truth of that Scripture that we CDers need to be mindful of. Part of the applicability of that passage is still relevant to us today, even if the proscription against crossdressing (in whatever cultural circumstances it was originally penned for) no longer applies to Christians who have freedom in Christ ('Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial'). We must remember that those of us who are husbands and fathers have a divinely ordained role to protect and provide for our wives in a masculine way -- God created differences in the sexes for a reason -- and we should never abandon those responsibilities in favor of following feminine desires. (For example, if your wife is good enough to be seen with you in public while you are dressed, you still need to be her physical protector and defender, even if you are feeling feminine yourself to the point that you wish someone else would rescue YOU!! :-)).

[Satrana]

Glamourgirl

It is wonderful to hear that you have turned the corner and realized that shutting out is not dealing with the issue and only harms the marriage. The only way to deal with this is to open up your heart and deal with the issue head on and open up an exchange of thoughts, emotions and empathy for each other.

Intellectually you know that there is nothing essentially wrong with a man expressing his feminine side or wearing feminine clothing. However emotionally you are struggling to dispose of the socially unacceptable viewpoint that you have believed in all your life. Good for you to be brave enough to take that leap of faith and leave behind intolerance and accept your husband for all that he is.

The more you understand, the more you can place yourself in his shoes and realize how much he loves you and needs your support and vice versa.

[Lindsay]

For the non-GG's who are married:
Did you tell your wife prior to getting married about your CD'ing or after? If after, how long after? If you did, what prompted you to tell her?

Hi Glamourgirl.

I told my wife on our third date (we've been married nearly four years now), although at the time my urge to CD had (temporarily) gone away. Part of me wondered whether I'd been "cured" of CDing, but I decided to tell her anyway. It was the scariest conversation I've ever had, but she was fine with it - she wasn't freaked and wasn't particularly keen either, and she asked me to promise that if the urge to CD came back I'd (a) tell her and (b) get my own stuff.

I'm very glad I told her, but at the time the voices in my head were saying that I shouldn't. You're not CDing any more! they said. So why run the risk of losing the most perfect person you've ever met? And hey, if you do start CDing again, you can keep it secret! She doesn't need to know!

Certainly in my case I think honesty was the best policy, but I can totally understand why other CDs don't tell. It's not that they're deliberately trying to hide their true selves or anything like that; it's that they're scared of losing Miss Right.

[Megan72]

While i had been dressing for many years before I met my So, I did not tell her about it. The urges had subsided for a time. She stumbled upon it while we were well, that is a story for another type of forum. We have progressively become more comfortable withe the idea and explore the possibilities often but always together.

[boygirl]

hello hun.
This is chrissy, from vermont. I am glad to see you are doing well. Hugs and kisses for a good 2007.
Chrissy

[bikini02]

Hi,

I never told my wife prior to getting married, however one holloween I did dress as a girl.

After being married she found me dressed, but did not say much. Later in the marriage I became more in need of dressing, not that my wife didn't fullfil my needs. It was more like I just felt releive when dressed. I tried to explain it to my wife she listen but I don't think she really understood. I think that she thought that she was not doing something.

Well she knows and we have been married for 25 years with four children. Sometimes I think that she secretly resent my dressing. She hates it when I shave my body hair.

[Margot]

If your hubby is anything like many others he probably decided that after meeting the girl he wanted to marry that he would give up cding. However; as many of us know, it does not go away. I told my second wife before we were married so that she had a choice on whether she wanted to drop the relationship. However; she did know that it doesn't just go away and is accepting of my crossdressing. We have been married now for 21 yrs.
I'm one of the licky ones. It sounds like your hubby is lucky too.

Margot

[JulieC]

We have been married now for 21 yrs.
I'm one of the licky ones.

(emphasis mine in the above quote)

Margot,

Ah, so THAT's the secret of a successful marriage!

Sorry, couldn't resist

-BB

[Glamourgirl GG]

Licky ones. I guess I am that too. haha!

bikini02--I prefer that he shaves his body hair. I can actually see his body much better and he just looks plain hot. I'll be sad once summer comes and he let's his leg hair grow back to avoid people asking questions.

I have to say that I am beginning to feel more comfortable with things because things I have always wanted from the beginning with my husband are happening all because of his dressing. This is the closest I have ever felt to him and even though I know in my heart I was too immature to hear about his Cd'ing 10 years ago, I just wished I could've had this "new" relationship from the beginning. I'm also a little nervous that this is just a phase (the open communication, walls being down, etc) and that when the "pink fog" lifts we'll be back to square one.

But for now...It sounds so weird to say this, but CD'ing saved my marriage.

[paola w]

I told my wife fairly early on,before having any children.She didn't
want to know,we never talked about it.I cross dressed secretly
untill our relation died & failed.
love paola.