Explain to me one thing please?

[Lawren]

In my case, Kerry is very supportive and I do not ask for anything more. There are some things she will not let me do but mostly they coincide perfectly with things I do not want to do anyway. (We have very similar tastes in apparel.) In her own words, "There are many things worse than crossdressing that a man can do" She truly is a sweetheart about it all and I cannot ask for anything beyond than that.

[Country girl]

In my case, Kerry is very supportive and I do not ask for anything more. There are some things she will not let me do but mostly they coincide perfectly with things I do not want to do anyway. (We have very similar tastes in apparel.) In her own words, "There are many things worse than crossdressing that a man can do" She truly is a sweetheart about it all and I cannot ask for anything beyond than that.

Lawren, your Kerry is a very smart woman. There are so many worse things than crossdressing that a man could do. If everyone of the CDer's who feel ashamed about what they do could understand that, and if everyone else who has problems with someone who CD's just because they CD could understand it, then it would be so much more readily acceptable.

I liken this to a true story that happened to me when my son was 15. [he is now 25], anyway he wanted to get his ears pierced and I was brought up in a very strict household where boys, or men if you will, did NOT get their ears pierced, and back then it certainly wasn't as accepted for both ears as it was to just do one. Well I called my sister, the voice of reason, and expected her to give my son a stern lecture on why he shouldn't get his ears pierced. I had already told him not while he lived in my house! Anyway, I was the one who got the lecture. In no uncertain terms, my sister pointed out to me what a wonderful man my son was growing into, he didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, get in trouble in or out of school, was very respectful of others, peers and adults alike and was a great help to me, a single mom. In very short order she stated, "Think about all the other things he could want to do or be doing!" needless to say, I learned a very valuable lesson that day, and my son got his ears pierced.

Sometimes in life we are far to hasty to judge others, or ourselves based on societies notion of what is and isn't acceptable. I'm glad that my eyes were opened that day by my sister and that I can see the true worth of a person by who he/she is on the inside, not by judging the outside.

[Glamourgirl GG]

OKay, let me start by saying, due to some confusion, I am not, I repeat not, refering to anyone specific in this thread. These are just thoughts that I have been pondering and wanted other people's viewpoints on them. So that being said, here's the question.

I hope I don't upset anyone by asking this but, I read and reread in different threads how those of you who have an accepting SO/spouse/GF feel so fortunate to have someone who is accepting, yet at the same time I read how those of you who don't, would give anything to have one who did [accept]. So, tell me then, if you can, WHY are there CDer's out there who DO have a totally accepting SO yet it just isn't enough ? They shop for you and with you, want to go out with you while you are en femme, do all the things that you want to do as a CDer and still it just isn't enough? How hard can it be to realize how lucky you are to have a totally accepting SO ? Is it really asking to much to expect you to ask how our day is going? How about show an interest in what we like to wear, or are wearing with out it being from the standpoint of ohhh, I wish I had something like that? Are there other things in life to talk about besides every aspect of CDing? Is this the only part of life that matters? Do I sound a wee bit frustrated? Well I would really like some answers from the CDer's if anyone can help me. Thanks.
Country Girl gg

Wow. You just said everything that has been on my mind. It would be nice if I could actually buy something/look at something for myself without feeling guilty that he wants it. I hate that nothing is ever looked at online for me. It's all about him. Or still seeing him being sneaky when there is absolutely no reason to. If you are going into the bathroom to put on makeup, just say it, don't try to hide it. Or hide that you want to wear something today, etc etc etc. What bothers me the most is when an agreement is made and then broken. Grr.

[Country girl]

Wow. You just said everything that has been on my mind. It would be nice if I could actually buy something/look at something for myself without feeling guilty that he wants it. I hate that nothing is ever looked at online for me. It's all about him. Or still seeing him being sneaky when there is absolutely no reason to. If you are going into the bathroom to put on makeup, just say it, don't try to hide it. Or hide that you want to wear something today, etc etc etc. What bothers me the most is when an agreement is made and then broken. Grr.

Hey Glamourgirl, I know what you mean. I think, at some point in our lives, we have all felt like no one cared about "us". It is even harder to deal with when that person is your spouse/SO/BF/GF. Perhaps because we expect them to care about us as much if not more than they do themselves. I think one of the points of this thread was to get everyone to think about how it feels when you feel as if no one is thinking about you. As partners of someone who Cd's it is that much harder because as you said, we feel frustrated everytime something is ordered for them with no regards as to whether or not we might like or want something as well. Also as you pointed out anytime we buy a new pair of panties, or a new skirt or whatever item of femme clothing we purchase we have the hidden anxiety of wondering if they are going to want it.
This relationship is definately like being on a rollercoaster ride.

Hopefully after reading this thread, people will think about how their partners feel, and try to incorporate in the daily course of their lives, asking, helping, doing more to make them feel appreciated.
Thanks for your input into this thread. CG gg

[MsEva]

well one answer is that we are not all one demensional people---If crossdressing was the only thing we were concerned about then we would be in 7th heaven if a spouse TRUELY accepted it, to the point where she not only would have sex with us while we were dressed but would actually enjoy it. However such a person is truely rare and even when one does come along there are many more things that make for compatilbilty and longivity in a relationship. While cding can be a dealbreaker(one way or the other) for many couples, every T-Girl on this web is more than just a crossdresser--we are functioning human beings who have jobs, hobbies(other than cding), families and all the other baggage that goes with leading a life--although it is important to have a spouse who likes our cding and we should try to cultivate that relationship, the truth of the matter is that there are many other issues in most of our relationhips besides dressing. We shouldn't forget to work on those. Unfortunatly many of us do and with 1/2 of all marraiges ending in divorce, it doesn't suprise me that many of ours do also, regardless of our spouse's acceptance or nonacceptance of our dressing.

Very very well stated Ms Janessa! So wise! I agree!

[MsEva]

Lawren, your Kerry is a very smart woman. There are so many worse things than crossdressing that a man could do. If everyone of the CDer's who feel ashamed about what they do could understand that, and if everyone else who has problems with someone who CD's just because they CD could understand it, then it would be so much more readily acceptable.

I liken this to a true story that happened to me when my son was 15. [he is now 25], anyway he wanted to get his ears pierced and I was brought up in a very strict household where boys, or men if you will, did NOT get their ears pierced, and back then it certainly wasn't as accepted for both ears as it was to just do one. Well I called my sister, the voice of reason, and expected her to give my son a stern lecture on why he shouldn't get his ears pierced. I had already told him not while he lived in my house! Anyway, I was the one who got the lecture. In no uncertain terms, my sister pointed out to me what a wonderful man my son was growing into, he didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, get in trouble in or out of school, was very respectful of others, peers and adults alike and was a great help to me, a single mom. In very short order she stated, "Think about all the other things he could want to do or be doing!" needless to say, I learned a very valuable lesson that day, and my son got his ears pierced.

Sometimes in life we are far to hasty to judge others, or ourselves based on societies notion of what is and isn't acceptable. I'm glad that my eyes were opened that day by my sister and that I can see the true worth of a person by who he/she is on the inside, not by judging the outside.

Your sister was a very wise woman. Thanks for sharing.

[Glenda58]

I think most of us are self center on CDing that we lose sight of the person we fell in love with. We forget they have needs and wants to. We should be there for our SOs but we get caught up in being the woman we forget about the real woman in our lives that she loves us and will do anything for us. And do we give her in return we ask for more CDing not what we can do for her to make her happy as will. This is not true to all of us . That's one reason I haven't dressed lately I need to look at my new GF and what I want with her.

[mary sue]

Karen made a good statement in her last paragraph all of us need to read it and think of the ways we can be more of a partner to our wives and so's, my wife and I are best friends and are suppotive of each other.We LOVE each other and that is all that makes us happy and complete.

[Billie Jean]

Because we are still men who see everything in black and white not in color like the ladies. We're not really insensitive, just not as in touch as are you ladies. Billie Jean

[Kelsy]

I hope I don't upset anyone by asking this but, How hard can it be to realize how lucky you are to have a totally accepting SO ? Country Girl gg

The girl has a point!!!

Jennifer

[Andrea_girl]

When my So gentle wakes me in the morning we snuggle up together in our satin nighties and I tell her every morning without fail that I love her.

I adore her, not just because she is accepting but because shes HER.

[Amy Hepker]

Look at it this way I feel Female SO, I want it all and U want it NOW!!! I have to admit I am one of the ones who is never satisified. I guess it's just the way I am. I don't want to miss out on anything and I want to do as much as I can. I figure I have already outlived my father (he was 49 when he died) and I am almost 51, so I want to get as much enjoyment I can as soon as I can. And I really enjoy dressing up in Female clothing. I don't do it for spite or to use against my SO, I do it because I enjoy it!!!

[Country girl]

Look at it this way I feel Female SO, I want it all and U want it NOW!!! I have to admit I am one of the ones who is never satisified. I guess it's just the way I am. I don't want to miss out on anything and I want to do as much as I can. I figure I have already outlived my father (he was 49 when he died) and I am almost 51, so I want to get as much enjoyment I can as soon as I can. And I really enjoy dressing up in Female clothing. I don't do it for spite or to use against my SO, I do it because I enjoy it!!!

Amy, nothing wrong with dressing, the point is not whether you dress, but whether you let it be all consuming. Do you still let your SO know how important she is to you on a daily basis? Do you ask about her day? Do you tell her you love her? The point is to not be self centered and have it be all about me, me, me.

[Country girl]

The girl has a point!!!

Jennifer

Thank you Honey!:D

CG gg

[Tee]

I totally agree with Jayne. underneath is still a man. we have listening problems. change the topic to sports or others, the behaviour could hardly be different. to manage that would be to talk to your SO and highlight that there are many moments when all you need is a listening ear.

my SO found me much more responsive and lovely after i read Man are from Mars and women from Venus by John Gray, and practised the ideas in there.

is CD an issue though? i think so too, because we can get insecure and just want to be involved all the time.

[Country girl]

I totally agree with Jayne. underneath is still a man. we have listening problems. change the topic to sports or others, the behaviour could hardly be different. to manage that would be to talk to your SO and highlight that there are many moments when all you need is a listening ear.

my SO found me much more responsive and lovely after i read Man are from Mars and women from Venus by John Gray, and practised the ideas in there.

is CD an issue though? i think so too, because we can get insecure and just want to be involved all the time.

Tee, please don't take this the wrong way, but to say underneath it all is still just a man is a little oversimplifying things don't you think? Most CDer's from my experience are way more sensitive than the average joe. I mean it would be like your, or anyone's SO for that matter, to never ask how you feel, how's your day going, tell you she loves you, or any other form of interaction because she was just to busy planning what to wear for the day, what color panties and matching bra, just the right blouse, the perfect skirt with the perfect heels. A liitle bit self absorbing and a wee bit over the top don't you think ? Just how hard is it to take 10 and ask how their day was, or let them know you've been thinking about them and love and care for them. I truly believe that for the most part, we really don't expect that much, but a little common courtesy is NOT to much to ask. How much time do we take in an average day to spend on mundane crap? I'm sure it's a lot more than just 10, 20, 30 minutes or even an hour. There are 24 hours in a day, how hard can it be to find just one of those hours to sit down with your SO and genuinely have a meaningful conversation. ONCE AGAIN, let me iterate this is not meant for anyone in particular. It was simply a question that was posed to get people to think about there daily interactions with the people who are most important to you. Thanks for your viewpoint. I believe it helps tp open some doors that had previously been closed. CG gg

[Melanie R]

Unfortunately many crossdressers with supportive wives are like kids in a candy store. They are insatiable and have to have more. They push the boundaries beyond the wives endurance. I know since I have been there and done that but finally came to my senses. Sometimes when my wife asks if I want to be Melanie for an extended time period 24/7 I tell her that she has needs also. In 2 weeks we are going on a 7 day cruise. My wife expected that I would be Melanie on the cruise 24/7 since I have dressed 24/7 on many prior cruises and can dress when I desire at home anytime. I told her that this cruise was just for her with Melanie remaining at home. She enjoys slow dancing with Mel as I do also. This is no big sacrifice for the woman who has given so much to me and so many others.

[EmmaB GG]

One thing that I've seen from my own parents and my friends marriages is that to make any relationship work there has to be compromise by both parties.

So when one partner has a strong compulsion to do anything that is excluding the SO to a great degree (and this could be watching football, out drinking with mates etc i.e. not necessarily CDing), are they able (not just willing, that's different) to compromise as much as the other person?

Surely in this situation that person gets more from their SO than they give? Just a thought ....

I think that we need to realise a GG can never really "participate" in the compulsion to CD as much as she might be able to in another (e.g. golf) as her head will never experience anything near the reality of it.

[Country girl]

One thing that I've seen from my own parents and my friends marriages is that to make any relationship work there has to be compromise by both parties.

So when one partner has a strong compulsion to do anything that is excluding the SO to a great degree (and this could be watching football, out drinking with mates etc i.e. not necessarily CDing), are they able (not just willing, that's different) to compromise as much as the other person?

Surely in this situation that person gets more from their SO than they give? Just a thought ....

I think that we need to realise a GG can never really "participate" in the compulsion to CD as much as she might be able to in another (e.g. golf) as her head will never experience anything near the reality of it.

Excellent thought. and exactly one of the things I have been trying to get across. GG's for the most part, cannot participate to the level that a CDer does, simply because most of us aren't CDer's. So there has to be time in the day to share other things and or just have an hour of meaningful conversation that isn't about the CDing. Thanks for your input Emma gg. It would be nice to see how some of the other GG's on the site feel about this whole issue!
CG gg

[Wendy me]

Country Girl OK i am a little late on this but here's my input .. my wife and I have been married for 25+ years ... she is the love of my life .. she knows abought my dressing and is not supportive ... every step forward seams to be met with one back ... it's frustrating for me .... every time i think we are ready to step it up something happens to put a stop to it...

i would just love to have her acpteing... i could just say this is the way it is and just dress in frought of her and tell deal with it . i don't and i would not ever do that ... why ?? because it's not abought me and it's not abought just us ... it's abought respect ,understanding and love ... she did not know before we got marred and had a family ... would she have had she known?? who knows for sure ... her comfort and her feeling will always be for most in our marriage .... in time possibly we might get a better understanding of this other side of me ...

[Country girl]

Country Girl OK i am a little late on this but here's my input .. my wife and I have been married for 25+ years ... she is the love of my life .. she knows abought my dressing and is not supportive ... every step forward seams to be met with one back ... it's frustrating for me .... every time i think we are ready to step it up something happens to put a stop to it...

i would just love to have her acpteing... i could just say this is the way it is and just dress in frought of her and tell deal with it . i don't and i would not ever do that ... why ?? because it's not abought me and it's not abought just us ... it's abought respect ,understanding and love ... she did not know before we got marred and had a family ... would she have had she known?? who knows for sure ... her comfort and her feeling will always be for most in our marriage .... in time possibly we might get a better understanding of this other side of me ...

Wendy, First, I am truly sorry your wife is not accepting. If I get what you were saying correctly, you both seem to be very loving and supportive of each other in the other areas of your marriage. Now if I am correct in this, then you are already at a place I was talking about. Having a relationship is exactly what you said. It is about , love and respect, trust and understanding, compromise. Like you said, perhaps one day she will be able to understand that this is just another interesting side of the man she loves and is spending her life with. Good luck! CG gg

[Tina B.]

CG gg This has been a very thoughtful topic, have nothing new to add, but I do know when i came out to my SO and found that she excepted me for who I really am, I did go overboard, shopping, dressing, and endless talking about me,me,me,me.
It caused a lot of tension after awhile, but after much talking I setlled down to a much calmer pace, and after years, of trail and error, have found a pretty good balance.
I probally don't tell her often enough, just how much she means to me, words come hard for me, but i do show it.
when we are out shopping, I always hold hands with her, like school kids, ask her for her opinon, and then listen. I am an early riser, so i fix her breakfast before she goes to work, meet her at the door when she gets home, with a kind word and a welcome home I am glad to see you, and a kiss.
For all of this I get a woman that has my best interst at heart, let's me be me, and buys me fun presents from time to time, (Jewery and clothes) and encorages me to dress as often as I want, even at times to show surprize and disappointment when she thought I would be dressed and am not. But I don't think that is a male or female traits neccesary. I ahve known women that just wanted to sit up on the couch and eat Bon Bons, have have a guy fawn over them with out giving anymore than that had too.
I think it is just the kind of person, you are!:2c:

[Country girl]

CC gg This has been a very thoughtful topic, have nothing new to add, but I do know when i came out to my SO and found that she excepted me for who I really am, I did go overboard, shopping, dressing, and endless talking about me,me,me,me.
It caused a lot of tension after awhile, but after much talking I setlled down to a much calmer pace, and after years, of trail and error, have found a pretty good balance.
I probally don't tell her often enough, just how much she means to me, words come hard for me, but i do show it.
when we are out shopping, I always hold hands with her, like school kids, ask her for her opinon, and then listen. I am an early riser, so i fix her breakfast before she goes to work, meet her at the door when she gets home, with a kind word and a welcome home I am glad to see you, and a kiss.
For all of this I get a woman that has my best interst at heart, let's me be me, and buys me fun presents from time to time, (Jewery and clothes) and encorages me to dress as often as I want, even at times to show surprize and disappointment when she thought I would be dressed and am not. But I don't think that is a male or female traits neccesary. I ahve known women that just wanted to sit up on the couch and eat Bon Bons, have have a guy fawn over them with out giving anymore than that had too.
I think it is just the kind of person, you are!:2c:

Tina, thanks for your honest and thought provoking answer. I agree to some extint your last sentence. The thing is, that a lot of CDer's are very attentive before the So finds out about that aspect. It just seems that after the SO knows, and if she is the least bit accepting, the whole thing gets out of control fast. Suddenly it is all about them and their desire to dress. We end up feeling as if we are invisible. You are right though, anyone can be self absorbed whether it be male or female.
CG gg