It happened...

I've been a cross dresser for decades. I've been married for almost 15 years and I never told my wife. Three weeks ago, she was using my computer and was checking the history to see where our daughter had been on the internet. She saw this website. she went to the website and saw that it was for Cross Dressers. She asked me if I had been to the website, I told her that I had. She asked me if I was a cross dresser, I told that I was and that I've been cross dressing for over 40 years. She is devestated. She feels that our whole life together was built on a lie. She's not sure she can stay married to me. She says she had no idea that I was cross dressing and that everything we've sone as a couple, as a family is tainted by the secret I kept from her. She doesn't know if she can ever trust me again. I know not telling her was wrong. I've told her that every way I know how. She doesn't want to talk about my cross dressing or cross dressing in general. I don't know what I can do to convince her that I'm the same man she has loved for so long. Pray for us to reach an undersstanding.

My first wife did not approve of my crossdressing. My wife now does. I did tell both of them only because
it is who I am. Give it some time and then talk to her, but REALLY listen to her side. Good luck.

She will slowly realize you are the same you as you have been for 15yrs and it ain't that bad !! hopefully she'll lighten up !!

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Originally Posted by Debra Russell

... hopefully she'll lighten up !!

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Really, after 15 years of living a life, then finding out there was another life being led, she should "lighten up". Poor turn of phrase IMHO.

When my wife found out she felt the same way you did. We went through a rough few months. We then went for counseling with a professional experienced transgender issues, from cross dressers to those in transition. I can't tell you how much that helped both of us. She still doesn't like it but she knows and understands that it is a part of me and is not going to go away. One key that was pointed out is that I am still the person she fell in love with, and that feminine part in me was part of the attraction. We are in a don't ask don't tell phase right now, and are getting along quite well. Give her time and I would recommend professional help. It was a couple of months before we had our first appointment, and I think that led to a better session since the initial shock was over. By the way, I kept it a secret for almost 25 years. Good luck and our thoughts are with you.

Well after 15 years I'm not surprised at her reaction, did you expect any different?

I suggest that you try and sit down with her and have a talk, be honest no more hiding the truth. I'll say now though it isn't going to be easy, she's going to feel very very hurt, betrayed and that her life has fell apart.

Since this is a new experience for both of you, and that it will affect your life together, I would suggest that you ask her to attend couples counseling together.

One of the things that a counselor will tell her is that she cannot change who you are. The counselor will then try to find the common ground for you both that has held you together for as long as it has.

This, I feel, is one of those situations that truly requires a mediator.

Wishing you well in this new experience.

Nigella
............ from WandaRay

"One key that was pointed out is that I am still the person she fell in love with, and that feminine part in me was part of the attraction."

This Is what I meant and hopefully things will get better....!!!

Then you made a very poor choice of words, your choice of words implied the SO is the one who is in the wrong.

Joanne;

It sounds like you have a lot of ups and downs ahead of you. Some of the stories on other threads have wonderful suggestions to think about. My prayers are with you and your family.

Kelly,

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Nigella

Really, after 15 years of living a life, then finding out there was another life being led.....

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It's not another life. It's merely an aspect, an activity, within the life Joanne has already been living. I've said it before: crossdressing is a lousy reason to allow a good relationship to end, especially a marriage.

I also did not tell my wife. As is the way with secrets, they tend to not stay secret. My wife had a hard time coming to grips with it when she found out, but she did so, and now does not hold it against me. Be understood after a while why I kept it to myself. I do not force this aspect of my life upon her, and she doesn't often bring it up. It works for us, and our relationship is very strong.

Joanne, the key ingredients to getting through this are love and time. I wish you well. Good luck.

My wife hated my crossdressing when she found out. Of course, I didn't tell her because I knew she might have this attitude--and be non-understanding. I hid it because of my own disapproval, and suspected mother's disapproval, and society in general disapproval. She found out and was upset. But now tiny baby steps of progress have happened. Last week she didn't object to my going to support group in drab. She usually does not object to me going to support group if I change on site. Last week she said I had too many dresses--she suggested I limit my dresses to no more than ten. She bought me three 40 gallon big plastic storage bins for my dresses and shoe collection. I already have bins for my wigs and lingerie.

Did she tell you all about her past lovers?
Did she tell her father? Why not?

A lot depends on your loving relationship--if you love each other--you will find a way.

Joanne, my prayer are with you. Hopefully, after she absorbs the initial shock of discovering your cross-dressing, she will be able to communicate with you directly or through counseling.

In general terms, it never ceases to amaze me that a woman will toss away an otherwise strong marriage over cross-dressing. At sixty plus years of age I've seen it all, either through family or work relationships. Women will marry some guy knowing of his alcohol and drug dependencies, bed hopping sexual proclivities, lazy or lacking employment habits, abusive behavior. Other women will find these same habits were hidden during the courtship and stay in the relationship. Fifty percent of the marriages do not fail because the guy is a cross-dresser!

I really get tired of reading on this site, "What did you expect when you lived a life of deceit?" Marla stated it correctly. Cross-dressing is one aspect of a person's life. An entirely good marriage is not built on one building block.

How many responders on this site have said their wife or SO was told of his cross-dressing are WERE fine with it, only to later resent it, toss it in his face? Why aren't you coming down hard on those women, who led their cross-dressing husbands or boyfriends to believe they were 'cool' with it?

I'm ready for the barrage of comments.

Joanne, find a gender therapist, tell your wife that you are taking first steps to deal with this issue and will go to the therapy. Suggest that perhaps she could go with you, but do not be forceful.
What you are going to achieve here is allowing cool down period and concrete first step in coping with this issue.
Your wife will first feel that perhaps you are going to be cured ( you know better:))and are doing everything in your power for you, for her and for entire family!!!!!!!!!!!!
She will have to come around eventually when gaining enough information about Crossdressing, she will realize of what it really is, but for now CDing is a mental sickness and freak factor creeps in.
You must understand her position of being caught off guard and the shock she endured.
There are no guarantees of her ever regaining the relationship she had, she has the right to feel betrayed, but hopefully with therapist help she will be able to understand the condition and perhaps regain some of what was lost.

On the other hand, and I know, now it isn't probably the best time to say this, but, I believe everything in life happens as a direct result of life's grand plan. You are on the first step of allowing the truth into your life, no more secret, no more hiding, no more guilt. This might have been the happiest moment of failure you have ever experienced and your life may bring awesome future and happiness.

I write this with love and from a perspective of someone whos been there not long ago and now is free and ecstatic about my future but the pain I had to endure was severe and my wife gained understanding but parted my life with divorce becoming a good friend but no longer my lover.

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Originally Posted by TGMarla

It's not another life. It's merely an aspect, an activity, within the life Joanne has already been living. I've said it before: crossdressing is a lousy reason to allow a good relationship to end, especially a marriage.

I also did not tell my wife. As is the way with secrets, they tend to not stay secret. My wife had a hard time coming to grips with it when she found out, but she did so, and now does not hold it against me. Be understood after a while why I kept it to myself. I do not force this aspect of my life upon her, and she doesn't often bring it up. It works for us, and our relationship is very strong.

Joanne, the key ingredients to getting through this are love and time. I wish you well. Good luck.

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Exactly ! ! ! " not another life merely an aspect"

Hello Joanne, Just as an individual I wouldn't advise anybody to lie about even the most trivial stuff. It has a way of muddying the waters eventually. Offhand,I kinda don't blame you for keeping it a secret because telling people(sometimes even your wife and other family members)can be a real invitation to a hanging. Yet I don't mean to sound like a bossy wiseass but maybe you shoulda told her from the start.

But what's done is done and your "out" now and in a way,you can be proud. I live with my Sister and some family members and I came out a couple of months ago. All my close freinds know too. It's a very free feeling. You get to live "To Wong Foo" and "Wigstock" instead of just watching it on cable TV. But I hope all the rough edges get smoothed out and there's no permanent rift with your wife. You are in my thoughts,Joanne,and I hope the waters settle soon.

How many responders on this site have said their wife or SO was told of his cross-dressing are WERE fine with it, only to later resent it, toss it in his face? Why aren't you coming down hard on those women, who led their cross-dressing husbands or boyfriends to believe they were 'cool' with it?

I'm ready for the barrage of comments.[/QUOTE]

I was in that boat. My wife would never have known about my crossdressing. For it was something that I had some long ago and was not a practicing crossdresser at the time of our marriage. So one year into our marriage, "I" decided to tell her, and she was not only cool with it but encouraged me to dress. So after some time and lots of money, I came out and showed her Tara for the first time. She loved Tara for a few months but then like so many wives I have read about and heard about, my wife too, did a 180 degree about face in her "so-called" acceptance. I've had to slow down my dressing very significantly, to just maybe 5 times per year now as a result of her in and out acceptance. But Tara is here to stay this time, I will never give up my crossdressing. Joanne, I really do feel for you that your wife had to find out in the way that she did. Of course I cannot tell you anything any different than the others on here about going to marriage counciling, etc. Just be glad today at long last that this secret of yours is out to your wife. But with her finding out this way, tho, she may want to tell all of your family and friends and try to ruin you. I vonluntarily told my wife and made her promise before any disclosure that she would never tell a soul. But you don't know a wife till you divorce them, so I expect her to tell the world should we ever divorce. But Joanne, answer all of her questions that she ever has. Even if she asks everday the same questions.This will help her so much. Talk about it with her everytime she wants to talk about it. I pray the best for both of you. ..Tara

joanne curl i have been a crossdresser for a long time and have been married for 45 yrs to a verry understanding wife she only found out by accident when i was on the computer on femme dressed.So i told her what i was a female in mind and i felt that i alwase will be and it woud never go away. She helped me come to terms what it ment to be a female in lifes great struggle to be accepted in society in todays non accepted of tgs .Howdo other people see what is inside the person they are looking at?

I know this is rough and I feel bad for both of you.

Don't you see...in her minds eye, you are not the man she married.
Her husband didn't keep such deep sercrets or crossdress.

It's something you have always known but not her.
Her world has just been tipped off it's axel.
It's very hard for a woman to get her head around it.
It's confusing and scary to not have known something like this.

I know with my sweet Jim, I remembered certian personal things....and it hurt to know I thought we were enjoying the same thing, in the same way.
It turned out we weren't, he was enjoying it from a perspective I had no knowledge of, so I was participating under false pretenses.

For example, something as simple as cuddleing and watching a favorite TV show.
I didn't know he thinking of us as lesbian sorority sisters.

When I did know, I didn't want to play. I wasn't a lesbian.
I was a woman and I wanted a man.
I wanted Jim.
My guard went way up.....always wondering how he viewed a situation, trying to interpret it through his eyes.
I understood he couldn't help it but I also felt a need to protect my perceptions.

I felt like what the heck am I here for?
Wearing pretty feminine lingere was what I brought to the table and now what is my role?

How many of you say you disclosed before marriage and she accepted it?
But did you only say you liked to wear panties or a nightie to bed?
Did you disclose everything? The fantasys? How much this was a part of you? How important it was to you? How elemental in your heart, mind and soul?
Did you even know how things could accelerate over the years and if you did, did you prepare her?

In a way, you brought another woman into her home, plopped her in the middle of the room and now she must reckon with this.

If she doesn't want to talk, then don't.
A love letter would be nice, Jim did that for me.
Not about you or your crossdressing...but about her...you and her.

Acknowledge you hurt her, be as kind and gentle with her as you know how to be.
Offer simple gentle affection...rub her neck, hold her hand and stroke her hair.

In a way, she has to grieve for what she always believed you were....what you allowed her to believe.
It's really, really hard.
For Jim and I when I fully realized the full extent of this.... it was like seeing a freight train coming and I was powerless to stop it.
Jamie slowly kinda killed my Jim....and I had to witness it.
It was so hard to let Jim go, that's what I still struggle against.
I think that's what he struggles with too.

But we both cope the best we can, never forgetting how important our love and support is to each other.

I hope things get better for you and for her.

Sometimes, for reasons good and bad, we decide not to tell a loved one something that will disturb them. You didn't withhold this information with the intent of harming your wife, you withheld it because you couldn't figure out how to tell her without hurting her.

The solution is communication. Talk to your wife and, more importantly, listen to what she has to say. She'll have a lot of questions and you should answer them as accurately as you can. Be careful to dispel the common misconceptions about CDing. "I don't know" is an acceptable answer if you truly don't know something. If she's willing, have her join this forum. It will help to put a human face on CDing and will give her access and support from GGs who have gone through the same thing.

The other thing your wife will need is time. You've lived with CDing for a long time. She's lived with it for three weeks, which isn't nearly enough time to wrap her brain around the concept.

Hopefully, with talk and time, your wife will be able to come to terms with this newly-discovered aspect of you. 15 years of marriage is a long time and I'm willing to bet that you've had a few bumps along the way. As long as you and your wife maintains a mature and calm attitude your relationship will survive this bump as well.

Yes Joanne the water could get rough ahead! When it does let her rock the boat! If you're going to make it through this, you must stay calm! After-all you rocked it first! Wishing the best for you!

My wife found out the same way about 8 months ago.We have been having troubles for awhile and this did not help. I had kept this side of me secret all those years because her reactions to any hint that I would like to dress at halloween was met with a " thats sick and preverted " comment. I am a retired teacher and once fully dressed at school for the day as part of a fund raiser 12 years ago. My wife never understood me doing it and had brought it up in arguments ever since.I have never dressed in front of her and she has never seen my clothes stash.

I have been in the closet for all these years. I crossdressed before I met and married her but I have kept it hidden because I did not understand how strong my desire would become. I have kept it hidden later knowing what the reaction would be. On the other hand I never knew her feelings on the subject because it never came up before our marriage.

I have never dressed in front of her and she has never seen my clothes.I have been in the closet for all these years.Recently she did find the pictures of me dressed at school,that caused quite an explosion

We have been together for 39 years raised two sons and her words after finding out was that 'Crossdressing is a deal breaker'. My wife is an RN and talked about it with a psychologist friend at the hopital where she worked. The psychologist told her that crossdressing is the same as cheating in a marriage and crossdressering is a narcissistic behavior ; so much for seeking professional help.

We are at a strange place in our marrige with a lot of don't ask don't tell. I do feel better with it out in the open except now my crossdressing is thrown up to me whenever we try to work out other problems in our relationship .

I don't see this getting better.

We still love each other but love can only do so much.

As others have said, communication is the absolute key. Answer questions at her pace but be honest with the good, bad and the ugly as you do not want to compound with more lies.

Momarie, you made some awesome points.

I wish your wife and your relationship the best of luck with this situation. It's got to be difficult to deal with a longstanding secret encompassing something so fundamental to a person's core being as gender identity, and it's going to take a great deal of time and heartache before things are settled again. I wouldn't be surprised if this revelation makes your wife question every single moment you've spent together that she can remember, and try to go over it again in her mind to see how this is altered with the new information. Fifteen years is a lot of time to re-process.

Probably JamieTG's~SO's post will be the absolute most helpful thing in order to understand what your wife may be thinking right now.

It's true that you as a person have not fundamentally changed - but the way your wife knows you (and WHAT she knows about you) are irrevocably different now. So functionally to her, you ARE a different person because she never was able to percieve everything about you before. Hopefully with time, love and patience she will be able to reconcile that new knowledge with what she knew about you before and be able to see you now more completely, and appreciate the small things she probably fell in love with you for may stem from the same part of you that your crossdressing comes from. It's still going to be important for you to remember, the man she thought she was marrying 15 years ago didn't do anything at all like what she's recently found out you've been doing.

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Originally Posted by JenniferR771

Did she tell you all about her past lovers?
Did she tell her father? Why not?

A lot depends on your loving relationship--if you love each other--you will find a way.

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I just wanted to say that comments like these two sets are said on here an awful lot, and I really don't know how applicable they are to a crossdressing relationship.

For one, a past lover ought to be just that - the past. I'm sure the lovers most people are concerned about are the current ones and in most marriages that list usually is brief (and when it isn't, that spouse had better know about it and be truly okay with it ahead of time!!) If there is something about that relationship that will carry over into the present - Children? Ex-spouse getting alimony? STI's or the possiblity thereof? Potentially career damaging connections that may pose a national security risk? That sort of thing really OUGHT to be disclosed. It would be a betrayal to not talk about that ahead of time. Crossdressing is different, because it's something happening now and is not buried in the past. I understand many crossdressers have felt in the past that their urge to dress went away and was not coming back when they had a fulfilling relationship - okay. But when it starts up again... it's a current issue, it can affect the relationship, and really should be disclosed.

I would HOPE that the relationship I have with my SO is incredibly different than my relationship with my parents!! I'm not really sure what the point anyone is trying to make by asking that? Would you mind explaining it a little?

A loving relationship is important and I'm not going to deny that. The amount of love, support and closeness that can develop over 15 years is incredibly special, and is a huge motivation to try and work through things. But let's be clear: love is not like a pencil eraser. It's not the tool that will fix this. To me, I feel phrases like 'if you love each other you'll find a way' can be flipped around, too - 'if you don't find a way, you didn't really love each other.' That is COMPLETELY not true and I think if I were in a 15 year marriage, found out about a huge secret like this that shook my marriage and it DIDN'T work out - the idea that I was at fault because I didn't love him enough would probably destroy me.

The tools that will fix this (if it can be fixed) are patience, time, honesty, communication, care and counselling of one sort or another. If your wife feels comfortable with this, ask her to join this site and come join FAB. It's a place where she can say whatever she wants, to people who know what she's going through, and feel comfortable that it goes no farther. Even if your relationship ends, she would be welcome with us to work through her feelings and experiences for her own sake.

Oh girl! You have some 'splainin to do.

Give her some time to get her head around it. She feels that the applecart has not only been upset but exploded. Communication between the both of you is what is needed. You will need to have patience, be honest and seek counseling. Then you might have a shot at saving the marriage.

When will you girls and boys ever learn, disclosing these types of things need to be done early on in the relationship.

A lot of time and understanding is what's in order right now. If your wife doesn't wish to talk about your crossdressing at this time then you may have to wait until such time when she's more approachable on the subject, with occasional delicate prodding along the way. Remember, you've had many years to adapt to your own cding while she's had only 3 weeks.
Start with rebuilding lost trust as a result of the deception, and bring her fully into your life.
Honesty is the key from here on out.

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Originally Posted by joanna marie

...We have been together for 39 years raised two sons and her words after finding out was that 'Crossdressing is a deal breaker'...

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An ultimatum is not a sign of a mature partnership regardless of the number of years the relationship has been going on. This is bullying behavior. You and your wife need to seek counseling together in a professional situation, not from her break-room buddy.

Unfortunately, some people don't take the "for better or for worse" and "till death do we part" parts of the wedding vow seriously.

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Originally Posted by Stephanie47

I really get tired of reading on this site, "What did you expect when you lived a life of deceit?" Marla stated it correctly. Cross-dressing is one aspect of a person's life. An entirely good marriage is not built on one building block.

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Yes crossdressing is one aspect but the lies that go with it isn't. Trust is another building block but when I wife is told years down the line that trust is shattered.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Stephanie47

How many responders on this site have said their wife or SO was told of his cross-dressing are WERE fine with it, only to later resent it, toss it in his face? Why aren't you coming down hard on those women, who led their cross-dressing husbands or boyfriends to believe they were 'cool' with it?

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Yes this does happen and most times it happens because the cder pushes things to much, and basically it becomes all about the cder.

I am one of those SOs who after years of everything being ok, I gradually hated the cding, why, because Nigella came out of the forces and went a bit wild, dressing more often, buying things that she didn't need and clothing that she would never wear, it became all about her. Fortunately for us we worked things out.

Just don't try and load all the blame onto the SO.

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Originally Posted by JenniferR771

Did she tell you all about her past lovers?
Did she tell her father? Why not?

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Are you equating having a relationship before you knew someone with 15 years of misleading a wife about who you are? It certainly seems like that is your intention and the two are not at all comparable.

Over those 15 years Joanne's wife thought that she knew who her husband was what he liked and didn't like - now she finds that for the whole of that time, he has been misleading her about himself and not telling her about a major part of his personality. This is not something that happened before they knew each other, this is something that has been going on behind her back while they have been married.

Of course she will be questioning whether she ever knew her man. Marriages are supposed to be built on trust, yet Joanne didn't trust her wife with this major part of her personality.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joanne, despite what I have just written, I do truly hope that with time, patience and a whole lot of love, you can begin to restore your relationship with your wife and that this does not turn out to cause the break-up of your marriage. Others have suggested couples counselling, but only you can tell whether that is the way to go to save your marriage.

Right now, everything probably looks pretty bleak to you, but please remember you have a 40 year head-start on your wife for understanding this aspect of who you are - she has just found out in a very unexpected way. Please give her time and space to grieve the loss of who she thought you were, and continue to demonstrate to her why she is in love with you. I really hope that in the end, she will feel able to trust you once again.

Since I will certainly pray for you two, I will pray that you reach a happy understanding sooner rather than later.

It's not, of course, the crossdressing that is the real issue; it's the trust that's been challenged. Can she trust you? Yes... She can trust you have always been a crossdresser and always will be. Does it matter that you didn't tell her? Yes. Does it matter so much that you crossdress? No, probably not.

My second wife, may she rest in peace, would sometimes smoke - cigars. She made a spectacle of herself when she smoked too... Rolling the cigar like an oil baron, puffing like a train, and, usually telling loud dirty jokes when she went that far...

Did I love her any less because she didn't tell me she sometimes smoked? Yes. Did I love her a lot less? No. It was just something she did because she was who she was. You take the whole person when you marry them, whether you know it or not. It's not your job to judge them, but to love them and help them along in life.

Crossdressing, like smoking, is not in most marriage vows. Love, understanding, and forgiveness, however, are always there - because that's what a marriage is and has to be. I pray it won't be long before you both start laughing again:

"You wear skirts and dresses? Oh, you silly man. Let me show you how it's done so you don't get a note from teacher..."

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Originally Posted by Sandra

Yes crossdressing is one aspect but the lies that go with it isn't. Trust is another building block but when I wife is told years down the line that trust is shattered.



Yes this does happen and most times it happens because the cder pushes things to much, and basically it becomes all about the cder.

I am one of those SOs who after years of everything being ok, I gradually hated the cding, why, because Nigella came out of the forces and went a bit wild, dressing more often, buying things that she didn't need and clothing that she would never wear, it became all about her. Fortunately for us we worked things out.

Just don't try and load all the blame onto the SO.

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I would not make general statement concerning the reaction of an SO when finding out her partner is a cross-dresser. For whatever reason the CD did not openly state prior to the relationship progressing that he was a CDer, the reaction from the SO always seems to be based on perceived deceitful behavior.

Maybe in your relationship Nigella was given"permission" to come out of the bottle and eventually exceed your boundaries of tolerance or acceptance. I will only speak for me. My wife assisted in some of my CD fetish thirty plus years ago to the extent of buying some stockings and garter belts and nightgowns. She asked me to not wear the nightgowns to bed anymore, when our child was born. No problem. I accepted her request. Later on she became non accepting without me ever asking her to participate in anything. Once I asked her if she would buy me a pair of panties. We went to the store and it was a disaster. She was so uncomfortable, I never asked her to buy anything as simple as a pair of plain nylon panties. I stopped buying her nightgowns because she told me I only was thinking of how I would look in the nightgown.

My marriage has been plagued by the demons she had and told me about BEFORE we were married. Her DEMONS made her dysfunctional to some extent. I accepted those revelations. I figured, if cross dressing issues ever arose, she would be tolerant. I was not a practicing cross dresser for many years and I figured, if my CDing ever arose again, she would be accepting or at least tolerating.

Nigella may have been spending too much money on clothing and makeup, but, that is not the issue for many CDers. Our family income and assets can easily support any hobby or cross dressing activity. I literally could spend $1,000 per month on clothing without making a blip on the radar screen. Blaming intolerance on finances is baloney. I have had many friends, who waste family dollars modifying cars, racing cars, smoking dollar up the chimney, getting drunk, buying needless electronic toys, hobby of any kind. Many of them are nearing bankruptcy.

Many CDers are responsible financially and would just like to remain totally in the closet. I do NOT want to dress en femme in front of my wife, because she is not accepting. Even if she were to ask me to dress for a Halloween party, I would not because later I fear she would toss it in my face. Her greatest fear is somebody may discover my cross-dressing. Somehow cross dressing ranks up there with rape and child molesting for a lot of people.

I live in a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" relationship. We do NOT discuss my cross dressing. And, we do NOT discuss her DEMONS that have plagued our marriage. If I knew how her DEMONS would have affected our marriage, I would NOT have married the woman I love.

Maybe I need to start a thread asking "Why are you REALLY intolerant to your husband's cross-dressing?" "What makes cross dressing so intolerant to YOU?"

Of course I really do not expect to get a true sampling of answers because not many of those GG's would never even come to this site!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Stephanie47

Nigella may have been spending too much money on clothing and makeup, but, that is not the issue for many CDers.

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Yes she did but as I said we sorted things put but...the bit I have highlighted is so wrong, I hear time after time from SOs about how their SO is spending more that is supposed to be for other things, even going as far as spending the housekeeping money so please don't try and tell me it's not an issue.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Stephanie47

Maybe I need to start a thread asking "Why are you REALLY intolerant to your husband's cross-dressing?" "What makes cross dressing so intolerant to YOU?"

Of course I really do not expect to get a true sampling of answers because not many of those GG's would never even come to this site!

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Yes why don't you, I think you'd be surprised at the answers that the GGs would give, after all we have quite a few wives here on the site, ranging from all levels of acceptance, support and tolerance.

[SIZE="2"][SIZE="3"][SIZE="4"]stephanie47 quote:
"Maybe I need to start a thread asking "Why are you REALLY intolerant to your husband's cross-dressing?" "What makes cross dressing so intolerant to YOU?"

Of course I really do not expect to get a true sampling of answers because not many of those GG's would never even come to this site!"[/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE]

Some GG's replyed to this heartfelt thread with sorrow, thoughtfulness and compassion, yet you still feel a need to turn your anger against them.
Why?

We tell you how it feels from our perspective and you wholeheartedly diminish and deny what we say without even listening.
Why?

Could we put this thread back on-track and concentrate on Joanne's issue? It has been a day so it might be nice if she could give us an update on how things are going with her.

Eryn said it very well!! This is Joanne's thread and about her problem!! The other issues may enter into it, but they are definitely not the main problem!! Too many people are getting carried away with telling others how they should think!!

The whole problem here, for Joanne and any others in the same boat is telling your wife or SO that you are a crossdresser!! My question is, why would you lie when you married her? Wht did you not tell her before you asked her to marry you? I did that with my late wife, she accepted me as is and we had almost 50 years together before cancer took her!! If she wouldn't accept you, than you 2 weren't meant for each other! It really is that simple! Lying about being a crossdresser for any number of years is only going to make things worse. A wife marries a man, or at least expects to!! My late wife always knew that I was her MAN, no matter what sort of clothes I had on! I never had any desire to be a woman, and she knew that!!

Now you, Joanne, have to convince your wife that you are still the man she married and always will!! My prayers are with both of you that you can work it out!!

I do pray for her understanding and give her some time. I told my wife about my crossdressing about 7 months ago and she swore she would never set eyes on my female image. Last night I got all dolled up and we watched a couple movies, progress is slow but it can happen. Even if she enver accepts your fem side, I really think things will get better than they are now.

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Originally Posted by sissystephanie

My question is, why would you lie when you married her? Wht did you not tell her before you asked her to marry you?

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I hope Joanne will give a direct answer, but I would like to point out that not revealing something does not constitute a lie. Hindsight is always 20/20, but perhaps at the time of Joanne's marriage there may have been so many other items of greater importance that CDing simply wasn't discussed.

In my case, CDing wasn't really significant at the time of my marriage (I didn't even know that my interest in women's clothing was called "crossdressing") but it grew more significant with time. Eventually a point arrived where it was so significant that my worry about concealing it was affecting our relationship even without her knowing about my CDing. At that point we had "the talk." If things had gone differently I might well have been in Joanne's position of being discovered.

Someone with a vindictive streak would angrily chastise me for the deception they assume I visited upon my wife, but my wife is not vindictive and has helped me to understand how feelings can change in importance as we mature. For that insight I am very grateful.

thank you everyone for your support, suggestions and prayers. It's been a month since she sound out and I have vowed to tell her the truth and not keep anymore secrets. I have hurt her deeply and it breaks by heart to see the painI've caused her. I have an excuse of why I didn't tell her but honestly, it's just an excuse. I didn't tell her because I was/am weak. I thought if I told her she'd leave me. At the time I'd proposed and promised myself I'd tell her before we set a date. Then we found out she was pregnant and I was afraid if I told her she'd have our child without marrying me and I couldn't allow that so I chose to keep my secret. As the years passed I got to know her better and knew that she would never accept me as a crossdresser so I tried to stop. We all know how well that works. 15 years later, here I am.

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Originally Posted by Sandra

Well after 15 years I'm not surprised at her reaction, did you expect any different?

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Well, she might have reacted the way my wife did: "Really??? Seriously?? Okay... that's interesting."

I mean, does it really have to be the end of the freakin' world?

Thanks, Joanne, for the update. Your vow of truth is a good one and it looks like your marriage is headed in the right direction.

Yes, you did the wrong thing and caused your wife unneeded pain. Continued self-recrimination will not yield any positive result. The best course is to acknowledge the error, learn from it, and then and look forward to building the best relationship possible with your wife. It will require time and effort, but I'll be that those are things you are willing to provide.

You both may find that her inadvertent discovery will yield a better, stronger relationship for you both.

Hugs, Eryn

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Originally Posted by Sophie86

Well, she might have reacted the way my wife did: "Really??? Seriously?? Okay... that's interesting."

I mean, does it really have to be the end of the freakin' world?

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Yes, a man being a CD is the end of the world! I live close to downtown and right now building are crumbling, cars are randomly exploding, it is raining fire, and the doomsayers are screaming "I told you so!" It must be because someone came out as a CD.

I am now going to go hold a water hose aimed at my car in case it tries to explode.

my heart goes out to your wife I know pretty much exactly where she is coming from at that point. 19yrs together but 15yrs of that married to one another I found out about my husbands CDing by looking more closley at a bank statment cause of a show I just watched on TV on idenity theft. Then saw many purchases on there I knew of the place but couldnt figure out for the life of me WHY we would of spent something there.. God knows he didnt buy anything for me there.. So I went upstairs knowing he had to be hiding it up there and "ta-da" found it upstairs under our bed actually locked up but I knew the combination to that lock so I unlocked it and found some of his things there.. although he had stuff hidden all over..

I felt lied to just like your wife.. 15yrs of marriage.. 19yrs together and he goes and does this stuff behind my back then has the courage each day to look at me and tell me he loves me... my head was spinning.. all the preaching from him that people need to be honest and truthful in a marriage and not lie which came from his mouth OFTEN.. and he was basically hiding the biggest secret of all in our marriage... thats when it just stabs you in the heart.. and no it doesnt heal right away if at all depending on each situation..

So I decided I would try and be accepting we set some boundries and they were tested and things just were going really fast... now only 5 1/2mo later my heart is still not healed and im not sure if its even scabbed.. many days it still feels like its bleeding with no bandaid around to help it heal..

I still have no trust when it comes to any of the CDing parts.. I feel like I cant catch my breath if I know hes going to be home for a extended period of time alone with no kids or myself and hes going to go bat wild..(but there is other reasons i wont post about why thoes feelings are there).. And now it sounds like he is going to be promoted to assistant manager at work.. which requires 12weeks of training and most of it out of town.. im scared to death about that now.. cause I know in my heart I dont trust him.. he knows what hurts me.. but i dont trust him with my heart just yet and i wont anytime soon..he will be gone for im not sure how many weeks at a time.. in a hotel room.. and i cry cause im worried even though I should trust him.. hes my husband.. I want to be SOO happy for him and his promotion cause i love him so much..hes awesome at his job and he deserves it but im being selfish now I feel cause of my worries.

So this is more opinions coming from me a GG..im not one of those wives who fully support it 100%.. i am scared 99% of the time and cry a lot about it.. but to myself so no one knows.. i try to be strong for our marriage and kids.. and now its taking a toll on my health but its what im use to doing so its hard to stop a habbit of people pleasing

Its a long process but whatever the outcome.. if you both deciede to stay together and work through this it will be a LONG process and it wont happen oven night might not even happen in a year.. but just remember.. dont get wrapped up in what the others call "pink fog" stay true to your marrige and your wife..shes probably going to have a hard time trusting right now and for awhile.. help her build up that trust in you.. do things for her so she knows your still that man she married.. and dont make promises you cant keep.. just know shes hurting.. you have had years with your CDing so its going to probably take her years to even start to understand why and know if shes going to be able to cope with it or not...

And a final note.. dont be angry at her if she cant accept it.. even if one day she thinks she can that can easily change as emotions change and it settles in....

let her know about the wives here.. we would love to have her in the FAB forum.. its helped me vent so much and talk to others.. trust me we all have different levels of acceptance so we arnt going to gang up on her or anything.. i would love to talk to your wife and let her know i am here if she ever needs to vent to someone who has been through what she has.

My wife found my clothes about 6 weeks ago. Although she is a little uncomfortable yet, she doesn't mind painted toenails, satin panties (cotton bikini panties when it's really hot), and femme nightwear. I remind her every day that she is my whole world, that I love her deeply, and that I am and always will be her man. I have no desire to transition, I just like the clothes. We celebrated our 27th anniversary this week. I told her I would like a nighty, but she told me (teary eyed) that she looked at them, but couldn't bring herself to buy one for me. She washes all my clothes, skirts, panties, sport bras, etc. for me with no objections. She has asked me to not wear a skirt or dress in front of her, and I have no problem with that.
Since she found out, our lives have been much better. We are closer than ever, and we communicate better. I have been happier than I have ever been. I know that deep down she wishes that I wasn't TG, and sometimes, so do I. But it is a part of me that will never go away. I am trying to take things really slow for her sake. I have explained to her how good I feel when I am dressed. I tell her all the time that if she wants me to wear men's underwear (esp. when being intimate) that I will. She tells me that whatever makes me feel good is fine with her. I have a very special lady!
I hope it works out for you like it did for me. Good luck, and keep us posted.

I would feel really pissed off and disrespected if i married someone for 15 years, and the whole time they were keeping their thoughts to themselves, changing their words to hide secrets, and opening up more to random people on the internet than to me.

what am i chopped liver? you can't trust me? why the hell did you even marry me then.
you know they have you say "the truth, the whole truth" when you take an oath, because contrary to what people on here might say, withholding the truth is a form of a lie

there is a big difference between not stating something from your past, and actively deleting internet history, hiding spending, and tucking away clothes or lieing about what you did when you two weren't together when she asks

What I find interesting is the fact that when she asked you if the site was yours, you said, "Yes". When she asked you if you were a crossdresser, you said, "Yes". You even told her how long you'd been dressing.

But you DID NOT LIE! That's a major plus in your favor.

Is it a shock to her?? Of course. Will it take time?? Oh Yeah! Can it be overcome? Yep, it can be.

If you can sit down with her to discuss this part of you, you might bring up the fact that you didn't 'ask' to be a CDer, you didn't beg God to give you the feminine side you have, at birth (or even before). What she fell in love with when she fell in love with you included the sensitivity of your feminine side. The gentle side of you that allows you to be understanding when she (or your kids) needs it. Assure her that she isn't competing with the feminine side of your personality, nor that the feminine part that is inside you makes you any less a man nor does it make her any less a woman in your life. I can only assume that you enjoy doing 'guy things' and are handy around the house as well.

The idea of asking her to see a gender therapist with you is a solid one as well. Pick a real professional though, someone who has lots of experience in counseling transgendered couples.

Good luck to you.

I think when asked if it was him going to the CD site and then saying yes I cross dress doesnt matter if he anwered "yes" to it or not.. thats not what the issue is.. what was he suppose to say "oh our daughter must have been on that site yeah shes the CDer".. the wife knew she just wanted to hear him say yes.. if he would of said No she would of knew anyways.

I really dont like when talking especially at first "well I didnt ask to be a CDer" talk.. you know my reply as a GG "Well I didnt ask to be married to someone who lied to me everyday from the time we knew eachother of who he really is and how he really feels"... or I doubt the wife begged for God to give her issues like this in a marriage when she thought she could trust her husband..

Mainly I am trying to say dont say directly out "Well I didnt ask to be this way"... those words never and dont work for me when trying to find comfort.. and thats what the wife needs right now is comfort

I'm not going to put these questions to any particular SO, but just send them out into the ether as something to think about.

Do you have any sympathy at all for the reasons why he felt like he had to hide that part of himself from the world? Are you sad at all for the years that the two of you might have spent growing closer if you had known this about him? Or are you just angry that you wasted so many years on a defective husband, and are now stuck in a marriage that you don't want?

I see several references to "lying" in recent posts.

My question is, did your SO truly lie or did he simply choose to keep this facet of his personality to himself?

Keeping the secret is usually done to avoid hurting the person he dearly loves and is afraid of losing. It is not an act with malicious intent.

My opinion it is lying.. if you cant share something with your SO or soon to be SO of who you are as a whole person thats not telling the whole truth which ends up being a lie..that person thinks they then know you and lives years and years with you thinking they know everything about you.. you share everything and do everything together.. over the years you do things to cover up that lie.. hide clothing etc so your SO wont find out etc...it turns into more then a secret and then once its found it causes a lot of pain from both sides...just like any lie does.. a lie is a cover up which someone believes is to protect someone or themselves.. lies dont always have malicious intent to them.

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Originally Posted by SweetPea_GG

my heart goes out to your wife I know pretty much exactly where she is coming from at that point. 19yrs together but 15yrs of that married to one another I found out about my husbands CDing by looking more closley at a bank statment cause of a show I just watched on TV on idenity theft. Then saw many purchases on there I knew of the place but couldnt figure out for the life of me WHY we would of spent something there.. God knows he didnt buy anything for me there.. So I went upstairs knowing he had to be hiding it up there and "ta-da" found it upstairs under our bed actually locked up but I knew the combination to that lock so I unlocked it and found some of his things there.. although he had stuff hidden all over..

I felt lied to just like your wife.. 15yrs of marriage.. 19yrs together and he goes and does this stuff behind my back then has the courage each day to look at me and tell me he loves me... my head was spinning.. all the preaching from him that people need to be honest and truthful in a marriage and not lie which came from his mouth OFTEN.. and he was basically hiding the biggest secret of all in our marriage... thats when it just stabs you in the heart.. and no it doesnt heal right away if at all depending on each situation..

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Hi SweetPea, thank you for sharing this with us, I know it took a lot of courage to open yourself up like that, but you have done us a great service by showing us how this sort of discovery can affect someone.

Although you say that you don't support 100% of the time, you have proved what an outstanding person you are by joining these forums to try to understand more and by being willing to share your experience with us.

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Originally Posted by SweetPea_GG

Mainly I am trying to say don't say directly out "Well I didn't ask to be this way"... those words never and don't work for me when trying to find comfort.. and that's what the wife needs right now is comfort

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I agree that when put like that it can sound confrontational and is unlikely to help a wife to come to terms with the discovery, but said in the right way and in the right context, it is an important point to convey that this is not some kind of hobby but part of the makeup of who the cross-dresser is.

For me, the most important thing that any cross-dresser can do when having "the talk" with their wife is to listen to her feelings and not try to win the argument - which is a fairly natural thing for most guys to do but would be wrong in this context.

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Originally Posted by Eryn

I see several references to "lying" in recent posts.

My question is, did your SO truly lie or did he simply choose to keep this facet of his personality to himself?

Keeping the secret is usually done to avoid hurting the person he dearly loves and is afraid of losing. It is not an act with malicious intent.

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You do not have to lie with malicious intent to deceive someone. Whether you call it lying or "keeping the secret" the fact is that you are not being honest with your wife about who you are. Relationships work on trust, yet time after time I see cross-dressers saying (in different words) "I did not trust my wife enough to tell her about my cross-dressing". Sometimes it is phrased as a fear of rejection, but it still boils down to the same thing, and yet these same cross-dressers are often upset when a wife discovers what the cross-dresser has been hiding for so many years and feels that her trust has been abused.

Joanne, I am not tryiong to condemn you, and I truly hope that you can rebuild the trust between you and your wife, it will take a lot of work on both sides, but please try to be sensitive to her feelings and try to remember that you have had a lifetime to come to terms with yourself as a cross-dresser, your wife has only just discovered this facet of who you are. Please try to be patient with her and don't forget to give her plenty of practical reminders of why she loves you in deeds rather than in words.