While my wife isn't interested in crossdressing bedroom play, she is more than happy to let me go out, more than happy to buy me dresses.
We have tried some kink, but it wasn't really our thing, it's more a distraction to fun.
But yes, she knew my interests before we got serious, and was okay with it.
Those that hide it tend to get one heck of a slapping (mostly for dishonesty etc), sometimes with a divorce order, so always best to be up front (just not on the first 5 dates)
As far as I'm concerned, definitely tell all before getting into a serious relationship. And I'd add that it's a bad idea to get into a serious relationship until you know enough about your issues to say with certainty how much freedom to dress will be required. SO many people go into serious relationships before they know themselves well enough and the relationship suffers because the spouse can't accept where their partner is going with dressing and gender issues. It isn't fair to either party when that happens.
Carol
Then I misunderstood you. I apologize. I took it you were saying that a sexual relationship with a woman (a 7) could not compare to the non-vanilla stuff (a 10). I was wanting to point out that few women would settle for that.Quote:
Originally Posted by mikeyp
It's not the CDing in itself that GGs object to, generally, it is the focus placed on it especially if it is sexual focus. This makes a GG feel as if she is dispensable. Does this make sense? GGs want to be loved as much as they love their CD SOs and for most GGs, the sexual bond is intertwined with the emotional bond. And the sad truth is, there are very few GGs who become as sexually excited about the CDing as do CDers. In the beginning it might be fun, but once a GG figures out that the real source of her SO's excitement is something that is not her, it becomes a turn-off ... (in the bedroom). Some GGs can accept it in the bedroom occasionally but this is to please their partners and not because it is their sexual preference. So if the husband/bf is more into it than he is into the GG and she feels this, it will eventually ruin their sex life.
I read the responses to your thread and I'm surprised that no other CDer has commented on this. They seem to take it you are talking only about your ability to dress freely with your wife's knowledge and they do not consider that the difficulty for most GGs is not whether her husband wears a dress once in a while, it is what it does to him when he does wear that dress, if it turns him on more than she does. Why is no one talking about this? :p
It might be worth a try to find a woman who is into BDSM, although it narrows your dating pool quite a bit. :pQuote:
Originally Posted by mikeyp
This is the source of my misunderstanding. What would you do if she's not into the sissy boy kink? Would you just be able to dress without it being sexual for you?Quote:
Originally Posted by mikeyp
I must agree with Sarah Beth and others. Tell her about it first.
I believe that my commitment to my SO is the most important commitment I have made in my life. The fact that I did not tell her before we devoted ourselves, was dishonest on my part. Her reaction and current level of acceptance (DADT) was a decision that she should have been able to make before she agreed to the commitment. I will respect her acceptance level and curb my crossdressing appropriately. I fell that it is the right thing to do. I have desired to advance my experimentation with going out in public, etc., but I will respect her wishes and work within the currently agreed parameters.
Yes, tell your potential wife about your hobby before getting serious. Make sure she is OK with it and remember, having children changes women. Once you have a child, most likely your clothes will go into the closet, never to be seen again until the child leaves home.
The risk of course is that your potential wife may not only break up with you when you tell her you are a crossdresser, she may tell your friends, family and co-workers.
You're young enough to give being open a real good shot. Some suggestions I've heard are to hang out with gay women, and try to get them to invite you along with them when they go out, in hopes of finding a woman who's got a little bi tendencies in her, but maybe doesn't really want a physical female. There in you may find someone who could like a pretty crossdresser. That would have been my choice if I had it when younger. But at this point, I'm just a homely charicature of a crossdresser, so that wouldn't work out well for me. If you can look good, go for it. Be aware, however, that you are forever limiting yourself to about 1% of the female population. Because for most women, a crossdressed male is a sexual turn off. Sure, she MAY tolerate you, but all other things being equal, she will want a non-feminine man as a mate.
Oh, don't get me wrong, I know of this reality. I present as a male 99% of the time and it doesn't really bother me, but I'm willing to make sacrifices in terms of a real relationship. I can't hate women's preferences though. They have a right not to be attracted to a very feminine male, which is okay. I mostly plan to go out as "me" and drop the private crossdressing thing on her a little later in a casual way. You'd by no means think I'm gay in person, but I'm not the most macho guy you've ever met. I guess it wouldn't be too surprising to a female if she found out about this part of me, heh.Quote:
Originally Posted by sometimes_miss
I'm just trying to prepare for the day where my CDing becomes more than a 1% of the time thing, which seems to happen for most. Where the CDing becomes more than just a form of intense sexual satisfaction. I loathe that day, and hope to find a woman who might be even a little accepting and understanding of my situation.
Though I've made plenty of mistakes in my life, the only one I truly regret every single day, is not having told my wife before we married. It was selfish and cowardly of me, but I loved her so much and I was so afraid I would lose her.
Well, I didn't lose her, 17 years later when the girl inside me simply could not hide any longer. In fact our relationship blossomed in ways I could never have imagined. I lived with guilt and shame and depression for 17 f'ing years! It was a self imposed prison sentence! ... and I held myself back from the single greatest relationship of my life. We could have had this all along!
Yes many women won't be into this. If this is a part of you, then those women aren't for you, but there are those who can dig it. One of those women probably is for you. Go find her (and be honest about yourself)! :-)
I guess I hit the jackpot with my wife. Her youngest brother is gay, she has another sibling who is MTF transgender, and one of her best friends is a gay makeup artist. These days she loves to help me shop.
My advice would be, before you start really dating a girl, get to know something about her family and friends, and chances are, you will find someone liberal enough to at least tolerate, and hopefully appreciate your "kink."
any relationship grows through a process of surface appearances gradually giving way to deeper and deeper disclosures, and if you fall in love (the only reason to then have children imho) then if she is also in love i don't see why she would not accept you as you are - after all you will do the same for her, and no doubt be more attentive than mr macho. It's not about full disclosure on first date in my opinion though, unless you're a 24/7 dresser already.
Most of us are, by simple odds, just average.Quote:
Originally Posted by mikeyp
Well, I can tell you it won't matter much. Because people don't get to choose what they're attracted to OR WHAT TURNS THEM OFF. We fall in love with not the person, but an image of the person based on what we know of them. So initially she's going so see the normal male you. Then you're going to spring something on her that is going to really blow that image out of the water: You in a dress. Now perhaps your relationship will survive. But I can tell you first hand that she will definitely feel that you were misrepresenting yourself. And the big point I'm trying to make also is that very, very few people have any idea of what's going on in their own head. So you can't count on her being smart enough to figure out that just because you like to wear girl stuff it doesn't mean that you're not secretly just in denial about being a transsexual or homosexual. Because plenty of men are. Sure, it's caused by how society treats us, but that doesn't matter. What matters is how we wind up and how we deal with it. And women generally aren't able to deal with the idea of a husband who 'might' be gay or TS, no matter how much we insist we are not. Just look at this forum, and see guys start out insisting they're straight, then a few years later all of a sudden turns out they're TS. Unless you know where your desire to dress up and behave like a girl comes from, you can't say that won't happen to you.Quote:
I mostly plan to go out as "me" and drop the private crossdressing thing on her a little later in a casual way.
Yeah, right. I thought the same thing. Nope. People see what they want to see most of all. Unless of course you're wearing girl stuff when you meet.Quote:
I guess it wouldn't be too surprising to a female if she found out about this part of me, heh.
Good luck there, you're going to need every bit of it.
Yup, you hit the crossdresser lottery! Congratulations! Never forget how lucky you are. Because there are only about two million crossdressers who will happily line up to fill your shoes if you ever leave that lady!Quote:
Originally Posted by OCCarly
Remember, however, there are a lot of tolerant women out there until it becomes something that affects HER. My wife was very accepting of gay and transsexuals. But when she found out I was a crossdresser, well that flipped a switch of some sort, and all the gay and transsexual accusations came forward. Even before we split she kept insisting that I should go live in San Francisco so I could be with as she said, 'other people like you', referring to the gay/ts community.Quote:
My advice would be, before you start really dating a girl, get to know something about her family and friends, and chances are, you will find someone liberal enough to at least tolerate, and hopefully appreciate your "kink."
I've been on "both sides" of this discussion.... and can tell you, for certain, that IF you reveal your CD self to a prospective lady partner.... and IF she accepts that that is part of you... then you and she can have a great relationship..... in which (relationship) you and she can (both) "be who you are".... completely.... and it will be the BEST you could ever have imagined.....
Good luck...
I think that the problem most of us had is that we waited so long to tell our SO's and they felt betrayed or lied to. I actually started CDing after I got married but still waited about a year and a half to tell her. She grew to accept it but it posed some issues for a while.
I think mentioning it at the beginning is a wise choice. By not telling, the want to CD won't go away and you'll just have to hide it and you will probably eventually get caught and the above mentioned will happen or worse. Bring a marriage and kids into a worse case scenario and you're screwed. I'm not saying it's 1st date conversation, but it should happen pretty early on. She may not be into it, but she may respect it and if she does whoa buddy you've got a keeper.
@miss
Yes, I guess you're right in that I don't even know myself well enough to know how far exactly my CDing will take me and obviously I see how badly this could traumatize a long lasting relationship. It's why I despise some of those so called "pro trans, pro homosexual" people. They'll preach about their acceptance of people who defy societal norms until the cows come home, but once someone close to them announces their homosexuality, or transness/CDing, they go mad, but that's a whole nother story I guess.
Confusing world for us folks
OK I'm going to have to take exception with this comment. I does not make a lot of sense. You are saying that LGBTQ people have an extreme agenda to accept something until they are what and so on and some such? I am confused,Quote:
Originally Posted by mikeyp
@debstar, I should have been more clear, sorry. I'm saying most of the "normal" people in society. Those who are not Homosexual/TS/CDers, who also preach acceptance of everyone SOMETIMES can't handle the heat when it's someone close to them who is "afflicted" with one of these ailments. Everything is fine and dandy until it's someone inside your own circle you're dealing with. This is only some of them though of course.
There are also transphobic homosexuals and homophobic transexuals, lots of variance.
Oh yeah totally agree when you put it that way :)
Most of the replies here stress honesty as a fundamental element of a relationship. What I didn't understand 30 years ago when I met my SO, and still do not understand, is when you cross that threshold of bringing up crossdressing. I'm assuming that most of us wouldn't bring it up on the first date. Or maybe even the tenth. But if you wait until there is a flickering of permanency in the relationship, isn't it already too late?
I've pondered this question for many years and still do not have a clear picture of how I could have done it differently. My SO reminds me every so often that it would have been better for me to have told her in the beginning, but has never offered exactly when she would have been receptive to the news. I would love to be enlightened as to when this fleeting magical moment occurs and how to recognize it.
I never tell my wife about my crossdressing side and I'd have to tell you that I kind of regret it. We already married for almost 15 years now and I think it's too late for me to come out to her now.
Yes tell them!!!
My bf told me about it and I was thrilled. I'm a very open minded GG though...and I have my own differences from most GGs...like on the outside I'm pretty lady like aside from I only wear men's shirts lol...mentally I'm in between genders... I've felt like this ever since I was a kid. But I knew my bf was different...he's very caring and sweet...sensitive. I love it. We've been 100% honest with each other since we got together...we both came from bad, miserable marriages which helped force us into honesty with each other. We wanted this to be different. Anyways, I saw one of his video searches on his computer about a sissy boy (I'm nosy....all GGs are by design lol) and he just told me his fantasies and desires.
I've done everything I can to help him get more in touch with his femme side. I love it.
Tell her. She is devoting time and energy to the relationship, just as you are. If it is important to you, and she is against it, you both should know it early on. The hard part is trusting enough to "open" up about a part of you that isn't "Ozzie and Harriet" America. People are judgmental. Your eventual happiness, however, may be predicated on "finding a fit". Odds are, you won't find that fit unless you open up. Good luck!
I did not tell and when she did find out it took years to build the trust again. I should have told...marriage should be the melding of two people no secrets....
If I'm correct, you are looking for a woman thats not a "pro dominatrix" that will indulge your "sissy" fantasies. You might check out BDSM groups in your area. Many non pro dominant women belong to these groups. They meet in a safe setting and you can be honest about yourself.
mikeyp, I've had two instances in my life when that question has presented itself: to divulge, or not to divulge.
The first time, I was less than forthcoming about my dressing, and I ended up regretting it deeply.
The second time, many years later, I had learned my lesson. I was open and honest from the beginning of the relationship. Yes, it's like rolling the dice if you are not sure how this revelation will be received. Well, I rolled a seven (that's a good thing, right?) and she's been open and supportive. Lucky, lucky me.
Good luck to you.
Traci
Tell her very early before any kind of serious relationship starts. If you wait till your both emotionally invested, then it will be much harder if she leaves.