OMG my wife left me!

Jacie,Don't let it get you down all at once,just tackle one problem at a time.It sounds like employment and self survival need to be tops right now,then you won't be in a predicament with future child support.You can't change others perceptions of you,so don't crucify yourself over it,just step up to the plate and do what you can to best provide for your kids.Get together with an attorney so he can help you decide where you stand and what rights you have.You deserve the right to see your children.

Personally I still believe that honesty is the best policy. This person may have gotten the shaft for his honesty, but at the end of the day he could still face himself in the mirror. Lies and deciet, and this is my own personal opinion, lies and deciet have no place in a loving caring relationship. I am not going to sit here and preach about what others do, whether I agree or not. I haven't walked in their shoes. I don't know their circumstance.
But for me honesty and integrity are core values. No one can take my integrity, if I lose it it's because I gave it away. If I lie or am dishonest I diminish myself. I am not perfect and don't claim to be, nor do I judge others by my standards. it's just how I feel and how i try and live in this crazy world.

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Originally Posted by TV Wannabe

So I think I would call the police because she kidnapped your children. Divorce her and show no mercy.

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Hold on there, let's slow this train down a bit. The children have not been kidnapped. The mother is free to take them wherever she chooses as there has been no court decree saying otherwise. Unless of course she wishes to take them out of the county. If that were the case I do believe that she would in fact need the father's permission.
I am not an expert, but I did stay the night in a Holiday Inn Express. LOL

I'm so sorry, Jacie. I just want you to know that I can empathize with you. I hope, eventually, you can work things out with your wife. Please feel free to PM me if you need. I'm here to lend what little support I can.

Again, you all have been so supportive and I do appreciate it :)

I miss them badly :( and it does hurt, ALOT!!
I've been sitting in quiet house surrounded by memories and toys and all the stuff we've collected for almost 12 years and it just hurts. . .*sob* I wish I could do something to change it back this minute but I know its not possible and that is so depressing . . .

:(

I feel she may have left for good :( As I have tried to talk with her and express not only my need for councelling but also asked that she be open to change as well . . . I asked that we remove the computers from the house until we get the priorities in our relationship squared away . . .and she just rebelled and called me a "petty dictator" and said I was trying to ruin her livelyhood! *sigh* She started yelling at me and hung up the phone. We need to work things out, this I know but I don't want to be the only one changing just to satisfy her and see her just going on like I was the only one at fault. I think she is equally responsible for the condition of our marriage and it is not just me or Jacie that is the root cause of our problems. This is like someone else said "just the icing on the cake". or the final straw!

I feel she is not ready to change and If I just give in I am enabling her and allowing her to remain in a state that I feel is wrong . . . her writing which she says she is trying to make a career out of I feel has taken priority to her family's health and the health of our relationship but she still doesn't see it yet . . . she is still blaming me as the root cause of our decaying relationship. She wants me to change but at the same time I think she understands this may be very difficult as she knows that Jacie is a part of me . . .and has been kept inside for a very long time,

Am I wrong? I understand my faults -- yelling and verbal abuse done to try to motivate and and force the children to do their part in helping restore order to a messy house was wrong in every case! I understand this occurred due to pent up anger and stress on my part having to constantly be the "mother" after work in order to restore order so I could relax. . . We are definitely different in personality and have struggled to this end from the beginning, it has gotten worse as her writing has increased and her life has become busy. I feel she is overwhelmed and doesn't know how to cope with this and keep her writing career on track at the same time.

I am struggling with this whole matter . . .I have her wanting me to change to get her husband back and I have my family wanting me to change from what they are calling an "addiction" or a "sickness" .. Everyone around me is wanting me to bury Jacie and that is what I am struggling with as I sit here "dressed" while writing this post . . . I am Jacie . . . I am Jason . . . I'm me and that is the truth. I feel so good as Jacie that I cannot bear to bury her :( *sob* but yet I miss my kids as well!

I sit here looking at their clothes and toys and am truly saddened that I cannot give them a hug or kiss, tickle them or just look into their eyes and tell them that I love them. I can't kiss my wife and tell her how much I love her and ask her about her day or just talk about whatever she is doing. . .they age gone! *sob*

Yes I am stuck here in this quiet house and just can't bear the sound of this silence. I am truly a mess!!

Thank you for the direction . . .I understand there are things I must do to keep myself afloat amidst the feelings of loss and sadness and will be working to that end starting tomorrow . . .I was just taking some time to feel all this out and get my bearing on the direction I should go. . .I now know I must take care of myself first in order to provide for my kids in the future . . .times will be hard and I am sure I will be the brunt of the hardship as her family is very vindictive and protective of their own . . .they are Sicilians and I know I should be prepared for the worst. Who knows what they are saying about me now. . .

I will end this for now just know that I am truly grateful for all the well wishes. . . I hope something from my little ol situation will help someone else :)

Feel free to contact me through MSN messanger i you'd like . . . you all have been so thoughtful.

http://divorcecare.com I went to this group while I was going thru my divorce, it covers every aspect of divorce and also covers reconciliation. It's run at different churches, you don't need to join the church or even go, but it covers lots of stuff. Very worthwhile to look into it. It will help you deal with the pain and the questions why.

Another word of advice is to talk with everyone about your wife leaving, its very carthartic, you realize very quickly that you are not the only one to be experiencing this. You'll find that this happens far to often. When I was initially going thru my divorce I told no one but my mother, at work I was useless, I cried in my office, couldn't function. After 2 months I told someone at work and I had so much support from others that the pain started going away, simply thru talking with others. If you need to talk real time email me and I can call on my dime.

Take care of yourself Jacie and know your wife's leaving has nothing to do with your dressing, it sounds like there is more to it than that. Some of what you said in your posts seems so much like some of what I experienced.
Kimberly :battingeyelashes:

I have just gone through a divorce. My situation is very close to yours. Except my kids were grown. You have gotten some good advice here and some bad. You have a lot of work ahead of you, you are in for one hell of a roll-a-coaster ride. That my friend I am sure of. I am also sure that it will take a long time for it to stop or at least slow down. Some days you will be happy, then like a ton of bricks you will be so sad you can't stand it. You are going to have to make a lot of decisions. Take you time and think things through. You may think that you are mentally fine but you are not. And you wont be for some time. Just do the best you can with what you have and do not turn to the bottle. That is not the answer. Trust me on that one. Take a deep breath and say little prayers. The serenity prayer helped me a lot and I mean a lot. Because it is so true. if you wish I will send it to you. pm me any time love paulaN

having gone through the pain of divorce and the separation from my children, i can imagine what you are going through right now. i can only tell you to try to control your emotions and don't let things get out of hand. hard to do i know. good luck to you and best wishes.

Jacie - There is a lot of good advice. The one thing I want to add is to be careful with your decisions. You have a lot of emotions flowing and it can make it hard to think through things well. If something comes up and you don't have to deal with it, then don't! Stick with what is important. I know you have already come out to your mother, but I would recommend that you stop there. You have decided not to tell anyone during gentler times, so trust that thought process.

So please take care of yourself. You are worth it and you need to be there for yourself. Then think about what is best for your kids. Everyone else can take care of themselves, but you are the only one there for you and the kids, so concentrate on that.

Best of luck to you. This won't be an easy road but trust in yourself and your inner strength. :hugs:

I am beginning to wonder if outing myself to my mother was such a good thing :eek:

I guess it was a moment of insanity or raw emotion. . .I was feeling guilty as that seemed to be a part of the reason she left -- or the most recent reason . . .I have been hard on our oldest child in the past and have in my wifes eyes been verbally abusive to both her and the children . As I have shared, she is at fault for some things that over the years may have led to our decaying relationship as well. But, Jacie has made it easier for her to "escape" and I feel the full guilt of this burden. and it hurts.

So in order to fully answer my mothers questions of why she left I had to "out myself" in order to clear my conscience and fill in the story of why she left and took the children with her. My mother was already aware of the past problems we have been having in our marriage for many years -- she's seen our struggles first hand so she knows that it is not just me that is at fault. This was just the last straw.

I just wonder if telling her was such a good thing. . . because now she thinks i'm sick and need to be cured of my addiction to "dressing like a woman". How can I tell her Jacie is a part of me and not just something that can be curable? like my wife correctly said:

"her face is my face."

I can put her stuff in a box for a time but that box will always be there and Jacie will always be with me . . and she will be harder to suppress now that I have been out and tasted freedom. . . and enjoyed it!

I say all this as I'm struggling what to do . . .it'd be nice to get them back but at what cost and I am not sure I could keep Jacie buried forever. . . this is my new struggle!

call the cops!

As everyone else has stated. I am so sorry for your situation. It is so regrettable that this happens. the children are the ones to pay the most terrible price in the long run. No matter who is at fault or how amicable it turns out. We (the members of this site) are here to support you in anyway that we can. Unfortunately it may not be enough from me since I am no where near your area. But my thoughts and prayers will be for all involved. I have been through it twice with kids caught in the crossfire. Good Luck. Hope you can weather the storm that is coming.

Jacie, my heart goes out to you right now.

I haven't been through a separation, so I have nothing to say on that that hasn't already been said by others here. However, I am married to a creative over-achiever, and know that balance can be hard to attain (speaking of myself equally with my partner). You need time for Jason AND Jacie; she needs time to write; you both need time with the kids and each other. Remember, when people are 80 and looking back, you never hear them say "well, I wish I had kept the house neater." The relationships are what matter, and hopefully Jacie helps you be a better husband, father, and person to whom people want to relate to in either mode (as evidenced by the outpouring of support here on the forum).

Keep trying to communicate and be helpful, and stick to the moral high-road (including, of course, being true to yourself, i.e. Jacie).

I wish you peace and clarity of thought and purpose-
~~Robin

PS- read up on Jung's anima theory of alternate personas created by our minds to fulfill needs that society scoffs at- some days I feel that I'm integrating Robin well into my everyday existence (in male mode) and I don't have an urge to CD. It well help with Mom, too.

Sometimes life sucks! Then it gets worse. It sounds like you and your wife still care about each other because the whole situation is dramatic...she wants to get your attention. Instead of making any concessions, what you need to do is get talking...maybe do counciling together, do some things that you both like, etc. etc. Don't try to change her, just find a different solution (hire a maid?). Then, since you are not trying to change her, she should learn to understand not to try to change you too. Best of luck.

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Originally Posted by Jacie2b

There always is more to the story and here adds to the disaster, MY wife has a hard time with putting her priorities in order. Sure. she gives us some time but her priorities are out- of-whack. She doesn't take care of herself that well, no makeup, no dresses, no skirts, no real feminine attitude for the most part. Also, she gets so wrapped up that often the house is left in a wreck and I have to be the one to fix the mess -- dishes in the sink, carpets a mess, laundry pled to a mountain heap, kids rooms a mess, and all -around chaos. I could go on but that is a taste of my life.

So here comes the other part of my guilt . . . When I get home and see this mess I go crazy and keep it all inside as I have tried to tell her this is a problem and she listens only for a while -- then its back to the same ol' way. I am sorry to say there are times when I get mad to the extent that I am verbally abusive to her and sometimes the older children. . .I know this is wrong! I try hard to stop this behavior but the lack of help on her part is just too much to take sometimes. And to think she has had the nerve to say that I don't help with the children! Wow that hurts.

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I'm sorry for all of you, Jacie. You and you wife, and your children.

It does take 2 people to make a marriage work and to break it apart. I know. I've been through it. In my view, unless there has been abusive behavior, both partners are equally responsible. The biggest problem is being unable to work through having unrealistic expectations of each other.

I wish you all the best and I hope your divorce will be amicable, for the sake of your kids. I also hope they will see both of you equally. They still need you both.
:love:

So sorry to hear of your trouble Jacie. Please remember "this to shall pass"
Stay well!

Kelsy:hugs:

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Originally Posted by Jacie2b

I am struggling with this whole matter . . .I have her wanting me to change to get her husband back and I have my family wanting me to change from what they are calling an "addiction" or a "sickness" .. Everyone around me is wanting me to bury Jacie and that is what I am struggling with as I sit here "dressed" while writing this post . . . I am Jacie . . . I am Jason . . . I'm me and that is the truth. I feel so good as Jacie that I cannot bear to bury her *sob* but yet I miss my kids as well!

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The fact that you're cd-ed while you're writing this post says something to me. Sometimes life is about priorities. Sometimes you can't always have what you want, if you want something else. I think you have to make a choice about what your true priority is - crossdressing or your family.

Donna,

I trust you did read the beginning part of what you quoted. I am struggling with this whole matter . . .Yes I do want them back and there will have to be sacrifices on both ends . . . I am just not certain how things will be worked out yet.

Pouring salt into an open wound is definately not something I need right now . . . I do understand that I may have to "closet" my dressing in order to get them back . . .I just pray that she is willing to change her part in this whole relationship.

I was writing while "dressed" as Jacie is still a part of me and I feel more at peace as Jacie during this tough time -- If that is wrong? then what do you suggest I do to cope!

I can empisize with your situation. Although my SO didn't move out (I got movement orders instead) the termoral/feeling were the same. There is a lot of good advise and some exsteam, you need to identify/list all items that apply to you and your situation and start doing something about them. As far as counceling, get going know, either way (diveorce/reconcilation) it is determintal to you (emotional well being) or getting your kids (court custody issue). NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, the kids need the best protection/care possible. As far as your mother, sorry for being burtal but tell her to bug off. The time for her imposing (teaching) her views is over and you have to live with your decisions. Sorry for being so blunt, pick yourself up by your bootstraps if needbe and move on. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, it does hurt (deviorce/reconciliation) but the kids need a functional family (you and/or you and SO if possible) to provide the best protection/care possible. If needed you can PM me, I have a big shoulder.

Hugs
Alice

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Originally Posted by Jacie2b

Pouring salt into an open wound is definately not something I need right now . . . I do understand that I may have to "closet" my dressing in order to get them back . . .I just pray that she is willing to change her part in this whole relationship.

I was writing while "dressed" as Jacie is still a part of me and I feel more at peace as Jacie during this tough time -- If that is wrong? then what do you suggest I do to cope!

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This isn't about "pouring salt into an open wound". It's about trying to help someone with reasonable advice. Maybe you're not able to realistically see from her perspective, what's gone down here.
I've been thru a divorce after 20 yrs of marriage. When my wife first left I was so devastated I couldn't even think, much less think about cd-ing. You keep saying "Jacie is still a part of me", well that's fine, maybe that's what you really want more than anything. If that's what you really want - go for it.
I'm not judging you. But it sounds you need to make a choice.

Maybe your Mom was right. It really wouldn't hurt to see a counselor.

Hey Jacie, So sorry to hear about all the trouble that has come your way last week. Looks like you've got lots of good thoughts, ideas for consideration, etc. So, I'll just add that I'm thinking of you and will pray for things to work out for you.

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Originally Posted by donnaking

The fact that you're cd-ed while you're writing this post says something to me. Sometimes life is about priorities. Sometimes you can't always have what you want, if you want something else. I think you have to make a choice about what your true priority is - crossdressing or your family.

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This simplistic stance always gets me (no disrespect intended Donna), Yes, we could almost always save a marriage by quitting. So are the two choices quit something (which the vast majority can't) or lose your family? Wow, how easy does that sound? Just do it Jacie, no problem.

Seriously, that is one answer, if you can do it. Only you can decide that. What is the point, though, of getting the wife and family back, claiming that you have quit, when you know that more than likely, you will dress again? I guess you could try and keep it in the closet, but then you are being dishonest, which as well all know, is even worse.

If you can get to counseling with her, it may be possible to come to some compromise. If, however, she wants no counseling for herself, and only wants it for you, than i believe you will have an ongoing problem. The good news is, that over time, some wives will begin to learn more about the issue, and actually come to terms with it, and make compromises in the name of love.

I would just keep trying to work for reconciliation, if that's what you want. It's a very sad thing for a family to split. So I hope you two can work it out. Hang in there. Divorce happens to many people (I know that doesn't help) for a great many reasons. People do get through it, and so shall you if it happens. Be strong, be patient, and look after yourself.

JACIE - I feel so sorry for you, Sister. It looks like your whole world has

caved in on you in the last week. I wish that your Spouse and your Mother

were well versed in Crossdressing - we are not crazy - we are not monsters -

we did not ask to be born this way - we did not wake up one day and

announce to the world, "I think I'll be a Crossdresser the rest of my life."

We are human beings who have more than our share of grief, shame, guilt,

misunderstanding, secrecy, loneliness, anxiety, depression, humiliation - no

one particularly likes us - and yet this is something innate within us and we

have no one to talk with, and no one to cry with, and we long so much for

someone to love us as we are - and yet, most of society, our families, our

children, our spouses, our friends can't and don't even want to take time to

try to understand the gurting that we endure.

I'm so sorry to hear that your Spouse left and your mother wants you to go

to counseling - don't they know that we cannot ever do away with or stop

crossdressing ! It is part of us - who we are and will always be.

I just don't know whatelse to say except that I love you as my sister and

always will.


JoAnne Wheeler

Jacie - It must be rough to all the sudden loose a family like this. Perhaps time will at least let you share in the life of your children.

The most important thing to know is that you must be true to yourself. It took cancer to make me realize this. I am still battling the dreaded C but I am not happy with my CDing self.

hugs and warm wishes - Maggie

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Originally Posted by TV Wannabe

So I think I would call the police because she kidnapped your children. Divorce her and show no mercy.

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I concur with this, and despite a later poster's comment that the court would rake you (the OP) over the coals over CDing when it comes out in court, it's a necessary step. Whether you call the police, or file a motion with the court, or what have you, this is a needed step. Consider; you've told us your wife has essentially emotionally abandoned you and your family. Do you really want your kids growing up in that environment? Especially the special needs child?????

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Originally Posted by Kimberly51

As far as the job loss, do what you need to do to survive. File for Unemployment benefit's, seek out a good lawyer, remember the legal ramifications of what she is doing. If you had a shared home she still needs to pay half the mortgage till the divorce, Put a marital block on credit cards, call the companies involved tell them you are separated and have a block put on the cards, so she can't charge up your credit to the max. With the lawyers help if your wife also worked you may be able to get alimony from her while you are un-employed. I will tell you bluntly that she will have her friends telling her, to get everything from you, that is possible. You need to start protecting your half of assets. Take half of your money out of all savings and checking accounts and open your own in your name only. Document on paper what the account balance was before and after. This shows the court that you left her half. As far as IRA accounts etc. document the account balance as of DOS (Date of Separation) very important. Above all have marital block put on the accounts or possibly have the accounts separated into separate accounts, one in your name only and one in her name only.

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What Kimberly says here is very important. If you're not careful, your wife could seriously screw your kids over without even realizing it, not to mention what it will do to you.

You've got a LOT of footwork to do right now. Get busy. Plus, finding a job is now your full time job.

As painful as this all is (and yes, what you are going through is excruciating) you've got to keep your head together and FOCUS.

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Originally Posted by Jacie2b

I just wonder if telling her was such a good thing. . . because now she thinks i'm sick and need to be cured of my addiction to "dressing like a woman". How can I tell her Jacie is a part of me and not just something that can be curable?

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You can't. You could, but she won't accept. At least, not on your terms or time line. You've put it out to her. It's up to her to do something with it, and she's decided you're sick.

For now, your mother's opinions about you are the least of your troubles. Start working on protecting your kids and yourself.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jacie2b

I say all this as I'm struggling what to do . . .it'd be nice to get them back but at what cost and I am not sure I could keep Jacie buried forever. . . this is my new struggle!

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Separate crossdressing from your troubles. You've zoomed in on crossdressing as the fountain of your troubles. It isn't. Your wife will use it against you in court, but it's readily defeatable by any good lawyer. What you do is not illegal, and doesn't make you a bad parent any more than having sex in unusual positions. Your kids aren't privy to your crossdressing and it does not impinge on your ability to be a good father. A good lawyer can rake your wife's lawyer over the coals on that. Demand they produce documentation showing any connection whatsoever to being a bad father and crossdressing.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jacie2b

I was writing while "dressed" as Jacie is still a part of me and I feel more at peace as Jacie during this tough time -- If that is wrong? then what do you suggest I do to cope!

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It isn't wrong. I'm seeing a recurring trend in your writings. You're viewing crossdressing as sick and wrong yourself. STOP IT. What is sick and wrong is a mother with four kids abandoning her husband and their father via text messaging, a mother who can barely take care of herself much less a special needs child. She is acting grossly selfish and is not acting in the best interests of the children.

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Originally Posted by donnaking

This isn't about "pouring salt into an open wound". It's about trying to help someone with reasonable advice. Maybe you're not able to realistically see from her perspective, what's gone down here.
I've been thru a divorce after 20 yrs of marriage. When my wife first left I was so devastated I couldn't even think, much less think about cd-ing. You keep saying "Jacie is still a part of me", well that's fine, maybe that's what you really want more than anything. If that's what you really want - go for it.
I'm not judging you. But it sounds you need to make a choice.

Maybe your Mom was right. It really wouldn't hurt to see a counselor.

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Donna,

I am sorry, I do understand you are just trying to help. And I do understand from her perspective . . .she just wants her husband back . . . completely! She wants me to change and wants everything back to the way it was . . . however, she fails to see her part in the cause of our marital decay. She IS equally to blame as she too has changed her priorities from her family to her Novel writing and helped to cause this division -- yet she doesn't see it! To her, I am the only one at fault and that is just not so. She claims that I am the abusive "petty dictator that is trying to ruin her livelyhood". This being said, I feel that if I do promise to change and go to counseling, she will still continue on her current path . This is what is troubling me about the whole mess. Finally, I have put my foot down and now I am beginning to wonder if reconciliation will even work :(

Do we need counseling . . .yes. but since she is hundreds of miles away it is impossible to say if she will even attempt to get good counsel. But apart from that even for me, I have recently lost my job as well so it is impossible for me to afford professional counseling at this time -- I'd go if I could but sadly I am stuck!

You keep saying "Jacie is still a part of me", well that's fine, maybe that's what you really want more than anything. I guess for me it is a little different I don't see my being dressed en femme as a "hobby", For me, its not like an on/off switch. And maybe that is part of the problem . . . I have changed my whole attitude and not just my clothing. My femme clothing is just the outward expression of my inner self and that is how I live each day! I have changed over my clothing in order to show how I truly feel inside and that is something that doesn't get switched on or off -- it is now me!

It is difficult to handle and I do think the stress of this change may have been too great for her to bear and for that I am guilty but as I stated she has faults of her own and those faults may have made it easier for me to latch on to my femme self and my own exploration to this end has now helped to create this mess.

I bear the guilt of this entirely on my shoulders and It hurts me deeply to know that I may have driven the final stake into our alredy fragile marriage.

I am soo hurt and depressed :(