Telling the SO, Bad Reaction, Giving up CD'ing

I want to share some of my experience with my telling my wife about my crossdressing. In short it has not gone well, and right now my marriage is in doubt because of it. I've told her she is more important to me than the cd'ing, and she's taken me at my word. So the clothes are all gone, I've promised to renounce crossdressing, and I've even started therapy sessions to reinforce my quitting.

Quick recap: On July 5 I craft a nice 4 page letter telling my story, expressing my love, how important she is, how I'm not gay, I don't want to become a woman, etc, etc. The first thing she does after reading one page is run to the bathroom to throw up. While she finishes reading it all she can say is "No, no, no, no, ..." I haven't been able to touch her since, we haven't had sex since, and she's pretty much said we won't until she gets things worked out. I've tried to get her to talk to someone several times but she doesn't think she should have to do anything.

Almost a month later and I'm depressed, she won't hardly talk to me, and although she hasn't gone to any lawyers there is no sign of any move to try to make it better. I guess at least the part about not going to lawyers at this point is a good sign. The ironic thing is, one of her lines while she was reading ithe letter after I had said something about being truthful above all else was, "Sometimes a lie is better than the truth."

So, here I am at a crossroad having told the truth and having wrecked what used to be a wonderful marriage. As they say, no good deed goes unpunished...

More as the story unfolds,
Georgi

Ouch!

I will pray for you both!

Ooooh!! That's not good. You might want to see your doctor, to get some help for your depression. Don't let it get the best of you. Good luck..BJ

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Originally Posted by Georgi

Almost a month later and I'm depressed, she won't hardly talk to me, and although she hasn't gone to any lawyers there is no sign of any move to try to make it better.

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It sounds a little bit like you're trying to shift responsibility here. Some women will never "come around" to understanding a CD husband. Her viewpoint is probably she married a man - not a woman - and not even a man who sometimes dresses like a woman. And, she is 100% justified in feeling that way.
If you have truly given up CDing and want to mend the fence, that's one thing. If you're waiting for her to show some sign of acceptance, that may never happen.

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Originally Posted by JenniferB

If you have truly given up CDing and want to mend the fence, that's one thing. If you're waiting for her to show some sign of acceptance, that may never happen.

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Oh I don't disagree a bit with you about her acceptance. She will likely never accept my being a crossdresser and that's fine. What I'm hoping for is that someday (soon, hoepfully) she will be able to accept that I once was a crossdresser. If not, then this whole act of truthfulness was one total royal f*%kup on my part.

Thx,
Georgi

I am sorry to hear of your situation at the moment and do not think there is much i could say that would be helpful at the moment getting your wife to understand anything about it is going to be quite hard at the moment as she needs time to adjust lets just hope it is in the right way for you both .

Georgi,

That is so sad; you must be in such pain. It appears you have been marred awhile which makes this more difficult for everyone. Part of me wants to offer some advice to fix this, and then the female side of me only wants to cry. You obviously love your wife very much, which was at least part of your motivation to be honest with her. Yet, your wife is treating this as you broke the trust between you and become something she deplores.

I understand your desire to stop dressing to save your marriage and I am sure you have tired to stop many times and know how difficult it is. I was told by a therapist once we can not stop being a CD but we might be able to stop dressing. A Few years ago through therapy and meditation everyday I was able to find contentment without dressing that lasted about 18 months. But I was never able to not be CD and eventually started dressing again.

The only thing you have to offer your wife right now is time however painful that is for both of you. I like to be optimistic and think you two will find a way to work this out. I like to believe your wife will see what you are doing as an act of love but in your note you also I sense you understand the reality of this happing.

Thanks for reaching out, even though we can only give you words and our thoughts.

Hugs,
Patti

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Originally Posted by Georgi

She will likely never accept my being a crossdresser and that's fine. .

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Giorgi - I am sorry to see how this worked out for you. That is why I want others on here to be very careful in evaluating the ramifications of coming out to an SO.

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Originally Posted by Georgi

What I'm hoping for is that someday (soon, hoepfully) she will be able to accept that I once was a crossdresser

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This is where she needs to find some compassion. You have made a significant committment to change and yet she still might not be able to let it go. That's what's really sad. Best of luck, my friend. I hope things can work out for you.

[SIZE="3"]

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Originally Posted by Georgi

Oh I don't disagree a bit with you about her acceptance. She will likely never accept my being a crossdresser and that's fine. What I'm hoping for is that someday (soon, hoepfully) she will be able to accept that I once was a crossdresser. If not, then this whole act of truthfulness was one total royal f*%kup on my part.

Thx,
Georgi

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You've been married to her for this whole time, kept this part of yourself hidden so well that she never even knew it existed and then you want her to instantly accept you're no longer doing it?! :eek:

Not only does she probably feel like she doesn't know you at all, she probably feels stupid for never seeing it! There's a good chance she feels completely duped in this how thing and that if you can keep something like cding a secret, who knows what else there is.

Listen, I know its can't be easy but posting things like "not good deed goes unpunished" isn't necessary. A good deed would have been to say something from the start. But you no longer have that option. So give it some time. A month is hardly enough time to accept all this. You've had your whole life, and you've given her 30 days!

I wish you the best of luck with everything and I'm truly sorry you're hurting but so is she.

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Originally Posted by Miss Misery

Giorgi - I am sorry to see how this worked out for you. That is why I want others on here to be very careful in evaluating the ramifications of coming out to an SO.

This is where she needs to find some compassion. You have made a significant committment to change and yet she still might not be able to let it go. That's what's really sad. Best of luck, my friend. I hope things can work out for you.

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Its not a matter of compassion or if it is, it should be the other way around. She just spent her marriage believing she knew her husband so well. She thought she knew their life, their roles, their future. Now she's had that blown to bits in a matter of a few paragraphs on paper. She is no doubt feeling as if she's going insane and that she somehow married someone she actually never knew. That's not an easy task.

How would you feel if you were married for a few years and found out your wife was a stripper the entire time? How easy would that be? Would you assume there's nothing sexual about it? Would you feel lied to and deceived? Would you feel she shared a part of herself with a whole other group of people you never knew and not with you?

Its the deceit far more than it just being the clothing, though I have no doubt that plays a huge factor. [/SIZE]

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Originally Posted by DemonicDaughter

She just spent her marriage believing she knew her husband so well. She thought she knew their life, their roles, their future. Now she's had that blown to bits in a matter of a few paragraphs on paper. She is no doubt feeling as if she's going insane and that she somehow married someone she actually never knew.

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We don't know that any of this is what she believes or feels but can only assume from her reaction that this is true.

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Originally Posted by DemonicDaughter

Its not a matter of compassion or if it is, it should be the other way around.

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No, I have to disagree here. Giorgi has done what he can, albeit not as soon as some here think is appropriate, BUT he did put it out there AND is going to stop or trying to. Now the ball is in her court so to speak. She can show some compassion for his struggle regardless of whether she decides whether or not she can stay married to him. I think her behavior has more to do with the repulsion at the thought of men dressing as women more than the deceit.

In fact, I think this point about the deceit being the issue is sort of a "red herring" - Sure no one wants to feel deceived by their spouse but isn't it also about the nature of the deception that causes the hurt.

Example- If a husband said he was working late every Monday night but was actually going down to the pub with the boys to watch Monday Night Football, that's deceiving but I doubt it would receive the same response that the same scenario would if that husband admitted that he'd been dressing up as a woman on those Monday nights. What's the difference? I guess you could say the CD thing is a "double deception" - what he was doing on Monday nights AND being a CD.

My point is it seems disingenuous to put all the SO's hurt on the act of deception itself - it does have to do with the nature of the deception - in this case being a CD. Not the same thing as being a closet trumpet player.:)

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Originally Posted by DemonicDaughter

How would you feel if you were married for a few years and found out your wife was a stripper the entire time? How easy would that be? Would you assume there's nothing sexual about it? Would you feel lied to and deceived? Would you feel she shared a part of herself with a whole other group of people you never knew and not with you?

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A stripper is being compared to a CD? One is totally based on performance for others enjoyment while the other can be done without involving anyone else. What if you found out she liked to wear men's clothing? Not so dramatic. How is a CDer automatically sharing with a whole group of people his spouse never knew? - a stripper, sure.

Whew - I'm getting worn out. But my last comment is, as individuals we can choose to accept others with their human bagage or not. We make foolish mistakes and try to make amends when possible but acceptance ultimately lies in the heart of the individual. All any of us can do is wish Giorgi luck.

tell her you will listen to the counselors advice and are open to compromise if she is (sounds like yu have nothing to lose at this point). they are often like lawyers and judges, making the goal mid point...anybody not willing to compromise is the bad guy. And some fine points, should anything legal ensue later:
1. Make the suggestion to her in another "love letter", keep a copy so it can be used as evidence that you were trying to work the issues (and open to compromise (even if you are reserved in that respect))
2. The counsellor may be your best ally in court someday.
I sincerely hope it doesn't come to that, but you'd be better off loaded for bear and not need it, plus it may desuade her from seeking legal counsel later (Divorce can be a little like Global Thermal Nuclear War...and mutual anyahlation can be a legitimate deterrent).
When I presented it to my wife, I put it in a light that "I nearly totally suppressed this for the first 15 years of marriage and if the counsellor says I am damaged goods, I'll continue with the counsellor to FIX ME", ...and this is the most important part: "Because our love is to important... etc..."
That will put a bandaid on the immediate danger
I seriously doubt any counsellor (with experience) labelling YOU as Broken... although they may reccomend You compromise, to patronize her and get HER to meet half way. I mean, wouldn't that be wonderful... it's half of the battle. If she gets to a healthy place, the rest is just time and you lovin the girl real good for some years after the initial shock. Tell her this deep dark secret makes you both much closer... think of the trust required and the big chance you took, etc... And keep echoing "Our love and communication comes FIRST. PS: You don't have to agree and believe in all this stuff... never forget, Marriage and relationships are the biggest negotiation in life. Engage the marriage and family counsellors BEFORE the Attorney/ Legal Counsellors enter the stage. With Love and Respect, Virginia.

Georgi, first, I am SO very sorry for what you are going through. I can only imagine the hurt that both of you are feeling right now, and I truly hope you're able to find a way through this.

Second, please, please consider asking your wife to see a counselor with you. You're both going through something very intense, and this is going to impact you emotionally for a long time to come. Unless you're able to communicate extremely well on this topic by yourself, you need someone who can help lead the conversations that need to happen.

From what I can gather from your comments, it sounds like both of you are trying to enter some sort of denial. You, that you're not a crossdresser anymore, and for your wife, that you never shared this information with her in the first place. Pushing this under the rug will not help either of you, or your marriage. You need to work through the emotions that you're both feeling with someone equipped to help you with the tools you'll need, preferably someone experienced with gender issues. Otherwise, I would fear that you'll both end up feeling a lot of resentment. You, that "she made" you give up crossdressing (if only b/c of her response), and her that you had not shared this with her sooner.

Of course only you can know what is right for you and your wife, but I hope you'll consider this among your options.

Best of luck,
Cat

This will probably get deleted. But, take it as general observation about this kind of thing in general. He has already played his cards and it really doesn't matter much what any of us says to HIM now.


OK, first, why are you sharing this with us - and promising updates - if CDing is behind you and you're saving your marriage? Is this part of some ebook you're working on?

Second, I'd like to see this "nice" four page letter. Nice? I HATE the "letter" gambit. Gutless, thoughtless, and, clueless. Say it don't play it. Think how long someone will be going down that page to hell. And, get a clue what she expects - NOT a letter! How about some conversation... You know, the one you've been skipping since she met you?

I'd divorce you. There would be no way around it. Why stay with a bonehead?

This is no crossroad. The is a sign in the road.

And, this is no good deed, it's just a deed.

Boo!

What else is on?

[SIZE="3"]

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Originally Posted by Miss Misery

We don't know that any of this is what she believes or feels but can only assume from her reaction that this is true.

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It might be an assumption but it is a highly logical one. There would be few other ranges of emotions for her to feel if the OP's description of her reaction is true. And being its an extremely common reaction expressed on here by many GGs its not to much of an assumption.

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No, I have to disagree here. Giorgi has done what he can, albeit not as soon as some here think is appropriate, BUT he did put it out there AND is going to stop or trying to. Now the ball is in her court so to speak. She can show some compassion for his struggle regardless of whether she decides whether or not she can stay married to him.

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I meant that Giorgi needs to give his wife more time than simply a month to come to grips with things. Compassion should be both ways but making it sound like his wife has none for him is also just as harsh. She might have compassion for his struggle but so must he show some for hers as well.

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I think her behavior has more to do with the repulsion at the thought of men dressing as women more than the deceit.

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I believe that's a bigger assumption than I was making!

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In fact, I think this point about the deceit being the issue is sort of a "red herring" - Sure no one wants to feel deceived by their spouse but isn't it also about the nature of the deception that causes the hurt.

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Does that play a factor that he's a CDer? Of course. But is the lies and deceit a "red herring"? You'll be hard pressed to find a GG on this site who has gone through something similar who would agree with that. Many GGs on here express how they might have had a much easier time accepting the CDing had they not felt they had been lied to for so long.

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Example- If a husband said he was working late every Monday night but was actually going down to the pub with the boys to watch Monday Night Football, that's deceiving but I doubt it would receive the same response that the same scenario would if that husband admitted that he'd been dressing up as a woman on those Monday nights. What's the difference? I guess you could say the CD thing is a "double deception" - what he was doing on Monday nights AND being a CD.

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Actually, I think it would elicit the same response, but here's why... claiming your working late but really going to a pub can easily be interpreted as you going there to meet up with someone for extra marital activities and CDing often implies that to a GG who doesn't know anything about CDing. Its an assumption on many GGs' part that CDing is primarily sexual.

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My point is it seems disingenuous to put all the SO's hurt on the act of deception itself - it does have to do with the nature of the deception - in this case being a CD. Not the same thing as being a closet trumpet player.:)

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I think its incorrect to assume it would be only CDing that would elicit the reaction. It could be anything that makes a partner feel that there is something sexual going on or an implication that the marriage isn't "enough".

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A stripper is being compared to a CD? One is totally based on performance for others enjoyment while the other can be done without involving anyone else. What if you found out she liked to wear men's clothing? Not so dramatic. How is a CDer automatically sharing with a whole group of people his spouse never knew? - a stripper, sure.

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Actually, stripping can be done in private as well but that's neither here or there. And I've tried the men's clothing argument and all I ever get met with is the "I'd love it if my wife did that! I'd get to be the woman!" So I don't bother with that one anymore. I don't think comparing it to a stripper is dramatic either being most of the strippers I know don't go home with any of the customers, aren't into men most of the time and are doing it to feel attractive and/or make money.

And even being here on forums is sharing CDing with people outside the marriage. Being its not uncommon for many CDers now a days to be on forums like this, its not a stretch of the imagination to make such a statement. Especially since the OP stated he was giving it up to his wife and yet is on here sharing the experience (this is in no way saying he shouldn't, just making an example).

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Whew - I'm getting worn out. But my last comment is, as individuals we can choose to accept others with their human bagage or not. We make foolish mistakes and try to make amends when possible but acceptance ultimately lies in the heart of the individual. All any of us can do is wish Giorgi luck.

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Don't get worn out! These debates are great for other's to learn from! :D I think its thought provoking answers that make the best threads. But I digress a bit...

I agree with your last statement. :)[/SIZE]

I don't mean to sound insensitive, just realistic. From what you have posted and what it sounds like, you haven't been playing the devils advocate here and looked at your other option... Have you considered leaving her? If this is truly a core part of who you are and what you do then she should be accepting. Beyond the fact that you should have been honest with her MUCH sooner in the relationship and definitely told her before you two were ever even considering marriage, the tough fact is, if she doesn't support you in living an alternative lifestyle and you are committed to that lifestyle, then perhaps you should find someone who is. I know there is a lot of history and love in a marriage, however it has been said a thousand times about coming out to friends "If you come out to a friend and they reject you, were they really your friend?" The same thing applies here, if she can't accept you, isn't willing to even talk about the possibility of working something out, then perhaps you should seek your happiness elsewhere. Why should you or ANYONE have to sacrifice who they are as a person to make someone else happy?

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Originally Posted by mklinden2010

I'd divorce you. There would be no way around it. Why stay with a bonehead?

This is no crossroad. The is a sign in the road.

And, this is no good deed, it's just a deed.

Boo!

What else is on?

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I hope they don't delete your comment cause thats the kind of wake up call he needs. I've felt this way exactly about all the married cd's who kept it from their wives. It is way too big of a secret to hide from a wife. You all know they deserve better then that.

Letters are how my family likes to deal with big problems and I absolutely hate it. It makes me feel like I'm not worth you saying it to my face how you really feel about something. I can't even imagine using one to tell your wife something like this. That just feels like it's a real slap in the face to the woman.

Georgi, other than untimely death, or grave illness, this will be the greatest emotional earthquake you will experience...and you probably never realized that just following a personal footpath could cause someone you love so much anguish. I have no advice to offer, only empathy from one of many of us who may have in some way been through something not too different..

Hi babe, I can sympathize with your dilemma. I have lost my wife partially to my being TG even without her knowing. But that fact doesn't help you, what is though genuine is the fact you have spoken the truth. Never ever under any circumstance regret truth. You are extremely strong individual committing your self to this act, if that isn't enough to earn respect and devotion, nothing will. I can not judge nor would I do so, our perspective on life and needs are so foreign to people who never given any thought to this subject. From my experience trying to make life dissipate our truth and live under regime of "gone from my life forever" theme, does not work. It is within us, as much as our heart beat, color of eyes, our needs and wants. You can quit drinking but you never quit the feeling you know, and pleasure once felt. Ask your self, did the truth you spoke brake the bond of love or has it lifted dark cloud from your soul. I am a great believer of things to come as they may, I also understand now the power of truth, events unfolding in front of your eyes may seem brutal and painful as they are, but the truth you spoke came from your soul and new wave of life is coming and you will yet rejoice in your decision however grave it seems now.

All I can offer to you is my love, the only commodity I posses.

Hi There Georgi, You have my sympathy in this whole mess but maybe you should have told her from the start. Honey,I'm really sorry too about you getting dragged through all these renunciations and throwing your clothes away,etc.and visa versa. I do think your handling yourself calmly and without any kind of temper flareup at your wife. There is that to be said. Well now,I hope that sooner or later you'll be able to dress again and I hope that whatever happens things will get smoothed over with your wife. Really sorry.



:hugs: :love:

Samantha

I am sorry to hear about this difficult time you are going through. Don't lose hope, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, even if its not what you expect it to be. Its a good thing you were honest, whats a true marrage without it. I can undertand your wife finding it hard to except, and if she is a person who has been sheltered from lifes difficulties then she will find it harder to work through. But at the same time, true love covers a multitude of sins, it suffers long, it always forgives, it never fails. This is not just a challenge for you but also for her. This maybe what makes you both stronger and closer. One thing I have learnt is that we all full short, we all have our problems, we have to have grace for each other. I believe you have done and are doing the right thing, you have come humbled and broken to your wife, she needs her time but she also needs to respond with love, she would want the same from you because she also has her own faults. You sound to me to be a loving husband, what more can she ask for.

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Originally Posted by DemonicDaughter

It might be an assumption but it is a highly logical one. There would be few other ranges of emotions for her to feel if the OP's description of her reaction is true. And being its an extremely common reaction expressed on here by many GGs its not to much of an assumption.

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I'm not trying to downplay the significance of having GG's comment here at all BUT, and I guess I'm making some assumptions here as well, most of them are making a go of it with their CDer. It seems less likely that many GG's that totally reject a CDer would be commenting on here. Maybe a couple but it seems like it could be a biased sampling (not intentionally biased). Perhaps those GG's can't stand the idea of a man inwomen's clothing. Heck, Giorgi's spouse threw up! That doesn't sound like a physical reaction to a liar but what she probably perceives as a disgusting perversion.

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I meant that Giorgi needs to give his wife more time than simply a month to come to grips with things

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I agree.

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I believe that's a bigger assumption than I was making!

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See above comment on vomit! Indicates to me more than a problem w/ deceit.

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Does that play a factor that he's a CDer? Of course. But is the lies and deceit a "red herring"? You'll be hard pressed to find a GG on this site who has gone through something similar who would agree with that. Many GGs on here express how they might have had a much easier time accepting the CDing had they not felt they had been lied to for so long.

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So they can't even admit that it would be easier if there was no lying? That's one reason I think it's bigger than deceit alone (I know you did admit that).

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Actually, I think it would elicit the same response, but here's why... claiming your working late but really going to a pub can easily be interpreted as you going there to meet up with someone for extra marital activities and CDing often implies that to a GG who doesn't know anything about CDing. Its an assumption on many GGs' part that CDing is primarily sexual.

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I'm confused here. If you didn't tell your wife that you were going to watch MNF at a pub why, when you did tell her (she didn't find out) would she assume you were having an affair? Now on the CD side, I can completely understand the confusion/assumption to someone who doesn't know.

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I think its incorrect to assume it would be only CDing that would elicit the reaction. It could be anything that makes a partner feel that there is something sexual going on or an implication that the marriage isn't "enough".

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Like even self-gratification? (oops I guess CD is that initself) - I meant, more explicitly masturbation.

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Actually, stripping can be done in private as well but that's neither here or there. And I've tried the men's clothing argument and all I ever get met with is the "I'd love it if my wife did that! I'd get to be the woman!" So I don't bother with that one anymore. I don't think comparing it to a stripper is dramatic either being most of the strippers I know don't go home with any of the customers, aren't into men most of the time and are doing it to feel attractive and/or make money.

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The men's clothing argument does fit though because it demonstrates that the societal taboo against CDing only works in one direction AND that makes an SO uncomfortable/sick whatever in response to the behavior. That doesn't happen (or rarely would) in the case of a woman wearing mens clothes in secret because the taboo isn't there so we're not so shocked. Stripping could go either way as well - what if he was a stripper or drag performer or whatever? Not the same as a CD.

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And even being here on forums is sharing CDing with people outside the marriage. Being its not uncommon for many CDers now a days to be on forums like this, its not a stretch of the imagination to make such a statement. Especially since the OP stated he was giving it up to his wife and yet is on here sharing the experience (this is in no way saying he shouldn't, just making an example).

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So, where does one go with this issue for moral support? Not to his SO - she's not ready to talk about it. Isolation is a good way to end up with a suicide. I think sharing/asking on here IS therapeutic (or can be). If posting on here is considered some sort of deviant behavior then I think I need to get off. Also, look at how many people (members and guests) are on here - incredible. This no porn site/peep show. People are trying to get stuff figured out. I'm sure Giorgi needed to "vent" or open up to someone. Why not here - I thought this was THE SAFE PLACE.

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Don't get worn out! These debates are great for other's to learn from! :D I think its thought provoking answers that make the best threads. But I digress a bit...

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I agree that these discussions/debates are good and thank you for being so candid. Make sure to know that I am not berating your arguments - just challenging them with my "correct" ones :eek: I'm worn out cause I type with sausage fingers and a meatloaf brain!


In posting on this thread (and listening) I think I've grown some in my understanding. Thanks demonicdaughter.

Something we are all missing here.

To the OP.

STOP TREATING IT LIKE SOME G.D. DISEASE!!!

Stop acting like what you are doing is wrong. Hiding it as long as you did was very wrong, but there is nothing to be done about that.

But, and I mean this, don't go to counseling to reinforce quitting.

YOU ARE DOING NOTHING WRONG.

As far as your wife is concerned, you acting like what you are doing is wrong just reinforces HER not liking it. It justifies an irrational reaction (and wanting to cut off your marriage just because of this is highly irrational.)

You have dumped a tremendous load onto her and it is going to take a long time for her to come to grips, if she can.

Now, and I may take some flack for this, but this is how I see this, especially in this day and age.

If she is unable to come to grips with what you do, then it is no longer YOUR FAULT, it is a short coming of her own.

How strong was your relationship before you did this, were there any other issues that were between you two?

But for the love of Pete stop behaving like what you are doing is something that must be corrected, that only weakens and already weak position.

BOTH OF YOU get to counseling, with someone that has dealt with this situation before. Don't go to any faith based stuff either, unless they are a more modern place that acknowledges people were created in many moulds.

I recently heard something that has kinda stuck with me.
"Sometimes when you tell the truth, everything else is a lie"

My marriage dissolved because of the escalation of the dressing (Among other things)

I don't think you can give it up and she knows this. That's what makes it so hard for her.

I've purged more times than I can remember and it only enhanced the desire. There wasn't a womens clothing catalog in the house that I didn't know exactly what was on every page and what I wish I could have.

Now here I am. Single and really buying too much clothes and shoes and things. And you know what, I'm loving every minute.

I couldn't give it up. Don't think anything could change that. Unless it became adverse to my health or something.

You guys need to compromise. Not saying that will happen. It didn't for me. Just try is all you can do.

I've got to agree with Pythos----stop treating it like a disease and like it is evil---it is not and while it might have been a bad thing not to disclose it to your wife early in your relationship with her, what's done is done and you cannot undo it. As for "giving up" crossdressing, if I had a dollar for every cross dresser who said they were giving it up, only to start again later, I would be a very rich Lady---I agree that therapy is a good idea---not to help you stop it but to help you accept it and accept yourself--it may be that your wife will never accept your cding and that this means the end of the marraige---for your sake if that is the case, then I hope you can end it with a minumum of pain--but it seems from the tone of your posts that you will make yourself miserable to make your wife happy---what is really happening is that you both seem to be miserable. There is only one person that you can "make" happy and that person is you. Good luck

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Originally Posted by Pythos

YOU ARE DOING NOTHING WRONG.

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I'm pretty sure the OP's wife doesn't share this opinion.

It is important to be out of the closet, for those of us who can. Then, people will realize that crossdressing is not all that uncommon, and hopefully be less of a shock for people finding out about a loved ones CDing.

With all of the violence and hate in the world, it is just sad that something as simple as a desire to dress a certain way can be taken so badly.

Juno

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Originally Posted by Georgi

I've tried to get her to talk to someone several times but she doesn't think she should have to do anything.

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What a remarkably immature attitude!
I stand in awe.

Georgie
Got no answers for you (I think that I'm MtF TG??? Who really knows?)
Gosh, been there and separated for 5yrs next week....

It is/was the 'gorilla in the living room'....
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I came out to my family and a friend less than a yr ago.
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Been with my 'near'-ex a couple of times since. (not acknowledging my lack of (shorts/tshirt) /removed body hair.
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That does seem to be the (at least My) problem.... I think like a male & am physically driven like a male, but I've always felt akin conversationally and emotionally to the women (girls) i've know and apparently most of them react as our society mandates them to (taken me almost 50 yrs to Start to Be ME!).

Take a break... Pressuring her won't change her attitude (probably)...

Take a break for yourself... Don't punish/deny/ignore your own feelings either. For what it's worth, I did for over 20 yrs, with occational 'bouts of crossdressing', and her finding the bra/panties literally a couple of times... Didn't make a difference here......
In retrospect, I wasn't honest with my own feelings... and
There Is NO ONE out there that than Hurt You more than YOURSELF...

Let me know what you think.

(neo) kimba

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Originally Posted by Georgi

The first thing she does after reading one page is run to the bathroom to throw up. While she finishes reading it all she can say is "No, no, no,

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Anyone who quite literally, physically vomits obviously must have been suffering from severe shock.

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Originally Posted by Miss Misery

I think her behavior has more to do with the repulsion at the thought of men dressing as women more than the deceit.

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That was my immediate thought too. Such shock and repulsion upon reading it that she literary vomits at the very thought of it.

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Originally Posted by Miss Misery

In fact, I think this point about the deceit being the issue is sort of a "red herring" - Sure no one wants to feel deceived by their spouse but isn't it also about the nature of the deception that causes the hurt.

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Well ... I for sure don't think it's a "red herring" as she is obviously going to feel shocked, betrayed and very hurt about the deceit, and it happening for such a long time ... BUT ... I do agree with you that for some people the CDing itself is even worse than the lying. Is this woman one of those people? We don't know. IMHO the shocking revelation that her husband is a secret transvestite/crossdresser and/or is possibly gay or God only knows what incorrect things she might have been thinking about CDing when she read that bit, could be more likely to make a person who has had a bad experience with it in the past, or has a bad opinion about it or just hates guys (her guy) that do that sort of thing. :2c:

Oh my gosh Georgi, I don't know what to say to you. :sad: This level of repulsion (be it because of the CDing or the lying) is something that I have only ever heard about and can only imagine how bad it must be for you. :sad:

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Originally Posted by mklinden2010

OK, first, why are you sharing this with us - and promising updates - if CDing is behind you and you're saving your marriage? Is this part of some ebook you're working on?

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I thought I'd share this with those who were considering telling their SOs because one of the major reasons I finally caved in and told her was the constant counseling of the 'tell her, tell her' crowd on this forum. I thought it appropriate to hear an opposing viewpoint.

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Second, I'd like to see this "nice" four page letter. Nice? I HATE the "letter" gambit. Gutless, thoughtless, and, clueless. Say it don't play it. Think how long someone will be going down that page to hell. And, get a clue what she expects - NOT a letter! How about some conversation... You know, the one you've been skipping since she met you?

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I think you misunderstand how I presented the letter to her. I took several weeks to compose this letter, then on the morning of July 5th sat next to her as I handed it to her to read so I was there for her to ask questions. I didn't mail her the letter or leave the letter for her to read in my absence. And by the way, the famed how to tell your SO thread proposes just this method of writing it out rather than trying to memorize your spiel and blurt it out from memory.

Thx,
Georgi

Georgi,

Although my ex did not vomit, for all intents and purposes her reaction was very much the same. After 10 years of trying to sort things out we realized that I could not stop CDing anymore than she could stop being repulsed by the fact that I was a CD and in her mind less than a man. We agreed to disagree and even though I loved her deeply, I knew it was best to move on for both our sakes.

Understandably your wife had a very strong reaction to this and she needs time, however, in the end you need to acknowledge that it is a part of who you are (whether you ever dress again) and she needs to understand that truth as well. Counselling is very important, something that you need to go to together to work through this.

In as much as you want to back away from who you are to keep her in your life that is a fool's dream. She will never believe that it is gone and you will always wish that you had it in your life and eventually resent her for forcing you not to be able to be yourself with the one person in this world who should be able to embrace all of who you are.

You both need to face the fact that this is who you are. How you choose to live your life with each other or apart has yet to be seen, but if you cannot work through this simple fact together then you are in for a whole heap of trouble.

You are who you are and no one should expect that you be other than that. Of course there is a trust broken here and she has to re-evaluate how she feels about you, but to pretend that your CDing is in the past is a big mistake that I feel you will regret.

Accept who you are, be brave enough to stand by that truth and work through it with her. You will either figure it out together and both be better and stronger for it or you will realize that you can no longer be together and both be better for it. Avoiding the truth will fix nothing.

All the best to you and your wife in your journey.

Melissa

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Originally Posted by silhouette

What a remarkably immature attitude!
I stand in awe.

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Ok, seriously - do you think when I say "Honey, would you go to talk to the counselor I've been seeing?" I'm displaying an immature attitude? Am I missing something here?

Georgi

No your not missing anything...Some folks are happy all the time and some are just plain bitter...Sorry for the mis happs, Ok things work out for you..

Thanks to many for their comments on many aspects of this. I'll ramble a bit as I try to gather some of my thoughts in one place.

I know there is a high risk of failure in the long run in quitting crossdressing. But I also know that the pleasures I would get from cd'ing were transitory for me, were not part of an overall TG lifestyle and therefore in my personal prioritization can be pushed way down the scale way below my wife's worth to me. That is, of course, on a rational level and does not account for the dreaded pink fog, if it takes over then rationality of course slides away.

I also agree that my wife is bent out of shape over the revulsion, and not the deceit. She's hardly mentioned the deceit at all in the last month, but the revulsion is the big topic when anything at all is mentioned.

I agree with the several posters who say I've done nothing wrong, that this is not a disease. But at this point, standing up for a principle will certainly cost me my marriage while compromising by discarding my fetish (and it is a fetish, not a lifestyle) at least gives me a chance to save it.

Joint counseling is indeed my goal. I've promised to see a counselor to help me maintain my giving up of cd'ing. My hope is that I can convince my wife that she can benefit from going to see the counselor with me.

Again, thanks to all for your thoughts and comments.
Georgi

Georgi,
When I was married I felt like part of me was missing, my wife could tell ,she said she could always tell when I had the un explainable urge to express myself in cding. I felt un happy sometimes denying that part of me but yet at the same time I was happy to be with my family.

I am now single , I have nothing holding me back to expressing myself and I am happy, but yet unhappy because I don't have my wife anymore. Cding wasn't the reason for our ending but it didn't help..I was able to surpress it but never stop ..I will be honest it was very hard to do..Good luck set you mind to it, just remember you are shutting a part of your life out.

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Originally Posted by Georgi

Ok, seriously - do you think when I say "Honey, would you go to talk to the counselor I've been seeing?" I'm displaying an immature attitude? Am I missing something here?

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I'm sure that what she was calling immature is your wife's attitude that "she doesn't need to change".

I'm afraid no matter how much we aim to live our life , councelling in my mind will NOT help to cease the desire to dress . Purging the closet or dresser is a costly repeated move made by many . Purging the character is another question . You may disagree , but it never goes away - it has to be recognised and accepted - in time the desire will return . You know this . Ok , so some partners are totally repulsed by anothers behaviour , but does it really mean a lifestyle alteration isneeded to keep one happy ? In the end , the only result will be is denial and unhappiness in abundance . I consider it far more important to commit to better communication between each other , opening all channels and having to at least confront issues in an equal manner . Ok , it means facing demons , but isn't that what couples strive to achieve ?
I consider it all too fresh , all too new for any planned directions whilst in a state of shock , fear and uncertainess . perhaps its time to let the dust settle , try to establish conversation without the fight or flight syndrome kicking in , only then could you decide on the direction of help together .
As for the " crowd " you mention on here . I think everyones situation is different , if the forum prompted you to come out and the result isn't good then perhaps there is a deeper issue personally in the relationship that you may have over looked - I wouldn't let a threads response be directly responsible for my actions . Prompt me to think for sure , but I'd consider the results of any actions I'd deliver first . It's without doubt the situation you are now in is a very uneasy scarey time , but it has to be dealt with .Properly . If it goes full belly up , then the outcome could be a long drawn out affair with the winners only ever being solicitors / lawyers . I'd try to avoid that like the plague , but in the cold stark reality it means no promises , no oaths or denial . It simply means facing up to the problem together . Remember - you got together for the love you both shared ... perhaps now its time to face those demons and do it together .And the most undeniable part of your situation has been hiding you away . Your wife feels cheated , lied too , but probably worst of all untrusted . You really need to attend to this . I'd seek marital help first in trying to get those communications gping again first - with help if need be . No threats , no promises , just cards on the table time .

I know NOW that I am a crossdresser and will never escape the thoughts that go with it. but it is the hardest thing that I have EVER had to ADMIT to myself.
WE as crossdressers still have a need for LOVE and can love just as much as any other person.

The hardest thing I ever had to do was tell my wife about me. Not because I had too but because I NOW knew it was the RIGHT thing to do because I excepted it as me and she should know about her husband.

Honestly, STOP telling people that we deserve to be divorced because we chose to ignore a part of ourselves that I am sure most just wanted to go away and never be discovered, but later found out and accepted.

BTW- my wife knows and is tolerant but has never met my femme side, I wish she would but I am willing to wait as long as it takes- if ever. But I DON'T BELIEVE I deserve to lose her for not being able to admit I am a crossdresser. most young couples are just learning about ourselves when we get married and grow together or apart. STOP JUDGING others. Yes it is a big secret for most that can have serious consequences and may end up hurting someone UNINTENTIONALLY. I think we just want to LOVE and be loved.

Currently I am not dressed and have not been for a few days ie underdressed (as I'm closetted) and what I know is that you can stop for periods dependent on all sorts of things ie run out of clean underwear ! or just too tired to bother "with all that stuff' and the longer you stop the easier it becomes if your crossdressing is an addiction.I am also giving up smoking at present for the umpteenth time and this time I hope I can stop BUT it seems the old adage is once a smoker always a smoker,once a drinker always a drinker ie meaning not that you can stop but that the feeling will forever remain that you would love to continue.Now the difference to me is that smoking and drinking are dangerous to your physical health but in moderation maybe neither of them are going to shorten your life etc .Cd'ing may be addictive but in moderation and in a controlled situation can actually be good for you;eg a glass of red can be beneficial for your health ,So it all comes back to what you feel inside and believe in yourself and if you are destined to transition then with what Ive been reading that is a one way street and there is no getting off that train.If only a crossdresser then it may be controllable and this is where you may find compromise with your wife if you take time and give her time to digest the news.Giving up all together would to me be more impossible than stopping smoking and may be detrimental to your health especially your mental health!!

My wife and I have been to a lot of counseling, both together and separately, and as much as I wanted to stop CDing in order to meet my wife's expectations I could never entirely give it up. I went months, sometimes as long as a year, but it always came back. My wife always asked me if I was "cured" during my quiet times, and I thought I was. But I wasn't, and you won't be either. Not one single counselor had any idea how to stop cross dressing. And Lord knows I tried every trick in the book to stop because I really wanted to meet her expectations. Every single counselor told us that I was doing nothing wrong and it really wasn't worth getting upset about it. When my wife heard someone tell her that she immediately stopped going to counseling because that did not agree with what was in her mind.

The only counselor who had the courage to really tell it to me straight said that I might as well face the fact that my wife would never accept anything to do with cross dressing. And I would never get over being a cross dresser. So she told me to accept those facts of life and if my wife couldn't come to terms with me then prepare to end the marriage and move on. This devastated me for a couple of years while I tried desperately to stop CDing and hold on to my marriage. I finally told my wife that this is certainly NOT who I wanted to be, but it is a part of who I am and if she can't accept me, love me, and be my sexual partner, then she is free to walk out the door at any time and I won't try to stop her.

Your wife is certainly entitled to her feeling and opinions, and you are entitled to your own. You can talk it over and figure out a way to continue to have a loving, caring marriage. Or you can decide that this is just not going to work for either of you. But you need to accept who you are, even though it may not be who you or your wife want you to be. Once you get there, then stand up for yourself. I am a firm believer in marriage and we are still married after 41 years. I do not want my marriage to end, and neither do you, but I would rather see it end than go back into denying who and what I am. My wife is far from accepting the CDing, but at least she accepts me in spite of it. Neither one of us wants a divorce so we just figure out ways to accept each other without reservation.

Good luck. I truly wish you the best but you really need to prepare yourself for what might seem like the worst. Once you have acknowledged and accepted that divorce may be a reasonable alternative then it becomes easier to try to work out your problems.

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Originally Posted by Georgi

I thought I'd share this with those who were considering telling their SOs because one of the major reasons I finally caved in and told her was the constant counseling of the 'tell her, tell her' crowd on this forum. I thought it appropriate to hear an opposing viewpoint.

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I thought that might be the case. My question to you would be did you really believe that she would react any differently? Is she a genuinely open minded adventurous person or is she comfortably mainstream? If the latter then you were definitely taking a major risk.

Your description of her immediate and subsequent behavior does indeed indicate that repulsion is the main issue here. We are all aware of the ignorance, prejudice and sexist attitudes that CDing generates in our culture - it is the reason why we are in the closet in the first place. It is very debilitating for CDs to assess how to cope with our predicament when we know we cannot get a fair hearing and equal treatment.

Being Mr Pragmatic, I know that sometimes it is better to keep these types of secrets hidden when we know we will be judged unfairly. I wish that were not the case but I live in the real world and I know life is not fair, it never was and never will be. Idealism and realism are rarely bedfellows.

I am glad you posted your story and hope it gives others food for thought about the pros and cons of informing your SO.

One thing that does disappoint me is your current plan of action. While I understand why you are thinking this way, I hope you can see you are making a mistake. Irregardless of your description that your CDing is a fetish, it will not go away. Once the emotional turmoil goes down, your resolve will quickly melt away and the desire will become all consuming again. You will rebuild your wardrobe although probably you are thinking about keeping this one a secret.

I think this approach is ultimately foolhardy. You have not changed but your wife must assuredly has. Her perception of you has flip-flopped and can never return to where it was before. A line in the sand has been drawn. She no longer thinks of you as being a "real" man, she will be highly suspicious of everything you do, say or think. Your previous happy relationship is over and you need to start again with a wife who has major issues about who you are. Only you are in a position to measure how likely it is that you can re-establish a happy and trusting relationship.

In any event instead of telling her that you are an ex-CD, tell her the truth that you will sacrifice your own needs for the sake of the relationship but that these CD thoughts will always be with you and she needs to deal with that knowledge and accept it.

I am more than certain the comment by Silhouette was indeed directed to your wife.

I am sorry, but running into the bathroom and puking ever sentence I am sure was an over statement, and is also a sign of SEVERE mental problems on her part.

Her reactions if they are as you described are DISGUSTING!!!

I personally would want her out of my life if she reacted so unbelievably irrational. Why in the hell would I want someone that behaved in such an unbelievable manner to something like this? Is she such an effing saint? Does she do things that at one time were considered abhorrent for women to do? To me her behavior is equivalent to how some men behaved when they learned their wives were earning money doing a job on the side (yes there were times that men acted like this, but instead of violent throwing up, it was violent throwing the woman)

For eff's sake you are not cheating on her with another woman!!! You aren't out there diddling little kids!! You don't have an infatuation with Poop. You simply emulate the characteristics of the gender that you desire for affection.

I am sorry but her behavior just really pisses me off. Women that behave in the manner she is behaving do absolutely NOTHING for women in general (you know, the view that women are always irrational). You did indeed dump a big load on her, but this is just ludicrous to read.

Something tells me there is FAR more than what you are telling us, in this scenario. Her described behavior is just beyond the pale, when one really looks at it.

I am sorry if my reaction to a more thorough reading of her reaction was harsh, but dammit, you are doing nothing wrong!!!! Why are you treated like you are? Also, why are you beating yourself up like this? Yes you should be upset that you did not tell her earlier, but that is the only thing you did wrong....and with the irrational behavior of some people, who could really blame you?

With regard to quitting I'll add that I dressed from age 10 or so until I was almost 30. Then I came out to my wife of 2 years and she tried to accept it, even participate some but couldn't handle it. So I went back in the closet for a couple of years then after a major purge we moved to a very rural farm - I repressed my CDing for almost 20yrs w/ only occasional (maybe 5 or so) episodes - not full blown as I had no things and they were a real challenge to acquire - so just an undergarment or nylons. BUT - during those 20 yrs I repressed my CDing, I bet not a single week went by without me having vivid dreams of dressing. It never went away. Now, I've started to discuss it with my wife and she accepts it as something I do. But I'm truly amazed at how persistent and powerful this draw to dress is.

Pythos - I know much of what you're saying makes sense but one thing about this:

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Originally Posted by Pythos

I personally would want her out of my life if she reacted so unbelievably irrational. Why in the hell would I want someone that behaved in such an unbelievable manner to something like this? Is she such an effing saint?

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After you've been with someone and built a life together, it's not as easy to just walk away. There are a lot of ramifications from splitting up an established marriage that aren't necessarily there when you're younger. I see your point about why stay with someone who treats you like that and even agree - just want to point out it's complicated sometimes.

Also, I was thinking this evening while I was picking raspberries (yes, I actually got up from the computer today), what a f'ed up society we live in that looks down on adult males dressing as women YET it condones women, NO, MOTHERS who dress their 4 yr olds like hookers and have them dance (sometimes to provocative music) on stage for awards and prizes. AND this is considered entertainment as it is broadcast on TV. Crap - that should be considered child abuse at least and perhaps kiddie porn. But noooo - it's those creepy CD/TS folks that make us vomit. How about a little self-reflection America!!? Thanks Pythos - now I'm all fired up!!!!

Good night.

Tommie, I just wanted to congratulate you a lot for this moving post and of top quality. You have certainly made the most from your traumatic experience and I found your suggestions to Georgi were excellent. :love:

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Originally Posted by Georgi

I thought I'd share this with those who were considering telling their SOs because one of the major reasons I finally caved in and told her was the constant counseling of the 'tell her, tell her' crowd on this forum. I thought it appropriate to hear an opposing viewpoint.



I think you misunderstand how I presented the letter to her. I took several weeks to compose this letter, then on the morning of July 5th sat next to her as I handed it to her to read so I was there for her to ask questions. I didn't mail her the letter or leave the letter for her to read in my absence. And by the way, the famed how to tell your SO thread proposes just this method of writing it out rather than trying to memorize your spiel and blurt it out from memory.

Thx,
Georgi

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"Tell 'em!" is not "Write 'em!"

I have always disagreed with the "Write 'em!" crowd. It's cowardly, it's clumsy, it's written evidence...

I suspect those who've gone the "Write em!" route and succeeded were in the presence of an SO who would have been as well off, or, better, if they'd just talked it over.

And, "Write 'em!" as a suggestion is more likely workable as, "Get your thoughts on paper - to sort them out for yourself..." Don't do a tenth draft and stick it under their noses to have them sit there ON THE SPOT and deal simultaneously with their problems AND yours.

The most common response to people finally doing such things, either way, "Why didn't you just TELL me?"

The most reasonable response from someone who loves YOU? "Well, nobody is perfect. Let's just talk about this some more and see how it works out."

"Write 'em!"?

Do you really want a letter BACK?

"Dear Bill, I think it best if we divorce. Sincerely, Carol."

No, I understood perfectly what you did to this woman by spending weeks composing a letter in secret, about something you'd kept secret, only to bushwhack her with your HONESTY in one of the most unexpected moments of her life.

You can quote what you READ on the "How to tell your SO" thread, but your results TELL the story... Make some notes about what to talk about, sure. But, do the talking when it's time. From her point of view, it's always "time." She's there, with you in your life, to listen. It's your shared lives. Give her that trust and courtesy.

Yeah, thanks for posting. Maybe they'll change the damn thing.

In the end, you're inclined to be who you are and dabbling in crossdressing is something you do - if not in a place and at no other times, just in your head. Your obvious success in living peacefully with other people, of being able to make and keep contracts and commitments, even your clumsy way of trying to be a good person, all argue that crossdressing is not a significant negative in your life. It might, in fact, for you be a plus. It's PART of who you are, it's harmless in itself, and it may give you some attitudes, habits, and insights that are extremely valuable to other people. You've kept this in your life because it has been a plus to you. You've probably attributed too much "negativity" to it and worried about it too much. That "negativity" may have prompted you to "fess up." Too bad you didn't just "speak up."

Your wife has a right to her feelings. Go apologize for being such a dope. If you have to smoke, drink, crossdress, dance, hunt, gamble, or, whatever to be your best self, just own up to it. People want to love and be loved. But, they want to know who, what, when, where, how and why to feel safe doing so.

Good luck.

And, cheer up... You won't make these same mistakes twice.

I have to reply to your post.

I can say been there and done that. Yes I told my wife years after we were married. Yes it was the wrong thing to do because I should have told her before she put on the ring. I had the reason most did at the time I didn't understand about my self and who I was inside. My wife was angry and yes it was just about the end of our marrage.
However we went to a counselor and we talked and talked. This was not a week or a month it was over two years. We both had all the reactions for different reasons which have been already stated before. We found that we loved each other very much and there was other things that also had to be talked about. In the end we are still together but now there are rules that we both use for our marrage to work. Neither of us are perfect. It was very clear to the counselor that I could not change but could control how much I crossdressed. Over time the rules changed and we still have times that we both are not happy but at least now we talk. I know many who worked on there marrage with a counselor some stayed together some didn't. All I can say is some things can be fixed some things can't, it all depends on if you both want to try.

Georgi, As I said in your introductory thread, I'm here as a friend for you to talk to as I know what you are going through. Contact me if you like after your first 10 posts. Take care my friend.:)

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Originally Posted by Georgi

Oh I don't disagree a bit with you about her acceptance. She will likely never accept my being a crossdresser and that's fine. What I'm hoping for is that someday (soon, hoepfully) she will be able to accept that I once was a crossdresser. If not, then this whole act of truthfulness was one total royal f*%kup on my part.

Thx,
Georgi

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I'm sorry that she can't accept the real you. CD'ing is like being left handed, you can use your right hand conciously all you want, but you're still left handed. You can dress in drab for the rest of your life, but you're still a CD. The messup part of what happened is the same as what I did, and that's not to tell her before she said "I do".

My wife took it badly, but eventually came to understand that I don't want to become a woman, but merely sail on the estrogen ocean from time to time. I underlined that the elements of me that attracted her to me over other guys came from the parts of me that urged me to crossdress.

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She will likely never accept my being a crossdresser

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One of the important parts of all this is how you phrased the above quote. You said you're "being a crossdresser", not "that I crossdress(ed)" A crossdresser is what you are, not what you do. I discovered that when I tried to not be one for years for the sake of my marriage. Before I descended into depression and wrecked my marriage from the effects of denying half of what I am, I decided to come out to my wife, figuring that worst case senario, my wife would simply leave me earlier than waiting around for my personality to totally crash and burn to exit. Not tipping your cap to the girl inside has ramifications beyond the loss of business to the store selling women's clothes.

The other part of this is you're still posting as "Georgi" not "George, formerly Georgi". I truly wish you the best of luck, but sincerely hope you're not building this all on false hopes hopes and unrealistic dreams.

Kate

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Originally Posted by Georgi

I agree with the several posters who say I've done nothing wrong, that this is not a disease. But at this point, standing up for a principle will certainly cost me my marriage while compromising by discarding my fetish (and it is a fetish, not a lifestyle) at least gives me a chance to save it.

Joint counseling is indeed my goal. I've promised to see a counselor to help me maintain my giving up of cd'ing. My hope is that I can convince my wife that she can benefit from going to see the counselor with me. So far she's resisted what I think has been gentle pushing (someone thought I was being immature for pushing her too hard I think), her general thought is that this is my problem, why should she have to do anything.

Georgi

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This is why all of this concerns me. You agree that you have done nothing wrong and yet you also acknowledge that she feels that it is your problem, not hers and that she wants you to go and get cured. How can you be cured when you are not sick? That makes no sense.

CDing is not a disease. A relationship is about two people working together. In as much as I can totally get why it is that you want to save your marriage because I went through this as well, I am really concerned with these types of statements.

You can say that CDing is not that important, that your relationship is more valuable to you and I totally understand that. You can say that CDing is something that does not need to be a lifestyle but is a fetish instead and you can not do it and I can accept and wish you the best on controlling your urges.

The thing that I cannot accept and it has taken me a long time to learn this is that a person can learn something new about you and then basically hold you hostage forcing you to "cure yourself" or the relationship ends. That is not the way functional relationships work. This is not your problem, it is not even a problem at all.

The real problem is not the CDing, it is the unwillingness of your wife to be open to the idea that there are aspects of you that she may not like but, out of her love for you, should be willing to try and understand.

You see this is the challenge that I found myself in, my ex professed to love me and yet held me hostage too. It was cure myself or leave. She would not try and understand, she would not try and meet me half way. It was her way or the highway. For 10 years I tried to do it her way but in the end it was more than I could handle, not because of the cross dressing but because I had this odd belief that if someone loved you they would do their best to understand you and that even if they did not want to be a part of some aspect of who you were that they at least acknowledged that it was a part of your being. That is what for better or for worse encompasses.

I was devastated and dis-illusioned and I loved my wife dearly and just could not understand why she would not even try, that it always had to be her way, that I had to be cured when I did not actually have an illness. What I learned was that I did not value myself enough, that I was so afraid to be alone that I was prepared to do anything, but in the end I was unhappy and resentful.

I know that it is your life and your decision but a red flag goes up for me here, a big red flag and while you may not see it now I suspect that in years to come you will look back on this moment and realize what you cannot see right now - someone who loves you, who truelly loves you - does not force you down the path that she is pushing you down - this is tantamount to her using whatever means she has to bully you into doing what she wants. Deny it until you are blue in the face but that is what is happening here.

Melissa