"Straight" guy looking to experiment.

As I'm getting older I've decided that I just want to enjoy my life. I've only dated women all my life but sometimes i've fantasized about men especially while in femme. My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me about earlier this year and it's been really tough for me. I've dated around a little since but haven't been able to connect with any women, I don't know why. I still find women incredibly attractive. I've been a life long closet CD. Recently I've been seeking to meet a guy (online dating) to see what happens. I've talked to a few but haven't worked up the courage to go out and actually meet up. Secretly I'm hoping to meet a guy that is ok with my Cd'ing. I haven't mentioned this to any guy i've talked to. Like I said I still haven't worked up the courage to go out and meet with anyone. I would love to hear your thoughts about my situation and see if any of you have been in a similar situation.

What you describe is that you have a fantasy about being with a man and sometimes its best to leave it a fantasy.
I have to ask why did she break up with you? If you don't know why you can't connect with women maybe you should take a long hard look at yourself. What are you doing wrong perhaps?
Are you sure you are straight? A straight man isn't going to even ponder about sex with a man.
Why would you think being with a man is the answer to your situation?
What you are feeling is quite common in the CD community and IMO you are just having a fantasy.

Hi, thanks for the reply. I haven't been able to connect with women because i've been depressed since the break up, I don't think it's any deeper than that.
The reason she broke up with me is because she couldn't put up with my horrible anxiety anymore.
I don't think being with a man is an answer to anything. I'm just looking to find some enjoyment in my life right now.
So you're saying to not pursue the fantasy?

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because i've been depressed since the break up

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Maybe not so obviously before any decisions, seek a professional help.

If you must pursue being with a man, get to know the man WELL in person first. Hooking up with a man you just met and don't know personally can lead to disaster. I know a few GGs who have done that and it ended... badly.

One thing to remember is that if you opt to date a woman in the future, the fact you were with a man may be a problem. Being a crossdresser the "gay question" will come up. You will have to either lie and say you haven't, or be honest and possibly further turn her off and drive her away. Crossdressing is a dealbreaker for many women, having had a past relationship will a man will really be a bridge too far.

Here is a tip never mention your ex around other women its never a good idea.
If she is gone get over it and move on. You can't force someone to stay.
Oh and don't feel you HAVE to be in a relationship with a man or woman for that matter its OK if you are single.
You will survive.

At this point, I have to agree that you should seek out professional help first. It is very understandable that any breakup would hit hard, but the root cause of anxiety existed first. I would suggest addressing that first. If you can get the anxiety resolved, it would increase your odds of a better relationship with anyone, regardless of orientation. You certainly don?t want to have back to back break ups or it would hurt all the more. I hope you work through it all. Best wishes.

Sandi

Good advice from Tracii. And good advice from mbmeen as well. I agree with both, but wish to add a little bit more.

Back in 2001 - 2004 I was in therapy for depression, really deep, serious and dangerous depression. My psychiatrist told me that I had probably been depressed all my life and really didn't know what "normal" felt like. Quite possibly a genetic depressive. I couldn't agree more. You may be in the same boat that I was. It took a long time and an incredible amount of work to conquer it. Everything was coming apart at the seams and I couldn't see that the problem was me. The hardest part was admitting there was a problem. I still battle it; it never really goes away. But the techniques I learned in therapy provided me with the tools to counter the effects when that demon raises its ugly head. I could have never done it alone - NEVER!!! The problem is that when you are depressed your brain is not functioning properly and therefore pulling yourself out of the dark pit when it is really deep is never going to happen. Your thinking is distorted and so you can't find rational solutions to the depression. With guidance climbing out is so much easier - ladders and a helping hand by a good therapist is what is needed to successfully get out of that hole.

Please, please seek the advice of a professional. Be totally honest and be open to trying anything and everything they suggest. It may save your life if, in fact, you are diagnosed with chronic depression. But even if it is not chronic, working on the depression with a professional will very likely make your life a whole lot happier, with or without romance. The anxiety will go away; the world will look brighter and new relationships will likely form and last. Nobody wants to be around a depressed person. My wife and I passed our 50th anniversary in March and are still very much together and in love. That would have never happened without the therapy.

There are two things going on here. The first and most important is that you are suffering from depression which is normal under the circumstances but can have serious consequences. You should get some sort of counseling from a professional or at least talk in person with someone you trust. The second is your desire to experiment. There is nothing wrong with that so long as you use common sense. Dating men and being the object of their attention, affection or desire can be really exciting and fun. However, you should use caution because most guys that are into CDs can be divided into two categories. The first are men who are closeted or unrealized CDs themselves and are chasing a fantasy. The second are guys who assume that a CD is just a shortcut to quickie sex or a blowjob with no strings attached. Occasionally, you will encounter men who simply find you attractive as a human and that's great. I can tell you from personal experience that there is a 1 in 100 chance of this. Yes, they are out there and I have met a few (because I have been with hundreds of men!) but most fit into the two categories above. If you understand this and are OK with it, then you can enjoy yourself and have some fun. Just keep in mind that men who fall into those two categories above usually will treat you like an object and not like a person. If you get into that while suffering from depression, you may find your judgement clouded which could lead to more depression or putting yourself in risky situations. Be safe, honey!

Tricky situation. Gay men generally don’t want to date someone that looks like a woman any more than a straight woman does. And I’ll warn you that it’s a pretty big leap from fantasy to reality. Just be careful out there.

While I suppose that counseling could help you come to grips with your feelings nobody else can dictate to you what your sexuality should be. As far as realizing something like this later in life, my mid 40's oldest daughter recently came out as lesbian so there is no age limit to making these kinds of discoveries about ourselves. One thing I'm not sure of is your age but you mention that you are older. Women's attitude towards intimate relations change as they get older, my wife is 67 and went into "full grannie mode" about five years ago after the "change of life" was complete. She was liberal in her views about sexuality prior to the change but today she'd just as soon not even think about it. We had another "talk" about five years ago, not the one commonly referred to on this board but "the talk" was her giving me a hall pass because she is no longer able to be intimate. That hall pass is tied together with my dadt in regards to my dressing so while on the surface it might seem restricting I am happy with the arrangement.

Anyways, my point is that I had been curios about being bi for years without ever acting on it. After I got the hall pass I mulled it around and decided why not and found that I'm not into other guys, I only like other crossdressers, not hairy MIAD but smooth fully dressing with wig, makeup and jewelry committed crossdressers. The hall pass was issued with other women in mind but by the time women get into their mid to late 60's they generally lose interest and prefer to live out the remainder of their lives alone rather than going through the frightening thought of courting and (gasp) getting naked in front of someone new at that age. If you experiement with being bi or gay you can be very selective, know how to stay safe from a health standpoint, make your limits clear and follow all of the safety precautions meeting in public first and perhaps only meeting with the understanding that you prefer getting to know each other first. Like they say, "men are pigs" and you might find that out first hand when you start interacting with them in this way. I do not hesitate to excuse myself and leave early or show someone the door, you control your interactions and don't need permission from members of a discussion forum to determine your sexuality.

In my case dipping my toe in to test the waters ended up being one of the most frustrating and one of the best things I have done in regards to my dressing. You know how sometimes you'll approach something expecting a specific outcome but something totally unexpected comes out of it? That has been my experience in that I have met one other crossdresser in particular who has become a good friend and lives alone so I have a home away from home where I can dress and have purchases delivered. My limits were and are very rigid as far as doing anything and when you do that you might see a revolving door of replies but there are good people out there who will respect your wishes. I am not currently seeking anymore friends as I enjoy the way my friend and I interact where it morphed into being about the dressing when we get together.

Congratuations! You may be able to increase your odds of finding a date by 50%. The decision whether to proceed and knowing what you want and setting your limits are all up to you. Maybe it's just a fantasy and it will pass but in my case the force was strong and did not leave me alone until I sought to answer that question. Kind of like the pink fog in that answers about my sexuality found me and pursued me relentlessly until I decided to take a closer look at it.

PS, if you find that you're not actually bi or gay and you want to give women another go why shoot for a relationship right out of the box? My wife and I have both talked about what we would do if we found ourselves alone. My honest answer is that at my age knowing what I know now there are plenty of older folks who don't want to hassle with a live in relationship and are only looking for friends with benefits. I think that is the direction I would go in if I found myself alone after having walked the straight and narrow my entire adult life.

Maybe you need help or not but to answer your question.

First it is gay sex, so you have to be ok with that.

The person you are looking for will be BI, and likely in the closet. I have two long term boyfriend's that are.

There are also straight guys looking to experiment. I would stir clear of these people, at least till you have more experience. Even than they are more trouble than they're worth.

Everyone is different but basically guys are guys, they just want sex. Don't expect any deep conversations on feelings. Unless those feelings involve sex.

Ok so they may last a few minutes before loosing interest. The exception I have found is my one boyfriend that is a fetish dresser . In the closet CD. He normally presents as a guy with me so I'm not miss gendering him, although he seams to be changing/growing/or something so the pronouns maybe changing.

This is a long term relationship, it stared out as a sex thing. We met when I was looking for answers. It has developed into something a lot more. He was brought up marriage , but not seriously. If he ever does ask I have a white dress waiting along with the answer.

I also lived for a year as the lady of the house with another boyfriend, so I know what I'm talking about.

Most here are straight guys so to them this will always be fantasy.

I don't know how to meet someone, it can happen anywhere. My other boyfriend met me at Walmart, I was dressed for a Christmas party and was picking up some last minute things. He was like a deer in the headlights when he saw me. I was oh no, till I realized he just wanted my number.

The boyfriend I lived with a close friend of mine introduced us. He remembered the encounter I don't, I guess it was brief and I was with my friends. But he pursued me, we had this made affair and moved in together. A very long story indeed.

I have also had a stalker, I don't know what happened to him he finally just stopped coming around, so do be careful.

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Originally Posted by Michelle43

Hi, thanks for the reply. I haven't been able to connect with women because i've been depressed since the break up, I don't think it's any deeper than that.

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You may be right. Nevertheless, you might want to consider addressing the depression. It is almost always easily treated, and you will almost certainly find that things are a lot clearer once it has been treated.

A therapist may help with your depression, Michelle. But, NOT with answers about your sexual appetites!:heehee:

I went thru a period when I first began dressing out of the blue in middle age. Like many CD's, I fancied myself as a woman with men. I suddenly thot I'd turned gay!:eek:
It took years to figure I wasn't. And, that mine was a common CD fantasy. :battingeyelashes:

I was attracted to the idea of being treated like a woman by men. But, I was never attracted to men or their parts!:thumbsdn:

It's simple really. If u r aroused by men and their parts, you're gay/bi. :o

If u really want to try out your fantasy of being treated like a woman by men? I have met a number of men attracted to trans at T events. Most r pleasant gentlemen, not pushy or aggressive. At least, from what I've seen. And, there r plenty of trans that regularly date men in our groups!:hugs:

If u or anyone wants more details about these events? PM me. I'm in SoCal and go to T events there and in Vegas!:)

Sex is sex, sexuality is something different. If you want to take an at bat for the other team, go for it, be careful though.
I have played with men, but with my wife in a 3-some, in male and female mode and have enjoyed it, but I would NEVER go out with a man. Like I said sex is sex, to me anyway.

That's interesting because a few years back I was also contemplating what it felt like to be treated as a women. A few years back I had a Halloween experience which I wrote about here and to make a long story short I was dressed on Halloween as a hooker and a friend of a friend lift my skirt and felt my legs. He then told me how great my legs looked and that he was dying to feel them. My wife seen this and asked me how it felt, I was very honest with her and told her I was aroused by it and felt his hand on my leg for day later. My wife instead of pushing the panic button she said to me that it would probably be a great fantasy to imagine having sex dressed as a women, but she told me if I really think about it that I would not go threw with it. Her theory was getting felt up is one thing but being naked with another man is something she knows is not me. Well I believe she was right I have no interest in having sex with a man, but when dressed it is nice to fantiasize about being treated as a women. I believe you should get over that 5 year relationship and clear your mind and then see if the feelings are real or just fantasy.

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Originally Posted by Michelle43

As I'm getting older I've decided that I just want to enjoy my life. I've only dated women all my life but sometimes i've fantasized about men especially while in femme. My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me about earlier this year and it's been really tough for me. I've dated around a little since but haven't been able to connect with any women, I don't know why. I still find women incredibly attractive. I've been a life long closet CD. Recently I've been seeking to meet a guy (online dating) to see what happens. I've talked to a few but haven't worked up the courage to go out and actually meet up. Secretly I'm hoping to meet a guy that is ok with my Cd'ing. I haven't mentioned this to any guy i've talked to. Like I said I still haven't worked up the courage to go out and meet with anyone. I would love to hear your thoughts about my situation and see if any of you have been in a similar situation.

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A few questions...

Do you truly ?dress? or just sometimes wear some panties and/or hose, ... maybe a pair of high heels?

What online sites are you using? Are they geared as porn sites ? Are they dating sites specifically for trans, cd, etc? or just regular PG dating sites like eharmony, match, etc? And are you posting pics of yourself dressed? More specifically, are you looking to actually date men or are you looking to hookup?

Have you been dressing significantly more since your breakup? To the point where you?re up late at night and online for hours on end?

I only ask because after my breakup, I too went into a deep depression... it?s gotten better, but in some ways, I?m still in stuck in that depressed state. Now, I will start out by saying that my dressing has essentially been a fetish... it?s really just for sexual purposes... so i don?t really struggle with the conflicts that many on here experience ever day. Also, I identify as a straight guy. I only date women and honestly, I only truly find women sexually attractive... I will admit that I am equally attracted to crossdressers and transgenders, but I think that might be because I can somewhat identify with their desire to dress even if i don?t deal with the desire to ?be a woman?, or Struggle with gender identity, etc... in the end, IMO it?s still the female form and the female attributes I find appealing and desirable. I?m honestly not interested in dating men- holding hands with them, kissing them, having romantic dinners with them, spending holidays with them, etc... simply put, I honestly feel comfortable saying that I?m a straight man.

However, when I dress, I do have the desire to be with a man... (I?ll tread lightly here as I know the rules of this board.) it?s a strange dichotomy and many will raise their eyebrows, but it?s really more of a situation of me adopting a more femme role and taking the dressing to another level. I?m a straight ?guys guy? in my ?normal? life but I do have this dressing secret. I now almost constantly fantasize about being fully dressed and being with a man when I dress... the attraction for me is that I?m completely dolled up, exposed, vulnerable, and I submit to a nameless, faceless man.. it?s honestly the act of me doing it that I crave.. not the man specifically... I?ll leave it at that because I don?t want to step on any toes, but it?s purely sexual for me.

I?ve been dealing with this dressing ?desire? for almost my entire life. it started out with just some satin panties, slips, etc.. it evolved as time went on, it became more extensive outfits, heels, boots, etc... fast forward to now, and my dressing style is VERY outrageous and over-the-top. ...but before my bad breakups with women because of my dressing, it was really just the act of me dressing and nothing else that I enjoyed.. I still only found women, trans, cds attractive and I really had no thoughts of men.
I have only shared my dressing secret with a few of the women I?ve dated and it ended quickly and badly afterwards. Since my most significant breakup with my serious ex girlfriend of many years, (who was the the first woman I told about my dressing), I began dressing more and more... I began spending more and more on femme clothing and boots/heels, wigs, makeup, wigs, etc.., multiple boxes were on my doorstep every week. I also began spending much of my free time at home alone dressing and posting pics and chatting online. I ended up open many accounts on many sites where I posted my dressing pics and chatted with people online hoping to make a connection with someone that accepted my dressing, and hoped that it would eventually lead to an actual in-person meeting that I could FINALLY have! TBH, what I want more than anything right now is just to be able to dress with an actual person! I?m so discreet and want to keep it under wraps so badly, that it?s been impossible to meet anybody that I could actually dress with in person! And obviously, it?s almost exclusively guys that I meet. Which is understandable.

So I?ve really only had the fantasy to be with men while fully dressed over the last few years since the breakup. Prior, I had virtually no thought of men.Truthfully, I think it?s because the few girlfriends I did reveal my dressing to seriously tore me down emotionally and made me feel ashamed and guilty about my dressing. Tbh, it was shocking how hateful and unaccepting they were. I sort of expected some level of surprise and maybe even some confused anger?... but I didn?t expect the absolute and immediate level of hate and disgust they IMMEDIATELY displayed. Regardless, of how good I was to them before (and I was VERY good to them) the moment I told them, I was berated, belittled, and marginalized. Their entire concept of me as a person changed and I was less of a man in their eyes. And that was only me telling them that I had ?kinda-sorta? crossdessed before... I didn?t even tell them about the full wardrobe and the extent of my dressing. Regardless, they attacked with both barrels And it hurt me deeply ...and it?s probably the reason why my dressing has now evolved to my fantasy of being a submissive sissy dressed in trashy, wild clothing and being vulnerable, exposed and submissive to a man... and I won?t lie, it does turn me on. But, while I still have the thrill and the love of dressing, I also now have this level of shame and sadness because of how those relationships ended.

I also find that the uptick in my dressing since my breakup years ago has made it much more difficult to date new women.., I still hide my dressing, but when I?m honestly interested in a woman, I find that I feel guilty about keeping it from her and I?m also always wondering what she would think of me if she knew my desires to be used be a man while I dressed. I guess I sort of end up feeling like I don?t deserve her? I should probably just keep those feelings and thoughts to myself but they still persist and I?m sure that it shows in some way.. maybe that I?m a little aloof, or guarded, or self-conscious, or nervous, etc... and holds me back.. on the other hand, if I?m not really making an instant connection with a girl, I quickly find that I?d rather be at home dressing and fantasizing.

In some ways, I think I just need to finally be fully dressed with a man and get it out of my system so that I finally know what it?s like and can move on... maybe I love it and keep doing it and it helps my come to terms with my dressing, ... or maybe I feel indifferent and can do it again or not do it again but I don?t feel the urge to do it or the shame for constantly having those desires and fantasies?... or maybe I don?t like it at all and I just don?t do it again?.. regardless of the outcome, I?ll finally know and then I can proceed accordingly with a better understanding of what i actually, truly want.

Maybe you need to just take the plunge too? Obviously, be careful, but just do it and see what happens. It?s not like there?s a dating resume? you have to put the experience on when you start dating another woman.

Michelle, I know how you feel. It's not uncommon in our community.

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Originally Posted by Michelle43

As I'm getting older I've decided that I just want to enjoy my life. I've only dated women all my life but sometimes i've fantasized about men especially while in femme. My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me about earlier this year and it's been really tough for me. I've dated around a little since but haven't been able to connect with any women, I don't know why. I still find women incredibly attractive. I've been a life long closet CD. Recently I've been seeking to meet a guy (online dating) to see what happens. I've talked to a few but haven't worked up the courage to go out and actually meet up. Secretly I'm hoping to meet a guy that is ok with my Cd'ing. I haven't mentioned this to any guy i've talked to. Like I said I still haven't worked up the courage to go out and meet with anyone. I would love to hear your thoughts about my situation and see if any of you have been in a similar situation.

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You sound just like I used to be. I had one long term relationship with a woman(12years) and quite a few other shorter term relationships. I kept asking myself why did they always fail. So like you I started to think maybe I?m gay. So after a few years I plucked up the courage to meet a man off a gay dating site. He turned out to be really nice so I agreed to go to his house the next day. OMG what an experience. Like a duck to water. I couldn?t believe it. I met a few other men after that and now I?m absolutely 100% gay. I can still look at women and think they?re beautiful and sexy, but in bed I know it would be a bit of a chore. With a man it?s so different. I love it. I could spend all day in bed with a man and still want more. My big regret it?s not acting sooner.
If you look at pictures of naked men and get aroused then maybe it?s time you give it a try!
Gordon

For some having sex has nothing to do with love but I'm not like that at all.
In order for me to engage in sex there has to be a bond of some sort or a form of love.
Men are much easier to be in a relationship with they just aren't as complex. The 2 gay relationships I have been in over the years was fabulous.
My first time with a guy was earth shattering to say the least.

It's true that gay men aren't interested in CDs. But there sure are a lot of "hetero" men that are very interested. Those are mostly men with wives that won't do anything "kinky" or their marriage has just become sexless.

But if you really want to get back in the swing of dating women you just have to get your head in the right place.

I really dislike lables - gay, straight, bi, pan etc etc etc...why cant we just be Human...?

The first thing to do is understand your depression and anxiety. Diving into a relationship or experiment without truly understanding yourself can lead to further depression and anxiety. I agree with all here who recommend seeing/talking to a professional. Figuring that out and learning to cope with it is your first step.

As for realizing or acting on your fantasy - understand that fantasies are sometimes best left as fantasies. Especially in your case where it may be motivated by that depression.

Having said that, if you want to try life on the wild side, go for it but, as others have said, be careful and understand that starting into a relationship with a gay man with you as the woman is frought with dangers and more disappointments. And here i speak from personal experience. I've had several intimate relationships with men. My first was with my best friend in high school. Obviously, we wre both young and inexperienced. At the time, i'd just started to dress and i brought that into our relationship. He was ok with it because, well, we were both trying to find out what it was all about. We were together for about a year (in secret of course) until he and his family moved. I'd lost track of him for a while until a few years ago. He is since married to a wonderful man. I asked him if his husband dresses? He said no. As we talked, i discsoverd that my former BF is into very masculine men. Very common in gay relationships. My second LTR with a man was after i left the army and graduated from law school. There, my BF knew that i dressed but hated seeing en femme. It is whatt led to our very ugly breakup. Are there gay men who find CDs attractive? Of course
there are but finding them is like finding a woman who likes her husband to be feminine and dressed. It happens but its rare.

So,bottom line - if all youare looking for is casual sex to realize a fanatasy - be careful. The pitfalls are deep and treacherous on so many levels. Just know and understand what you are getting into when and if you decide to go that route.

Sabrina, Very well said.

Keep in mind, your man of your dreams may say it is 8 inches in reality it smells like a foot!

Best advice I can give to you right now is find yourself before looking for someone else. Be that a straight CD, a Bi CD, Gay CD, or transgender what ever. I domt know much about you. Also I don't have any answers for you, that is what you need to find. Let go of the stigmas of being what have you and find yourself, what makes you happy. Once you know that then you will have a much easier time finding a friend, be it male or female.

I know a lot about depression and anxiety. When I was younger I cycled between anxiety/depression/rage/euphoria but mostly it was anxiety and depression. I was under psychiatric care by the time I was 9 and institutionalized by 12. Basically I was suffering from what is now called complex-PTSD. Up until puberty, I fantasized a lot about being a girl, but now I started fantasizing about being a girl sexually. During this time I had a couple of sexual experiences with girls that were disastrous. I felt like a total loser in that department. After that, the idea of taking the male role in sex filled me with dread. In my imagination, it seemed like it would be much easier to take the female role. All I had to do was look pretty and submit to his whims. I would also have lesbian and female domination fantasies for the same reason. Anything as long as it didn't involve me using my penis. At some point I decided that I must be gay or bi and I should just get on with it. The problem was that I just didn't find guys attractive in real life. That's putting it nicely. I was attracted to the idea of being a girl or a gay bottom. I didn't understand it clearly. But I finally realized that I wasn't into guys. Ultimately the solution, since I really was attracted to females, was to find the ones that were as sexually messed up as I was but in a somewhat compatible way. That's been a wild ride in both extremely good and bad experiences but good on balance. I wonder sometimes how things would have turned out if I had taken the plunge. Part of me wants to think that things would have been easier and made more sense if I were gay and another part thinks I would have had a worse set of problems since I can't imagine having sex with a man as a man nor can I imagine having any romantic feelings for a dude. I liken it to how I used to have vivid dreams and fantasies about being able to fly. I would just move my arms about and I could swim through the air. It was a wonderful feeling. But when I got up on the roof and looked down I didn't really feel like flying anymore.

Definitely a theme going on here, Michelle. "Find yourself" is very good advice. Deal with the depression and other issues before entering into any kind of relationship. Then you will know what you want and can pursue it from that pos

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Originally Posted by Sabrina133

I really dislike lables - gay, straight, bi, pan etc etc etc...why cant we just be Human...?
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U may hate labels but they r very important to most of us, Sabrina!:straightface:

I used to have a T friend I hung around with. He said he was straight like me. Until one time we were alone together and he said he was turned on by Sherry!:eek:
End of our "hanging out"!:thumbsdn:

I met me current, close, T friend, Cindi, and she explained she's straight, too. And, she is! We've been hanging out and traveling together for 5 years!:thumbsup:

I would not date a female if she said she was a lesbian. I would not "date" a gay guy. I wouldn't hire someone who said he was a roofer to fix my plumbing!:sad:

It seems to me, the only folks NOT interested in people's labels r hermits. U know, folks who never get out to meet anyone?:heehee:

As Dan Savage says, to have a relationship you need to be in good working order. Based on your comments, right now it seems you could probably use talking to a counselor, as others have suggested.

As to finding someone to explore a relationship with a man, I suspect if you look in the right places, you can find one. I just checked the numbers on the site; 222 people, 12 members and 210 guests. My suspicion is that a number of the 210 guests are admirers, who WOULD be interested in a relationship with a CD.

Michelle, I agree with what most of our members have been saying here. To start with, if for whatever reason you "haven't been able to connect with any women" recently, why do you think you'd do any better connecting with a man, sexually that is? In any case if anxiety is your major problem in relationships, you'd be far wiser to seek competent therapy for that, and for your depression, as a surer route toward new relationships in the future.

Although I'm also "straight," like some others here I admit I have toyed now and again with fantasies of sex with a man--always crossdressed of course, in the role of a woman. The notion of "gay" sex turns me right off. However, I agree with Tracii that for many of us, these ideas are better left as fantasies! Fantasy and reality are different.

I know this is quite another issue, but conversations about fantasy remind me of one I had long ago with a past (and treasured) girlfriend about how some women can enjoy a "rape fantasy." I had no trouble understanding what she was telling me. A fantasy is one thing, and can be pleasurable; rape in reality is of course ugly, brutal, and dehumanizing.

About sex with a guy, naturally "your mileage may vary"--though frankly I doubt it. Speaking for myself, I've never sought to act out such a fantasy, and I don't foresee ever doing so. There's more than one reason for this. Being married in the long term has been the first good reason! Apart from that, there can be distinct health risks, and in addition I've heard that some such encounters can turn violent. That's three good reasons right there.

However, there's still a fourth reason: namely, the fear that such an encounter in reality, unlike the fantasy, is likely to prove disappointing at best, or worse still, repulsive.

That's because a fantasy can be exactly the way we want to make it in our own minds, but reality doesn't give us that choice. Reality forces us to accept the whole package with all five senses. We have to take reality as it is: what the other person looks like, feels like, sounds like, smells like, tastes like, and actually does "with" us or "to" us. If any of that turns out distasteful to us, we're "SOL"!

If we have a particular sexual orientation--if we're gynephilic as you and I are, finding women "incredibly attractive" as you said--we generally find all aspects of women erotic: face, voice, body, aromas, feminine carriage and behavior, and so forth. If we're not truly androphilic, if we're not attracted to men in the same holistic way, it's likely that we're only attracted to one or more aspects of a relationship or encounter with a man that we might fantasize about, while other aspects might frankly revolt us!

These aspects can be many and varied, and different people who are "bi-curious" may find different subsets of these aspects attractive, while other aspects are repugnant to them. So you may find it worth your while to take an inventory of what attracts you about the notion of a relationship with a guy, while also paying attention to aspects of maleness you might find unattractive.

Needless to say, these include social and emotional traits along with the physical. You might ask yourself some questions--privately of course--such as why sex with a guy attracts you more than usual at this particular point in your life. Is it just a "bucket list" thing that's come to the forefront just because you're at a loose end right now with no permanent relationship? Or is there more to it at a social or emotional level?

For instance, do you feel you "get on better" with men than with women, that you have more in common with men in terms of shared interests or modes of thinking, and have more difficulty relating to women?

Alternatively, if you suffer from anxiety, do you feel that a male partner would be a source of strength and confidence that you need, while women are always looking to you for support that you feel unable to give? Then too, if anxiety affects your sexual performance, do you imagine yourself more at ease with a male partner who takes the initiative sexually, instead of with a woman who expects you to "perform" and leaves you feeling inadequate if you can't? Would you feel as comfortable living full time with a male partner as with a female partner? Could you, in the deepest romantic and emotional sense, imagine yourself "in love" with a man?

What aspects of dating a guy appeal to you, and which do not? Are you, like some people here, attracted to the notion of "being treated like a lady," romanced with dinner and flowers and courtesy and generally taken care of? How do you feel about kissing a guy? (That inevitably brings Katy Perry to mind, although of course she's the other sex. Could you "kiss a guy and like it?") How about cuddling with a guy? Sleeping next to a guy? How do you feel about the male body, or a male voice in your ear? A young guy, a muscular guy, a middle-aged man with a paunch? If and when it came to sex, would "anything goes" be OK with you, or just certain activities and no others? I don't need to name them; I'm only saying you might not get what you bargained for!

I say all this because I've noticed with interest that when it comes to the fantasy of dating a guy, different CDers are attracted to different aspects of it--and some of them are mutually exclusive! Several of our members, like Doc here, have said they'd enjoy the idea of "being treated like a woman." Yet they have no desire whatsoever to engage with what they call "man parts"! This euphemism is delicious for more reasons than one, because it could cover anything "male" that's not the slightest bit erotic to them, from bulging biceps and sixpacks all the way down to you-know-what! As for how they feel about anything in between, like kissing a guy, I guess we'd have to ask them.

And on the other hand there are CDers for whom the opposite is true: that it is specifically the notion of sex (in some form) with a guy that attracts them, even if they're not necessarily attracted to men overall. This is like being attracted to "part" of a guy without being attracted to the guy as a whole! What happens if they ever try it out I have no idea. If androphilia is involved, it's extremely fragmentary and incomplete.

Perhaps it is the phallus that attracts some people in a fetishistic fashion. But all this makes more sense to me if I view it in terms of roles. I have a suspicion that when many CDers find themselves attracted in some vague, incomplete way to the notion of dating a man, it's not so much that they find males per se so objectively erotic. Rather, it's the subjective enjoyment of playing a female role that's so gratifying, whether it's social, sexual or otherwise. This idea "fits" for many people, however different they may be as individuals. If what's enjoyable is the fantasy of "being treated like a woman by a man," without any desire whatsoever for sex with a man, clearly that's about indulging in the social pleasures of a female role. If what's alluring is the notion of sex with a man, without feeling any real erotic attraction to men as a whole, that's about indulging in the fantasy of sex in a female role: of exciting a partner sexually and being "possessed," no doubt "penetrated" in one way or another, "yielding and taking a partner's power and strength into oneself." I think this is what SHINY-J was talking about here. Needless to say, this would only feel right as long as one is "dressed for the part," en femme. It was never about "gay" male sex: not subjectively at any rate.

Do you REALLY want sex with a guy? I hope detailed questions like these will help you sort out the mixed feelings you might have about various aspects of experimenting with a male partner. I'm sure it can be a "dichotomy," as SHINY-J said: that some aspects of the idea may attract you, but others may be a turnoff. Among others I found Maria's comment illustrated this dichotomy very well: that a man's hand up her skirt, feeling her legs, was arousing, but to her, being naked with a man is "not me"! (I have to add that it's "not me" either!) How far do you really want to go? A man's hand sliding up your skirt, stroking your thigh--is that arousing to you, or is it creepy? Even if it is arousing, how about kissing a guy? Would you welcome a guy's tongue probing into your mouth? Some would, but some wouldn't. What if he's got a beard or a mustache? How does it feel? Do you like his cologne? Does any of that make any difference? Maybe you're OK with all that, so you're in private at last with your arms around his neck while you're kissing standing up. He's got his arms around your waist, clutching you against him, you can feel he's (ahem!) "turned on," eager to go, and suddenly you can feel his hands firmly unzipping your skirt down the back. Is that "arousing"--or frightening? Do you cling to him all the tighter, thinking "yes, please, do it to me!" or do you want to run right out the door? After he's taken your skirt off, are you still happy with whatever he wants to do next, when he starts unbuckling his belt and getting down to business? Come to that, what does he smell like?

These are some of the kinds of questions I think anyone should ask themselves before seriously considering sex with a guy. It does work out for some, I know. But for me at least, I agree with Tracii that some ideas are better explored in the privacy of the mind than in reality!

Thanks a lot, Marianne S. I wan't planning on a cold shower this morning!

Well said Marianne.I think you summed this up very well.CDer's who fantasize about dating men basically fall into 2 groups.
1.Those who would want a full time relationship,sexual in nature and 2. those who would like to date to fulfill a strong desire take their female role a step further but not beyond that.
I fit the second.I would love being treated like a lady by a nice gentleman.Dinner,dancing,flowers and foreplay for me is so alluring but a sexual relationship is for me repugnant.
And this could only work if I'm dressed for the part,if not,the female role is gone and it's gay male sex.Would not be happy with my skirt off!

Marrianne S. Thank you so very much for your very well thought out, important posting here. You covered all the bases, and made me think a lot. You hit it on the nail head Carolyn, you said it for me, too. I think i just have the fantasy, of playing the lady role, up to a point, but not full sex. I am not attracted to men, nor most women, but when all dolled up, fantasize about dancing with guys, being touched and caressed, but no penetration. I am realizing this is quite selfish of me, too, and i am turning away now from fulfilling the fantasy, as it is using a man for my selfish fantasy, but i would not want anything to do with being with a guy sexually in guy mode.

Alice that is so honorable to consider the man,s feelings.
I too would hate to think I used a person to just fulfill a personal fantasy.
Using people is just wrong and a horrible thing to do to someone.

Sometimes I wonder if i am not bi, but then I think of sex with some big hairy guy and I want to puke! I am not sure what women find attractive with that type! Perhaps some younger, (no, not that young!), slim, petite, clean cut guy, but I still don't think I would go through with it.

No mater anyway. Happily married and not going to mess that up!

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Originally Posted by Jean 103

Maybe you need help or not but to answer your question.
There are also straight guys looking to experiment. I would stir clear of these people, at least till you have more experience. Even than they are more trouble than they're worth.

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This statement is true. Some straight guys are attracted to trans women, then after sex think they have turned gay and it impacts their masculinity somehow. Then they can become violent to prove they aren't gay.

Perhaps you are bi-sexual and there's nothing wrong with that, but only you can determine if you are. Experimenting with sex isn't the answer. You have to know whether you are attracted to the male gender or not. And like most people, you know at a young age who you are attracted too way before you ever have sex.

Take care of yourself first and make sure that you are happy with you before you do anything along these lines.

Doing something with a guy was something I had thought about and flirted around the edges of going back to my high school days. I told my wife about it and we talked it over and even worked it into some of our fantasies. One day she just looked at me while we were watching TV and asked me if I really, REALLY wanted to be with a guy. Yes, I did, but didn’t know how to go about it, hence the fantasies. We have a friend who is bi that at that point we had known for about 10 years who had split with his wife because of his being bi. He was over at our place a couple times a month for dinner and movies and we had joked about a 3sum a few times when we were all a little tipsy. My wife suggested talking to him and feeling him out on it if I was serious so the next time he was over I made sure to get the alcohol flowing and jokingly brought it up. Fast forward a few months and some more drunken discussions and we had our first 3sum.

Now we get together at least once a month for a 3sum and he and I get together 2 or 3 times a month on our own. Am I worried about it? No, it’s just sex for us and our friend likes it this way too. Do I dress when he and I are together – I wear a bra and panties every day, so from that standpoint yes. He sees them when I undress, but I don’t wear anything else around him – he has no interest in it at all.

Am I glad I did it? Yes, Yes I am. Thanks to my wife I was able to explore another desire of mine and make it come true. It also verified for me that yes, I am bi as well.

Funny, it's usually the "straight guys" who want to experiment with 'girls'. Which I've always taken to mean that they want to try a little homosexual action while maintaining their "straight" definition. It seems like hetero guys can accept a little man-on-man play, if one of the men is dressed like a woman. LOTS of denial involved, methinks....

To the OP: if you want to play with a man and see what it's like, I say go for it. There is nothing wrong with a little experimentation. You might find you enjoy it, or that you don't. But you'll never know until you do try it.

But, for safety's sake, make sure your playmate knows what is under your skirt, AND read up on how to prepare for backdoor activities, if that is your goal. And for the love of all that's holy, use protection! Sex is fun, but not worth dying for.

be very careful my first time with a guy didnt go so good we got drunk later he asked if i would dress for him i did and after a while he got me in bed and he raped me i tried to fight him off but i was too drunk. when he finished i ran out the house back to my moms house i was 14 he was 20 to this day i regret ever putting myself in that situation. be sure its what you want and be safe .Dont drink .:hugs:

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Originally Posted by BettyMorgan

you know at a young age who you are attracted too way before you ever have sex.

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I disagree. I think we are culturally programmed to choose straight as the default. If we grew up seeing other-than-straight relationships as equally accepted, expected, and celebrated options, we might have chosen differently. I think a lot of other-than-straight people end up in straight relationships far a lot of reasons, and they make it work to the best of their ability.

Another thing. Even on this board it seems you're supposed to be attracted to either (traditional) men or women. What about this whole middle ground that many (most? all?) of us exist within? Isn't it just possible that some combination of male and female is a legitimate and equal option and might just be the perfect recipe for some man or some woman or some person who is also a combination of both?