Trouble with my own acceptance at times...

So for the past few weeks I have not been all that excited about dressing up to the extent I have been. I know the first thing that comes to mind is burn out and to me I don't think that is what it is this time.

At the moment I do have a lot of things going on in my life. But I have noticed at times that I wonder if I fully accept this part of me. There are times that I will look in the mirror and be confident in myself and then there are times that I'm not so much. I know I am not a GG (though I wish I was at times) and am happy with the effort I put in but I can look at my selfies at times and see my flaws, and obvious signs of a mans face and for some reason that will turn me off to the want to do it just like how I will look at some of my good photos and think dam I look great.

Now I'm not saying I should be excited and giddy when I dress everyday as it has become the norm now. But I tend to ask myself questions like "why do I do this if I only hid in my home" "Is there more to this? Is it a gender issue?" "is this a phase that I will drop in the future like I have with trying to learn drums, bass guitar, karate, etc"

I feel like I am looking for a reason but in turn its the possibility that I don't 100% accept myself yet. Like I've mentioned before I have an amazing wife that pretty much lets me have carte blance, on top of a few family members that know.

Depression dose not seem to help the cause, but I feel not accepting myself 100% is probably a factor in it.

I don't know if I am just ranting but I wanted to share my current thoughts and feelings. I have never had a huge friend circle let alone ones that know about me. This forum has been good to me in the past and other than my therapist this is one of the few places I feel I can talk to someone.

-Jessica

I definitely understand what you are saying Jessica. I have found in my relatively short time of active CDing that my interest in dressing up waxes and wanes. I too look in the mirror or at photos with disappointment at the maleness of some. However, I find that my interest in crossdressing is never far from my mind, and I try to use my lesser photos as a personal critique in order to improve my presentation. When I feel it is improving, have a successful out and about experience or receive an unsolicited compliment it is a big lift. Most of all tho I consider my time online or in person speaking with others of our persuasion to be part of my overall CD experience. It would seem shallow without it, and I think we agree on that point.

I think self doubt can be healthy and fluctuating levels of interest in crossdressing is pretty normal.

Maybe 100% self acceptance is not essential. Maybe one might instead learn to accept that your feelings about crossdressing may fluctuate now and then.

As for depression, it seems wise to address that as a separate issue. Its too easy for some people to convince themselves that they might be depressed because of crossdressing, or for the lack of opportunity to cross dress, or even that their depression is an response to repressed gender identity. While it could be causal, it?s also possible that a person may suffer from depression independently from any of these. I would caution mistaking positive feelings that one might associate with crossdressing as a remedy for depression.

I'm sure there are many of us here on the forum who would have many of the same thoughts. I've been in therapy for three years now and it has helped me clarify who I am and where I feel that I fit in the world. I saw your pics in the CK dress thread and you looked very pretty. I don't look pretty. I'm fine with that and I don't do female, just feminine. I've worked through any question of gender and know that i love being a man with no wish to be otherwise. But, my taste would never be considered to be masculine and my wife would much prefer that it was more masculine. I tend to think of all the feminine quirks are an extension of my masculinity rather than a retreat into femininity. That understanding within myself has helped me to increasingly own the things I like even though others might not approve.

I have come to a point of 95% self acceptance with an increasing need to more publicly express my taste in spite of the fact that I know my taste will not fit into my current world. It's all experimental for me as I'm finding which things feel right. I've embarrassed myself once by pushing too hard into a feminine male public presentation. The number of people who saw me was small, but I still cringe when I picture the look on the face of one particular young woman. I analyzed that trip and came to the conclusion that i just combined too many feminine expressions at one time, especially with makeup, and realize that it doesn't even feel authentic to me. Now, I've found that very subtle mascara and eye shadow with maybe a touch of near natural colored lipstick or gloss work for me, even in drab. I've been running errands like that for probably a month.

I know I'm an oddity in my particular world. But, I'm slowly embracing my oddness as just being an eccentric old man with femme tastes.

I guess your rant kinda led to my rant. I appreciate that you posted this. A lot of us are working through those same issues.

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Originally Posted by Kris Burton

I have found in my relatively short time of active CDing that my interest in dressing up waxes and wanes. I too look in the mirror or at photos with disappointment at the maleness of some. However, I find that my interest in crossdressing is never far from my mind, and I try to use my lesser photos as a personal critique in order to improve my presentation.

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I can relate to this as well. For a while I look forward to it and then there are times where I don't and one thing I always hate, is I always jump to thinking that this will come to an end and fade away. Its one of my fears because inside I know I love doing this, I know I love to dress and feel feminine. But its frustrating that I let the smallest things question the bigger picture. While I have not experienced going out yet, while I am eager, and I was determined at the start of the year to make it my goal, I let the possibility of a bad experience get me down before it even starts. A bad habit that I need to work on, but its easier said then done.
Yes I do also myself consider this group as part of the experience and it is sometimes nice to hear that you're not alone.

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Maybe 100% self acceptance is not essential. Maybe one might instead learn to accept that your feelings about crossdressing may fluctuate now and then.

As for depression, it seems wise to address that as a separate issue. Its too easy for some people to convince themselves that they might be depressed because of crossdressing, or for the lack of opportunity to cross dress, or even that their depression is an response to repressed gender identity.

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Kim, I can agree on multiple points. I seem to have a hard time accepting that these feelings may fluctuate and that it is ok, but for some reason when they do, like I mentioned above I jump to the possibility of this going away all together, which I don't think it ever will but for some reason I think that way.
In regards to depression, I have been told by my therapist and psychiatrist that I have moderate depression and anxiety and ADHD. The depression and anxiety is something that has been an ongoing issue for a couple years. What it stems from I am still trying to figure out.
I know a potential factor is due to the world we live in and how hard it would be to go out and express myself how I want to, without worrying what others think or say, another thing that is easier said than done. What makes that hard as during my entire childhood in school I was bullied until end of high school. Part of me just expects it even though something like that might not happen.

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I have come to a point of 95% self acceptance with an increasing need to more publicly express my taste in spite of the fact that I know my taste will not fit into my current world. It's all experimental for me as I'm finding which things feel right. I've embarrassed myself once by pushing too hard into a feminine male public presentation. The number of people who saw me was small, but I still cringe when I picture the look on the face of one particular young woman.

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Bea,this is something I too fear. The possibility that the first time may be bad and therefore bring me to the point where I would never go out again if I eventually do. For me on some days I do feel like I accept myself 90% but then there are others where the 10% takes over and I dwell on that which does no good. I feel part of what brings that on is when you are reminded in the news or media about what the majority people feel about people like us. Some times I feel like its a punishment as I was not always a saint myself when it came to this topic/situation. But it does affect me now when I hear some people or some of my extended family easily throw out what they feel on this topic.

I think I'm definitely older than you and I can probably guess what's in store for you.
I have good news and bad news.
The bad: full acceptance has never been achieved for me.
The good: it's possible to live with it and be happy.
If you are heterosexual, then probably, as with me, cross-dressing is an extreme form of fetishism.
With my appearance, sometimes I'm happy, sometimes not. Otherwise, we are guys, we resemble women, and yet even GGs have the most varied objections to their appearance.
I started showing myself in public barely two years ago, before that I only dared to fantasize about it.
It turned out that I was blending in.
Did it bring me any relief or satisfaction?
I think a little bit, yes.
If you don't jeopardize your relationship this way, put on a dress and go among the people. You will feel happy and fulfilled, but doubts about the meaning of what you are doing will remain.
If your photos were not enhanced, you will blend in without the slightest problem.
If you were to jeopardize your relationship - give up going out. Show yourself on the forum: you look great and we all dream of being a pretty girl like you.

FWIW, it may be time to seek the assistance of a professional. Gender dysphoria can be very much like clinical depression in how it presents. You deserve to be happy, and sorting things out is usually a requirement to self-acceptance. Sometimes, it takes more than one's will alone to gain that acceptance. :)

Jessica,

None of us is perfect. We all can look in the mirror and see our male selves to some degree. And remember, of all the bad things you believe may occur in the future, 99.9% will never happen.

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Originally Posted by Jessica G.

Bea, this is something I too fear. The possibility that the first time may be bad and therefore bring me to the point where I would never go out again if I eventually do.

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My outing to a small coffee shop during the fall of last year was a bust. I had been exploring the idea of doing "exposure therapy", the type of therapy for those with actual phobias. I dressed in a woman's top, woman's jeans, my long hair down, mascara, eyeshadow, lipstick and carried a purse, all with my beard showing that i was in no way wanting to appear as a woman. I think i chose to go with way too many feminine cues for a man with a beard. The eye shadow and the lipstick pushed it right over the top. But, it was an experiment that didn't have the outcome I'd hoped for. I got to the register at the coffee shop and the young male barista treated me like he would anyone else. But, the attractive young female barista beside him seemed to throw up in her mouth a little bit. Exactly the type of person that I'd like to have a favorable opinion of me was the one who reacted the most negatively.

But, I went back to the same coffee shop with less over the top feminine cues and thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Nobody cheered when i went in, but nobody reacted negatively. I'm not even sure how many noticed me at all. I wrote about the experience here ( https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...4115-Small-win ).

All that to say that a bad experience makes it harder to be motivated for another, but it was worth it. Set a goal and do what it takes. You should count the costs of worst case, which in my case was not particularly high on those mornings. But, don't think that one person thinking ill of you is reason enough to not express what you feel needs to be expressed.

Betty, Thank you for you for sharing your experience and for your nice complements.
It seems that acceptance is a common topic, in a way this helps as it makes me feel a little less alone.
I don't like that some people tend to gravitate to it being a form a fetishism. I will say in the beginning there may of been some form of arousement, but its not what I would consider for myself.
Its the want to be able to present myself the way I like, and the feelings and contentment of being dressed as a woman. It just feels so normal and right.
I do have a feeling that not going out in public plays a factor, but its hard at times as much as I would love to blend in, its kind of hard to not draw attention standing at 6'5. I draw enough attention as a male with my height, and this is not what I would like dressed up.
It has been something I want to do, and tried to make it a goal at the beginning of 2024 but now its fading away because of my lack of self confidence. Just something I need to work on. :)

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Originally Posted by Aunt Kelly

FWIW, it may be time to seek the assistance of a professional. Gender dysphoria can be very much like clinical depression in how it presents

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This is something I would not rule out but I have yet to talk about it as I don't know how to go about it. Like I mentioned above part of me wishes I was born a woman at times and I have even expressed this with my wife and that becoming Jessica by just CDing is the closest I can get to that. Maybe it is something I should bring up with my therapist in the future. But my fears are if this is true, I don't think I could ever make it a reality because of family, work, friends. It sucks in a way that I worry about others before myself and my happiness.

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Originally Posted by Fiona_44

And remember, of all the bad things you believe may occur in the future, 99.9% will never happen.

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Fiona, very wise words that I hope I can come to grips with. :)

Bea, thank you for sharing your story. Its surprising that the GG's would be the ones reacting that way. I always expect that it would be the men making fun or acting that way.
I guess in a way I am worried because of something that happened a while back before I found this forum. I was in a crossdressing group on Quora and it took me a while for me to post pics.
When I did the community was great. I loved posting and also complementing others on there looks.
One day I found my post and but it was shared by someone on there page, and others who were not in the group could comment. I saw comments like, "look at this idiot not fooling anyone with those big man hands" or "clearly a dude, needs to get some help" after I saw that I scrubbed my account and it took me some time to feel like I could post photos again. Part of it was my fault as I didn't think that it may get seen by others and while people talk the worse behind a keyboard, what's to say it does not happen in person.
Sure I would love to go out, and have a wonderful time, and be happy with no care in the world about what people think. But with what happened in the past I think keeps me from doing that partially. You have given me some good food for thought. Thank you for that.

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Originally Posted by Jessica G.

I do have a feeling that not going out in public plays a factor, but its hard at times as much as I would love to blend in, its kind of hard to not draw attention standing at 6'5. I draw enough attention as a male with my height, and this is not what I would like dressed up.

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I don't personally relate to wanting to pass as a woman, just as I'm well aware that many here wouldn't relate to my being dressed as a feminine man. And being 5'8" myself, I can't relate to 6'5" all that much. But, I thought I'd add a story about an encounter in my past.

It was ten or twelve years ago that my wife and I stopped at a Cracker Barrel in western New Mexico. In the gift shop I passed an attractive young woman who looked very classy and understated, but she her height also caught my attention. I'm guessing she was probably 6'3" to 6'5 as a distant memory.

I didn't really spend a lot of time staring because I didn't want to be the creepy old man. She was very attractive. She wore a fitted green dress and had an slim understated figure. She had her hair up. Her makeup was impeccable. The encounter took seconds and my observations were limited. It wasn't until after the fact that I came to the conclusion that I'd actually encountered another well put together crossdresser. If I were not in this world myself, I don't think I'd have ever made that leap. My point is, she was very believable and, although she was dressed very nicely for a Cracker Barrel, she wasn't overdone.

So even if there are people who might not appreciate who you are, there are probably many more who will admire you and admire your courage without feeling free to comment.

I never really got comfortable with the idea of being a crossdresser until I got out and met people in social settings. It becomes a lot easier to be self accepting once you meet people more accepting that you are of yourself, figuratively speaking that is, not specifically you. At least that is how it worked for me, and with the support of others, confidence goes way up.

Sandi

Sandi may be right - sometimes interacting with people outside the house may help us accept who we are

Hi Jessica

Like you I'm a 'home cat' I know I'm not a GG and only started to dress and behave as I do because my wife likes me too but am now becoming more confident and comfortable in my appearance.
At the moment I'm not comfortable enough in going public because I still feel like a man despite encouragement from my wife and positive feedback from the wonderful members here as I know that I would be extremely self- conscious.
I don't feel the need to talk to therapists as my wife is amazing and supportive, although as this lifestyle was her idea she is bias.
I will undoubtedly venture out one way or another and hopefully it will not be a negative experience but my wife will always be there to support me and god help anyone who annoys her.

Amy x

Jessica, by making resolutions you thereby shoulder the burden of duty.
And yet by showing up in public you will be neither better nor worse.
Enjoy what you have, because you present yourself superbly.
Maybe some impulse will decide for you?
Such was the case with me, because of the potential consequences I never considered going out, although of course I was very tempted to do so.
One late afternoon, when I was taking advantage of a few days of solitude to change my clothes and do my makeup, which went as well as rarely, I got a reminder that I had not picked up a package from the postal machine.
It was a pity to change back and as I stood there, I got into the car, finally I didn't have to talk to anyone, just drive up to the market where the vending machine stands, enter the code, take out the package and back, to the car.
There were some people hanging around the store, but no one looked in my direction.
So I was in no hurry to get into the car. Further on, no one was looking. And then a crazy thought dawned on me: what if I went into the store!
Inside further nothing, zero attention.
I made some small purchases, at the checkout the girl with a bored face asked "do you pay with a card?".
Well, and there it was after the first "big" exit from the closet.
So as you can see, it was not a matter of either greater courage or disposition, just a coincidence:) :)

Jessica,

All I see is a beautiful lady...you go girl. (Love your hair)

Davina

You have had some great responses to your post and I don't have much to add to what they have already said. This behavior is very complex and at the level of a crossdresser it can definitely exhibit an off and on type of pattern with periods of uncertainty mixed with periods of certainty and high confidence. At the level of full on transgenderism where the person rarely has any feeling other than they are female-like if male sexually or male-like if female sexually. You are light years from that kind of identity structure.

The main task at the level you are at is to react to whatever urges you have in a way that feels right in its consistency with the structure of your sense of self at that time. Sometimes just little things can be affirming to yourself, like a dab of fragrance on your upper lip if you respond strongly to feminine aromas. If the contrarian demons go to sleep then you are on to something that is calming and satisfying even though it is a tiny thing.

Going out in public is not necessary but it does add a completely new experience and can be affirming if you are among people who are accepting; it can definitely alleviate the uncertainty you may feel regarding yourself. Even one sincere "Mam" can put you way beyond Cloud 9 in affirmation of your identity in your sense of self. But not everyone needs that public affirmation. Experiment, try new things. If they go well add them to your purse; if they go badly recognize that acceptance is not guaranteed but is individualized.

Depression doesn't help and is a possible big factor in your comfort. Shift your behavior around and see how it feels. If it fits incorporate that; if it doesn't try not do that again. But always keep in mind that we are each like a piece of Silly Putty - we are not fixed and can take many shapes and forms. But some things fit better at the time than others and that calls for experimentation to find the comfortable form for you. Turn that experimentation into a fun journey of exploring your deeper self. Keep a diary or journal and read what you wrote before often enough to refresh your memory about all the variations you have gone through. Think more in terms of the present rather than being goal oriented because life is lived in the here and now and not the dreams of what could be. Have fun; if it isn't fun don't do it.

Jessica,

Many people here experience the feelings you are talking about, me included.
Taking the next steps in the self discovery of this side of you is scary and can have some negative consequences, especially if you subconsciously are already looking for bad things to potentially happen.

I would highly recommend dipping your toes in the "going out" water by attending an event where the risk of issues is low and the chance of acceptance is high. I believe the Keystone Conference is coming up in a few weeks and I cant think of a better scenario for you to be out among people who are guaranteed to accept you.
Without having to worry about the acceptance part of the outing, you can focus on enjoying yourself, work on your presentation when out among other people and so on.

Many years ago I went to Southern Comfort Conference (SCC) in Atlanta and had an absolutely wonderful time. I had been out a number of times before that, but I had almost always had the same thoughts and concerns you express. At SCC there was none of that for me and it was just lovely.
I went several years again after that and always had a great time meeting old and new friends and just "living" as Suzie for a few days.

At Keystone you could even bring your wife along if that is of interest, she will be just as welcome and will have a chance to learn more about this while having a little vacation away from home with you.

Something to think about at least.

Hop in the boat, there's room for more.
By your photo I'm going to say you are a bit (being nice) younger than I. At my early stages of full dressing many years ago I was always gung ho. Any chance for any length of time and deluded myself that I was beautiful and sexy. Of course the mirror lies, we all know that. But that was good enough for me at that time. As I aged and dressed more for myself and less for whatever there were many times when I'd wonder why, how long will this last, will I always love being this way. Well, the answer is NO. I don't always love me this way, but I do Like me this way and I accept this is part of the whole.
Certainly there are days I put on my wig, apply my makeup and say "Damn girl, you are fabulous" but there are many more when I'm just like any woman and see nothing but my flaws. I'm too tall, I'm too heavy, I'm too old, I don't have any hips or butt and hate wearing all that padding, I hate this wig and it itches, Oh those darn wrinkles, why do my nails always break just when they are getting pretty.
Everyone is critical of their appearance whether they admit it or not. It's just the way we are.

As for being 6'5". Can you find clothes to fit? Sure you can because there are lots of women who are that tall and taller. Dress for you and be confident in who you are. I used to work with a gal that was 6'3". She always wore 4" heels and mini skirts. She towered over everyone, she knew it and she loved it. People will stare if you are anything but Average in every way. Ignore them, or better yet, stare back. That makes them worry if something is different about them.

Jessica, you're new here as I was when I first came to CD.com a zillian years ago. I was loaded with guilt and shame from my "silly, time wasting, fetishy hobby"!:doh:

But, folks here reminded me: "You're not breaking any laws, doing anything wrong, or hurting anyone but yourself."

It took a few years but I finally bought into that concept. And, altho I'm still a closet dresser in the town where I live, Sherry's blossomed into a fixture at bars and clubs in nearby LA, at T events in Vegas and around the country, and has traveled the world with her Asian T buddy!:battingeyelashes:

U can be the CD or trans you're meant to be, too. U don't need to love your fem self, just learn to accept that side of yourself!:thumbsup:

Hi Jessica, my first question to you would be, what does your wife say, have you talked to her about how you feel? When every I need support my first place to turn is my wife, her hugs and cuddles, can solve any bad feeling. Best of luck, I know you will find a good place. Great big Hugs Rach

I cant thank everyone enough for helping me realize I am not alone and that these struggles are real and happen to most of us.

From what I can see that is common amongst the replies is I may need to suck it up and venture out. I have had the idea in the back of my head that this may be something that is causing this.
When I first started dressing I had the support of my friends and wife.

The first time I left the house dressed was to go to my friend Arturo's house for dinner. I was so scared. I sat in the back, asked my wife if she could drive, asked her not to line up our car with others so that the other drivers could not look over and see me as i had no tint on the car. Then when it came to approaching the gate to be let into my friends community I would slouch down until we past the guard station. When we arrived and I had to leave the car I told my friend to have his garage open so that I can run straight in and get in his house that way. I would look all around to make sure there wasn't anyone outside. This happened a few times until our friendship changed when he continued to make derogatory remarks about women, or the day he cracked a joke when I was moving a couple transmissions into my garage (I work on my classic cars) he said "oh look now there's 3 trannies here...) I shrugged it off but I eventually realized that was not funny... We are still friends today and he as changed but it was something that completely changed our friendship.

My other friends Dannie and Alfredo supported me as well. They helped me out as well and they lived close and it felt a little easier to go over there. They lived in an apartment and sometimes I could not park close. I would have to speed walk but if anyone ever saw me it probably was from a distance. They would encourage me, and it was nice having such supportive friends.
One case was an opportunity to go swimming as they were house sitting a relatives place. This is when I went and purchased my first bathing suit. I was shy but loved it so much and was so happy to be able to experience swimming as Jessica. (Did my best not to mess up my makeup lol)
Now these good experience eventually came to an end as they started seeing me as a sexual object. Only interested in me as Jessica. Finding out that my friend Alfredo is talking to my other friend Arturo (as we are part of the same friend group) on if they would spit roast me.... This was a contributing factor in the ending of our relationship knowing this what is being talked about behind my back.

The reason I bring these 2 experiences up is because both of those sets of friends I knew since High school 14 years ago and affected me a lot as my friend list is so small. I trusted them, I shared pictures (like the ones I share here) with them as they would give me complements on my style and look. They were also the 2 places I had available to venture out of the house. This may be the reason I tend to think the worse as my own closest friends became the exact things I worry about and I never expected it to come from them.

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Originally Posted by AmyJordan

At the moment I'm not comfortable enough in going public because I still feel like a man despite encouragement from my wife and positive feedback from the wonderful members here as I know that I would be extremely self- conscious.
I don't feel the need to talk to therapists as my wife is amazing and supportive, although as this lifestyle was her idea she is bias.

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Amy, its great that you have a supportive wife, this has helped me as well. And yes you do look great like others have told you:)
I don't solely go to therapy because of this and I have no problem going as it do help to talk to someone with no bias and know that my secrets are safe.

Betty
That is what I would hope for if I did go out. It would be hard to do it locally. I have a large family, most within miles of each other not to mention the potential I have to running into some of my tenants (700 of them) as I see some from time to time around the Valley. I feel part of that puts a halt on my venturing out. I would like to do it close to home and not only hours away if I did.
Thank you for your kind comments and sharing your experience. It defiantly helps :)

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Originally Posted by Davina2833

All I see is a beautiful lady...you go girl. (Love your hair)

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Thank you Davina I do as well :)

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Originally Posted by GretchenM

Going out in public is not necessary but it does add a completely new experience and can be affirming if you are among people who are accepting; it can definitely alleviate the uncertainty you may feel regarding yourself. Even one sincere "Mam" can put you way beyond Cloud 9 in affirmation of your identity in your sense of self.

But always keep in mind that we are each like a piece of Silly Putty - we are not fixed and can take many shapes and forms. But some things fit better at the time than others and that calls for experimentation to find the comfortable form for you. Turn that experimentation into a fun journey of exploring your deeper self. Keep a diary or journal and read what you wrote before often enough to refresh your memory about all the variations you have gone through. Think more in terms of the present rather than being goal oriented because life is lived in the here and now and not the dreams of what could be. Have fun; if it isn't fun don't do it.

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Gretchen,
thank you for you response.
In regards to affirmation, it does help. The friends in the above stories would refer to me as Jessica when I was dressed and that in itself felt great to be recognized like that. I don't get any of that in person any more but it does help hearing my name on this forum.
Your analogy makes sense and I think I need to come up with some things that are fun and new. I think starting a journal is a good Idea for the next time this comes around.

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Originally Posted by Suzie Petersen

I would highly recommend dipping your toes in the "going out" water by attending an event where the risk of issues is low and the chance of acceptance is high. I believe the Keystone Conference is coming up in a few weeks and I cant think of a better scenario for you to be out among people who are guaranteed to accept you.
Without having to worry about the acceptance part of the outing, you can focus on enjoying yourself, work on your presentation when out among other people and so on.

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Suzie, thank you for the suggestion, that may be a good way to start rather than throwing myself out on the town. I have always hated my worry thinking because it stops me from living my life how I want to. Doing something like that may be easier knowing there may be others that have the same fears as well but are at least taking the next step.

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Originally Posted by Cheryl T

By your photo I'm going to say you are a bit (being nice) younger than I. At my early stages of full dressing many years ago I was always gung ho. Any chance for any length of time and deluded myself that I was beautiful and sexy. Of course the mirror lies, we all know that. But that was good enough for me at that time. As I aged and dressed more for myself and less for whatever there were many times when I'd wonder why, how long will this last, will I always love being this way. Well, the answer is NO. I don't always love me this way, but I do Like me this way and I accept this is part of the whole

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Thanks for your Reply Cheryl, I will be 32 this April. I will agree that in the beginning I got into expressing Jessica fast. I was gung ho as well wanting to go out, and I was encourage by the no longer friends above that they would even join me if I did. But that never happened. I agree as well, I will tell myself the same thing at time that I look great, I feel great, my wife thinks I look great. But then there are times that make me feel like a joke. Most of this time if there is a big gathering of people and the women are dressed beautifully in dresses, hair done, makeup etc. I see them an look at myself low because I look nothing like that with all the male features. It comes and goes because there are times like you mentioned where I say its good enough for me as well. I do like me this way I just need to stop letting things over take me the way they do.

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Originally Posted by docrobbysherry

But, folks here reminded me: "You're not breaking any laws, doing anything wrong, or hurting anyone but yourself."

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Sherry, there is a lot of truth to this. I tell myself the same thing at times, that its nothing illegal's and its not hurting any one, so who cares! I just doesn't always come to mind in the low times. Something I will write down when I start a journal. I see your posts and hope to have a great time out like you do eventually.

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Originally Posted by rachelatshop

Hi Jessica, my first question to you would be, what does your wife say, have you talked to her about how you feel? When every I need support my first place to turn is my wife, her hugs and cuddles, can solve any bad feeling. Best of luck, I know you will find a good place. Great big Hugs Rach

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Hi Rachel, my wife supports me 100% but she too can see some of the struggles and she has helped me at times, but its still hard at times.

This story here ^^

Don't use your wife as a shield also don't allow her to BE a shield. Women aren't/shouldn't be shields for men .. I don't care if she supports it or not .. you are grown. Many times we go overboard trying to help because most of us xx's are wired to nurture our loved ones and we want to see them happy even if it is at our own expense .. and you wont know until Its too late ... she may not even know until one day she can stand no more .

This was one of the first cracks in the wall for me with my ex , he would use me to hide behind like you are speaking of instead of owning it or not doing it or staying in the house or whatever . I finally got sick of it . I don't want to babysit a grown man in women's clothes when its his idea to do this .. The final straw was when he was rushing to hide behind me so fast he knocked me down .. that was the beginning of the end and I had been 100% supportive .. TOO supportive for maybe 6 years by that time .

This could just be a thing you do when you feel like it .. not all have to make it a lifestyle .

You don't have to answer me at all just keep it in your pocket ..

You mentioned not to answer but I have to since you replied....

I am sorry you felt that way in your situation, but my wife is not like that and I don't hide behind my wife. We understand each others boundaries and in regards to my dressing and she has no care in the world and would let me know if she did.
What I meant is she sees my struggles with depression and how it affects the topic and helps the best she can, just how I see the struggles of her being type 1 Diabetic for 10 years and arthritis in her hands for 4 at 31 years old and the occasional depression that comes from it. I help her the best I can and she does as well because we love each other.

Some people can't take it and that's fine you go your separate ways. But to assume that someone's SO who you've never met might eventually get fed up with it is not cool.

This is not a hobby or fetish I dress every day I can, this is my life style and she understands that and is grateful that I have been honest from the beginning. When I told her I would understand if she didn't like it as she married a man, her response was she married me for who I am, my personality, not if I am a manly man and she sees me no different if I'm dressed or not. I've been with my wife for 14 years married for 3. To my surprise she stated that no one has the right to tell someone that they cannot dress or express themselves how they want.
For that I consider myself so lucky, that yes I DO have a wife that does back me 100% just as I would her.

What kind of SO would suggest getting married again allowing me to be who I want to be, or to actually talk about how we can make it work if we have children things I never expected to talk about let alone be her idea not mine. Sounds like a supporting wife to me.

Not trying sound mean, I just don't like it when its assumed everyone may be the same because it didn't work in their situation.

Jessica, I have CDed my entire life. While I accept that I will always CD, I question why and what it means. I believe it is a normal concern.

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Originally Posted by alwayshave

I believe it is a normal concern.

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From what I gathered here from everyone, is that it seems like it is normal to ask this. This in itself has really helped and opened my eyes a little to the fact that I am not alone. This is not just a me thing. I just tend to forget this when Depression likes to take over. For some reason It always likes to attack my dressing. But this post will be a reminder that I can overcome it just like many others have, and for that I fell much better. :)

A lot of what I see here involves the "Social complications" of going out in public. This is why I remain "in the closet" and have stayed there since day one. I anticipated the problems beforehand myself. I don't seem to have any "identity problems" but many of us have them , which can further complicate matters. Luckily, I am content staying home, "Relaxing" and "De- Stressing". I am simply an "Escapist" who CDs to take the occasional "Vacation away from myself" if for only a few hours. I also find it fun to experiment with photography and "disguises" --- Stuff I can do at home and is rarely seen save for the occasional Halloween part or Womanless beauty contest at church.
One thing we must realize is that there are DIFFERENT KINDS of CDs and CDing that is engaged in for different and more "deeper" psychological reasons. I am glad to see the posters mention that they have a therapist, which I too, seriously recommend, if one is "uncomfortable".
In MY case though, I am happy, and seem to have a handle on things. I KNOW WHY I do it and those reasons do not concern me. It's legal, fun and healthy, in MY PERSONAL situation anyway. I don't go out for two reasons. I do not NEED to, AND all too many of the "Muggles" outside, are too ignorant. I don't need the "hassle" or "abuse" that can happen out there unless one is very careful.

Hi Jessica, I'm glad to see you've had lots of supportive replies so far. I just wanted to add a couple of things...

First, you are definitely not alone in the way you are feeling. I often go through spells of doubt, or insecurity, or "wtf am I doing?" And very often those moments happen when I am standing in front of a mirror. It can be difficult to reconcile the difference between what I want to see and what I do see. Even GG's often find themselves confounded by that "ideal image," as we're bombarded by unrealistic images of women all the time. I certainly find that it can be difficult to to reconcile when my innately male features interfere with the picture I hope to see in the mirror. I have to remember that I'm always going to feel disappointment if I'm fixated on images of Margot Robbie, or Due Lipa, or Kylie Minogue, or any of the women whose appearances I would want to emulate.

Instead - at least when I'm having a moment of mindfulness - I try and focus on how presenting as femme makes me feel. When I do that, I feel whole, and I feel comfortable. I'm able to let my guard down and finally be the person that I'm drawn to be. And I don't worry so much about whether or not I look ridiculous or whatever. Because I feel at ease with who I am in that moment.

For me, that involved going out en femme. Of course, only you can decide if going out is what you need or want. But I know now that I had to express that part of myself out in the world. That's where I find those moments that I later refer back to when I need to know I'm doing the right thing. I think of the way I feel when I'm out to dinner and look down to see lipstick on the rim of my glass. Or the way I feel walking down the street in a skirt, feeling vulnerable and truly alive. When I revisit those feelings in times of doubt, I know that I'm being authentic, not some crazy old weirdo.

Self-acceptance is a lot of it for me. Probably one of the greatest sources of conflict within myself is the fact that I am so afraid to truly be out of the closet about this. There's the whole masculine male perception that people have about me. And then there's the fear that I have of stepping out of that expectation, and being the person that I would choose. It seems nearly impossible to reconcile at times, yet is impossible for me to stop. Somehow I know that the destination on my en femme journey involves more and more of it, not less. So I try and nudge myself in that direction little by little.

This hasn't been a linear progression for me, and I suspect it's not for most people. There's been lots of forward progress in my self-discovery, and lots of subsequent walking it back. If you plotted my journey on a graph it would look very much like the teeth of a saw. But the overall trajectory of the line has been up. And I plan to keep it moving that way. It's not easy, but it is rewarding.

Hopefully my rambling is at least a little helpful to you. And I hope you're able to keeping finding joy and beauty within yourself and your journey. It's a cliche, but it's also true - life is short, and too precious to be wasted not fully loving yourself.

Have a great day!

Hi Jessica :hugs:, Just take life one Day at a Time, >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

Jessica,
I'll guess most of us felt or feel this way, I know I have.
Once I was 35 or so I finally felt this is part of me and it's never going to go away. Once I excepted this is a part of me I feel good about it all. I may present as Kristy once a month or so that's good enough for me. Know one knows this side of me I'm also ok with that.