Trouble with my own acceptance at times...

[Jessica G.]

I have found in my relatively short time of active CDing that my interest in dressing up waxes and wanes. I too look in the mirror or at photos with disappointment at the maleness of some. However, I find that my interest in crossdressing is never far from my mind, and I try to use my lesser photos as a personal critique in order to improve my presentation.

I can relate to this as well. For a while I look forward to it and then there are times where I don't and one thing I always hate, is I always jump to thinking that this will come to an end and fade away. Its one of my fears because inside I know I love doing this, I know I love to dress and feel feminine. But its frustrating that I let the smallest things question the bigger picture. While I have not experienced going out yet, while I am eager, and I was determined at the start of the year to make it my goal, I let the possibility of a bad experience get me down before it even starts. A bad habit that I need to work on, but its easier said then done.
Yes I do also myself consider this group as part of the experience and it is sometimes nice to hear that you're not alone.

Maybe 100% self acceptance is not essential. Maybe one might instead learn to accept that your feelings about crossdressing may fluctuate now and then.

As for depression, it seems wise to address that as a separate issue. Its too easy for some people to convince themselves that they might be depressed because of crossdressing, or for the lack of opportunity to cross dress, or even that their depression is an response to repressed gender identity.

Kim, I can agree on multiple points. I seem to have a hard time accepting that these feelings may fluctuate and that it is ok, but for some reason when they do, like I mentioned above I jump to the possibility of this going away all together, which I don't think it ever will but for some reason I think that way.
In regards to depression, I have been told by my therapist and psychiatrist that I have moderate depression and anxiety and ADHD. The depression and anxiety is something that has been an ongoing issue for a couple years. What it stems from I am still trying to figure out.
I know a potential factor is due to the world we live in and how hard it would be to go out and express myself how I want to, without worrying what others think or say, another thing that is easier said than done. What makes that hard as during my entire childhood in school I was bullied until end of high school. Part of me just expects it even though something like that might not happen.

I have come to a point of 95% self acceptance with an increasing need to more publicly express my taste in spite of the fact that I know my taste will not fit into my current world. It's all experimental for me as I'm finding which things feel right. I've embarrassed myself once by pushing too hard into a feminine male public presentation. The number of people who saw me was small, but I still cringe when I picture the look on the face of one particular young woman.

Bea,this is something I too fear. The possibility that the first time may be bad and therefore bring me to the point where I would never go out again if I eventually do. For me on some days I do feel like I accept myself 90% but then there are others where the 10% takes over and I dwell on that which does no good. I feel part of what brings that on is when you are reminded in the news or media about what the majority people feel about people like us. Some times I feel like its a punishment as I was not always a saint myself when it came to this topic/situation. But it does affect me now when I hear some people or some of my extended family easily throw out what they feel on this topic.