Why Im I Like This?????????????

In the past month this site has soooo opened my eyes and I thank EVERYBODY for that.
I know im not sick i know this is who we are and we are born this way and nothing can chage that and it scares me it does it explains alot it does but it stil doesnt explain me and why im crying my eyes out right now and why i cant stop why i see a movie n like it n the next time i cry when i hear the line "Thats no astronaunt that yours your father" n why im i cant stop crying now now n wish i was always the heman but cant be n whjy it took me 6 months to cryt when my grandfather died n why i still did the same when my grandmother died like i cant show emonit when im a guy even if i want to i cant because its to hard.

im going to loo for a shrink i am i dont want these feelings to go away i just need a reason why they are there.

Samantha,
You are what you are, a MTF crossdresser, same as me, same as most girls here. I think you should stop putting yourself down and start enjoying being what you are. I really beleive it's unwise to go against your nature.

Love

Avril

You need to accept yourself for who you are Samantha, once you do life gets far better :)
Nobodies really sure why we are like we are, but the simple fact is once you accept it and enjoy it, it gives us a much better outlook on life.
I had a hard job accepting this myself ,as in guy mode i tend to be a "he man" anyway, so i went to a therapist to get help. My therapist helped me a lot to become myself and now i really enjoy being me :)

Samantha,i was like you i found it so confusing,i used to wonder what was wrong with me,allways living a secret life,but as i have got older i have learnt to stop beating myself up about it and just to enjoy who i am.The last few months since been a member here,i've found it inspiring to know there are a lot like me and now i don't have any doubts about who i am.I am just so happy now.

Nikki

Hunny I'm sorry you are confused and crying.

But part of the joys of being a woman is a good cry now and then during a movie or a touching moment.

When you are in guy mode you have been conditioned to act stoic like a man "should" act.

But one reason men crossdress (talking about CD's, not TS here) is to relax a little from social pressures.

When you get en femme mode you relax and feel you can do the things acceptable that a woman does.It's that simple.

That is the answer someone who knows what they're talking about would give for this, but I agree with you, still look for a psychiatrist or therapist. And before you make your appointment if it's a psychatrist, make sure you're going to the kind that does psychotherapy, not just psychopharmacology (sees you for 5 minutes, writes a script and ushers you out the office)

A gender therapist who works with TG ppl would be ideal. They would be able to hold a mirror up to you and you could see the person you are and understand why.

Well being sensative and crying are natural responses... Some people are more sensative than others.. I will tear up uncontrollably watching the Extreme Home Makeover!! Just the way I am and I really don't need to pay someone to tell me why I'm like this... Or why I like to wear womens clothing or am more fem the the average guy.. Its just me. And I accept me at face value... . And knowing why wouldn't change a thing for me... I'd still be me and love doing what I love doing....

Ok one thing would change... I'd just have less money!! And the shrink would have a new boat!! Hahahaha

...there has to be at least a million reasons why you are like that! Maybe billions? Our bodies themselves are extremely complex... and rely on such things as hormones, for example, to make us "who we are". And each and every experience we have throughout our lives contributes to make us "who we are".

I agree with much us what has already been said... don't just look for a prescription to "even out" your emotions... there are enough valium zombies in the world already. Embrace what makes you "who you are" and learn to use those features to your advantage!

You know that we are all here for you!

:hugs:

Emotions! I can relate, and used to have overwhelming desire to cry, grieve, for many reasons. Near suicide a number of times no girlfriend, father who rejected me, older brothers who rejected me, and I fimally went to community clinic, after co-workers urged me. I am on lithium, and a few other meds. Also, have learned about vitamins, and minerals that help us feel better, do better. Exercise is so important, also. I also went to support groups, like codependents anonymous, and adult children anonynous, for ten yrs. Some of us, have been abused by parents, and siblings, severely. So, like me, and others, we live lives of reparenting ourselves, recovery, healing, one day, or one minute, at a time, forgiving ourselves, and others, but not setting ourselves up, for more abuse, which sometimes we do, by habit. I cry sometimes, when i see a girl figure skating beautifully! When my first girfriend killed herself, i cried for two days. And, when a father figure friend died on the basketball court, at his funeral memorial, i cried a lot. He was like a father to me. I apologize for the length of this. For the last 45 yrs, or so, masculinty has been devalued, and under constant attack. Non CDers, and CDers, are having lots of issues, confusion, perplexity. You are not alone! I was told to stop being so utterly critical of myself, too, and get to acceptance, that this is something I have to deal with, accept, and live with, and stop beating myself up over. You will do better, with time, and acceptance, maybe meds, exercise, vitamins, minerals, communicating on here, support groups. Sorry if i seemed preachy, just sharing. Make this a good day.

I know how you feel, I was there once and it isnt any fun. But little by little you start to accept your self and then it gets better.
Hang in there girlfriend.
Laura

I used to look for a reason but eventually I learned there was none. This is just the way I am. I don't blame anyone in my family or any other outside influence. Coming to accept that was a big step. I have tried for so long to explain myself, once I realized there was no explaination I could move on to acceptance.

Stacey :)

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Originally Posted by SamanthaM

I know im not sick i know this is who we are and we are born this way and nothing can chage that and it scares me it does it explains alot it does but it stil doesnt explain me and why im crying my eyes out right now and why i cant stop why i see a movie n like it n the next time i cry when i hear the line "Thats no astronaunt that yours your father" n why im i cant stop crying now now n wish i was always the heman but cant be n whjy it took me 6 months to cryt when my grandfather died n why i still did the same when my grandmother died like i cant show emonit when im a guy even if i want to i cant because its to hard.

im going to loo for a shrink i am i dont want these feelings to go away i just need a reason why they are there.

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You've been fiercely keeping a tight lid on all your feelings for a long time, haven't you? :sad:

Give yourself permission to let go, cry, scream, let those feelings out... You'll bounce around for a little while, but you'll be so much better for letting go of all the baggage? :hugs:

I want to thank Tessa & Karren the most.
Thank you everybody for responding.

Tessa because you said the one word that describes me "Stoic"

Something I have always been regardless of him or her.
Either I'm without feeling or I just can't process them or bring them to the surface for a long time.

I wasn't lying, it took me 6 months or so to finally break down in tears over my grandfathers death, and he was like a father to me. And it happen out of no where I just got in my head "your grandfathers dead" and it finally hit me. 6 months later it hit me.
He was like my father, why the hell did it take 6 months to cry??

It was the same for my grandmother.
Why am I always the rock the one others come to, to cry to and release, why am I the one everybody looks to, to take care of business?

Why? because Im the one not crying Im not the one that needs a shoulder.
Am I just being strong for those around me, or am I just f*cked up & it takes me days/weeks/months to feel what everybody around is feeling that day?

And why is it now that everybody is past, their passing that I tear up every time I think or talk about either of them?

PS: Karren, your my hero. lol

Hi Samantha,

It used to be so hard for me to express emotions. It wasn't until I went to individual and group therapy in my thirties that enough of the frozen inside was allowed to express itsself. When I was in group, I began to cry so hard, it started scaring the other group members, but oh was it ever so good to finally let all that stuff out. Since then, it doesn't take much for a movie or incident that I can relate to, to start to cause me to ball my eyes out. So much of it comes from childhood repression. I never want to lose the ability to express myself emotionaly again.

Just learn to be OK with yourself, whether you feel like cyring or not. It will come in time. The irony is that the more you are OK with yourself as is, even with not being able to express your emotions as you would like, the easier and sooner they will come.

My wife and I have often talked about how we both have to play the "strong one" to others in our lives. And where do the strong go when they need to turn to someone? - to each other!

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Originally Posted by Jonianne

And where do the strong go when they need to turn to someone? - to each other!

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But what if there is no "other", then what do you do??
What if the only other is someone doing the same thing you are doing [be a shoulder] to those that need it?
What happens when suddenly before you know it, people except you to be "that" person? Then who do you turn to?

I am not that old and already I have been to more funerals then I care to remember.
The worse was my best friends brothers.
I was the ONLY person he could go to express his feelings to.
This was one of the only times I ever saw him cry.
What could I do? The only thing I knew I needed to do, let him do it & not be someone who did it too. You Know.

What do you do when the only other rock in the room comes to you to cry???

Samantha,

You are not alone in your feelings, I know I have gone through those very same feelings and it does tear you apart when one side of you tries to express something the other side was not programed to do. Yes, I used the word PROGRAMED. I feel this is what happens when we grow up, we are programed to be Male or Female and we are not supposed to cross those forbidden boundries. This is also why many of us have a hard time accepting our true selves is because of the way we were programed as a child. Many of you will have the same feelings as Samantha, because of our programing, if we cannot handle it we need to get the help, others of us can and will go on and change our programing to be the other sex either partially or totally.

May GOD BLESS us on our own journeries we are taking to be happy within ourselves. We have to realize that we have to live with ourselves BEFORE we can live with others and have a happy life.

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Originally Posted by SamanthaM

Am I just being strong for those around me, or am I just f*cked up & it takes me days/weeks/months to feel what everybody around is feeling that day?

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Surely the first one leads inexorably to the second... :sad:

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What happens when suddenly before you know it, people except you to be "that" person? Then who do you turn to?

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Well, if you can't let those emotions free on your own, start by doing it with us? Just write how you feel, it doesn't matter if it makes no sense? :)

All that pain you've taken from others shoulders, you have to be able to let it out in turn somehow, it's tearing you up inside, now? :hugs:

If you must have someone physical to talk to, you could speak to your GP or seek a counsellor/therapist - but you could also talk to one of those friends you've been strong for, in the past?

You might find that they come to respect you more, for showing your own feelings, at last - plus they may feel they owe you something? :)

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Originally Posted by Nicki B

you could speak to your GP

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I'm lost......... my GP??

On everything else, Thank you Nicki

Me being the strong one is a burden sometimes, but also something I am good at [& sorry Amy, but, it wasn't something that was programmed in] I chose to take that role.
Maybe not showing my feelings led me to it, maybe I chose it because no one else wanted the job, idk? I really don't know which came first, but that is besides the point now.
It hurts sometimes but I'm getting better at dealing with it.

Sometimes I just can't control my feelings, like it goes from zero to open flood gates. I need to work on the in between.

It would be nice to be on the other side of that fence for once.
Like it or not, I will be soon enough because Im hoping on, betting on the amount of respect my family/friends have for me when I tell them about this side of me & that at least some or one of them will just let me do what I have been doing for them for so long.

I have been thinking about that & me a lot this past month.
I want it out, at least to my close family.

Hi Samantha,

Like Nicki said, we are here to listen. I believe she also meant to talk to your Doctor (General Practitioner) or therapist if you need face to face help. As I mentioned in my post I went to individual and group therapy for nearly 8 years and that changed my life.

You certainly are going through a lot - I can hear it in your posts. You can find someone that can be strong for you when you need to be "weak". Like Amy said "You are not alone".

"In all our searching, the only thing that makes the emptiness bearable, is each other."

Let us hear from you often Samantha.

Hugs, Hugs, Hugs

Joni

GP = General Practitioner = Local Doctor

Perhaps relating my experience might help:

When I was in Jr and Sr High school my emotions were quite bottled up. By the time I was a senior I came across as so self satisfied that many people would do things to try to get my goat. (Once someone "borrowed" my trombone and later it was found in the band director's office with the slide having been bent over someones leg (or whatever)) I didn't noticed at the time that people were doing this, it was just a part of life.

When I was first engaged, I was surprised at the emotions that it let loose. I suppose in retrospect that I attributed some "normal" emotions to being in love.

As time went on I'd find myself tearing up at movies when other's didn't seem to be moved, etc. I went to a couple of different counselors/psychiatrists only to discover that I was just becoming more normal :) (Not their words.)

I've come to believe that I've always been more empathetic than most guys and that with all of the emotions that come with puberty I just couldn't take it. It took a while to see this because often when I'd properly guess people's problems they'd deny it and I'd take their denials at face value discounting my ability to understand people. I slowly realized that there are a lot of reasons people might not want to talk about their problems and that I needed to be more careful and pay better attention to if, when and how I should try to help. Also I've slowly learned that guys usually try to fix problems and that's not always what gals want when they talk :)

I'm rambling so I'll quit with this:

Good luck recognizing and integrating all of your own gifts into a whole person. I hope it takes you less time than it did for me :)

I guess if I had a regular GP/Doctor I would have figured out what that meant.

I'm from the camp of: If I don't need stitches I don't need a doctor.
I have better diagnostic skills anyway, lol.

Thank you Joni & Sam & again to everybody else.

I want to tell my close family about this part of me.
I'm wondering which part will be more of a surprise to them?
This or finding out I actually do have feelings & emotions.

Being very stoic has always been a part of who I am.
That is mostly the only part of me they have really seen.

Breaking things off with my recent girlfriend this month hasn't helped any either.
I really can't deal with "fixers".
Like me for me, don't like most of me & think you can fix the stuff you don't like.
It doesn't work that way.

If a girl wants to try & clean up her bf fine, good for you.
A lot of guys can use it, but I don't need cleaning up.
Maybe some make-up tips, lol, but fashion tips no,
I have that covered for the both of us, it she only knew.

But don't try & change me/us/them into something we're not.

Now I'm rambling, again.

We have a great gift in as we have so much of a softer side just love and enjoy it hun.
It's a sweet gift saver it Samantha.:hugs:
Angie

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Originally Posted by SamanthaM

... whjy it took me 6 months to cryt when my grandfather died n why i still did the same when my grandmother died like i cant show emonit when im a guy even if i want to i cant because its to hard...

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Don't worry about it. I once wondered why I didn't really cry about my parents dying, but was upset for weeks (months) about losing my dog.

I think it's natural to feel this way. We expect parents/grand-parents to die before us, so are conditioned to it. Only if it's unexpected or particularly traumatic in some way are we likely to be more upset. Of course, everyone's different in their emotional states, and in their closeness to others, so that's only a generalization. If you feel more emotional fine, but as I said you're probably already conditioned to accept it to some degree.

Samantha - I get the impression you like being a stoic... But no one can take on everybody else's troubles? You can't keep on doing it without damaging yourself - which, I think, may be what you're starting to realise?

That doesn't mean you have to run around flapping at everything, but just remember 'no man (or woman) is an island'?

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Originally Posted by Nicki B

Samantha - I get the impression you like being a stoic...

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Not really, no.
But it is handy when the sh*t hits the fan.
Think foghorn leghorn leaning against the tree filing his nails while the little chicken is running around shouting the sky is falling.

I just need to dial in down a bit more in everyday life.

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Originally Posted by SamanthaM

Not really, no.
But it is handy when the sh*t hits the fan.

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Perhaps 'proud of' would be better than 'like'? ;)

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Originally Posted by Nicki B

Well, if you can't let those emotions free on your own, start by doing it with us? Just write how you feel, it doesn't matter if it makes no sense? :)

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So, come on, let some of those pent up feelings out - maybe not by writing them here, if that's not comfortable, but as a document of some kind? Go through the process of putting it into words and see if that can help..

Samantha, I have to agree with some others, try to find a gender specialist therapist to see. My mistake was just going to see who they sent me to. After my divorce, I tended to cry a lot. It didn't even have to be anything terrible, just something emotional would set me off. I was suppressing depression, and the crying was the only time my true feelings about my life could really come out. I can't suggest that you may be having the same problem, but maybe you are. Find someone to talk to. Don't wait, it seldom gets better on it's own.

Thanks sometimes_miss for the kind word.
The one thing I do know out of all of this is that I'm not depressed.

And Nicki your right......

The reasons behind all this are not only am I searching for answers for myself buy for the flurry of questions I know I will have to answer to my family & friends.

The last thing I want to do is leave them with more questions then they are starting with. I know this will happen anyway, but I at least what to try to make this happen as smoothly as humanly possible for them & hopefully myself in the process.

Hiding this part of me has been for lack of a better word grinding on me more so then usual.

Obviously I still need some work on my emotional side to get it to a more balanced place compared to the full on full off way I have been feeling lately since I really started thinking about all this & the details of finally bringing this to light & everything that it's going to mean to me & my family/friends.

The good sides are that I don't have kids & I am once again single.
Not really good things, but they do make it less complicated for now.

It has really made me think about how I truly value the friendships I have & which of them I will be telling about this.

Being here has helped me out a lot to become more comfortable with all this & myself. I never would have even though about being dressed in front of someone, let alone to go out in public [even if it was Halloween] if it wasn't for everybody here.

Even when I'm alone I feel that I'm never really alone & always subject to the so called "Knock & Walk".
My house is like a 7-11, open 24hrs.
It's not just my house, my family has always had a sorta open door policy.

What I would like to be able to do is more openly explore this without the constant fears of being found out.
I'm comfortable with the fact that I'm a CD.
What I still need to work out is how far I want or need to go with this & everything that goes along with it.

Samantha, think long and hard about coming out to everyone. None of it worked out well for me. I was fooled; I had been talking to gender friendly therapists, went to gender friendly meetings, to the point that I really believed that it wasn't a big deal. Well, to most of society, it is. To most of society, we're freaks, gay, perverts. To those who are religious, we are doomed to go to hell, every single one of us, and they will endlessly try to get us to repent our evil ways, every....single....time they see us. If your relationships are intact, remember: When you share a secret, you are placing the burden of that secret on another person to keep, and if they aren't comfortable with that secret, it's as much as placing a curse on them. Don't do it. As much as you want people to accept you, for the most part, it doesn't work out as you want it too. Sure, it's possible. But it's not likely. Choose who you tell very, very carefully.

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Originally Posted by sometimes_miss

Samantha, think long and hard about coming out to everyone. I really believed that it wasn't a big deal.

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I have no disillusions about this being "no big deal".

I hate to sound self centered or arrogant when I say this.
Right now my immediate family depends a lot more on me then I do of them. I have also spend many years putting the needs of the many [my family] in front of the needs of the few [me].

I basically put my entire life on hold for a few years to help my family. I do not regret doing this & would do it again & I have never asked for anything in return for doing it. So when is enough, enough?

Obviously I would hate to become estranged from them, but I need to put myself first for a while & if being without them because of this is something they choose, it is also something I can I live with.

As far as my extended family goes I don't plan on telling them [none live local anyway] but if they find out & disapprove, to :censor: bad for them too.

I don't plan on telling all of my friends.
I think the two I plan on telling are open minded enough to accept this.
To say that both of them have seen it all is an understatement.

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Originally Posted by sometimes_miss

If your relationships are intact, remember: When you share a secret, you are placing the burden of that secret on another person to keep, and if they aren't comfortable with that secret, it's as much as placing a curse on them.

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I would say that "curse" is a bit much. However I am fully aware that doing this will have an impact on them whether or not they accept this part of me.

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Originally Posted by sometimes_miss

To those who are religious, we are doomed to go to hell, and they will endlessly try to get us to repent our evil ways.
To most of society, we're freaks, gay, perverts.

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I'm not big on organized religion. Catholic school sorta ruined it for me, lol. That being said, If there is a hell & I wind up there, believe me it's not going to be for wearing a dress.

And finally, most of society is filled with uptight, close minded *ssh*les.
Why should I care what that type of person thinks about this? I really don't care what they think about me every other day.

I went through a period where I didn't want to dress becasue I didn't understand why I had these feelings. I still don't understand why but I do love to dress up!!

I know the stoic role well, hun! That's what's-his-name's role every day. The practical one...the sensible one...the one with the answers when others are freaked out or panicing...the one who could give direction to those who had lost theirs. And like NickyB says, I actually am proud of that role.

But yes, I sometimes need someone else to lean on occasionally, too. And guess what, someone like that, from among all those that have leaned on me, usually steps forward to be a rock for me. They do it out of love, out of gratitude, out of respect for the person that I was for them. We all have this capability. It's just that most ppl will avoid being that rock for someone else if they possibly can.

You know your friends and family. Choose the one you know the best, the one that is most like you... Strong souls are recognizable to each other. Good hearts shine out in an obvious way. You can't miss' em.

And, on your own behalf, stay strong. "There is no crying in baseball", but there's plenty of crying in real life...and it's okay to let it show now and again...the tears of a strong person are influential and strength giving to others.

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Originally Posted by Karren Hutton

Well being sensative and crying are natural responses... Some people are more sensative than others.. I will tear up uncontrollably watching the Extreme Home Makeover!! Just the way I am and I really don't need to pay someone to tell me why I'm like this... Or why I like to wear womens clothing or am more fem the the average guy.. Its just me. And I accept me at face value... . And knowing why wouldn't change a thing for me... I'd still be me and love doing what I love doing....

Ok one thing would change... I'd just have less money!! And the shrink would have a new boat!! Hahahaha

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Hi Karren, it does one good to accept oneself at face value but you must remenber "accept nothing at FACE-OFF":D

:hugs:

Penny

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Originally Posted by deja true

I know the stoic role well, hun! That's what's-his-name's role every day. The practical one...the sensible one...the one with the answers when others are freaked out or panicing...the one who could give direction to those who had lost theirs. And like NickyB says, I actually am proud of that role.

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Fun job isn't it? Like I said, it does come in handy.

But have you ever asked yourself:
Why oh why didn't I take the Blue pill? lol.

Well I took a little vacation from the grind last night / this morning.
Make-up, wardrobe changes, lighting, camera, ect.
It was almost like work, lol,
But is was the best 8 hrs Samantha has had in a very long time.
I really had a lot of fun doing it & now I have a nice new avatar.

OH, YA
Back to the subject, lol.
The two people that are willing & capable to really do for me what I have done for them are my brother & my best friend.
Unfortunately, my brother is a world away so that only leaves my friend. We'll see how it goes.

To prepare for peace is to prepare for war.