Originally Posted by
JessM.
Nope, you misunderstand me -- I don't compete with "her" just as I don't compete with my husband's work, or any other way he chooses to spend his time.
You are the one who proposed that neuro-transmitters in a cross-dresser's brain let the CDer "bond" with his female alter-ego. I found that disturbing as an idea -- did I misunderstand you?
He's not in love with "her"; he enjoys being "her," the same way he might enjoy dressing up as a Klingon, learning to speak Klingon, and spending money traveling to Klingon conferences. Or dressing up as a Renaissance knight and going to Ren Fairs, or dressing up as a Civil War soldier and going to re-enactments. It makes him happy, and it doesn't hurt anyone. But it doesn't interest me, and so it means we share fewer interests than we used to, when he didn't have this interest.
Obeying your wife's boundaries may work for you. In my marriage, it wouldn't work for me to set boundaries for him. (We have a kinky BDSM relationship, where he is my dominant and I am the submissive.) I'm not interested in setting boundaries; I want him to do what he wants. But I let him know how I feel, so he can take that into consideration. As I said, he doesn't wear the wig around me much, because he knows it makes me uncomfortable. But if we go out together when he's dressed, he has to wear the wig to feel comfortable, so then I just suck it up and deal with going out with "her."
I'm sorry my situation disturbs you, but I'm not personally disturbed by our arrangements and I don't feel "insecure." Our lines of communication are open and fully functioning. I agree that life is an adventure -- but adventures aren't always delightful picnics. Sometimes they involve danger, and sometimes they involve loss.
Thanks for your good wishes.