How do you deal with the severe depression/crash afterwards

[Pat]

I have never felt transitioning was right for me, because quite frankly I love to go outside and turn a wrench, or rebuild a boat, or go fishing, not to mention the absolute wake of destruction in my path as well.

Just wondering why Nickie can't do those things?

You express your situation as two different people. One strategy for finding some peace is to unite the two sides into one person. That means you need to give yourself permission to do all the behaviors you enjoy as the one person (and as a bonus, you get to stop doing the things you don't enjoy which you may have been doing to convince others the personality you're presenting is real.) You can do that without transitioning. When I did that, I found a place where I could always see *myself*, however faintly, in the mirror. I wasn't happy to stop there, but you might be.

But your question was how did I handle the depression when I was living the two-person model of life and had to switch away from the one I liked to the one I didn't? Same way you seem to be doing -- I handled it by being unhappy. I changed it up, going from mildly dissatisfied to full-on self-pitying funk -- it's the classic way.

[Tracii G]

Pat is so right Nikki.
Blend the two personalities together over time. Nikki can do anything Nick can do.you are not two people just one.
You don't have to go all out one way or the other I hope you know that. Mixing the two sides into to one is what I did and I am quite happy now.
You may have that kind of personality that is gung ho or all out no matter if its fishing or whatever the hobby or activity.
Foe example I had a friend that loved fishing so he bought a boat. Then after that he bought probably 30 fishing poles all kids of tackle.
Coolers a new truck to pull the boat a bunch of clothes to fish in several depth finder thingies.
He is the type that goes all out,
He does that with every hobby and its really annoying to everyone around him.
I decided to mix my male and female sides together because that way I could regain my sanity.

[girlyman1977]

It's a tough situation and I fully sympathize as another cross dresser who honestly has bought more women clothes in the last year then men's. As for a potential hormonal imbalance at first the shots of test will feel really awesome and bring life into you. However I am not sure if you will like the side effects. Some are positive some are a negative for any GG.

Faster hair regrowth (shaving is a pain let's face it)
You can get more irritable (roid rage if you will) even though test and steroids are not the same thing.
Acne

your metabolism goes up so it will be easier to lose weight and keep it off at the cost of feeling hot all the time.
You will have more energy.

Also I found out that since going on test last year I just dress more. I do love my body oddly since I started dressing again even though I just turned 40. However I get occasional bouts with dysphoria.

I am debating if I am going to either take a break or significantly cut back on the dosage. It's a double edged sword. At 6-4 and 215ish pounds low testosterone aint exactly fun either.

[GracieRose]

I generally have a hard time coming down from the high of dressing. Just don't want to go back to drab. Since it is usually only for hours at a time, rather than days, I suspect that it is even harder after a couple of days. When not dressing I maintain some aspects such as shaved legs, longer fingernails, underdressing or painted toenails. When going about my general life, I'll forget these things, but when I notice it brings a smile to my face. Alleviates the drab feeling somewhat.

[nikkim83]

I already stay painted toes all the time ( I havent removed for more than a color change in two years) . I stay shaved all the time, and I have for a long long time. I sleep how I want and quite frankly some days i go full dress for work. ( I am 100% work from home so it is really nbd). But i really went the full 9 yards this weekend.

[Janet161]

Nikki, I feel your pain. I truly mean that. I am so sorry about the frustration that you are feeling. Alot of good advice in here. But here is an idea that I found to be a great help in dealing with this. It involves risk and I know this is not right for everyone, but, if you have a friend who you can trust and who could be an ally, consider opening up to that friend and introducing Nikki to that friend. If you can do that, it is hard to describe how wonderful that can be. Again, I know everyone's situation is different and I do not want you to put yourself in a difficult situation, but sometimes, if you open yourself to someone and you get love in return, it can make all the difference.

[suzy1]

if you have a friend who you can trust and who could be an ally, consider opening up to that friend and introducing Nikki to that friend. If you can do that, it is hard to describe how wonderful that can be..

I thought that was good advice Janet.

[Jenny22]

There may be ways your supportive wife may help you. Have you asked her for any ideas?
Is your home and work life such that you could underdress to some degree or fully?
Could you have your toenails polished all of the time?
Just thinking out loud of ways that Nikki could be with you all or most of the time. Good luck!

[nikkim83]

There may be ways your supportive wife may help you. Have you asked her for any ideas?
Is your home and work life such that you could underdress to some degree or fully?
Could you have your toenails polished all of the time?
Just thinking out loud of ways that Nikki could be with you all or most of the time. Good luck!

See post 30

I literally have one friend and he lost hos 14 year old son in July. I couldnt even if I wanted too. Really I am leaning on my wife more than I should right now she has been my savinf grace.

[Tracii G]

I hope you are not one of those that shoots downs every suggestion by members here.
1. You can't do what Jenny suggested obviously.
Will number 2,3,4,5 and 6 get the same treatment? Oh I can't do that because yadda yadda.
I hope you see where I'm going with this.
If you want change its up to you to make change happen.

[nikkim83]

I hope you are not one of those that shoots downs every suggestion by members here.
1. You can't do what Jenny suggested obviously.
Will number 2,3,4,5 and 6 get the same treatment? Oh I can't do that because yadda yadda.
I hope you see where I'm going with this.
If you want change its up to you to make change happen.

Tracii I xan say I have learned from this thread. I am trying to be two different people. Its not healthy anything nick can do nickie can do as well. I have reached out to my wofe anf I am being brutally honest. As far as keeping my fem side with me at all times I do that currently as stated, i stay shaved and polished all the time.
I have decided to see a counselor. And i spent some time online last night doing some window shopping. I am going back to atlanta in 2 months and I am looking for the perfect blue and black dress.
As far as supplements and pills go that is not me. If I have to medicate to get back up its going to be under a Dr supervision. Be it an anti depressent or another route.

What I am seeing is I need a way to make nick and nickie be one.

Today I forced myself to get up and get moving. I made myself stay away from tge mirror and I am refusing to look at my hands. Its a little step but a step none the less

Yes I sound whiney yes i feel whiney right now. Rest assured the advice is being listened too

[Tracii G]

I had a hard time understanding it all at first and in time I realized I was not two separate entities but one with both male and female attributes.
Its not if you shave or wear panties or how many times you dress or how you dress or where you go dressed or if you pass 100% its all about you as a person.
Its letting the female side of you exist along with the male side. You don't have to be all male or all female to enjoy the facets of both.
You need to learn to let go and just be who you are.
Your wife may be understanding to a point but she has her limits and you need to understand moving too fast towards femininity creates a huge problem for her.
Going too fast towards an end is very stressful for the spouse.
How would you feel if things were reversed and your wife wanted to be your best guy friend and started dressing and acting like a guy?
Just think about that perspective for a while.

[Scarlett1975]

I clearly don't have the same situation as its just not practical for me to be dressed for more than a few hours at a time. What i do though is try to walk talk and act in a more feminine way, i often wear stockings and panties under my work clothes (building industry).this helps a lot I can feel it but others can't see it. I also dress every night and watch my TV shows before bed. I also brush my wife's hair, do her nails and massage her daily. These things seem to help and I also suffer I'm told from clinical depression but am so much better using these methods although everyone is different

[Christie ann]

I already stay painted toes all the time ( I havent removed for more than a color change in two years) . I stay shaved all the time, and I have for a long long time. I sleep how I want and quite frankly some days i go full dress for work. ( I am 100% work from home so it is really nbd). But i really went the full 9 yards this weekend.

OK, you have so much more latitude than many of us do. I would agree with those that said you should see someone that can help.

[docrobbysherry]

Fortunately, I am a CD. As such, I don't desire or fantasize about living as a woman. (Granted, there was a time when I thot I did. But, in time I discovered who I was as a dresser).

When I feel the need to dress, I do. End of problem. No depression, recriminations, what if's, ands, or buts! If only all of us could be so lucky!

[sarah_hillcrest]

I recently painted one big toenail in a sparkly teal Julip nail polish. It's like something I always have with me to give me a tiny little shot of fem I guess. I was wearing sandals a lot this weekend like when I went over to my Parents house to change the oil in my van because he has a big floor jack. I guess that's a manly thing, but I don't know why a woman couldn't change their oil. The toe nail was noticed but I just explained it was a joke for my wife, which isn't really a lie because she was did find it pretty funny.

Anway, I know what you mean, this Sunday only a couple hours before I changed my oil I thought I might cry a bit when I had to take my dress, hair and makeup off, but it didn't take me long to get over it. Luckily I've always been a very accepting person I guess, just play the cards that life deals me.

[sometimes_miss]

The cure for most situational depression is almost always the same. Learn to appreciate the good things in you life. Stop focusing on how much better life could be if this or that were different. I'm a homely, overweight old crossdresser, with no anticipation of ever finding an accepting female mate. Yet, I don't suffer from being paralyzed into inaction from constant depression. Why. Well, I'm alive. I have a place to live, two pets, a working vehicle. I am physically able to work if I want to. I'm in reasonable good health, though some chronic conditions are beginning to restrict some of my life, but it's not things that I really want to do anyway (arthritis, can't do the athletic things anymore). I have health insurance. My friends still like me (even though, they probably wouldn't so much if they knew I was a crossdresser, but hey, like I said, I look on the bright side). My friend rode out hurricane Irma in Florida and he and his mom are fine.

Lots of good things to focus on. I think I'll go out for a white castle cheeseburger, and they're open 24 hours, another thing to be happy about. See how easy?

There was once a 'Confucius say' thing, went something along the line of, 'Instead of being sad and focusing on all the things you want but don't have, remember all the things that you DON'T want that you DON'T have'.
Then, look on the list of things that you DON'T have that you DON'T want!
No one's shooting at you. You don't have a nearby murderous militant group taking over your current city of residence, that will either slaughter you and rape your women, or just kill you all for fun. You get to take a shower whenever you need to. You don't have cholera infested drinking water. No bombs are going off in your neighborhood all the time. There is no plague of insects taking over your living quarters. You didn't die in the hurricanes. I could go on, but I think you get the point.

As they say while being nailed up on the cross, always look on the bright side of life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlBiLNN1NhQ

[Tracii G]

Sometimes miss what a great post and yes I agree.

If I wake up in the morning its going to be a great day no matter what happens.
Why worry about the things you can't change or have no power over?
To do so is a fruitless venture. Just work on the things you do have control over.
Work on the smallest first get that one out of the way and start to work on the next and eventually you will have it all done and nothing to worry about.

[AlexisRaeMoon]

I feel like there's so much that's already been said on this thread, I probably don't have much new to add, but I'll offer this: therapy is a wonderful thing.

To backup, I came on the forum tonight because I felt the need to write something. I'm on a work trip, and I brought some things so I could dress up while I'm back in my room at night. I love dressing so much, but my struggle now is I get all dressed up and feeling like I'm looking pretty good, and don't know what to do with myself. I don't dare go out, so I stand here, way overdressed, looking in the mirror and feeling happy and frustrated all at the same time.

But I thought I'd respond here because the guilt is something I've struggled with ever since I first ventured into mom's closet when I was thirteen. Afterwards, I was mortified by the fact that for as long as I lived, I knew that I had tried on women's clothes. It seemed like an unforgivable sin, and it colored everything in my life. As an adult, I started dressing up on Halloween, and one year, I went all out. It was my second time dressing for the holiday, and I wanted to do everything I didn't do the first time - shaving, really high heels, full make-up, the whole nine yards. I worked on it for weeks and had an absolute blast at the party, and received many compliments on how amazing the costume was. The next day, I completely crashed. My wife doesn't know (though how she can't possibly suspect is beyond me...), and I became overwhelmed with terror that I had "gone too far." It was the closest I've ever came to a full-on panic attack. But as per usual, within two weeks, I was back at it.

Over the past several years, I started buying more of my own clothes, and bringing things with me on trips, etc. but there would still be spells of depression and anxiety. Like you, I wanted to look like a woman, maybe not all the time, but certainly more often, and without the pressure and guilt of hiding it. The cycle of ups and downs was killing me, so about a year ago, I asked my doctor for a referral for therapy. It was the best decision I ever made in my life (I started another thread about it somewhere...check my profile). What I learned was that my anxiety was permeating all aspects of my life, and that crossdressing was just a further complication, but not the sole reason. Therapy has helped me feel less stressed about work, relate to my wife better, enjoy making music more, and just feel more confident in general. Having someone to talk openly with about crossdressing is immensely helpful as well. I don't know that you necessarily need a therapist that specializes in gender; mine doesn't. However, any therapist that takes the attitude that there's something wrong with you, or tries to convince you that you shouldn't be doing something that for you is obviously so right, run away!

Seriously, it will take the pressure off your wife being the only one who's able to listen to you. Before therapy, I was convinced I needed drugs to regulate my emotions. I've since learned that it's mostly about the way I've learned to interact with world (parental issues, no need to go into that detail here), and that even my difficulty in being able to tell my wife is rooted in much deeper issues that have little do with crossdressing itself. We're working through that I'm confident that with time, I'll be able to have the kind of openness with her we both deserve. You are so lucky to have an understanding wife, that puts you leagues ahead of so many of us here, but do a favor for you both and find someone to talk to. Trust me, you won't regret it, and you'll learn so much about yourself. If you have any other questions, please feel free to PM me.

In the meantime, I'll continue to sit here in my hotel room, looking pretty and bored!

[nikkim83]

Good morning everyone. I wanted to take a sec to drop in for a minute. I am begining to feel quite a bit better. I have basically come up with a plan of attack.

1) To get through the temporary insanity I cleaned out my basement.
2.) I have begun looking for a counselor/therapist
3) I have been brutally honest with myself and with my wife.( This has been tough)
4) Tried to focus on what I do have not what I don't
5) Been alot of window shopping
6) Set up a game plan for myself. I get a little bit everyday but
Not enough to fully satisfy. My schedule is currently as such I stay with my kids during the day wife has them at night while I work from our basement. October 8 my schedule is changing I will be completely home alone every Friday. Every Friday I not Nickie I am going to dress to the full 9 yards.

These are the things that I have to be appreciative of and this is how I am choosing to proceed. Until I feel I need to do further, and a counselor agrees its in my best interest to do so. I am a lucky individual I need to focus on what I do have.

Some girls here have given straight forward direct advice and some have been a softer shoulder. Everyone is appreciated more than you all know.
I was in a very very dark place, thoughts that I have rarely had before but its time to put the big girl panties on pick up and move forward with a plan.

[sarah_hillcrest]

time to put the big girl panties on pick up and move forward with a plan.

That's the spirit! Good for you.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'm so happy to hear you've pulled out of the slump Nickie, that's really excellent news.

Please keep checking in and letting us know how it goes.

[Tracii G]

Yes do keep us in the loop about your progress.

[char GG]

Glad that you are coming out of your depressing times.

I understand that you get wrapped up in your dressing and don't want to stop. I don't want to minimize your feelings. However, your initial post indicates that you have a supportive wife and four young children. In the future, after a weekend of dressing, maybe you should focus on taking your wife out on a date or playing with your children. Laughter from kids goes a long way to make most parents smile.

[nikkim83]

Glad that you are coming out of your depressing times.

I understand that you get wrapped up in your dressing and don't want to stop. I don't want to minimize your feelings. However, your initial post indicates that you have a supportive wife and four young children. In the future, after a weekend of dressing, maybe you should focus on taking your wife out on a date or playing with your children. Laughter from kids goes a long way to make most parents smile.

My wife went out with me dressed over the weekend, I spend every morning with my kids, (the two not in school). She works night I work days, we save an ungodly amount of money in childcare cost that way (plus I work from home to pick up any other slack). I did get some therapeutic relief painting my daughters nails for her. And Giving my little ones lawn mower rides. Above all else my family comes first, hence the reason I am hesitating fully transitioning.