They say all good things must come to an end

[Foxglove]

Do we have to be mean to Marla? She's one of us, and a very nice one of us, too. Whether she's asking for it not, she's got my sympathy. Now I wonder if I can help her out?

No and I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to find out why she posted what she did. There's not much point in a forum where all the responses ade "poor baby, this is hard on you."

OK, Linda, the comment sounded mean to me. But if you're saying it wasn't intended to be, I can accept that. I can agree with you that certain kinds of posts might not be helpful on a thread like this, but there's been more than that sort of post on this thread.

Quitting dressing is not like quitting smoking or alcohol. Tobacco and alcohol are not a part of your intrinsic makeup. TGism is.

That's nothing but a tired and overused excuse for a lack of self control. Crossdressing is something you do. You can stop by just not doing it. It may not be easy but you can stop. Consider this - You are put in jail. Would you stop crossdressing? You join the army and live in a barracks with other men or are sent to a war zone. Would you stop crossdressing? You suffer from a medical condition or an accident and are moved into a nursing home. Would you stop crossdressing?

Linda, I think you're missing a very big point here. Some people on this forum say that their CDing is about nothing but the clothes, and maybe they would not be missing much by giving them up. I'm not sure of that, though. Because a lot of those members do say that their clothes are important to them.

But for some of us, our TGism is not just clothes. It runs much, much deeper than that. It certainly appears to me that's Marla's case. Let her pronounce on that. But it's certainly my case, and when you're telling me to stop dressing, you're telling me to stop being trans, to stop being what I am. And that doesn't sit too well with me.

Imagine saying this to a black guy: "Hey, if you want to get along in a white dominated society, you have to stop being black. Why do you have to dress like a black guy? Why do you have to talk with that black accent? Can't you dress and talk like a white guy?"

I think we'd all agree that is nothing but pure racism. But that's what you're telling me and other transpeople like me when you suggest that it's just "a matter of self-control": if you want to get along in the cisworld, you've got to stop being trans. I don't know what the word for this is. Transphobia? "Anti-transism"? In any case, you're not telling me to stop dressing. You're telling me to stop being trans.

For you perhaps, dressing or not is a matter of self-control. For me it's a question of what I am. It's not like giving up booze or cigarettes. It's giving up myself. And it's not "a tired and overused excuse for a lack of self control." Sorry, but I have to say this: that sounds so much like my father, it makes me cringe.

Marla may be put in a position where she must either stop crossdressing or lose her wife. Personally, I am fortunate enough that my wife has accepted my dressing but if she didn't, I would quit dressing rather than lose her.

Yes, you're very fortunate. But Marla's not. She's up against the "trans dilemma". A lot of us know what that is.