need help

[Violetgray]

Wow. There's little I can say that hasn't been put better by others here already.

I won't put you through an overabundance of text, I just want to stress some key points.

1.) Whatever your decision ends up being, make it later. Emotionally you are not in the right place to make any decision about the long term, even if it's one in his favor.

2.) Realize how much of this is ultimately about your father. As touched on earlier, it is really unfair to him and to yourself to judge your current experiences by that one. He's not your father, you're not your mother, if you work together you can give this story a better ending.

3.) You said earlier that you want your child to be open-minded from her own experiences, not what you two do. It doesn't work that way. It's always up to the parents to teach their kids to be open minded, that's the only place they get it from.

Please keep us posted, and be well...

[unclejoann]

You and your husband must just love and enjoy your baby right now. That is the only thing of importance.

[Dana]

I'm not to going to comment so much other than to say you're not a terrriable and horrible person.

You are what you are, he is what he is ~ and it is what it is.

Personally I would recommend both individual and marriage couseling. Your both are probally young, and got married in a fever, without taking the time to find out who and what you are as people, individuals and exploring who and what you are. So for now just back off on any and all issues, and go out into the "ville" (off and away from base).

That is to say, if your stationed at Fort Bragg, or Cornodo, Ca, then you need to find a IC and MC well away from the base. If the military finds out about it? His being Bi or a CD its a court martial offense under the UCMJ, and they will prosecute!

There isn't any "patient confidentionality" in the military. Anything you say to a military counselor/psych "can and will be used against you!" (Ref: "The Caine Muintiy"). This is because its come up time and time again in determining "fitness for command"

There are some "confidentiallity" issues in speaking with a military parson/chaplian/ preist ~ but even they can be compelled to testify you under certain circumstances and in regards to certain subjects.

Its obvious to me that you and he both need both IC and MC, and that both of you have un-resolved isssues from your childhoods. And that's not being judgemetal, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Most of us do, and it takes most of us a lifetime to resolve it without IC.

[thatgirl]

dont think what has happend in the past is going to happend now. the past is the past cant do anything about it. The persent is now, you make the change of what will happend in the future of today and tomarrow. Life is different for then. you said you had friends that were like that and you accepted them why cant you accept and deal with your husband.

why make it so dificult for yourself, trying to find excused not to be with him because of his cding and/or because of what happend to your family in the past. why are you letting this get you. maybe its you that have the biggest problem in this picture. you said you want your family to be opened mined. how could that ever happend when you are still closed minded.

[Brina Halloween]

[SIZE=2]Lots of great advise.

I had only two thoughts from reading your posts that I might mention:

1. While everyone is different, I would not assume that a person cross dressing is trying to be a girl. The ones that are appear on TV shows. Consider it the ultimate compliment. Was there any 10 year old girl that didn't want to be Myley Cyrus two years ago? Or even today...

2. I have heard many times that we chose people that are like our parents. I can remember one girl that I really wanted a date with. I saw some article that mentioned this and the next time I saw her I realized she would probably look like my grandmother in 50 years..... Same thing is said about alcohol. I heard that one tonight in fact. I wonder how much your husband is like your father. Only you can decide, only you can choose the outcome from this.

Even if he can't talk to a counselor, I suspect what you say to one is confidential and could not be used against him. Especially if it is not a military counselor.

Good Luck,

Brina[/SIZE]

[Dana]

You and your husband must just love and enjoy your baby right now. That is the only thing of importance.

BINGO! BULLSEYE! DEAD-ON!

Once you've had a child together? Its all about them and none about YOU!

why make it so dificult for yourself, trying to find excused not to be with him because of his cding and/or because of what happend to your family in the past. why are you letting this get you. maybe its you that have the biggest problem in this picture. you said you want your family to be opened mined. how could that ever happend when you are still closed minded.

So not fair! You've so NOT lived the Life she's lead! Experienced what she's experienced!

I've "played' on via the internet? Most male types are "Wham Bam! Thank you, Ma"am!" IOW'S?

PIGS!

[AmandaM]

Hi, I just wanted to say that when my wife met me, I was a macho-type, into cage fighting, ex-military combat arms-friends in sf, ex-cop, ex-biker, you name it. She was a blond college cheerleader who's brother played on the football team. So, you can see our relationships are similar in that regard. After a couple of months of dating, I let her know about my hobby, she said, "so". And to this day she doesn't care. The difference between her and you? She didn't grow up with the stress about it that you had. Your past causes you to project the hurt, pain, etc. from your dad onto your husband. I think that if you realize that your husband is not your dad, your bad reaction to it will minimize. It reminds me of a friend who became a Buddhist cause his Baptist preacher dad used to beat him severely. I asked my friend, "Why is that God's fault?". It's not, and it's not your husband's either. Realize what you have may be better than what you think you need.

[unhappywife]

well I am now sleeping on the couch and as it stands we have both decided till he makes up his mind that we will act as a married couple but not really be one. as for whats been said I have to thank all of you but I guess in the end the choice was there already. my daughter will always know her father loves her but I cant be with some one. when I got married to him i had the image of a man being a man and this is just some thing I cant wrap my mind around. some of this might be from what my birth dad did to my family but right now in this stage of life I cant deal with this. I have my daughter to worry about and if I am an emotional wreck then I cant take care of her as needed.l my husband will be on his way to germany in febuary and I will be staying here in the states. I brought up the idea of maybe he wasnt really a cross dresser and told him to stay in our marriage I needed him to tell me that knowing how I feel he doesnt want this and he cant. saddly enough that just put in to my mind that this is some thing I know I can not handle. I do need to work through my own issues so maybe us being married isnt a good idea. I will not stop loving him but I know I cant love him for every thing he is. you all tell me I am not a bad wife but for not being able to handle this I feel as if maybe my days of being with any one is over. I never wanted him to be 100% of what I wanted but I know in my heart and soul that this is not some thing I will be able to handle . Its either he doesnt do it and by asking him to do that your right I am asking him to lie to him self about who he is or he goes and finds some one who can accept every thing about him. I guess in a way I feel I am making the right choice for him so he doesnt have to hide this or lie to him self about some thing he truly wants.

[suchacutie]

Dear Unhappy

Welcome to this forum. I've been here a couple of years and found that there is just about every imaginable variation of "gender investigation" represented on this forum. That alone should say something about the wide variation of experiences we all have had, and the different expectations we all bring to this side of us.

I only found this feminine side of me 3.5 years ago. I did find it in the presence and with the ehcouragement of my wife. After a couple of days the thought did hit her to say, "you do understand that I need the man I married". I explained to her that, as always, SHE came first in my life and never would our exploration of my feminine self upstage that agreement.

So far you haven't told us what your husband's goal is in crossdressing. Truly, if his goal is to use his feminine presentation as a means to go sexually outside of your marriage, than it's not the crossdressing that's an issue, but his consideration of your marriage agreement. However, if his goal, like mine, is to explore the femininity he feels within himself, and keep it private to the two of you, then this is a very different situation. I never intend to stop being a man, but there are times when is so pleasant for Tina and my wife to spend an evening together (Tina and my wife are totally platonic!).

Please, ask him to be clear and open about his goals, and if they are out of line with your marriage agreement, you should, in my opinion, challenge that. If not...if he is eager to explore his feminine side with your help, and within the boundaries you set (e.g. keep this totally private to the two of us) you might find that suddenly you have an incredibly empathetic, thoughtful, and understanding husband.

all our wishes for your best,
tina

[curse within]

Hi Unhappy.

First thing first..I would like to say thank you to your husband for serving this Country of ours ..

Your in a pickle sweetie...You have made it clear that his desire to dress is not acceptable if you can not get past that point your marriage should be desolved.. Why waste another 10 to 20 years..Because I tell you what he will not stop as much as he wants to as much as he loves you and his child he will continue to do it..He can control when and where he does it you don't have to like or accept it to stay with him

I would read more on crossdressing before you make and rash desicions..if you go the the loved ones section there are some links you can follow explaining some about crossdressing..I can go there for you and post them here if you like?..Let me know..

Best of luck Please make sure you at least read up on it before you judge him..

C.W.

[Raquel June]

You're overwhelmed by emotions and you're being totally irrational.

... my husband just told me he is in to cross dressing. My automatic response was to tell him if he really wanted that then to divorce me and go be happy because I could not deal with the idea. I still cant. He then told me that he would ignore the idea, I tried to tell him that it wasn't some thing that he could just ignore but as it is sitting he still wants to try to ignore the idea.

Look at what you said:

- you told him if he wanted to crossdress then he should divorce you

- you said his desire to crossdress is not something he can ignore

He's telling you he wants to forget about it and go back to a normal life, but you're saying that's not possible. Your mind is made up. Time for a divorce. This is a decision you have made. Don't blame it on him. Don't argue about it. Don't make him miserable holding it over his head if you're not going to change your mind. Just get divorced.

He has never acted on his desire to cross dress, in fact he didn't get the idea till he married me.

You sure about that? That's extremely rare. Many crossdressers had those feelings at a very young age, and at the latest they started to realize something they weren't quite normal as they were going through puberty.

I then tried the it will ruin your life( keep in mind my husband's job is the military).

You need to stop panicking and put some thought into this. Just because he wants to get prettied up doesn't mean he's going to show up at work dressed like Corporal Klinger.

I hang out with several crossdressers in the Air Force, and three Viet-Nam vets. I'm a software engineer for a defense contractor. Although I wouldn't show up to work in a skirt, I'm not worried about crossdressing ruining my life.

I have seen first hand what this does to a family and I also know that there are two kinds of familys when it comes to this. There is the kind of family that can deal with any thing and make it through some thing like this and then there is what my family is, it gets torn apart.Maybe not right away but it slowly gets torn apart.

That's a horrible outlook. If you're going to say that your family is weak and can't take any kind of hardship, that's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You might as well get divorced now. Even if it's not crossdressing, something will eventually come up that is "impossible for your family to deal with," so just get it over with. But I have to ask -- why is your family so fragile?

Now some of you might be thinking I am close minded but I can assure you I am not. I am bisexual and so is my husband I have a few friends who do cross dress and I am all for the idea of them being happy, but see here is the difference I am not married to them.

Regardless of how many girls you fooled around with when you were younger, you're a married woman now. You made a choice to be in a monogamous heterosexual relationship with a man. It's time to stop referring to yourself as bisexual.

Were you sexually abused as a child? Or was one of your parents a drug addict or alcoholic? Or is it just that your father left you at a very young age? Have you been diagnosed as bipolar or borderline?

Did you used to date the "bad boys" (and the occasional girl) then finally settled down with a nice guy? And this nice guy just doesn't flip your cookie like the a**holes you used to date, does he? Especially after his revelation of a feminine side!

I'm getting the feeling from you that I get from a lot of women who went through childhood trauma and are now on a subconscious mission to create chaos and sabotage their relationships. You really need therapy. And if you want to save this relationship, you need to get therapy along with your husband. Don't fool yourself. You already let the cat out of the bag about your total lack of family (and personal) stability. This is not all about your husband. You need help.

I have had experience with the cross dressing life style before when I was younger and I saw it tear a more or less happy family apart and caused more mental issues for the daughter that was involved.

That's why it's usually a bad idea for crossdressers to dress up in front of their kids, kinda like it's usually a bad idea for them to dress up at work. You've gotta use common sense. Just because some crossdressers lose their jobs or traumatize their kids doesn't mean that all of them will.

My husband told me that being with me would make him more then happy yet if that was the case how can he sit here and ignore part of who he is and still be happy?

Again, you are the one telling him that even if he forgets about it he now has no options other than divorce. You are the one that's going to have to change your attitude if you don't want to get divorced.

I offered to let him go and be happy since I could not cope with the idea. The idea of him in woman's clothing is a sexual turn off for me. I even told him that he would probably be happier with some one who could deal with the idea. Needless to say what he wanted to be a talk turned in to an argument of about 12 hours and resulted in me grabbing my daughter and some of hers and my belongings and going to stay with a friend.

Wow! You know he wants to say with you, but you offered to divorce him! That's awfully generous of you.

You need to take responsibility for your actions. You can't blame your issues on him. He mentioned crossdressing, and you said you can't deal with it, so he said to forget about it. You won't forget about it, though. Instead of forgetting about it, you argued for 12 hours and took his daughter and left. At this point I have to change my mind and say that you are in fact a terrible person.

You're not a terrible person because you had a bad childhood. You're a terrible person because you haven't gotten any help for it, and now you're making other people miserable. You're going to make sure that your new daughter has a childhood that's just as chaotic as yours was, and she's going to have all the problems that you did. So the cycle of abuse continues...

I have never had a successful relationship more or less till I got with my husband. I have always been the person to make the sacrifice to make the relationship work and I have always been the one who had to make the choice of this or them.

Yeah, you never had a successful relationship because you always dated a**holes. You made sacrifices for for a**holes but the relationship still didn't work out. Then you accidentally got hooked up with a nice guy, and you can't stand it. You have to sabotage the relationship.

None of your relationships have been successful up till this one, and you're trying your hardest to make it fail. What do all your bad relationships have in common? You can't blame this on your partners. Even if you could blame it on them, the fact is that you're the one who chose these partners, so obviously you have bad judgement. You're wired wrong. You need help.

So being in the position of making him make this choice makes me feel as if I am the most horrible person around. I just want some insight on what to do about all of this.

Stop lying to yourself! You're not giving him a choice! You're telling him that he can't take back what he said and now there's no option other than divorce. Don't blame this on him. This is your decision. He doesn't have any say in it.

You might think your situation is unique, but it's not. You're actually a very classic case. You really need therapy. A good therapist can really help. They've seen all your problems before.

Never mind how miserable you're making your husband. You will never be happy unless you address whatever personal issues you have which are making you think this way.



I've gotta admit I only skimmed the rest of this thread after your initial post. People are trying to address the crossdressing part of it, and that's fine, but even if you resolve that completely, you're still going to find a way to destroy this marriage. It's not that I'm a mind reader, it's just that I've seen the way people work, and this is a very common cycle you're acting out. It just happens to have been set off by a comment about crossdressing.




Edit:

OK, I lied. I went back and looked through your other posts, and...

some of this might be from what my birth dad did to my family

Bingo. You're not a unique snowflake. You've gone through what millions of women have gone through. You just need some help.

[Di]

I am a GG too ( FAB) :D Please do not do anything rash. You just had a baby
the intense hormone fluctuations after a delivery and the major changes a baby brings into one's life (such as sleep deprivation) can contribute to feelings of not thinking clearly, depression and even rage. Having a baby IS ONE of the most dramatically life-altering events one can experience, and finding out now is making you over react. In the scheme of life you will realize this is not such a big deal as you thinking it is right now.
Please do this.....do not act rash, maybe find someone to talk to (counseling) AND REMEMBER THIS...this is the same person you love...NOTHING HAS CHANGED.
Best Wishes

[Sandra]

Hi

I too am a GG and happily married to a cder for 20 years all of this time she has cd, so not all marriages are doomed.

I do agree with Di about how things are with just having a baby, everything is upside down, mole hills become mountains.

With the hormones surging around like no ones business, and what happened when you were younger, is going to make to wonder and most likely react as you have done, but please just stop and re-think.

He is still your husband underneath the clothing, clothing do not make the person.

I really do hope you can accept this, being married to a cder is not a bad thing, infact it opens up a whole range of things.

[Desiree2bababe]

Kimberly's advice is sound. I too have been married 23 years with two children and have kept it out of their lives.

I would hope your major concern now would be for your daughter, I would think growing up without an at home father would be more damaging than having a father than may crossdress. Being a military man, I would suspect he would have the discipline to keep this part of his being a secret until your daughter's is old enough to know.......

I wish your marriage the best of luck........

[lynn1969]

Wow.

Unhappywife, let's see what you have on your plate. You have a (relatively) new marriage, a new baby, issues w/ post-partum depression, a husband who is being deployed to Germany soon leaving you at home alone, unresolved childhood trauma which is directly tied in w/ crossdressing, as well as intimacy issues w/ the husband and all that can do to your and his self esteem. Hmm......

W/ this all on your plate, now is not the time to make any major decisions.

Take a deep breath, and step back.

Raquel (sp? apologies if I got your name wrong) just gave you a dose of tough love, and although the message is harsh, she has some good points. I disagree w/ her that you are a terrible person, you just have a lot of things swirling around in your head right now and must feel so lost.

There is a theory that you subconsciously choose your life partner in order to work out unresolved issues from your childhood. There is a huge opportunity for you to have some major growth here. What you do w/ that opportunity is up to you.

You do need your husband to explain what he wants to accomplish w/ his crossdressing and what he wants to get out of it, without that you don't really know what you are dealing w/.

Sick around, keep posting so you can join the FAB forum, there is a lot of great info on this site.

[Bridged]

Hi,

Welcome to the forum, I hope you will stay awhile and try to work through your feelings before you make a final decision!

I just wanted to let you know that time can change things for you. I'm sure that you are aware of your hormonal changes after having baby, plus you were just handed a GIANT bit of information about your husband. Please, give yourself some time. Concentrate on being a mom right now, you can deal with your husband when you are feeling a bit more comfortable.

I have been married for 10 years now, I just found out about my husbands' cding, and I have to tell you, it threw me for quite a loop! I contemplated divorce, not because of the crossdressing as much as the years of lying, hiding etc...

That was only a few months ago. I have a new perspective on things only a short time later. I would have NEVER believed that I would be where I am today, if you told me back in August.

Please stay here, ask all the questions you want, but most importantly, listen to what is being said to you. Take some time to look at your husband for WHO he is, not what he wears. It's may seem impossible right now, but it's up to you to remain rigid in the concept of not being able to handle cding or not............it's up to YOU.

Good luck,

Bridged

[2b.Lauren]

I certainly am not able to offer anything of substance that has not already been said by all the wonderful ladies before me. As a professional counselor who works with families, couples, and adolescents I have seen many of the experiences you have discussed, and am sure that I might experience the same diffculties in my marriage as you. My wife would not support my choices as a CD, and therefore I do not make it an issue in our relationship. I make sure that I keep that side of me to myself. I might have shortchanged both of us by not talking with her about this but I feel it more important right now to keep things as they are. Not broken so don't try to fix it, because she and I have bigger issues. Right now all of this is such a shock to you and you are flooded by the many feelings and memories that you experienced as a child watching your parents (a child's rock, support, stability, their world) fall apart around you because of this decision not just limited to the actual act, but the discovery as well. So hopefully you will allow yourself and husband the time to settle the dust and then when it is appropriate set a time that you both can talk more, and not argue. When I say set a time it is to help initiate boundaries to make sure both of you have the time, ability, and energy to devote to a healthy discussion verses a 12 hour fight. If you have engagements or to work or to do something with the family or others, are hungry, tired, not feeling well, etc etc, then leave it alone. You must both be willing to set limits on the conversation in order to assure that both of your needs are met. Arguments that go on that long are just so unhealthy and actually have lost there affectiveness within the first 30 or less minutes. Neither of you felt validated but the fight still continued.

Don't allow yourself to believe in generalizations from your past, present, or even the popular world view. Both of you entered into a relationship knowing a valued part of each others past and that was the bi-sexual peice. You were able to come to terms and set boundaries on that aspect of your relationship. Each of you committing to not have sex with anyone else especially the same sex. You might have the desire as you mentioned but you are still devoted to your agreement with each other and do not act on feelings or desires that you know are off limits. I commend both of you on being able to set those limits and boundaries in advance to have a healthy relationship. So if you both want to you can work out an agreement regarding his CD'ing. This really is not a relationship buster (unless you both can not come to terms) but a chance to deepen your trust and regard for each other. So now you know he does this, and it has caused major ambivalence for how you see him and your relationship. So is this a situation where you must say is it too good to leave or too bad stay, after having this knowledge. Please for your own sake, his and your child's take the necessary time to explore this with each other. After you set the boundaries if you still feel uncomfortable then you must reevaluate the decision. If you are not able to get past this and it is a barrier or hurdle, then yes you owe it to yourself to move on. I have reached this place in my own relationship but it has nothing to do with my CD'ing, but many other problems my wife and I have. So take time, let this settle, and then come back together very very soon and have a healthy conversation.

Thanks for you post here, no judgement just wishing you and yours the most successful resolution possible as you explore this!

Lauren

[AmandaM]

I agree with the recent posts. Give it some time, a few months, before you decide on divorce. Some here are married, and their spouses don't want to see it, hear it, etc. So, maybe you two need to stop talking about it or making it the elephant in the living room.

[sometimes_miss]

Unhappy, it's time to make your intellect start working for you, and not get carried away in hurt feelings. Yes, we fall in love with an image, an image we create of our beloved based on everything we know about them. The sexual attraction we feel, and the love we have, are all intertwined and focused on the image we have created.
Now, the image you had of your husband has been changed forever. The pure masculine has been forever changed, into something you weren't ready to deal with. But you should. Your husband is the same person he's always been. It's just what you know of him that has changed. He loves you just the same. He's attracted to you just the same. He's willing to do whatever he can for you, just the same as he always has. If he's having any sexual problems, it's more related to a temporary crisis in confidence that he has, related to how he feels you perceive him now.
You say you're bisexual; then surely, you have seen females who were attractive, and may now examine what it was about them that was attractive. Also, surely, you will be able to find some similarities between those women, and the feminine qualities and characteristics your husband now wants to be able to express as his own.
It's not so much that we want to be women, although for some, if we had started out that way our lives may have been quite different, possibly better, possibly not. It's more that we have a overwhelming desire to express certain female qualities, desires, and feelings (probably some you would find in yourself) that we sometimes see as better than the male ones we pretend to temporarily discard when we 'dress up'. We want to embrace beauty; kindness; selflessness; nurturing those we love; caring more about others feelings than perhaps we think a man could get away with without being derided; expressing our full range of emotions in ways that a woman is allowed to, and a man is not. And yes, sometime focusing on ourselves, wanting our SO's to pay us some of the intense sexual attraction that we always feel for them.
He will always be 'the man you married'. He is the sum of everything he is, what you know, and what you don't know, and he always has been, whether you knew it or not. All the things he has done in the past, all the love he's expessed to you, were in part partially based on the 'feminine' side of him that you never knew about. Knowing that, can you really stop loving him? Can you just stop being attracted to him, because you didn't know where so much of his good qualities came from? I don't think you can; I think that if you rush into separating from him, you'll regret it tremendously in the long run. I know you feel hurt right now, but this will pass.
Don't rush into anything, don't make any rash decisions based on hurt, frustration, or even anger.
In the meantime, allow him to continue to crossdress in private if you aren't able to deal with it. Making him try to stop won't work. It never does.
Continue to talk to others about this. Seek out support groups for SO's of crossdressers. Ask other's opinions there, and read up on what makes us 'tick' (although, it varies greatly from CD'er to CD'er'. But it's best to get a working knowledge of all the possibilities. Then perhaps you can understand your SO a bit better, perhaps not seeing his crossdressing as a wedge in your relationship, but more of an 'accessory' to it. After all, by embracing female qualities, he's expressing his admiration for everything you are; can you really find fault with that? They do say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, no?

[goofus]

Personally I don't think your a bad wife or person after all you didn't sign up for this same was as my wife didn't.. I wouldn't blame any wife from divorcing their husband in a heart beat.. so you need to think this one out and do what's best for you and your child and your family if you decide to go that route..

I'm lucky my wife accepted and loves me as her husband and doesn't really want to know about my crossdressing.. A blind eye thing..

I dunno Karren...having been in relationships with supportive significant others I'd almost prefer that my wife divorced me over "don't ask, don't tell" ... just my :2c:

[charlie]

Hello Unhappy Wife!
I am a cross dresser. My wife wanted to leave me when she found out. Because we love each other we made a agreement that takes care of most of the problem. I went through the whole deal of explaining that just because I wear girls clothes, I was not gay. I also understood that she married a man, not a woman. She did not want to see me as a woman. Our agreement is that she does not have to be part of my dressing. She does not have to see me dressed. I dress when I'm alone or out of town. We do not discuss my need of dressing nor do I get her involved in it. Also, I do not wear her clothes. Try to make an arrangement that you both can work with. It is "for better or worst" you know.

[unhappywife]

so let me ask this the simple fact of knowing has made it impossible for us to be intamate. my husband has never acted on this and as i said it just came out of the blue...so basicly i am supposed to sit on the side and never have sex with him? then whats the point of being married? he wants to be a female with out the surgery (his own words) and thats not what I need nor what I want. yes alot of you gave great advice but the only thing that i can think of to do is what I have done. I have told him I cant have sex with him or even sleep in the same bed with him till he can tell me he doesnt want this. I understand alot of you are in accepting relationships but im not you. for me this does change him and the way i feel about him.we have a marriage counseling appointment next week but as i said i cant continue this marriage till he can tell me this isnt what he wants and if he cant do that then maybe the answer is a divorce....saddly something I would have never suggested if this never came up. I to believe in not throwing that around. His expectations if I let him do this is as follows:

He wants me to have sex with him analy while dressed as a female
He wants to feel like a female with out having to spend the money for the surgery
He wants me to be part of all of this and wants to basicly live as a female

You guys sit here and asked me what he wanted out of this and what he wants I cant give him I cant stay married to him with knowing that he even thinks about it. We never had issues in the bed room unless he sleeps with a guy which when alot of you I guess assumed was recently. Our marriage has had alot of problems this is just the topping of the cake.

[Raquel June]

Raquel (sp? apologies if I got your name wrong) just gave you a dose of tough love, and although the message is harsh, she has some good points. I disagree w/ her that you are a terrible person, you just have a lot of things swirling around in your head right now and must feel so lost.

That's just semantics, isn't it?

She may not intend to be a terrible person -- only the worst sociopaths do. She's making terrible decisions which are hurting her husband, though, and will damage her daughter for life. At some point you have to admit that she's responsible.

I really feel bad for her, but I've seen situations like this before. I was in a 12-year relationship with a woman who was sexually abused by her alcoholic father's friends. It was a GREAT relationship for the first few years. Eventually it fell apart, though, even though she never even caught me trying on her clothes (which was rarely). She wasn't consciously trying to hurt people. She wanted to be happy. She wanted me to be happy. She wanted to make her family happy. But in the end she was totally unable to maintain a stable relationship, absolutely refused to talk with anybody about her issues, and lately has been trying to find happiness by dating "tough guys" who are cheating on their wives with her.

Even if the OP gets past this, she will eventually destroy the marriage if she doesn't get help. I've talked to a lot of therapists, taken a lot of psychology classes, and read a lot of books, but what actually made it all come together was listening to over 1000 episodes of Loveline and seeing just how shockingly common this cycle of abuse is (at least in the US).

They very rarely listen. They very rarely get help. They very rarely believe that it has anything to do with them. They just think it's a cosmic coincidence that everybody they get really close to has their life fall apart.

That's why divorce is the best thing for her if she's not going to get help, because at least then her husband has some hope of future happiness (and this has nothing to do with crossdressing). Of course her daughter's still going to have major issues.

He wants me to have sex with him analy while dressed as a female
He wants to feel like a female with out having to spend the money for the surgery
He wants me to be part of all of this and wants to basicly live as a female

...

e never had issues in the bed room unless he sleeps with a guy which when alot of you I guess assumed was recently. Our marriage has had alot of problems this is just the topping of the cake.

Wow.

That's a lot different than saying, "He said he wants to crossdress, and I can't accept that, so he told me to forget about it."

Yeah. It's time for a divorce. You can't just go around letting your husband get screwed by guys, whether or not he's wearing a dress.

I still think you have to deal with your past, and I'm sure that incited a lot of your marriage issues, but at this point the relationship is done.

Seriously. Get divorced. Get some help. Do what's right for your daughter. Try to make a stable environment for her. Don't go bringing nutty guys around the house every weekend, whether or not they're bisexual crossdressers.

[Karen C]

I cook for a liveng and a chef once said to me . Look at the plate as if you were blind form birth and you had to describe the plate for someone else what would you tell them.

Well look at it like this you cant see him but you love his voice . He is strong yeat tender when he needs to be . When your alone you feel more secure with him than you ever felt with anyone else . From his footsteps in the house you know where he is and almost what he is dowin in the ketchen . When he is holding the baby you know he is the most confident father figure he/ she could ever have . He is strong yeat loveing . He is secure enough withen him self to be able to teach your child anything and strong enough to be able to answer any question . You know that question could be from the female or the male point of view .

were all human first .
were all born naked .
clothes dont make the woman /man .
there are women that walk around with frumpy jeans and sweatshirts all the time .
there are men that have no fashion sense and there whives pick out all there clothes .

God doesnt care if you go to church in jeans or a suit as long as you go and praise him and believe .

who am I to judge I was born naked to .

[sometimes_miss]

We never had issues in the bed room unless he sleeps with a guy which when alot of you I guess assumed was recently. Our marriage has had alot of problems this is just the topping of the cake.

There's a lot more going on here than just the crossdressing problem. You're both going to have to sit down with an intermediary and hash this one out. Otherwise you may as well just divorce and get it over with.