need help

[jessielee]

There's a lot more going on here than just the crossdressing problem. You're both going to have to sit down with an intermediary and hash this one out.

well, dear,
i offered a lot based on my perception that he'd never acted on it and wasn't a confirmed CDer but that this is just a recent whim. agree with above. how much are both of you willing to forebear with each other? i don't believe its necessarily over already. your relationship and you are both young.this is an incredibly stressful time for you even without this. i agree, if he's screwing around, this has nothing to do with wanting to dress or feel feminine.
it has to do with honour and love and commitment.
i am still pulling for you. but it will require compromise from both of you.
hugs,
jessie

[Sharon]

I have to ask you, unhappywife, why the heck are you here? You ask for help, yet you dismiss out-of-hand all the helpful and caring advice you have received. You are absolutely unwavering.

And may I suggest something? When you next, if ever, begin a thread here or anywhere else, tell us the complete story from the beginning. Don't keep throwing out additional, and very relevant, tidbits that totally change the story. Don't you think it would have been useful for the members to know that your husband wanted to live fulltime as a female from the beginning?

If you truly want help, take the time to consider what is written to you. You are discussing a life-altering situation here, not one that should be reacted to before you and your husband have had time to really consider all the ramifications.

Good luck to you and I truly hope you spend the time loving your baby and getting your emotions back to where they normally are. Divorce, if that is your ultimate decision, will still be an option a month or a year from now.

[Raquel June]

And may I suggest something? When you next, if ever, begin a thread here or anywhere else, tell us the complete story from the beginning. Don't keep throwing out additional, and very relevant, tidbits that totally change the story. Don't you think it would have been useful for the members to know that your husband wanted to live fulltime as a female from the beginning?

She threw out a lot more than an additional tidbit. She totally changed her story. She went from yesterday:

my husband just told me he is in to cross dressing.
...
He then told me that he would ignore the idea
...
My husband told me that being with me would make him more then happy

To today:

He wants me to be part of all of this and wants to basicly live as a female

Initially she was grasping at straws. The best she could come up with was complaining that he's in the military and might lose his job if he gets caught. Today she's saying he wants her to use a strap-on to have sex with him.

I think she's just being defensive because of the responses she got. The reality is that she just wants out of the relationship. Maybe he mentioned some fantasy about wanting to be a girl then quickly told her to forget about it, but now she's going to hold it over his head till they get divorced.

Unless she gets therapy and actually changes her mind about a lot of things (which would likely take several years), there is no option for her other than to get divorced. She even came right out and said she is totally turned off by him and never wants to have sex with him again.

Besides, he cheated on her with a man. The marriage isn't going to work. She needs to get rid of him and work on building a stable environment and maybe salvage some fraction of her daughter's childhood. She's a mom now. It's not about what she wants.

[mklinden2010]

OK, so now the plot thickens...

He wants to have anal sex, take the part of the woman, etc., etc., etc.

Yeah, that's a lot more than most Crossdressers themselves sign up for. Not, however, as Seinfeld put it, that there's anything wrong with that...

Oh, wait, yeah there is... You didn't sign up for this and if he wants to change your marriage arrangements so much, then fine... But, so can you. Fair it fair. I get it.

I guess you, the two of you, are going to have to rework your deal. He may be just in the flush and fever of being out with his feelings and his dreams may be running wild... But, still that's a lot of information that he's putting out there and odds are good the bulk of it will ring true over time.

OK, first the crying, then the sighing...

"OK, bub, if that's what you really want to do..."

This can still all work out for the best. He may be a great guy, and, who knows?, an even better woman, or, his version thereof, but having been informed of his new proposals of who to have sex with and how and when, yes, you do get the right to rework the deal. We're not arguing about the fine print here, you know. This is the big print stuff he's trying to reword...

At this time, then, it's very important that you take this new information into the mix for any number of reasons. You didn't marry any other people and you aren't into him thinking he's someone else when you're intimate. A "now and then thing or one time fantasy, OK, maybe..." But, change your role, as his wife too? Ah, nooooo. Not if YOU don't want to. OK to ask, not OK to insist.

Rethinking and replanning a trip, like life, can be done. Saying, "Yes, go ahead -and good luck!" may just open up a far better life than you can imagine right now. Hopefully, for both of you.

Things like this happen in life. Let him do what he wants to do - so long - if that's your preference - that he does it "over there."

It's possible to love people from afar and get on to other things. If you can't be happy together, fine, be happy, or happier, apart.

It can be done.

Sorry you have more work to do; you thought - being married and all, that you had a lot of that behind you already. But, it will probably all work out for the best in the long run. If he's happier that way, there's no sense trying to change him; odds are good he tried that and now he's decided not to fight it. "OK, fine. Thanks for telling me. Good luck with that."

The most likely worse case, scenario, you know, is that you stay together and fight for 20 years and your kids grow up a mess - not because of clothes and sex - but because Mom and Dad don't model good adult behavior and do nothing together but create misery for years...

Everybody deserves better in life than that.

Good luck to you all.

PS

Like I said, he may just be all revved up about his own ideas and being "out" with them. His fever, if that's what it is, may subside and this may be a lot easier to deal with next week than it looks right now. If you can, wait a while before making any big decisions. Probably the slower you can go, the more likely you guys can get it worked out right the first time.

Again, good luck to you all.

[lori m crawford]

i am a cd to an i know what you going throw an my xs wen i told them we split but now we are they best of friends so my thinking is to work it out he cood a lot worst if he love you an the baby an works hard to spoort you the baby so what you cood do worst it is up to you i wood set don an talk about it it will work out if you wont

[Bev06 GG]

i AM A GG too ( FAB) :D Please do not do anything rash. You just had a baby
the intense hormone fluctuations after a delivery and the major changes a baby brings into one's life (such as sleep deprivation) can contribute to feelings of not thinking clearly, depression and even rage. Best Wishes

Ditto to that Di. Violetgray also advised against making any decisions at the moment because your not in the right place to make them and I'd have to add a big amen to that too. I too suffered from post natal depression and although not too badly, it did definitely turn my molehills into mountains. Give it some time and dont do anything rash. I'd also advise giving him a ruddy good slap for divulging such information right at your most vulnerable time. Sheesh men, how insensitive can you be, however, given time you might well feel differently about everything, but at the moment you need to concentrate on being a new mum and getting over your depression.
Best of luck. You know where we are if you need to bend an ear or two.
Take care
Bev

[Vicki65]

I guess I find the whole thing disgusting(not trying to offend any one and I am sorry if I do).

Dont worry about that! One thing most of us are is pretty thick skinned. I found MYSELF disgusting for such a long time - probably 20 years - before I accepted that THIS is who I am!

The idea of him wanting to be a female when I am a perfectly functioning one kinda puts a downer on me.

Does he want to be a female? I dont. I am happily male, happily straight, happily married. So he's bisexual, perhaps he just wants to explore sexuality further, but do you really think he actually wants to be female? I guess thats a bit of a big step beyond crossdressing as I understand it.

My wife struggled initially, the same way you appear to be doing. I expected she would, but I didn't want to keep any dark secrets. Now she is accepting, she realises I am still 'me'. Nothing has changed. If I wasn't a CD, I wouldn't be me. Would she still love me?

We have boundries too. She doesn't see me dressed. That is MY choice as well. I dont make a good looking female. It doesn't come into the bedroom. Other than that, she gives me the space and time if I need it, and we talk openly about it. It no longer bothers her at all.

This is probably still new for you. Give it time. You've already crossed (IMO bigger) bridges re both your bisexuality, which TBH would be a MUCH bigger deal for both of us!

Hell, its just a bl00dy skirt and high heels after all. It's not like he's a junkie is it? Good luck - keep talking!

[AmandaM]

<<He wants me to have sex with him analy while dressed as a female
He wants to feel like a female with out having to spend the money for the surgery
He wants me to be part of all of this and wants to basicly live as a female
>>

Whoa! This is different now. It's not just crossdressing. You have a right to your husband. You don't have to accept him living fulltime as a woman. You don't have to indulge his sexual proclivities. You don't have to be a part of his living fulltime. Sounds like he may be transgendered and not a crossdresser. He could, of course, be under enormous stress or something that has brought this out. What about the Army? How's he going to stay in and do this? Lots of questions, few answers. Get to therapy. In a couple of months, if he won't change, and you can't accept his terms, there is no compromise, etc., I will support you 100&#37; if you get a divorce.

[curse within]

Un Happy ..

Has you husband acted any of this out yet? If not get help as everyone else is saying..If so .....Run !! Thats not right you married a man you deserve a man.. Its his own doing ....to bad a child had to be envolved but keep in mind its about the Baby now.. either way you go..Think about that. The BABY!!

[Maxi]

Is it possible with him heading overseas, this could just be a fantasy he would like to fulfill? Could very well be if you fulfilled his fantasy, he might realize it is not what he thought. Or he may enjoy it. This could be a passing fling brought on by stress in his life, or maybe he really has changed. If you can't deal with it, divorce him. Don't stay married to him just for his paycheck. Let him move on and be happy.
From what I gather, he loves you, and is trying to be honest with you. Does this not hold any credability with you. If he kept it a secret, then I would say worry.
You need to decide what is best for you.

Good luck,

[MJ]

unhappy-wife,
please just go find a counselor that you both can talk too. you say you love him. but what about him he loves you too what about his feelings and theres your baby too.

I'm sorry you find the whole thing disgusting. but what have you learned. if you take time to scan the forum you will find that we care we have feelings some of us would love someone who can accept and love us for who we are as in a gg. we care about our sisters here this is not easy for us. but this is a part of us it won't go away when one of us hurts we all feel for that person because we have been there ourselves. the world may find the whole thing disgusting. but in the end all we have is each-other and if you stay around you will see that we are not disgusting but loving caring sensitive human beings who care.
i don't know what happened with your father and how family dealt with it but we are not as my ex says sick twisted disgusting. people .

please try to work it out. if you can't then don't put your husband down or use his cross dressing against him he loved you enough to tell you his inner most sacred of secrets.

[jamie55]

Dear Unhappy: I have been watching this for 2 days now and have held up on responding because I am probably the last one to give advice. I have seen a lot of good advice given by others but you seem reluctant to even consider what's been said. Now I'm happy I didn't respond sooner since the info given by you has drastically changed. I've been married for 33 years to the mother of my children and she doesn't like the cd side of me and let's me know in uncertain terms about her disapproval. The stubborn sob that I am still continues to press forward and guess what? We are still together, we sleep in the same bed, and occasionally do the nasty together. My point is this we take our wedding vows very seriously, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse or whatever the heck they are; hey I'm an old guy and I forget things easily.
The best advice I can give you is to take your time, go stay with your friend for awhile let your so figure this out. I'm sure that after a cooling off time you can get your heads together and come up with something. For the sake of your baby girl you surely need to try.

[PortiaHoney]

You are bi, he is bi. He wants to be the woman in the relationship and so do you. From what you have said, he wants you to be the man?????????????? You have changed the rules of the game as we see it by that last bit of info. (a lot of us fantasize about being in a lesbian relationship, a few make it come true)

Do either of you want this relationship to be exclusive of other people? If so, who is doing what?

I'm not religious or anything like that, but three in a bed (figuratively or otherwise) causes jealousy on some level or all levels. Neither of you can be "Bi" any other way. Some people see the "split" (m/f) part of their partner as the third person!!!!

It's a shame that you have got to this point and now you are parents. It would have been a little more convenient if you could both have been more honest sooner. Staying together for the sake of a child - an unhappy marriage makes for an unhappy child. Divorced parents/split homes don't seem to fair much better. Unless you can split amicably............ and always agree on how to raise your child.

You a bad person - no. A little naive maybe, the warning signs must have been there. Is he a bad person - no. Really bad judgement (or discovery) timing - definately.

From what you have said on your feelings and his requests, IMHO I don't see that either of you can go on in that relationship without one of you making some really huge change in ideals or desires. I got divorced for a lot less.

So, who exactly did you fall in love with in the first place? On that point, who did he fall in love with? How do you both end up a universe away from where you started? Is it a case of pushing the boundaries, or smashing them? How do you end up at this point and it's comes as such a surprise?

No need to tell us the answers. These are questions we have all asked ourselves at some point.

Good luck with whatever the outcome. My thoughts are with you.

Portia.

[Sammy777]

Hello
I will try & make this short & sweet [or at least somewhat]

The bombshell you dropped in your 5th post was information that would have been useful a few days ago.

Seems like you can add "non confrontational" to the list of the personal issues you need to deal with.

Even if this part of him never came up it is clear you really need to seek out help.
There seems to be a lot of excess baggage rolling around in your head you need to deal with that has nothing to do with the current events going on.
These recent events have just brought them to the surface.

Don't feel bad, Therapy is the new aspirin.

You mentioned he is going overseas & you planned on staying here.
Was that the original plan before all this?

My suggestion, put off the divorce for now.
Stay married, for the sake/name of it for now.
Let him go to his overseas post.
You stay here & work out your personal demons.
At the same time it gives him time to get his head straight over there.
Once he returns if things are still bad or worse, then go your separate ways.

As for you, Concentrate on your kid & seeking some help while he is away. Use that time wisely.

I would also say don't do what he has already done, meaning don't go all desperate housewifes. The last thing you need is to add another log to the fire.

You adding someone in your life [being a guy or girl], for whatever reasons, is not something you need or want to do right now.
Don't think well he did it so now I can to.

1) stay together [for now]
2) let him go away overseas
3) take care of your kid
4) work out your personal problems
5) both of your outlooks could be very different when he returns
6) if you can work something out then, great for both of you
7) if you can't, then get divorced and move on

[MichelleOBrien]

Wow. Okay, here's half the problem. You are both so worried about making a sacrifice for the other person's happiness that you're not listening or compromising. He's already said that he wouldn't do it. According to what you're telling us, he hasn't done it so far in the marriage. He's been a complete person up to now, so what's to stop him from being a complete person without changing who he already is?

Another thing, relationships aren't all about sex. There's got to be a companionship there as well that stretches so far beyond sex... I can't even describe it. The love of my life knows about my crossdressing, and has no problems with it provided I don't let it include her. She also can't deal with it, but is not willing to give me up either. So we've made a compromise.

If you both love each other, then my advice would be to talk, and LISTEN. If you still can't come up with a solution, perhaps it would be wise to involve a professional (and I don't mean a divorce lawyer).

I don't think you're a horrible wife, in fact I think the opposite. I think you are insanely in love with your husband, otherwise you wouldn't have come to a group of crossdressers for advice on how to deal with this, which had to wear on your fears of crossdressers. Just remember, we may be somewhat like your husband, but we're a lot like you too in the end.

We all want to be loved and to be happy. All the rest is just details.

[PamelaTX]

It's pretty clear from your posts that you have some significant problems. You've been given some pretty good advice, and you should consider it very carefully before proceeding with anything. You don't have to take any of the advice you've been given, but think about it for awhile before deciding whether it's good or bad advice. Don't try to react to it right away.

To repeat something that a couple of the GG's have said, right after having a baby is the absolute worst time to be making permanent decisions about things. (I'm male, but I'm also the father of four and have observed the way my wife felt after going through childbirth.) The way you think and feel about things right now is not how you will think and feel about things in a few months. (You may not believe this, but I can swear to you, it's true.) Focus on your baby and put the rest on hold until you're more-or-less back to normal. Counseling is probably a good idea.

Your husband says he can ignore the whole thing, and to a certain degree, he's right. I made a similar decision in my early teens, and stuck to it for many years. Although I would probably have been happier if I hadn't done this, it's not impossible. Since he's offered, it's not unreasonable for you to ask him to put the whole thing on hold, at least until you can sort things out. You just had his baby, for crying out loud! That deserves some consideration.

I think that you're in a very tough situation, and I don't envy you at all. But when you discuss things with your husband, don't start with the word "divorce." That's not a solution to anything. It may be the only answer, but it should be the absolute last resort. Don't even bring up the idea until everything else is exhausted. And I mean everything.

You're in my prayers. I wish you and your husband all the best.

[MichelleOBrien]

Wait... Let me get this straight...

You come here asking for help and advice, and then dismiss it simply because of your own prejudices? Why did you even come here for advice in the first place? It's obvious that you had your mind made up before we were ever involved.

Newsflash sweetie? it's obvious you don't love him as much as you thought you did, because love knows no bounds. PERIOD. Also, I am under the belief that you are simply crying out for attention. "never be with anyone else"? Please. You're too young. Also, you've contradicted yourself several times.

For instance, you said you're both bi. Would you stop him from having a fling with a guy? would he stop you from having a fling with a girl? If the answer to BOTH questions is no, then he wouldn't be asking the sexual favors he is. if the answer to both question is yes, it could be that he's trying to spice up your life in the bedroom.

But I have the gut feeling (and I'm not often wrong) that he would allow you to fulfill your sexual desires with another woman, but you would not reciprocate. In fact, it could be why he's taken such drastic measures as to ask you to do these things.

I realize I'm on a rant, but there's really only two options here to fix YOUR side of the problem. 1) stop being so closed minded and maybe open up to the possibility of a compromise or 2)leave him and destroy your happiness, his happiness and your baby's happiness.

You guys must not have been married long for this kind of drama...

[unhappywife]

ok some of you got mad because of the way i presented the information I just gave it to you as I got it. But i did take every ones advice and went to marriage counseling and guess what most of you said this just might be a whim and you were right. the therapist pointed out to my husband that he has an issues dealing with big events...mostly due to how he grew up. He admits the idea appealed to him but that he didnt really want it. and oddly enough this was all brought on by the birth of my daughter.

[leslie ann]

this post really wore me out i wish the best for both of you, but it sounds like alot of double standards going on, same sex sex is ok? but wearn panties is not????????:drink: clothing is clothing not a big deal! im not going to touch the rest of it other than to suggest a chill pill (maybe a few)and some time :drink:good luck

[Raquel June]

If people are mad it's because you're in complete denial. You refuse to address most of what people have said to you in this thread. Likewise, I'm sure you've refused to address the real issues in your life with your counselor.

Did you tell your counselor that your husband cheated on you with a man, or that you're bisexual and your father molested you?

Your counselor is grasping at straws because you're hiding things.

[Sarah Martin]

Unhappywife,

It's good that you are still talking and that you are getting counselling. It is still only a short period since the birth of your daughter and I suspect both of you have had some pressure put on your relationship because of this.

With your recent conversations with your partner, I think we'd all agree that the equilibrium between you has been disturbed and, hopefully, your counseller will be able to help both of you regain your emotional balance - from which you can both make informed and sensible decisions about your situation and the future.

I can't offer any sensible advice without knowing you more closely. Maybe you will divorce. Maybe you will find another set of agreed behaviour rules (maybe an open relationship?) that means you stay together & your daughter will have both parents around as she grows up. Perhaps you will regain the love you had a while back and reconcile your different views on life and your wishes for the future, and things will go back to the way they were. Maybe he is just having a 'pink fog brainstorm' or a mid-life crisis and will return to his 'old self' soon. Who knows?

Whatever happens can I please ask BOTH of you not to take any irreversible steps at this point. Maybe you should agree to give yourselves a few months to see where things go and time to work through your current issues?

You have a lot of sympathy from people here in the forum (as does your partner). We really do want to help! Please keep writing and let us all know how things go.

All the best to both of you.
Sarah

[AmandaM]

ok some of you got mad because of the way i presented the information I just gave it to you as I got it. But i did take every ones advice and went to marriage counseling and guess what most of you said this just might be a whim and you were right. the therapist pointed out to my husband that he has an issues dealing with big events...mostly due to how he grew up. He admits the idea appealed to him but that he didnt really want it. and oddly enough this was all brought on by the birth of my daughter.

Well, he doesn't really want it. Ok, that's a start. But, does he want to crossdress on occasion, etc.?