Now I Know I can never tell my wife

[Kelli Michelle]

Why do you have a problem with her reaction? Was she just supposed to ignore the person? If her reaction was completely opposite... if she were somehow attracted to this person... would you have said anything different???

Any crossdresser would have a problem or 99% of them, anyway. It wasn't that she reacted, it' was HOW she reacted. I don't believe it was attraction that that would be the opposite of what the SO was spouting. Stephanie was looking for acceptance , or at least tolerance.

How about if she finds out, BOTH of you will deal with it... Together!

IF Stephanie decides to tell, than yes, that would be the ideal way to go.

Do you know absolutely everything about your wife? What if there was something about your wife that you found out about, maybe even something she tells you, that changes your perception of who your wife really is? What if your wife was so afraid of telling you because she thought it would be a real marriage-killer for you, that you would walk out and leave her as soon as you could? Could you ever forgive your wife for not trusting you with her most intimate information?

First question would be no, no one knows absolutely everything. Quest. 2, that would have to be on a case by case basis. Support for doing something immoral or evil would probably not be forthcoming, for example. Questions 3 & 4, yes I believe that many cders would forgive ( we know how it is, remember?) if there was a very good reason not to share it (fear, societal pressure, hate, loss of family, friends, jobs).

Do not think for a second that we as crossdressers are the only ones walking around with a secret about ourselves! There are other people who carry secrets deep in their soul hoping that they are buried forever and no one will ever know...

Again, we as cders know all that too well.

If you do not want your wife to be 100% emotionally intimate with you, if you do not want your wife to share her heart and soul completely and without reservation, then you should definitely never, ever tell your wife about your crossdressing...

Robyn P.

Sorry, but I think that is just being mean-spirited. I also think that very few couples are 100% emotionally intimate with each other, especially couples that have a known transgender issue. My opinion is that cders would love to share all that with the wife or SO. But because of the reasons already laid out earlier, many feel they can't. They know they are missing out on that sharing, and it hurts.

[Amanduhrob]

Is it possible she already knows, and used the CD passing by as an excuse to let her true feelings about your dressing known?

All I can tell you from past experience, is you can purge, and purge, and purge, call it quits time after time, but the need always comes back, and so does the depression, stress and anxiety if you're not able to dress.

[Senban]

I said - "Get a different wife. I'm serious. A marriage where you have to live a lie rather than be accepted for who you are isn't a marriage."

Sometimes_Miss replied - "Get a different wife. Hahahahahahaha! If it were only that easy. Many marriages survive, even flourish despite the partners not knowing everything about each other. Indeed, very often they'd rather ignore the many things that they'd prefer not to know about. Think of all the lives that capitalist successes wind up crushing. Do you think wives of all the robber barons and their associates really want to know all the dirty deals that their husbands were involved in? NO. They want the comfortable, nice life, where they believe the guy is wonderful, successful, and treats everyone perfectly fairly. Many successful men marry younger women, who they suspect is fooling around while they go about making their fortunes each day at work. But they trade that for having that hot woman around when they want them, and ignore what goes on when they're not around. Pretty commonplace. There are all kinds of marriages, and most aren't based solely on love. "

FAIL

What you're talking about is a marriage of convenience or even a business relationship. A marriage or indeed any relationship between two people must have a foundation of trust and support. If you can't be yourself 100% with that person, the relationship may still have some kind of value in your life but it's a marriage in name only. Hence my comment about finding another wife. My point being of course that you should find a relationship that allows you to be yourself rather than settling for one that doesn't. Of course the flip side of that is that you have to trust and support your partner in return. If any of this is missing, move on and keep searching. Life's too short to drink bad wine

[Di]

Is it possible she already knows, and used the CD passing by as an excuse to let her true feelings about your dressing known?
.

Thats what I thought.....when I read your thread......why else would someone react that way..........I think she might have an inkling and this is her way of trying to keep you in check.

[RobynP]

Sorry, but I think that is just being mean-spirited. I also think that very few couples are 100% emotionally intimate with each other, especially couples that have a known transgender issue. My opinion is that cders would love to share all that with the wife or SO. But because of the reasons already laid out earlier, many feel they can't. They know they are missing out on that sharing, and it hurts.

Mean-spirited? How come we make a promise or make a commitment to enter into an intimate relationship where we expect (and often demand) 100% physical intimacy but we hold back on the emotional intimacy? When we say "I do!" are we really saying "I do except for my crossdressing which I am not going to share with you.."?

The fact that very few couples are 100% emotionally intimate with each other contributes to a 50%+ divorce rate in the US.

Of course, not sharing hurts. I understand completely! I hid my crossdressing from my wife (now ex) for many years. Even when I finally came out to her I still hid most of my crossdressing, not at her request, but because I was so used to hiding, I really didn't know how to do anything else. I did not know how to integrate my crossdressing into our relationship. The door to emotional intimacy was opened just a crack... But I never ripped the door off its hinges... (Actually, every time it swung open it would bonk me in my face...)

I know that many of us are very afraid of telling our wives because of a potential divorce, being outed, losing one's job, or a variety of other evil and nasty things. And, yes, those things have happened to crossdressers... But, in my opinion, many wives can accept their husband's crossdressing in some manner. However, most wives cannot handle the huge lack of trust by their husbands. Lack of trust often is the deal breaker...

Robyn P.

[Hope]

I know that many of us are very afraid of telling our wives because of a potential divorce, being outed, losing one's job, or a variety of other evil and nasty things. And, yes, those things have happened to crossdressers... But, in my opinion, many wives can accept their husband's crossdressing in some manner. However, most wives cannot handle the huge lack of trust by their husbands. Lack of trust often is the deal breaker...

I tend to think that there is very rarely any single, deal breaker.... certainly not something that can be pointed to as the deal breaker when a marriage fails.

I also think it is a bit unfair to place all of the blame on either party. Certainly a husband would do well to share his emotional life, including his CDing with his wife - but if a wife has created an environment in which a husband does not feel safe sharing the details of his life with her (as many wives do - ask around) a husband cannot be faulted for not exposing his most vulnerable areas for ridicule or worse.

It ALWAYS takes 2, to tango, to have a strong marriage, or to divorce.