Now I Know I can never tell my wife

[TSchapes]

It really depends on what those secrets are, now, doesn't it. See, there's a world of difference between being a closeted stamp collector and being a closeted seriel killer. Or, perhaps a woman who was thrilled for the past 30 years over the two carat diamond engagement ring you gave her, well, would she really benefit from knowing that you got it at a discount because the previous owner was murdered by her ex boyfriend the day she received it? Probably not. Some secrets are good, and people are quite happy never knowing about them as long as it doesn't affect the rest of their lives (much the same as tens of billions of women throughout history have been thrilled with their diamonds because they didn't have to face knowing how many people got killed in the process of mining and selling them). I tend to believe that part time crossdressing is most often one of those secrets; as long as it doesn't affect her life, she will be perfectly happy never knowing about it. When you're 90 years old and she finds your stash after you're dead, remember, she had perhaps 70 great happy years before that. As above, most people don't tell each other every single thing about their lives and each other, sometimes because we think it won't matter, and at other times because we think that it definately will.

Sometimes a small lie can have a huge effect, while a seemingly large lie has no effect at all. I think it's hard to know which is which. Also, how do you gauge what you do affects your SO? The time and money spent on crossdressing has a direct impact on your SO's lifestyle. It can bankrupt a family if not kept in check. The chances of being caught are pretty good too.

I just think the stress that a CD puts themselves under by keeping these secrets cannot be good for themselves or their loved ones.

Love, Tracy

[StephanieT]

Thank you all for your opinions. I probably did not give enough information in my initial post.

1. This was definately a CD. Short black skirt, Silk Blouse, 4 inch heels and carrying a purse like a guy would carry a sack.

2. Not only did she have a fit, she said this is just wrong. I have a real problem with this. I just replied that the CD was an interesting person.

If she finds out, I will deal with it. I usually get several days a week where we are apart. That is the time I dress and the only time I dress. The rest of the time I am in the closet. I actually have not dressed on over a month. I am consentrating on other parts of my life right now. When the time is right, I will dress again. As for telling my wife, NO WAY.

[Karen564]

BTW, my wife would never understand, so I'm not coming out of the closet to her. Maybe when this is over ...

Maybe when this is over

Hi Gina, when what's over??

[tammigurl]

Stephanie honey - the truth will win eventually. I have a number of CD friends who have not told their s/os. Most of them are living a double life under extraordinary stress. Find the right partner to share your whole life with.

luv Tammi

[StephanieT]

My wife and I enjoy a good life. There is just a part of me missing in our sharing. I am not willing to give up the good part of my relationship to expsose something she knows nothing about.

[MarinaTwelve200]

Maybe you can, subtly, use that as a chance to feel her out more. I would try to find out exactly what bothers her so much. She is likely uninformed, as are many. It's a huge burden , keeping this special and large part of us a secret from those we love. Anyway, best of luck to you!

I agree, You should have asked her (with a smile of course) what upset her about it. If she starts shouting some nonsense about gays, etc. (which is often the case) you should give her a bit of frendly ribbing or ridicule saying something on the order of, "I would have thought that at your age you would have known what a homosexual was by now" "A crossdresser is not the same thing, besides most CDs are hetro".

Tell her"A gay is a guy who is sexually attracted to other men. Whats that have to do with clothing?" and then laugh. I think you should make a point of embarrasing her about her lack of sexuallity knowledge--In a friendly way of course. It likely would encourage her to do some research on the subject matter so she wont be embarrased even more later on if she makes a mistatement in front of other people other than her friendly, understanding husband.

If and when your secret comes out later, she might have a different attitude about things by then.

[zeroled]

[QUOTE=mannph;1653445]...When a cross dresser was in the news (sports reporter who was caught), QUOTE]

It wasn't Marv, was it?

I'll share my bit. My (soon to be) exWife is Japanese. She was raised as a 1940s wife that gets yelled at/nagged by her mother when she doesn't do the dishes..the kind that cries when they didn't cook a tasty meal. I mean, there were meals waiting for me when I came home, and she worried herself (a homemaker) about what I had to do at work the next day. Being raised by 2 women (yes, lovers), I had a hard time adjusting her.
None the less, she DID NOT take well to "discovering" my accidental leavings.
She found the underwear. She found the (not-just-a-CD) toys. She gave me multiple chances to cease and desist(sp?). I tried too, as she is the mother of my child. No dice.
I put them on a plane back to Japan, and here I sit. I'm confident she knows that I'm into this, but we don't let my daughter know. She's only 6. I'd like to preserve her innocence/ignorance for as long as we can.
Kudos to those that move on in their clandestine existence. I'll warn you now, though:
A good wife will do one of 2 things at some point in time:
1) confront and accept
2) confront and reject
Either way, she'll find out.
Best of luck, people!

I agree, You should have asked her (with a smile of course) what upset her about it. If she starts shouting some nonsense about gays, etc. (which is often the case) you should give her a bit of frendly ribbing or ridicule saying something on the order of, "I would have thought that at your age you would have known what a homosexual was by now" "A crossdresser is not the same thing, besides most CDs are hetro".

Tell her"A gay is a guy who is sexually attracted to other men. Whats that have to do with clothing?" and then laugh. I think you should make a point of embarrasing her about her lack of sexuallity knowledge--In a friendly way of course. It likely would encourage her to do some research on the subject matter so she wont be embarrased even more later on if she makes a mistatement in front of other people other than her friendly, understanding husband.

If and when your secret comes out later, she might have a different attitude about things by then.

Nice tactic, Marina. I, however, have a different opinion of 'gay'.
I think homosexuality is two people of the "same gender" that LOVE each other. Its not just sex.
But you're right on par with the "lack of sexual knowledge vs. sexual pleasure (CD)". Awesome insight!

[sometimes_miss]

Schapes wrote:

1656535]I just think the stress that a CD puts themselves under by keeping these secrets cannot be good for themselves or their loved ones. Love, Tracy

I agree. But we have to weigh it out over the stress of our winding up perpetually all alone (which really is quite stressful, the lack of affection over time can result in physical as well as psychological illness), and for those who are married, the tremendous effect it will have on the lives of their wife and family should they 'come out'. But we don't live in a perfect world, so there rarely is a perfect solution ( complete acceptance by our wife, family, co workers, and society) for us.

[Bernadina]

Thank you all for your opinions. I probably did not give enough information in my initial post.

1. This was definately a CD. Short black skirt, Silk Blouse, 4 inch heels and carrying a purse like a guy would carry a sack.

2. Not only did she have a fit, she said this is just wrong. I have a real problem with this. I just replied that the CD was an interesting person.

snip..

You are sure she wasn't just pissed of by the way she miscarried her purse?

[MartineXdrs2]

A good wife will do one of 2 things at some point in time:
1) confront and accept
2) confront and reject
Either way, she'll find out.

You left out confront, reject, ignore don't talk to me about it...

[RobynP]

2. Not only did she have a fit, she said this is just wrong. I have a real problem with this. I just replied that the CD was an interesting person.

Why do you have a problem with her reaction? Was she just supposed to ignore the person? If her reaction was completely opposite... if she were somehow attracted to this person... would you have said anything different???

If she finds out, I will deal with it.

How about if she finds out, BOTH of you will deal with it... Together!

As for telling my wife, NO WAY.

Do you know absolutely everything about your wife? What if there was something about your wife that you found out about, maybe even something she tells you, that changes your perception of who your wife really is? What if your wife was so afraid of telling you because she thought it would be a real marriage-killer for you, that you would walk out and leave her as soon as you could? Could you ever forgive your wife for not trusting you with her most intimate information?

Do not think for a second that we as crossdressers are the only ones walking around with a secret about ourselves! There are other people who carry secrets deep in their soul hoping that they are buried forever and no one will ever know...

If you do not want your wife to be 100% emotionally intimate with you, if you do not want your wife to share her heart and soul completely and without reservation, then you should definitely never, ever tell your wife about your crossdressing...

Robyn P.

[Satrana]

Do not think for a second that we as crossdressers are the only ones walking around with a secret about ourselves!

Yes 99% of people carry important secrets they decide are better never revealed. Secrets and lies are an essential part of maintaining relationships. Sounds crazy but it is true. Did you know people tell on average 30-40 lies every day. Anyone who says they never lie is well.....a liar.

Conclusion - our morality code says we should be totally honest but everyone believes they are personally exempt. And thank goodness they do, living in a world ot total honesty would be a nightmare.

[Kelli Michelle]

Why do you have a problem with her reaction? Was she just supposed to ignore the person? If her reaction was completely opposite... if she were somehow attracted to this person... would you have said anything different???

Any crossdresser would have a problem or 99% of them, anyway. It wasn't that she reacted, it' was HOW she reacted. I don't believe it was attraction that that would be the opposite of what the SO was spouting. Stephanie was looking for acceptance , or at least tolerance.

How about if she finds out, BOTH of you will deal with it... Together!

IF Stephanie decides to tell, than yes, that would be the ideal way to go.

Do you know absolutely everything about your wife? What if there was something about your wife that you found out about, maybe even something she tells you, that changes your perception of who your wife really is? What if your wife was so afraid of telling you because she thought it would be a real marriage-killer for you, that you would walk out and leave her as soon as you could? Could you ever forgive your wife for not trusting you with her most intimate information?

First question would be no, no one knows absolutely everything. Quest. 2, that would have to be on a case by case basis. Support for doing something immoral or evil would probably not be forthcoming, for example. Questions 3 & 4, yes I believe that many cders would forgive ( we know how it is, remember?) if there was a very good reason not to share it (fear, societal pressure, hate, loss of family, friends, jobs).

Do not think for a second that we as crossdressers are the only ones walking around with a secret about ourselves! There are other people who carry secrets deep in their soul hoping that they are buried forever and no one will ever know...

Again, we as cders know all that too well.

If you do not want your wife to be 100% emotionally intimate with you, if you do not want your wife to share her heart and soul completely and without reservation, then you should definitely never, ever tell your wife about your crossdressing...

Robyn P.

Sorry, but I think that is just being mean-spirited. I also think that very few couples are 100% emotionally intimate with each other, especially couples that have a known transgender issue. My opinion is that cders would love to share all that with the wife or SO. But because of the reasons already laid out earlier, many feel they can't. They know they are missing out on that sharing, and it hurts.

[Amanduhrob]

Is it possible she already knows, and used the CD passing by as an excuse to let her true feelings about your dressing known?

All I can tell you from past experience, is you can purge, and purge, and purge, call it quits time after time, but the need always comes back, and so does the depression, stress and anxiety if you're not able to dress.

[Senban]

I said - "Get a different wife. I'm serious. A marriage where you have to live a lie rather than be accepted for who you are isn't a marriage."

Sometimes_Miss replied - "Get a different wife. Hahahahahahaha! If it were only that easy. Many marriages survive, even flourish despite the partners not knowing everything about each other. Indeed, very often they'd rather ignore the many things that they'd prefer not to know about. Think of all the lives that capitalist successes wind up crushing. Do you think wives of all the robber barons and their associates really want to know all the dirty deals that their husbands were involved in? NO. They want the comfortable, nice life, where they believe the guy is wonderful, successful, and treats everyone perfectly fairly. Many successful men marry younger women, who they suspect is fooling around while they go about making their fortunes each day at work. But they trade that for having that hot woman around when they want them, and ignore what goes on when they're not around. Pretty commonplace. There are all kinds of marriages, and most aren't based solely on love. "

FAIL

What you're talking about is a marriage of convenience or even a business relationship. A marriage or indeed any relationship between two people must have a foundation of trust and support. If you can't be yourself 100% with that person, the relationship may still have some kind of value in your life but it's a marriage in name only. Hence my comment about finding another wife. My point being of course that you should find a relationship that allows you to be yourself rather than settling for one that doesn't. Of course the flip side of that is that you have to trust and support your partner in return. If any of this is missing, move on and keep searching. Life's too short to drink bad wine

[KarenS]

i have the same problem. When a cross dresser was in the news (sports reporter who was caught), she told me that "those people are really sick."

No coming out for me.

My wife used to make comments if she 'clocked' someone in a poor presentation. She doen't seem to say much anymore.

But if they are, then well, I guess I'm sick too. But I'm addicted to the medicine.

My wife and I don't talk about it much. She has seen me dressed in lingerie but never with a more complete presentation.

I think it is simply a 'don't bother me with that and you can do what you want' kind of thing. I do think that if she were comepletly honest, she would like to know more. Slowly, I'm revealing more and being suggestive of her learning more.

Well it is not a big surprise is it? Many folks are prejudiced against TG, especially those TG who do not try to blend in - there is a clash of gender that unsettles people.

I suspect with some, they might be more tolerant if there were more of an effort to present themselves appropriately in the gender of their choice rather than poorly in between. I have heard GGs complain about men who try to present themselves in more of a skank or '****' kind of way and how disrespectful it is to the gender. I think a half hearted attempt at a presentation could be perceived just as disrespectful.

When we are in public, our presentation as one gender or the other is no longer simply a personal preference. In public, it also becomes a persona to be compared to societal norms - the status quo - by the general population. We all make comparisons (and even judgements) routinely and in-so-doing determine our comfort level with a given situation based on our past experiences. If we try to 'pass', we would likely be more accepted than only making an obvious half way attempt.

As for a SO observing a situation; the more knowledge they can gain and positive experiences they have, the more accepting they will likely become. Even a closed minded individual will eventually soften and accept.

[BekiJ]

My wife and I enjoy a good life. There is just a part of me missing in our sharing. I am not willing to give up the good part of my relationship to expsose something she knows nothing about.

I agree with ya Steph. I perceive my wife to have a similar attitude. I am not willing to risk 35 years over something that has built up slowly over those years. I don't pretend to know what is best, but I do know what is working.

Those not in this situation (now or in the past) do not have any idea what it really is like. The truth is great, but there will be consequences, and most likely in my case, not for the better.

And as I have said before, this is my secret/burden (yes, it is a burden), and my wife does not need that added burden (keeping the secret).

Yes, the truth will set you free, possibly by divorce.

Hugs
BekiJ

[Sherry-Stephanie]

LOL..I was thinking that it's been about a year since I started dressing...and I did it just the opposite..went to the wife first with the "idea" and then started dressing...it was with the "I want to do it as realistic as I can and see where it takes me..." LOL If we only knew then what we know now???? Wonder if we'd gone for thye idea....the idea has gone from just that./...being an "idea" to a 24/7 way of life to a limited degree....painted toenails and total body shaving every few days and constant checking this and that the preening I guess and always looking at things both from the male side and the female side...But over all it's been good with no regrets on my part...her???? Sometimes she says she's not interested in having a woman rather than a husband...but that's jsut when she's in one of her moods....

[RobynP]

Sorry, but I think that is just being mean-spirited. I also think that very few couples are 100% emotionally intimate with each other, especially couples that have a known transgender issue. My opinion is that cders would love to share all that with the wife or SO. But because of the reasons already laid out earlier, many feel they can't. They know they are missing out on that sharing, and it hurts.

Mean-spirited? How come we make a promise or make a commitment to enter into an intimate relationship where we expect (and often demand) 100% physical intimacy but we hold back on the emotional intimacy? When we say "I do!" are we really saying "I do except for my crossdressing which I am not going to share with you.."?

The fact that very few couples are 100% emotionally intimate with each other contributes to a 50%+ divorce rate in the US.

Of course, not sharing hurts. I understand completely! I hid my crossdressing from my wife (now ex) for many years. Even when I finally came out to her I still hid most of my crossdressing, not at her request, but because I was so used to hiding, I really didn't know how to do anything else. I did not know how to integrate my crossdressing into our relationship. The door to emotional intimacy was opened just a crack... But I never ripped the door off its hinges... (Actually, every time it swung open it would bonk me in my face...)

I know that many of us are very afraid of telling our wives because of a potential divorce, being outed, losing one's job, or a variety of other evil and nasty things. And, yes, those things have happened to crossdressers... But, in my opinion, many wives can accept their husband's crossdressing in some manner. However, most wives cannot handle the huge lack of trust by their husbands. Lack of trust often is the deal breaker...

Robyn P.

[Melinda G]

A few weeks ago, My wife and I were in the parking lot of a local grocery store. A CD walked past our car and my wife about had a fit. This CD did not even try to pass which is ok with me. She was very obvious with no wig, long hair and balding head with no make-up except lipstick. My wife asked me where we were and said she would expect this in San Francisco but not in a small town. My wife then said she had a real problem with this CD. I guess I will be in the closet with my wife forever.

Consider yourself lucky. Most CDs don't get that kind of early warning, as to what their wives reaction will be. Pursue the subject at your peril!

[Di]

Is it possible she already knows, and used the CD passing by as an excuse to let her true feelings about your dressing known?
.

Thats what I thought.....when I read your thread......why else would someone react that way..........I think she might have an inkling and this is her way of trying to keep you in check.

[kellyanne]

I dated the most liberal woman in the world in my 20s & 30s - a proud supporter of transgender and gay acceptance 100 % ... except of course if it was her boyfriend.

I have met women who tolerate transvestism as a means to an end but none who accept it.

I have chosen to remain single to avoid such issues.

[Hope]

I know that many of us are very afraid of telling our wives because of a potential divorce, being outed, losing one's job, or a variety of other evil and nasty things. And, yes, those things have happened to crossdressers... But, in my opinion, many wives can accept their husband's crossdressing in some manner. However, most wives cannot handle the huge lack of trust by their husbands. Lack of trust often is the deal breaker...

I tend to think that there is very rarely any single, deal breaker.... certainly not something that can be pointed to as the deal breaker when a marriage fails.

I also think it is a bit unfair to place all of the blame on either party. Certainly a husband would do well to share his emotional life, including his CDing with his wife - but if a wife has created an environment in which a husband does not feel safe sharing the details of his life with her (as many wives do - ask around) a husband cannot be faulted for not exposing his most vulnerable areas for ridicule or worse.

It ALWAYS takes 2, to tango, to have a strong marriage, or to divorce.

[Satrana]

I dated the most liberal woman in the world in my 20s & 30s - a proud supporter of transgender and gay acceptance 100 % ... except of course if it was her boyfriend.

I have met women who tolerate transvestism as a means to an end but none who accept it.

It is called the good girl effect. Women are raised with the notion that females should always go out of their way to support and understand others, especially those who really need or deserve help. The more deprived or disadvantaged the persons, the more brownie points are gained in supporting them. This translates into higher social status amongst women.

However in private matters women are still subject to believing in and desiring the idealized, sexist package of the masculine man as the optimal partner, while effeminate males are considered substandard and undesirable.

Normally this discrepancy does not reveal itself as most men try to follow the guidelines of masculinity to make themselves attractive to women. CDs are the exception and by breaking the rules we reveal the motivation behind the good girl effect.

[Sheila]

However in private matters women are still subject to believing in and desiring the idealized, sexist package of the masculine man as the optimal partner, while effeminate males are considered substandard and undesirable.

How sexist is that statement :Angry3::Angry3::Angry3::Angry3: