still "my guy" underneath. Is it really?

[ReineD]

I never really have been the guy she thinks she knows, either. It does not matter how I am dressed.
...
But that has been a belief that she has clung onto, of her own making.
...
I really have disliked this belief she has, because it does not accept the complete / whole me.
...
It is not just about the cloths for me. But thinking it is is easier for her.

Wow. I understand what you are saying. You are not the guy your wife takes you to be and this must be frustrating. You know who you are since you've been living inside your skin all your life, but your wife has only two reference points: male or female. See my response below to NDBT ... maybe in the not too distant future, it will be easier for TGs to be able to tell their prospective wives that they feel uncomfortable always being in the male gender role. Then the GGs can decide if this is what they want.

If that is the case, isn't it unfair to the GG that she doesn't know the real person? She can't change who she is anymore than you can and she needs to be put straight and corrected. Does that make sense?

Yes it does make sense. Hopefully the more forums we have like this one, the more TGs will get to know themselves early. They will be able to share this with prospective partners (not just about wearing the clothes, but more importantly how they see their gender roles). And again hopefully as the result of having more openness all around with TGs coming out of their closets, there will be more realistic expectations and there will be more and more GGs who will not expect TGs to behave according to an image they have of what a man should be.

Or, maybe there will be just as many GGs who cannot be in relationships with effeminate GMs, but at least they will know in the beginning and they will have the option to move on.

But keep in mind, NDBT that every TG is at a different place along the continuum and your partner's image of himself as a male may match yours!

Do I treat him as I always do when we go out while his is in drab or do I have to act differently? Am I insulting him by treating him as I normally would? Thanks for your reply.

I would treat him exactly the same as it pertains to the things you talk about, the way you joke around, the decisions you make together, showing affection, the way you relate to one another privately, etc. The only difference I can think of would be to call him by his femme name if he has one. Although he might not expect you to open doors for him at all, it might be nice if you would once in awhile. Also he will likely appreciate compliments about his look much more so than in guy mode.

[SIZE="3"]
Standing up for who you are, whether you pass, whether you are gay, whether you are in dress or whatever the circumstances is what helps earn your rights as a person and helps establish and/or keep those rights for others.[/SIZE]

I agree DD it would be ideal if everyone could do this fully as you describe, but not everyone is at the same point. Standing up for one CD may simply be to garner enough courage to tell her wife. For another, it may be gaining enough confidence to go out to a TG support group for the first time. For someone else it may be going out in the mainstream and not saying a word to eventually be able to speak to lots of people, thus losing their fear of being 'found out' and letting them know they are TG. Still, this is one on one and somewhat safe.

But to hold hands with a GG in public will gather lots of attention. And it is likely the GG will not want to do this either, at least not in the beginning of the relationship. It may take years for them to be able to get to that point.

If each person can pledge to stretch themselves according to where they're at, they are doing their part IMO but lots of baby steps must be taken before being completely free and out to everyone (if that is the goal). Some CDs assess their co-workers, families, some friends, etc and determine it would be difficult for them to live with one day being femme and another day in guy mode.

I do agree TSs have an advantage there though. Living with 24/7 certainly makes it easier to stand up and be counted. Still, some TSs have lost a great many relationships and it is very lonely and painful.