Gone down an unexpected path?

[Super Amanda]

Five years ago, I thought I would never, ever, ever be taking hormones and making my final arrangements before going full time.

Back then I was about to get married to my pregnant girlfriend, thinking I was "fixed".

Without adding in all of my personal details, let me just say that I'm from the school of thought that many crossdressers will become more if allowed. I believe this mainly because I see so many threads here on the cding side that are nearly exactly how I used to feel.

I think one major difference between those who keep going further and those that have no desire to progress beyond where ever their comfort level has taken them, is the dysphoria.

Back when I "knew" I was a crossdresser, I was never fully satisfied. When I would get to where I thought I would be satisfied, there would always be something else...like suddenly a wig was not good enough, I needed my own hair to feel satisfied. Over time I have grown to hate my facial hair shadow with a passion, when as short as 2 years ago, I thought a close shave would always be good enough. Now it's to the point where the idea of shaving my face at all makes my stomach knot up....I want it gone! I would get so depressed by my man features that it became hard to function in daily life. I would mentally obsess over the situation.

There are plenty more examples from just myself, but what I'm trying to get at is once I really got down to it, the simple fact that never being satisfied with simply "dressing", and feeling the need so strongly to actually have the hair, and the soft skin and yes, real breasts told me that no matter how much I fooled myself, I needed to become as close physically as possible to a woman. That's when I shifted my attention towards trans women to see how their lives were, and how they got to where they were, and there were so many common elements between me and them that it became perfectly clear to me. Up until this time of revelation, I actually was scared to even think I may me a *gasp!* trannie! Like on Springer!?!?!? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! But with more research, I saw many well adjusted, beautiful and VERY happy women, living my dream.

Now as far as sexuality is concerned, for me I've always been only sexually attracted to women, I like to think I will allow myself to fall in love with any person, I still need to have a physical attraction..I know, I'm a bi*tch! Maybe one day a man will sweep me off my feet, but he would have to be VERY strong!!! Lol! But honestly I don't think that this can change much for people. For those that say the are only attracted to men while dressed, I laugh, because I'm sorry, but if you are attracted to men and women sexually at all, you are bi. Period. Does not matter what you wrap it in.


I know I'm a wind bag, sorry If this ramble helps no body at all.