Telling the SO, Bad Reaction, Giving up CD'ing

[Lorileah]

we do not remember days, we remember moments. Cesar somebody said that (and I don't want to go to google forget what I was going to say...yadayada). And the moment get sweeter because we tend to suppress the bad times (look at all the good old days stories).

Georgi, time will smooth it out and apparently your spouse has decided that a little you is better than none at all. Who knows maybe she will start taking larger bites.

Your story of this not being a big thing 30 years ago rings true for most here I am sure. Almost every one has said "I got this" and they carry it around. My memory of 35 years ago was that the fashions were androgynous, I was skinny so they fit and life was wonderful. Long hair, jewelry, fitted clothing made of smooth shiny fabrics. It was CD heaven without having to be CD. That and the whole acceptance (ay least in my circle) of alternative lifestyles was high. Then came the 80's and men started wearing....uuuuugh...ugly loose unkempt wrinkled clothing (so did I ...fashion **** I am) then the fashions got worse but I still held onto the short shorts and nylon underwear and other things. My wife knew what I liked to wear so there really wasn't any official coming out. We had silently agreed while dating and early marriage. This morphed into more female specific clothing as the male copy went away and it was a smooth transition.

Point is that it isn't your wife who fought this for 30 years and I believe you even said you fought it. How would it have been if you had subtly done this instead of the big "Surprise!" letter. As you pointed out I am one to tell. Any person I will be involved with from now on will know early. And it can be a big bomb early because the investment isn't high. Hind sight and all, this may have worked better for you to ease in. There is a person here on these boards I am trying to convince that slow and steady is often the answer over plowing ahead. At least you are the icon for that right now. Would you suggest that someone in your position A) not tell at all? B) come clean in one major coup or C) take it slower?

There are hundreds of posts all over the place now and the "older" CD has more information from all our suggestions and mistakes. There isn't a one size answer (except you really need to tell as soon as possible for both sakes) but when is ASAP?
\
I certainly hope things work out for you and it seems that as of right now she is willing to slowly return. It will never be the same. I hope it will be better than before with you being able to talk about every thing.

As to another post here. Yes you need "you " time and she needs "her" time and you don't have to discuss everything especially little things that you do during "your" time. But dressing is a BIG thing. And unless you both have decided it is something you both will gloss over, you should tell IMHO especially if you are out and in public. It would be far worse for her to hear about your "hobby" from someone else. That really ramps up the "it is a lie" part.

[Georgi]

At least you are the icon for that right now. Would you suggest that someone in your position A) not tell at all? B) come clean in one major coup or C) take it slower?

As a number of people have said, this depends so much on the individual, no one size fits all. The 'tell her, tell her, the truth shall set you free' chant is hypnotic, and can potentially blind one to realities of human imperfection.

I personally don't see how one can 'take it slow'. You're either a cross-dresser or you're not. You can't tell your SO you're a little bit of a cross-dresser (or can you?), without potentially lying more right then and there. Kind of a catch 22.

I guess I'm no longer very well qualified to talk about the 'Not Tell' path. During the first ten minutes my wife did say 'Some things are better left untold' or something similar, so don't ask don't tell might be the best answer for some. Again, your mileage will vary.

I do think the printed letter was a bit of a bungle on my part. I should have used note cards with points in order that I wanted to express. If I had done that, I could have steered the conversation early in one direction or another, perhaps saving a major part of the revelations for another time without actually lying, thereby softening that first day's impact on my wife. But then again, that might have just stretched out the inevitable. Who knows?

But dressing is a BIG thing. And unless you both have decided it is something you both will gloss over, you should tell IMHO especially if you are out and in public. It would be far worse for her to hear about your "hobby" from someone else. That really ramps up the "it is a lie" part.

As I've mentioned several times before, and several people keep insisting I'm in denial over, cd'ing is more of a fetish to me than a lifestyle. It really is a take it or leave it choice as far as I'm concerned. Time will tell if I'm kidding myself, of course, but I have no cd life going at all right now, and have no plans to restart any at all. I've quit for fairly long stretches before (including decades before this last 'breakout') when only my own wishes were involved, now there's so much more at stake.

I've made a promise to my wife that the cd'ing has stopped, that she's more important to me that the cd'ing, and she is. Now we'll hopefully get into joint therapy and talk about cd'ing and maybe her attitudes toward it will change, and maybe I'll come back to it and maybe I won't. Time will tell.

Thanks,
Georgi

[Sarah_GG]

I personally don't see how one can 'take it slow'. You're either a cross-dresser or you're not. You can't tell your SO you're a little bit of a cross-dresser (or can you?), without potentially lying more right then and there. Kind of a catch 22.

Absolutely right. I don't agree with the 'drip feed' or 'baby steps' approach. Yes, let her take her time in taking on board the information but answer every question that she does have truthfully. Sorry if I'm sounding like a broken record but have you guided your wife towards this site for support? (I forget when i've said it and to whom!) Most of the GGs on this forum are supportive now, even if they weren't at the beginning. We do understand the issues that your wife is facing. Ignorance creates fear.

I've made a promise to my wife that the cd'ing has stopped, that she's more important to me that the cd'ing, and she is. Now we'll hopefully get into joint therapy and talk about cd'ing and maybe her attitudes toward it will change, and maybe I'll come back to it and maybe I won't. Time will tell.

You can't stop the CDing any more than your wife can change the colour of her eyes. It isn't possible. It's part of who you are. You can, however, agree tol put things on hold until she's caught up with it.

For anyone suddenly finding out about CDing, it is a bit of a shock. After a while, things become less shocking and more 'normal'. You start to understand what it's all about. Then you start to ask questions. As the wife of a CDer you need to understand how this fits in with your man. It won't happen over night.

But, your point that telling isn't for everyone is true. And I'm sorry if you have any regrets about telling. You are going through a very difficult time now but you're not hiding anymore. Who knows, in six months or a year you might come back and tell us all what a great time you're having. i hope so.

[Miss Misery]

Who knows, in six months or a year you might come back and tell us all what a great time you're having. i hope so.

So would Giorgi then be an example of the virtues of telling? He might still beg to differ on that account.

[AKAMichelle]

As a number of people have said, this depends so much on the individual, no one size fits all. The 'tell her, tell her, the truth shall set you free' chant is hypnotic, and can potentially blind one to realities of human imperfection.

I personally don't see how one can 'take it slow'. You're either a cross-dresser or you're not. You can't tell your SO you're a little bit of a cross-dresser (or can you?), without potentially lying more right then and there. Kind of a catch 22.

I guess I'm no longer very well qualified to talk about the 'Not Tell' path. During the first ten minutes my wife did say 'Some things are better left untold' or something similar, so don't ask don't tell might be the best answer for some. Again, your mileage will vary.

I do think the printed letter was a bit of a bungle on my part. I should have used note cards with points in order that I wanted to express. If I had done that, I could have steered the conversation early in one direction or another, perhaps saving a major part of the revelations for another time without actually lying, thereby softening that first day's impact on my wife. But then again, that might have just stretched out the inevitable. Who knows?

We all make mistakes in our lives. Sometimes what feels like failure can lead us to success. I as one of the tell your spouse crowd who does understand how your judgment can be clouded at a critical time. Telling your spouse is never easy and unfortunately we don't have an "Easy" button or one of those trix extra moments. I told my wife and the conversation limited itself and it took some time before she learned all of it. I told her for a different reason than most. My marriage was on crutches and I hoped it would start a dialogue which could lead to mending a broken marriage. All that I suceeded in doing was hastening the end.

I would rather tell everything to the spouse and dealt with the consequences than continue living a lie. A lie is a lie. I think every marriage should be founded in trust and honesty and anything that violates either of those 2 things is a problem. You can't turn off cd'ing, but lets hope you will be the first. But I personally believe once a cd'er always a cd'er. You just may not crossdress very often but it is a part of you. To deny that part is impossible. You can put it on the shelf if you want but you must at least accept yourself to understand who you are and find ways of dealing with it.

[Christy_M]

I am firmly in the camp that the decision to tell or not to tell depends on your own situation. There isn't a one size fits all answer to this. I never told my 2nd wife and she never found out. I told my first wife early but our relationship was doomed for other reasons and ended after ten yaers. My current wife found out five years ago and asked me to promise to either give up dressing or her. I chose trying to give up dressing.

This decision made me a worse person. More irriatable, less engaged in family activities, short fused, depressed, etc. I kew my wife and I were headed for divorce regardless of telling her I couldn't stay the course with not dressing. The decision was more that if the marriage was going to end, it would end on my terms and not hers. The conversation was not pleasant but the time since telling her has gone well. She doesn't want anything to do with my dressing including hearing about it. She doesn't want to lose her husband which is a good sign but she also doesn't feel she is being true to herself if she acepts this part of her husband. She is now as torn as I have been most of my life.

Your situation (OP) is unique like everyone else's situation. IMO, anyone else looking to this string for advice on whether to tell or not to tell should consider many other factors before acting on information here. How much do you love your SO? How long have you been together? Has there ever been an indication the relationship would end for this or any other reason? Are you trying to preserve your relationship or add the final straw to something already on its way out? There are so many other things to consider.

We are all individuals with similar stories and experiences. That is the extent of it, just similar. There isn't one other person on this forum that has had an identical life experience to anyone else. what is best for you depends on you. Using the advice here as your sole source of information before acting would do you and your SO a huge disservice.

I have gained so much perspective from this forum over the past couple months. I feel I am a better person becasue of it. I have also developed my own opinions about the people who post on this site. There are plenty of people who are so interested in making people feel good about themselves and wanting to support them and give them guidance and share valueable insights. These people have been a godsend for me and I am sure many others. There are also people on this forum who have had a very rough life and IMO try to bring other people into their own misery. It might make them feel better about themselves to know others are just as miserable. I am not a therapist so that is only my opinion.

Knowing that these two opposing perspectives are out there, you should take the information you read with a grain of salt, look at how it would play out in your own life and then decide which path is best for you. Being accepted for who we are is such an important aspect of this site. Being manipulated into doing something out of character will be something you regret for a long time.


...I'm just sayin' is all...and now I turn the soap box over to someone else - who's next?

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

I personally don't see how one can 'take it slow'. You're either a cross-dresser or you're not. You can't tell your SO you're a little bit of a cross-dresser (or can you?), without potentially lying more right then and there. Kind of a catch 22.

You can tell your S/O anything you want....... so long as its the truth. Not a white lie. Not an ommision. Just the plain and simple truth. This obviously doesn't work as a one size fits all method of living with an S/O, but it HAS worked quite well for me these past 8 years.

Oh... and it works best if you tell her before you start out on the dating process

You'd be surprised just how far the honesty can go.

*hugs*

Zarabeth

[Patty B.]

I could not forsee the consequences of telling my wife of my cd'ing and considering where we seem to be heading, maybe I should have not told, because now she's outed me to family and this will quickly become common knowledge at work and in the general area. This also poses problems if I become a big distraction on the job I may lose my job, I know I'll be able to find other employment, but the health ins. I carry or may not have is huge. My wife has numerous health issues, and with out health insurance has the potential to be devastating. I certainly regret not telling my wife years ago, even before marriage, unfortunately in 1980 there wasn't anything like this available to me, or at least I did not know how to access what was out there. But I made my choice and I'll deal with the consequences, but I still feel a marriage can not be based on lies, honesty is the best policy. So its best to be honest with your spouse.