That's the problem with pink fog. When they're caught up in it, they really don't know.
My SO and I once spent an evening with a CDer who was having similar problems. This CDer was just coming out to his wife (aka the coming out of the second closet, see below), and he met us for dinner dressed. I think his wife was out of town. She knew, but she hated it. They were in the process of negotiating: He wanted to dress at least once per week, and she didn't want more than once per month. Anyway, he told us the same thing as your husband, that he wasn't able to "promise" his wife that he would never want to transition, since he couldn't tell the future.
My SO and I discussed this when we were alone and we both came to the same conclusion: this CDer simply was at the "pressure cooker lid popping off" stage (my SO also went through a similar phase when he came out of his first closet, and likely when he came out of his third closet too, although I'm not sure). At any rate, the allure of having feminine experiences which some CDers mistake for "possibly" wanting to transition, is just that ... a very strong allure based on an idealized view of what it must be like to be a woman, that does die down once they do go out and do regular things out in the mainstream. But, they don't know this until they actually do go out and it becomes old hat.
As to the coming out of closets for crossdressers, (it is different for TSs) I've observed several stages (generally speaking):
- The first closet wall tumbles down when there is self-acceptance, when there is a realization the CDing will not go away so there is no use continuing with the purging cycles.
- The second closet wall goes away when a CDer comes out to a spouse or a girlfriend.
- The third closet wall disappears when a CDer begins to go out in the mainstream, yet still very much stays in the background and doesn't talk to anyone for fear of being read..
- The fourth and final closet wall is demolished when a CDer gains enough confidence to actually talk to people and just be herself, such as ordering food, chit-chatting with SAs, etc, and realizing these people will not run away screaming when they notice the CDer is not a GG.
My SO has torn down all his closets now and he knows he will not transition, although this wasn't always the case (see below). She goes out in the next town over once or twice per week and brings a laptop to do work at coffee shops, or has lunch, or we go out for dinner or a movie, or shopping. The rest of the time he's in guy mode. When he's very busy at work, sometimes there will be weeks of no dressing, and when he's on a break he might dress 2-3 times per week. My So passes and blends well (people who pass her by on the street do not notice that she is a genetic male), but they do know when they interact directly with her. There are very few CDers who can pass as GGs under close scrutiny. But this is OK since the vast majority of strangers really don't care and they do treat us with respect. We've been going out for 4-5 years now.
At any rate, I've also observed that the pink fog (a euphoric feeling that can last days or weeks or maybe longer for some CDers), seems to hit pretty strongly each time a new closet wall is demolished. But then it does settles down. Generally speaking.
This, I believe, is when a CDer might not be able to know whether he is TS or not. My SO also went through phases seriously questioning whether or not she might be TS. I dare say that many CDers go through this. The mistake is in divorcing during these phases, since eventually things will fall back in place again, and then there will be regret over having lost a relationship over it. I've seen this happen too.
Originally Posted by ReineD
