This is why I find DADT so frustrating...(a GG perspective)

[Leslie Langford]

DoorMat, since my original post on DADT triggered your emotional response to this touchy subject, I feel compelled to address a few additional comments to you personally in order to clarify further how I stand on this, and how your situation differs from mine. And yes, I hate that name you call yourself as well - it denotes victim-hood, and you are better than that.

First of all, IMHO, you are not in a DADT relationship - at least not in the way that I would define it. Yes, your husband is a crossdresser and wants to be free to explore this side of himself, but he is going way beyond DADT. He doesn't just want you to acknowledge and accept him as he is and be free to pursue his "hobby" without interference - he wants you to actively participate in it, and this goes against every fundamental instinct that drives you.

He wants you to be - as sex columnist Dan Savage defines it - GGG, or "good, giving, and game," which, as Dan sees it, "is what we should all strive to be for our sex partners. Think 'good in bed,' 'giving equal time and equal pleasure,' and 'game for anything—within reason." Fair enough in principle, but it also implies that the partner is willing to embrace and indulge his/her spouse's or SO's own particular quirks and fetishes (assuming that these exist) without judgement because - wait for it...they actually love them and are committed to making them happy, even if that requires some compromise. Does your husband do this for you?

DoorMat, you have expressed a revulsion to your husband's desire to present as a woman for reasons that are well known to those of us who have non-accepting wives or SO's, and we can't fault you for that. You are a product (victim?) of your upbringing and socialization, and not everyone is an artistic, unconventional, non-judgemental free spirit who actually embraces and can have fun with the type of "uniqueness" that we crossdressers represent.

Like you, my wife feels that she married a "man", does not want to meet "Leslie", see a picture of "her", or even see "her" clothes or any other tangible evidence of "her" existence. And again, like you, she feels that if she ever saw her husband in full "Leslie" mode, it would indelibly sear so powerful and highly negative an image of him in her brain that it would haunt her forever and irreparably damage the relationship. The other part to this is that she also vehemently asserts that she is not a lesbian, and therefore cannot be expected to embrace a relationship that would appear to push her in that direction.

I accept that, DoorMat, just as you have every right to feel the way you do about this whole crossdressing thing insofar as it involves your husband. And quite rightly, you did not sign up for this, nor did my wife, or the wives of many others here. But then again, I didn't choose to be transgendered; transgenderism chose me.

Guilty as charged when it is said that I should have informed my wife about this before we got married so that she could have made an informed choice as to whether or not to flee or stay in the relationship. And yes, if I had to do it over again, I would definitely have told her about this side of me. My only defense here is that I was still very young when we were married (23 years old), I was not yet a fully formed adult, and at that time, didn't know myself as well as I do now. There was precious little information about crossdressing out there back then (1970's), it certainly wasn't something that you could talk to anyone about, and I truly believed that this was simply a phase and that marriage and a regular sex life would "cure" me. Clearly I was wrong. I suspect that the same is true of your husband, as it is for many others here.

But in all fairness, my wife has to share some of the blame for this in terms of being an "enabler" and staying in the relationship despite her avowed aversion to my crossdressing. After all, she had many opportunities to leave me over the years had all this been too much for her, and she even chose to have a second child with me well after she had found out about my crossdressing, thereby further cementing the relationship. The reason she continues to give to this day for staying with me is that despite it all, she loves me deeply, can't imagine a life without me, and is willing to put up with this quirk (within reason) because the "good" in our marriage far outweighs the "bad".

But here's where we differ, DoorMat - unlike your husband, I have no desire to force my crossdressing down my wife's throat. Not only would I feel equally awkward presenting as "Leslie" in front of her after all these years given her very negative stance against this - how much "fun" would it really be to have her participate in this activity under these conditions, especially if it is done under duress and with clenched teeth?

So, no - I have no problem whatsoever with DADT according to this reality. But where I do see a disconnect is when we have allegedly agreed to a "live and let" live" type of arrangement and I try to follow the "rules", and then female emotions that trump logic and prior agreement occasionally rear their ugly head and I am subjected to the kind of negativity that I described in my prior posts.

I try to be understanding and "suck it up" on those occasions, but sometimes the rants and inconsistency just get to be too much, and I simply say "screw it" and do what I have to do for the sake of my own mental health. And sometimes, that means doing something that my wife disapproves of, including my increasingly frequent excursions out in public as "Leslie" of late. But despite all that, I still respect the basic DADT "rules" that we have established and only do it when she is not around.

But what I am no longer prepared to do is to sugar-coat it or lie about my crossdressing in general to "spare" her feelings. And if there is one thing that I have leaned from my participation on this forum, it is that for most women - when they finally do discover that their husband or SO is a crossdresser - it is not so much the fact that he does this, it is the previous absence of honesty surrounding it that causes the problems. The associated lack of trust issues that then permeate all other aspects of the relationship as part of that fall-out often start to grow like a cancer as a result.

So to that end, I've finally decided to "grow a pair", be totally forthright about what I do, and let the chips fall where they may. It is the lesser of the two evils, even if there is a certain degree of risk associated with such openness. And the funny thing is, I have no doubt that on some level my wife appreciates this, but her pride and stubbornness preclude her from ever admitting it.

DoorMat, I feel your pain, and can offer no assistance except to clarify further on how I stand on this whole issue as I have done, and where it differs substantially from yours. Perhaps outside counselling by an impartial third party would be beneficial here as others have suggested. My wife and I have tried it as well and have found it to be useful, but don't expect miracles. At the end of the day, it all comes down to how flexible a couple can be in modifying entrenched behaviors and accepting the others' POV and needs.

Clearly, my wife and I are still working though our issues as well after 35+ years of marriage, and sometimes it just comes down to agreeing to disagree. But even this is not always as simple as it seems - hence my venting here in my previous posts and seeking advice and support.

But I will say this - this forum has been a God-send to me in terms of better understanding myself and finally coming to terms with who and what I am - and actually embracing this side of me for the way it makes me a much more balanced and complete individual. It has done more for me in that respect than much of the counselling and therapy that I had pursued prior to that. And the reason is very simple - THE PEOPLE HERE HAVE ACTUALLY LIVED THE EXPERIENCE, AND THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT.

You have done well to come to this forum to seek help and support, and like others here, I strongly urge you to join the F.A.B. section to be in the company of GG peers who can better help you sort through your issues. Now as for that name change that is so sorely needed...