Some may try to pick holes in your reaction to having to dress in male clothing, but I experienced something very similar in the run up to my transition and the psy who had to screen me for mental illnesses thought my physical reaction to dressing as a bloke was quite understandable.
I have also been in that position where I was planning different scenarios for suicide and like you was held back by the sense of fairness to others. I would strongly encourage you to remember that there is much more future in being alive than being dead. I have never heard a single dead person say that the prefer that state to life
IMNSHO, the professionals are right, you must get your other problems in hand before embarking upon full-blown transition, but that does not mean you cannot make any progress. Can you afford to start electrolysis?
If you do need to transition (and I am not doubting your word) how far have you/can you get your wife involved?
