So I'll preface this by saying that my realization that I was transgendered (who am I kidding? I'm a girl), was just 3 months ago. I started talking to a counselor 6 weeks ago - with the goal of trying to accept myself as some type of cross dresser, to do *anything* to avoid transition. So this is all really sudden.
But I'm sitting here typing this, in drab, and I'm a mess. My anxiety has been horrible since I changed back to guy mode this afternoon, for the return home of my wife. Going a couple of days as a male is hell - I feel dreadful. I don't want to live this way anymore.
What is the expression that gets used here a lot "Transition or die?" If so, I've certainly been close enough to "or die", particularly last week, that I don't feel I have much other choice but to seriously, seriously consider transition.
I spent about 20 hours last week having a nervous breakdown - a psychotic break. I hallucinated myself as a monster as I looked at myself in the mirror. It was horrible - but I realized that I'd seen that monster before, when I had a similar breakdown when I was 18. For the next 20 hours I was just flat unable to look in the mirror - I was afraid of what I'd see there.
I absolutely hate myself, and I hate my body. I hate my hirsute form - gettting waxed last week was an enormous relief.
I'm new at all this - I've only gone out in public presenting as female a couple of times. But what strikes me about it is that at this point, presenting as female feels normal, where as presenting as male stresses the hell out of me, to put it mildly. (I have full blown anxiety attacks, complete with shaking, and other physical symptoms.) I spent a part of last Tuesday night contemplating what exactly I'd need to do in my car to defeat all the safety features built into it, to end myself in a crash without injuring someone else. (Running headlong into a semi at 160MPH would do it - but that would be a horrible thing to do to the other driver.) At the time, this all seemed like a fairly positive way of thinking about a problem - because I just couldn't handle the pain of living the way I do now. (I've calmed down - I'm not thinking this way now - it would be a horrible thing to do to my family.)
So I've gone back to my doctor, and have some more medication. Although he's not a specialist in TS issues, he has a couple of TS patients, and neither he, nor my therapist thinks I need to do very much right now - I'm too unstable. And I'm sure they are right - I'm a mess right now, to put it mildly. So the first goal is to try to get me a little more emotionally stable, and then see where we go from there.
But I'm in enough emotional pain over my gender - I hate my body, and I hate myself so much - that I just don't see that any other conclusion is possible. I need to transition when I'm able. Hopefully sooner, rather than later.
I'll be honest - I'd hoped I'd figure out some way to cheat this. I am an excellent, excellent cheater. I'm sneaky. I'm clever. I'm underhanded. I'd hoped to secretly CD and somehow preserve some semblance of my marriage. But this is bigger than any trick I can come up with. There's no trick here - I'm barely hanging on for dear life.
Will I be happier? I dunno - it's hard to imagine that I could feel worse than I do right now. I can barely function at work. I'm trying to be there for my wife - but emotionally, it's mostly a total front. I love her - but I'm not really there for her right now. I'm trying - but just trying to keep it together in guy mode takes a LOT of my mental energy. Right now, just staying alive, relatively sane, and not miserable would be a big improvement. Happiness would just be icing on the cake.
Am I thinking about this the right way? I feel the conclusion here is just inescapable - I'm going to transition. Is there some alternative I'm missing? Am I nuts?
I'm not looking for validation here - hell shoot me down.
There are about a million reasons NOT to transition. I just can't bear the thought of living another 30-35 years and hating the face that looks back at me in the mirror. I won't make it that long feeling the way I feel.
Everyday, I put on my male clothes, it feels like I'm donning a prison uniform. I am a prisoner in my own life. This is horrible - because my life ought to be pretty good. Many things about it are great, including my wife. But the good of all that doesn't seem to weigh heavily against how dreadful I feel.