Quote Originally Posted by MysticLady View Post
I don't know. You may be right Arbon, but if she's having difficulties with loving herself now , I believe nothing will make her happy. After transition she may not completely be satisfied and will continue to search and think that she may need more to become happy and that I believe will become a " carrot on a string" that she'll never catch. Then again this is just my opinion. It'll be up to Paula to decide that.
Hi Victoria. Sure, it is possible that I'll never be happy. I have considered that outcome, and it is one of my bigger fears. However, I've never really liked myself, and I absolutely hate my body, and always have. For a long time, I attributed that to being handicapped, but honestly, it makes more sense that I'm unhappy in my body because I was born in the wrong one - I just ended up with both jokers in the deck in my hand. (handicapped and trans.)

I smile at myself in the mirror when I'm presenting as Paula. I *never* smile at myself as a male. NEVER. I know that's no guarantee of anything in particular, but I take it as a positive sign. I've gone out a couple of times en femme - and it feels GREAT. Being Paula feels natural and normal. Being male feels like I'm in a prison uniform - and I feel so much anxiety that way. I've noticed that I don't like to leave the house en drab anymore if I have time alone at home to be Paula. If my situation were a little different, and my town was a little safer, I think I'd go out as Paula most or all of the time. As it is - if my wife weren't an issue, I think I'd be out presenting as Paula *a lot*. I never want to shop en drab ever again.

As for happiness - I dunno. I am not worried about that so much. I want peace. I want to like myself. I want to stay sane, and alive. I'd take some loneliness and minor unhappiness over the absolute misery I feel right now. Seriously - it would be a good trade.