Lynn,
It takes two to have an argument. This is really starting to sound to me like she's drawing you into some degree of co-dependency. If so, it won't matter what you do you will never satisfy her. One day you'll be her white knight on horseback doing everything right, and then you'll be the most terrible control freak another day. I really think she needs more help than you do to be honest, and probably best done separately than together.
I really don't envy your situation but I do urge you to step back and don't allow yourself to be drawn into the game she's apparently playing. More than anything, if you behave in ways alien to you in order to appease others you will eventually break, quite possibly in a spectacular or even fatal way. Whatever the pain now don't allow it to build up further down the road.
