Considering Transition

[PaulaQ]

I got a text from my brother-in-law this evening:

Hey "S", I just wanted to tell you how much I love you and you're welcome to talk to me anytime you need.

Gosh! What could that have been about?!?

I call him back, and yep, my wife had told him, a couple of days before. She'd asked if I'd be OK with this - after she'd done it.

So we hashed it out. I pointed out that I didn't feel especially safe, since I apparently couldn't take her at her word. She promised not to "out" me without discussing it. But she did - 7 or 8 times now. She apologized, and said "I know you said I'm handling this well, but I'm really not!" I had to agree with that - she kinda sucks at some parts of this. Oh well. I may just cut to the chase and put the following on my normal facebook page:

"Dear friends and family, it is with a heavy heart that I inform you that I'm transgendered - a woman trapped in a man's body. I intend to transition into to the role of a woman as soon as I'm able, with medical intervention of various sorts. You can see my new facebook page at ..."

What do you think?

I told her I was mad that she had been angry with me, for telling her mom "we're going to try. Our odds are terrible, but maybe we'll beat them." I was hurt by that - I wanted to believe we had some tiny, albeit incredibly unlikely glimmer of hope, especially since she didn't want a divorce right away. But there isn't any hope. I finally get that, and it really hurts. That's mostly why I'm angry, to be honest.

But we aren't going to make it. So we discussed working on plans for separation. We didn't decide anything tonight, other than I made it clear that she wasn't in any way, shape or form ready for me to transition. And our home here is the worst possible place to transition. It ain't safe to be the town tranny here in rural Oklahoma. It wouldn't be safe for me, and it would hurt her too. It simply isn't possible - and she simply isn't ready for it.

She offered to see me as Paula, if I didn't mind our sex-life ending. I pointed out that it would hurt her, and that I didn't need the rejection. (Tell me, o fearless reader of my tale, is my physiognomy so horrible as to inspire dread and fear in the heart of the onlooker?)

She doesn't hate me, even female me. Still, it's hard to take rejection, or the preception of it. I don't know that I can be female while she's in the house. Her "I can't look at you! I can't look at you!" feels negative. If I start hating being Paula, I'm just ****ed. If I can't stand being a man, and I can't stand being a woman, I am dead meat, for sure.

Anyway, I'm not sure what I'll do. Put my transition on ice for a while, I guess. I ain't getting hormones anytime soon - my therapist doesn't write letters. So I'll look for another therapist, and, unfortunately, probably be unable to start again until I relocate. (Next best candidate is 180 miles away. Maybe she'll do skype meetings, and I can start sooner.) I'll start my search for other resources (electrolysis, endocrinologist, etc.) all over again, in a different state. FML. I'm looking though - maybe I'll catch a break, and find someone who wants to help me actually feel better.

As for doing little things, I dunno. I can't decide if GD from not presenting as female is worse than GD from feeling like I'm a horrible old hag who my wife can't even look at without risking a mental breakdown. I know that isn't how she'd put it, but it's how it feels to me. I am really stuck between not wanting to hurt my wife, wanting to move forward. The pressure between these two unresolvable imperatives makes me want to die.

Maybe I'll manage to stay alive while all that happens. Maybe I'll manage to stay employed, while all that happens. This certainly is affecting my productivity. Maybe the meds I'm on will just stabilize me better. Yeah, right.

I'm in real trouble here, ladies.

My brother in law was trying to talk me out of being a tranny. I'm so manly and stuff.

Remind me again - why is "or die" such a bad option?

I'm gonna go take some meds before I completely melt down.

edit: my wife has not one clue what I'm going through. I used the phrases "life or death" and "struggling for my life" a bunch while talking to her. She had no idea. She thought the little steps I was taking, and my meds were making things better. (They were, but she undermined all that a WHOLE BUNCH this week.) She was hoping I'd be better in a couple of weeks. Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

I told her 2-3 years, and even after that, I could still die. She said "well, you'll be better after you transition, I hate that you read that stuff and talk to other people - you aren't like them." I told her "Hon, this is real, and this is serious. I'm telling you I'm in real danger, over the long term because I am in real danger. These aren't pessimism - if you'd bother to learn anything about what I'm going through, you'd know what I'm telling you is the cold, hard truth, scary though it may be."

Hopefully she'll buck the hell up and quit ****ing around with my identity.