In many ways, my personal situation has enabled me to have an understanding of both sides of this debate, and that is why I feel strongly about not condemning anyone for the decisions they make. I have been married twice, for a total married life of over 50 years. My first marriage did not end in divorce, but in the untimely death of my wife to cancer. I have been extremely blessed to have been married to two wonderful, caring and understanding women, and I could not bear the thought of hurting them in any way.

I began crossdressing in my early teen years, by sneaking items belonging to my older sister, and when she left home, from my mother when no one else was home. I did not come any where near to dressing up completely, but concentrated on specific items that aroused my curiosity and interest like bras, garter belts, girdles, slips, hosiery and jewelry. As this was a long time ago, there was no information available, and the only thing anyone knew about this practice was that it was horribly wrong. When I was nearing my twenties, because of shame and guilt, I decided that I should stop doing this, and I managed to do so for about 6 or 7 years. During this time, I met my first wife, fell in love and was married. Of course, because of being so ashamed of my past behaviour, I saw no point in telling her and making her wonder what sort of a pervert I was. I saw no point in disappointing or hurting her and was so in love, I did not want to jeopardize our happiness. Then one day when I was under tremendous stress of studying for my final exams, and my wife was at work, I gave in to the lure of wearing one of her bras. It had been left on top of a pile of clothes near my desk, and I wore it as a means of relaxing myself in order to help me concentrate on my studies. I still had it on when she returned home, as I wanted her to know what I had done and how I had found it to be rather comforting. She was surprised but not upset. I saw no point in mentioning anything from my past, as it would have painted a picture of something much different than what had just taken place. At my suggestion, she helped me purchase an inexpensive but slightly larger bra that I could wear to get me through the grueling and stressful task of writing those final exams. After that, I returned to a life of abstention from crossdressing except for a few times when I was under stress and alone. I only had a couple of items that spent most of the time in the bottom of a dresser drawer. When my wife was diagnosed with cancer, I made a vow to myself that I was not going to crossdress any more and threw out the few items that I had.

After her passing I was so grief stricken and lonely, that I caved in and did a little crossdressing during the long and lonely nights, wearing some of my wife's nightgowns and lingerie for a few months. Then one day, I said enough, and tossed everything out. I wasn't going to succumb to self pity. I eventually remarried, and did not say anything to my second wife, because I was no longer crossdressing and for the same reasons as before, did not want to hurt her or our chances of happiness by disclosing such dark secrets about my past. Right or wrong, can be debated until the cows come home, but is destroying a wonderful relationship ever the right thing to do?

Then one day, about 5 years into our marriage, my wife asked me if I had ever tried on a bra. I said yes, without really having the time to think about how I should respond. I still don't know what prompted the question, but it led to some more questions and some honest answers from me. A few days later, she surprised me with a few gifts, including a dress, slip, bra, panties and pantyhose. She said that I should wear them around the house whenever I felt the need, but cautioned me to not let the children (from my first marriage) see me. I was very hesitant to try those gifts on at first because of the vow that I had made to myself and also because I had never worn a dress before or taken my dressing to that extent. The rest is history, and we have been married for close to 30 years. She is not overly active in my crossdressing, but has attended some events with me in recent years. We do not discuss the subject very often, but I can wear anything I want around the house, and in her presence. I rarely dress when she is not around.

Both of my wives have known. The first one did not know about my past, just my current limited activities, but it was me who disclosed it when it returned to a semi active thing. My second wife, however knows pretty much the whole story, but it was not because I brought up the subject. It was not exactly getting caught, but was somewhat unique. So I have both told and in a sense been unexpectedly confronted. I have not told going in to a relationship, but just when the situation arose. I consider myself to be very fortunate that everything has worked out well, but I can understand the trepidation about broaching such a subject and the uncertainty of whether you would be ruining a good life for everyone. I know the benefits of disclosure without having had to suffer the difficulties. I also understand the angst of knowing you have not been totally open about yourself, and making extreme sacrifices in order to not hurt those you love the most. I would never urge anyone to tell or consider them to be a bad person if they don't, nor would I say that disclosure is right or wrong. Every situation is different.

Veronica