Wife issues - advice needed.

[Julie Almoni]

Thank you for all the replies. Food for thought. Just to clarify: she more or less understands what this is about and what it means. In some respect she figured it out from my desires and fantasies faster than I did, including autogynephilia (or the similar idea) mentioned here. She doesn't refuse to discuss it and except for the last talk doesn't hold me guilty of anything or accuses me of anything. Obviously it doesn't mean she likes it. She never will and it's not her fault. But the problem is that because of the negative emotions she experiences I feel increasingly guilty to convince her to participate in this, or show any initiative at all, and obviously she's not initiating this either, so often nothing happens for months. And because she's jealous of me doing it alone without her - I can't do it either. We arrived at a same stalemate again, that I'm really suffering to be in, but she is quite OK with. I suspect that she thinks just acknowledging it, having done it before, and talking about it makes it OK (and I agree that it's a lot for her to process already), but for me it is obviously problematic because as a result nothing happens and as Douglas Adams wrote "nothing continued to happen". I'm afraid to hurt her, but I keep hurting myself in the process.

Maybe we could see a therapist. I'm sure she would go if I suggest it. We talked about it before. The problem is that she knows about me as much as I know about myself, and I know what she is going through, so I doubt that a therapist would be able to tell us anything new. I guess we could still try...

If you are pushing 50 then I have to assume that she is also.

Brenda

I'm actually pushing 40, and kids are still small. Your suggestion is still wise, I always kept encouraging her to take on any hobby and supported anything she would want to do just for her own enjoyment. It borders with another problem we had: I have several hobbies but she has none and never had one, so it was difficult for her to understand that I need time for something beside her and our family. We mostly dealt with it, besides I have so little spare time now that I can't afford to spend a lot on my hobbies. We still couldn't find anything she would like to take on. She has less spare time than I do and no specific desires for a hobby beside watching a good movie together or spend an evening with friends.

I would research local therapists, can you give us your area? Some on here may be able to point you to a good one. When you suggest this to your wife, point out that you, need some help to see this from something other than the 2 viewpoints you already know.

Toronto area - Mississauga/Oakville/Burlington would work as a therapist location.

it is not so much as getting one to change their mind but more of understanding that two people at some point will have different minds and accepting that there has to be a compromise somewhere on both sides for it to work .

We both understand that, but we fail to find such a compromise...