Is part of my life fraudulent?

[Teresa]

Reine,
It really is a struggle to get to the bottom line, but thinking about this morning I realise that neither of us aren't saying we don't love each other, admittedly we don't say it enough and the harsh words don't help from either side but basically she can't live with my CDing and I can't live without it !
I accept it fully now but still don't really understand what's driving it, the point I made in , "more than CDing thread".
I have to use all my counselling sessions to try and get that answer, I told my wife yesterday that I wasn't sure anymore how much I needed to be a woman, throwing all the other labels at her are going to totally confuse her ! This is one of the mistakes she making about joint counselling but then of course she doesn't want to know and hear that she may lose her husband in that way.
The problem is now I'm trying so hard to step forward and she's taking steps back.
I don't need her to validate my CDing , I need to satisfy a desire that's always been there of wanting to share it totally with a woman, as a companion and yes sexually ! It's that rejection of at least half of my being that is harming and hurting me so much, as you may recall it drove me to desperate measures some twenty years ago.

She may or may not come round at some point as you say, but time is running out and mentally I need some answers and take action soon. She suggested that I go and get some medication ( antidepressants ) but as I found last time, many of the negatives disappear and the CDing becomes more acceptable and loses it's boundaries, so it's counter productive, I'm possibly happier but only because of my comfort levels with CDing are greater which I doubt the rest of the family will want to see.

The inevitable does look like parting of our ways , I mustn't see it as I love my CDing more than my family, everyone my wife has spoken to has said they couldn't live with a CDer, maybe I should be fair and take that pain away but seperation isn't going to be pain free either !