I'm overwhelmed

[Ashley in Virginia]

Ashley, you're seeing an endo for HRT.

Not sure what the procedures are in your state or even anywhere, but someone I respect in the TS section once mentioned that it's a good idea to see a gender therapist who won't automatically suggest HRT to see if it will calm down your anxiety, but who instead will first rule out any comorbitity (the simultaneous presence of other conditions, for example depression or general anxiety) before giving the OK for HRT. There are good reasons for this. One, you want any other condition to be taken care of before you begin transition (other conditions don't necessarily go away once a person transitions and can in fact complicate things) and two, taking care of other conditions might help you see a clearer picture with regard to your gender identity. If the decision to start HRT right away is putting you in a tailspin, you might want to see someone who has a more holistic approach. Listen to your gut feelings.

I don't know if you've revisited your past threads. It might be a good idea to take a few moments and track back through your timeline. You can gain some insight there too.

I'd be wary of the "you go girl" advice here. You need to follow your own path.

I've revisited my old threads. I've always been uncomfortable with who I am. It's never been just cross dressing.... I tried to fit into things here at first, but as time has gone on, I've found myself on the outside looking in. And for the last few years I've just posted threads in the picture forum, I guess to satiate my own vanity and get some kind of selfish validation.

I've tried antidepressants, they did nothing to stop the compulsion to crossdress (not that they are supposed to, but a person can wish). I can't quite describe how I felt on them... They did keep me from killing myself, which is a positive I guess. But that's about all they did. I still didn't feel comfortable, I just felt blah.

HRT isn't the worst thing in the world. My understanding is that, if it isn't what I need, I'll find out fairly quickly. And most changes are reversible if I stop soon enough. I am not married or dating. Aside from my 2 daughters, I have absolutely no family to come out to (they are long dead) and I have no friends to speak of. At this point I'm a ghost.... I have nothing to lose really. If I had guts I would have just killed myself a long time ago. My kids are the only reason I'm willing to try this because they need someone to be around for them... Even if it is their weird transitioning dad.

Because the crossdressing is so physically visible you focus strongly on it as evidence of your weirdness, yet to every one of us on this forum, the crossdressing itself, and your physical appearance when dressed, aren't weird at all. You may still feel weird despite our votes to the contrary, but look at what you're saying- one member at least has told you clearly that they find you very attractive when crossdressed, and the rest of us certainly think of you as 'one of the crowd', so please at least give us the benefit of the doubt and downgrade the 'weird' to 'kinda different', otherwise you're in effect saying we're all weird.

Hugs, Nikki

Thanks for the thoughts...

I don't want anyone to take offence at my use of the word "weird".... Weird is a relative term... What's weird to me isn't weird to you... I don't know how to express myself differently. I'm open to suggestions.


I just want some peace. It shouldn't be this hard to be happy.