I've gone through periods when the urge to dress up just isn't there, generally these are times when I'm exceptionally busy or stressed out from work or life in general. There are other times when all I think about is dressing up, it ebbs and flows. I've even contemplated transitioning and looked into what's involved and cost, but, haven't taken any steps like you did.
From your post it sounds like you were on the verge of transitioning, very close to taking hormones, and just got second thoughts on going through with it. Maybe subconsciously transitioning frightened you or felt it wasn't the right path for you, it might be a case that subconsciously you fear that if you start dressing up again it might lead down to the path of
transitioning again. It's impossible to know, maybe the urge to dress will come back, maybe you might want to transition again down the line. It's obvious you've had a really tough time over the last few years. I wish you all the best and hope you find happiness and contentment whether or not crossdressing is involved.
