A life update, and some questions

[sexycindy]

Hey girls,

I haven't posted on here in years and am after some advice to ask if anyone else has had this happen to them and to gather thoughts on this from you.

TL;DR - Have you ever lost the urge to crossdress?

Background Story
I first joined this site over 10 years ago, at the time I was with an adventurous girlfriend who wanted to explore new things in the bedroom. This lead to me discovering a love for dressing as a woman, exploring a dual life of guy/girl and eventually getting a second wardrobe for Cindy with make up and everything and was shaven all over. I had professional make up lessons, became comfortable shopping for new clothes and make up (thanks to the advice on here) and even started to occasionally go out en femme. I know I'm biased, but I looked damn good! That relationship ended, and every time I opened up to a new partner the relationships would come to a sudden end. Except for one girl who did encourage me to go out with her, but that relationship ended for other unrelated reasons. Suddenly, COVID happened and I found myself working from home and found myself being a girl pretty much 24/7. I even decided to go as Hannah, rather than Cindy as the name suited me better, I made social media accounts and made some new online friends, I started doing far more "stereotypical" girly things like watching chick-flicks, learning new hairstyles with my wigs, learning to make different cocktails, finding myself browsing a variety of clothes sites, reading magazines like vogue etc. I even found that I was carrying myself in a more feminine way, sitting more girly and doing things like playing with my hair, that hand thing that girls do. During this time, I joined a zoom call with mates en femme (at this point, only those that I had been romantically involved with knew about "my alter ego"), they were all supportive and gave compliments. That lead to me telling my mum, she was cool with it and then I told a close female friend who would meet me for walks en femme. I enjoyed living life as Hannah, I felt like I had found myself. I started researching things like HRT and even had a couple of online gender counselling sessions, fully considering transitioning (including looking at the costs of the operations) and living life as a full on girl. The psychologist was on board with me looking to transition and started talking me through the next steps. So I continued living as a girl 24/7, knowing that when I hit a certain milestone I'd be able to start HRT. I felt happy, I felt content, it all felt right. Suddenly, one day I didn't want to be dressed in my girly clothes or have my nails painted and just went back to being a guy most of the time, stopped shaving and before I knew it COVID was over and I was living as a guy 24/7. I spoke to the psychologists about it, they said it was probably cold feet and sometimes girls do wear male clothes and it was all normal. A few months pass, no changes so they struck me off and said that I'm regressing and if I wanted to transition, I'd have to go through it all again.

After a year or so, I threw my make up out (it was all out of date and had gone bad), I then found myself selling clothes on eBay and Vinted leaving me with a few favourites. I then went through a massive mental breakdown, for multiple reasons (mainly work related), had a lot of counselling and meds to get me back to being on an even keel. During this counselling, I discovered I had been depressed for a very long time. Early last year, I came across the bag that had a few old favourite clothes and heels in, I tried them on and sadly I've gained weight so the dresses didn't fit I just donated them and some of the heels to charity. Leaving me with some underwear, tights and some shoes. Mid-late last year I wanted to dress to see if the urge was still there, discovered the lack of clothing, bought a new dress online and when I dressed up, the feeling just wasn't there anymore. Fast forward to the Christmas Sales, I saw a gorgeous dress and some lovely heels in a sale, I bought them and figured the buzz was back so bought some make up and shaved all over, in prep. They arrived, I got all dressed up and nothing, it just felt strange. A few weeks ago, I took some holiday from work and decided to spend a week as a girl 24/7. I got all dressed up on the first day, felt awkward all day, next day the same, the third day I just wanted to be a guy again. Fast forward to this weekend, I was free all weekend and decided to be femme after about an hour I decided to take it all off and be a guy, and the clothes are all back in a bag and just sitting there.

Has this ever happened to you? Will the buzz ever return? Was it just a passing exciting phase when I was younger? Was it a coping mechanism for my poor mental health? Was I just uncomfortable being me and created an alter-ego that I was happy being? Am I now just happy and comfortable with being a guy? It just feels like it was a large part of me and now it's just... gone...

Thanks for reading, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts, comments and advice.

Cindy/Hannah xx

[kimdl93]

I think the ebbs and flows are pretty common. In the past I can think of periods lasting up to several years.

[docrobbysherry]

I could guess, but would rather not. What did u used to feel that u don't now?

The reasons we dress r uncalcuable!

Did u feel turned on? Relaxed? Excited? Distracted from your problems? Happier? More like your self? Like someone completely differnt? What!?

[CharlotteCD]

I can totally relate. Around 3/4 years ago I had convinced myself I was transgender and was doing all of the research because it felt like the only way I would ever be happy.

These days I plan to dress because "I should dress today" rather than "I want to dress today" and the end result is that I never dress. I've done it and handful of times in the last year and every time I do it then I look to get changed back quickly into guy mode.

I don't even do it for the personal pleasure like I used to because it doesn't turn me on in that way.

I could get rid right now and it wouldn't bother me for months, maybe years.

Thing is I have been here before in 2014-2018 when I didn't have much desire.

[Aka_Donna]

Difficult to respond without more information.

It sounds like you don't have a wife/SO, is that correct?
What was the main appeal of CD?
-- the buzz/excitement effect?
-- the naughty/forbidden effect?
-- the less stress, i.e. comfort?
-- Nicer materials to play with?
-- a different persona?
-- something else?

Note: this site is inhabited by crossdressers, not so much transitioners. So there is always a tension in the desire to find a balance between the gender presentations that work for each person. Unfortunately there is no cookie cutter approach. Emotional comfort is a common desire which is made much much more difficult if on HRT or other drugs. Help us understand what was the attraction and power of CD, and then maybe we can provide helpful insights.

[alwayshave]

Hannah, I'm not a doctor nor do I play one on TV. However, when I went through a period of depression during covid my need to dress completely went away. When the depression ended, the need came back.

[Brynna M]

I've lost the urge when I've been particularly busy or tired like after my son was born. Having mental health issues I can say that changes in medication can have significant effects and that major mental health episodes sometimes leave permanent changes. That's one to talk over with a psychiatrist.

[CarlaWestin]

Back when I started playing dress-up, the word 'transgender' didn't even exist. I was just having naughty fun and satisfying some kind of creative/erotic urge.
I do have great compassion for those who've had to experience it but, IMHO, the occurrence of true born in the wrong body issues is practically non existent.
I loathe those who want to promote the one size fits all narative.

[cd300]

Cindy,
I know exactly how you feel. Please go with what is feeling right to you. I am currently going through similar shift in my life.

[Jasmine23]

I've gone through periods when the urge to dress up just isn't there, generally these are times when I'm exceptionally busy or stressed out from work or life in general. There are other times when all I think about is dressing up, it ebbs and flows. I've even contemplated transitioning and looked into what's involved and cost, but, haven't taken any steps like you did.
From your post it sounds like you were on the verge of transitioning, very close to taking hormones, and just got second thoughts on going through with it. Maybe subconsciously transitioning frightened you or felt it wasn't the right path for you, it might be a case that subconsciously you fear that if you start dressing up again it might lead down to the path of
transitioning again. It's impossible to know, maybe the urge to dress will come back, maybe you might want to transition again down the line. It's obvious you've had a really tough time over the last few years. I wish you all the best and hope you find happiness and contentment whether or not crossdressing is involved.

[Maria 60]

It's a little strange how things work different for most of us. I do get at times a little dry spell when I feel tired to make the mess and then clean it up, almost like I couldn't be bothered. For some reason it was the opposite for me, when Covid hit I started dressing more, almost like it distracted me from what was going on. I feel when I'm under more pressure is when I dress more, almost like I'm more relaxed when dressed. Well don't beat yourself up over it and just let your true feelings guide you, it's sounds like your trying to make it come back. Just relax and follow your heart.

[Meg]

Cindy, I cannot speak for all, but I am willing to venture that we have all gone through a purge or "dry spell" at some point. I have been through several purges. And as of late, I have not dressed in a month and a half. There is no operation manual for life. Treat yourself right and remember that you are free to be you. Wherever you are in life, we will all be here with and for you.

[sexycindy]

I could guess, but would rather not. What did u used to feel that u don't now?

The reasons we dress r uncalcuable!

Did u feel turned on? Relaxed? Excited? Distracted from your problems? Happier? More like your self? Like someone completely differnt? What!?

To answer each of these, when I first started with that initial partner it was a turn on. Then when I explored further it turned in relaxation, happiness and a distraction. During the COVID period, it turned into feeling more like myself and feeling like I finally belonged and felt right. Now, I feel nothing and if I dress as Hannah, then it feels more like an effort and doesn't feel like any of those things. It's now more like a "what is the point?"

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I can totally relate. Around 3/4 years ago I had convinced myself I was transgender and was doing all of the research because it felt like the only way I would ever be happy.

These days I plan to dress because "I should dress today" rather than "I want to dress today" and the end result is that I never dress. I've done it and handful of times in the last year and every time I do it then I look to get changed back quickly into guy mode.

I don't even do it for the personal pleasure like I used to because it doesn't turn me on in that way.

I could get rid right now and it wouldn't bother me for months, maybe years.

Thing is I have been here before in 2014-2018 when I didn't have much desire.

This is 100% where I'm at, so I'm glad I'm not alone.

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Difficult to respond without more information.

It sounds like you don't have a wife/SO, is that correct?
What was the main appeal of CD?
-- the buzz/excitement effect?
-- the naughty/forbidden effect?
-- the less stress, i.e. comfort?
-- Nicer materials to play with?
-- a different persona?
-- something else?

Note: this site is inhabited by crossdressers, not so much transitioners. So there is always a tension in the desire to find a balance between the gender presentations that work for each person. Unfortunately there is no cookie cutter approach. Emotional comfort is a common desire which is made much much more difficult if on HRT or other drugs. Help us understand what was the attraction and power of CD, and then maybe we can provide helpful insights.

At the moment, no. I have had girlfriends and even a fianc?e in the past. See my other response to another user, but it evolved from a buzz of something in the bedroom with my first partner. Then going through a range of all of those you've mentioned. To a height of feeling that right that I should transition. However, before that point it was a case of it was exciting, I felt attractive, I felt right and was comfortable in my own skin. Now it's nothing.

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

I've gone through periods when the urge to dress up just isn't there, generally these are times when I'm exceptionally busy or stressed out from work or life in general. There are other times when all I think about is dressing up, it ebbs and flows. I've even contemplated transitioning and looked into what's involved and cost, but, haven't taken any steps like you did.
From your post it sounds like you were on the verge of transitioning, very close to taking hormones, and just got second thoughts on going through with it. Maybe subconsciously transitioning frightened you or felt it wasn't the right path for you, it might be a case that subconsciously you fear that if you start dressing up again it might lead down to the path of
transitioning again. It's impossible to know, maybe the urge to dress will come back, maybe you might want to transition again down the line. It's obvious you've had a really tough time over the last few years. I wish you all the best and hope you find happiness and contentment whether or not crossdressing is involved.

I'll be honest, I have found a point where I am now happy and content with life.
I have tried dressing, but none of the urges to transition have been there, so I think that's gone completely and I wonder if it was a case of where my head was at, in that moment. The thing I miss with dressing is the excitment, the thrill, the feeling pretty, and the retail therapy of buying a new pair of shoes or something.

[Aka_Donna]

It sounds more like you are depressed than CD anxious. Try to treat the depression.

In terms of missing the desire, one idea that helped me understand is that moods and evironment can make a huge difference. When stressed often the mix is 5% good, 10% neutral and 85% horrible. But when unstressed the mix may be 55% good, 25% neutral and 10% bad. It's about balance and NOT beating yourself up because what you sense now is now what you/others expect to be your experience. Go with what's good at this moment for you and call that well enough, period.

[sexycindy]

It's a little strange how things work different for most of us. I do get at times a little dry spell when I feel tired to make the mess and then clean it up, almost like I couldn't be bothered. For some reason it was the opposite for me, when Covid hit I started dressing more, almost like it distracted me from what was going on. I feel when I'm under more pressure is when I dress more, almost like I'm more relaxed when dressed. Well don't beat yourself up over it and just let your true feelings guide you, it's sounds like your trying to make it come back. Just relax and follow your heart.

I've always found that when I'm feeling stressed or overwhelmed, all I want is my pyjamas and bed. Historically, when I was relaxed or it was the weekend etc. I'd be dressing up and enjoying life. Now days, at the weekend I just look forward to playing video games or chilling out. Like today, I felt an urge to dress got things out. Then the urge just left and I put it back.

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It sounds more like you are depressed than CD anxious. Try to treat the depression.

In terms of missing the desire, one idea that helped me understand is that moods and evironment can make a huge difference. When stressed often the mix is 5% good, 10% neutral and 85% horrible. But when unstressed the mix may be 55% good, 25% neutral and 10% bad. It's about balance and NOT beating yourself up because what you sense now is now what you/others expect to be your experience. Go with what's good at this moment for you and call that well enough, period.

Regarding the depression, that went away a couple of years ago, with the help of meds and counselling. I do still meet regularly with a counsellor for updates etc. But I'm happy and content with life. I have raised this with them, and they suggested I was dressing to try to be a different person and escape from my issues. I explained that it wasn't always the case, and they suggested seeking advice from people that know more about this, than they do. Hence my post on here, to see what others think.

[Aka_Donna]

I have raised this with them, and they suggested I was dressing to try to be a different person and escape from my issues. I explained that it wasn't always the case, and they suggested seeking advice from people that know more about this, than they do. Hence my post on here, to see what others think.

Best natural antidepressents are 1- 20 minutes plus out in sunlight, 2- couple hrs of deep sleep {6.5 hrs of sleep if don't have sleep tracker}, and 3-having someone to share life events and discuss them with.


I don't think it's being a different person, but more another side of myself. For many times, it's a way of dialing down the negative selftalk and fear so can handle mentally difficult tasks, usually one's with a struggling with this in the past.For example, doing taxes. A touch of CD helped, but not full CD as that would make stress higher. Often try different things to see what works at this time. In warm weather dressed at night, now it's just for a couple hrs in the am and that makes day go smoother. Strange don't feel need/desire so much in evening. It's not the same month to month. Something is always changing. Even went a couple years with zero, but it has returned as my needs and abilities to handle life events change.

Hope this helps. Others may have different insights.

[Cheryl T]

Have I ever lost the desire? Never!
I have been forced to put it aside for extended periods over the decades of my life, but it's always been there in my mind that it would certainly always be with me.

[NancySue]

I?m with Cheryl. Over the many years, I?ve had to store things, (college, military, etc.), but the pink fog has always been with me. Now retired, with a supportive wife, I?ve caught up.

[April Rose]

Nothing wrong with being happy and comfortable as a guy.

[shawn123]

It happens to all of us (well, probably more like most of us). I have times where I really have no interest in dressing and generally thing I should just give it up completely. And there are times that I can think of nothing but. One thing I've learned is that instead of purging, I just put all of my female clothing away for a while. Sometimes it's a couple of weeks, sometimes longer. But, eventually I end up pulling it all back out again and am happier because I still have it.

[Natalie5004]

Well, you be you.

I am fully dressed now as I write this and I feel great. I do not want to transition. But I just love my girl time.

I am glad that I still feel it.

[CynthiaD]

No, the desire has never gone away. I don’t wear male clothing unless it’s absolutely necessary. I don’t get much of a thrill from female clothing. It’s just my clothes. My reaction to male clothing is "why would I want to wear that?"